This is another porn thing, isn’t it?

[Nastra]

It’s not a problem really but it made me wonder because it was weird.
I believe my DP and I are generally fairly open with one another. I don’t mind if he initiates something while I am asleep and vice versa because we both wake up and only engage if in the mood. A while ago he asked me could I pretend to be asleep while he did things. I was ok trying it but it was actually just weird and boring at the same time and not my thing and nothing I need to do again.
Yesterday he asked if I’d ever consider taking a sleeping tablet so I’d sleep heavily and he could tell me the next day what he did. The simple answer is “no” because I think it’s kind of creepy plus the fact that I wouldn’t take any medication just for fun.
He was fine with that and agreed that he’d probably find it creepy too if it was the other word around, so I think this is settled but it made me wonder. I couldn’t think of anything less appealing and I wonder if many people actually do this? I assume it’s a porn thing that isn’t really done in real life?

Exactly. He wants you to be unaware and not enjoy it. Why? surely he wants you to enjoy it?

I would argue that by asking OP about it, it would be done with consent
I would argue you have a problematic idea of consent.

Consent should be able to be given and withdrawn at any time.

Consenting adults can do what they like in their bedrooms within the law. They may choose things that most people would find awful or gross or weird, but if they're freely consenting and have the ability to withdraw consent then it's nobody else's business.

Some of my friends have experiences in the kink community and it's not my cup of tea or something I know much about, but what stands out to me when they talk about it is the centrality of consent, checking in with their partners, safe words, safe sane and consensual.

Unconscious adults cannot withdraw consent, don't know what's happening and they're not able to be safe. They're at the mercy of the person who wants an unconscious sex doll.

I would have to end a relationship over this. It is predatory and dangerous behaviour.

You have no way of knowing what he would’ve done to you whilst you were unconscious and he may not have told you everything. Also, he could’ve really hurt you, choked you, and you would be powerless to alert him of any of this whilst you were sedated.

Fantasies are normal and fine, but this is sinister and feels as though it could be the start of an escalation of dark behaviours and thoughts. Once he satisfied that idea I could guarantee he would want to progress to more disturbing activities.

He is showing you who he really is and you need to listen for your own safety.

I’m glad people have pointed out that in the horrific case in France that the woman did in fact experience physical and emotional problems as a result, even if she didn’t know why at the time. Constant visits to GP with gynae issues, headaches, low mood, unexplained bruising and soreness to name just a few.

it was utterly sickening what she went through, and the more and more weird sexual demands that women are being conditioned into accepting or tolerating now is a disgrace.

sorry love but your b/f is a wrong un and no mistake, pretty entitled and fucked up too that he thought he’d be good enough to tell you what he’d done the next day, wtaf is wrong with him?! He’s a danger to women.

it’s like those pathetic men who are incapable of having a real relationship who are into the new era of sex dolls where they can carry out any kink without a care.

I think this is indeed a porn phenomenon. I have definitely seen some weird stuff that involved “sleeping” people though it looked badly acted for sure.
Look, he suggested something and you thankfully vetoed it, and it looks like he accepted this. I totally understand why you feel strange about this, and I think you really need to explain to how you feel about this. There is a chance he saw it online and got curious but I think that he needs a dose of reality. The links and horrific stories people posted are probably a good starting point to show him why this is a complete no go. I would also add additional risk factors for misusing drugs. A loving partner should not be willing to risk your health by asking you to take any drugs for their own enjoyment.
Look after yourself X

Consent is something you can withdraw at any point. You can't do that while unconscious.

I’d love him to read this thread. I hope he dashes away and vomits with horror.

Legally this is rape and ignore elements of "kink". The argument that two people can agree anything sexually and no law applies independently is wrong. There are some things in law you can never consent to, and sexual activity while unconscious is one of them.

I agree with the posters who say this guy is dangerous

I suspect he’s into necrophilia.

Even being asked to pretend to be asleep would totally freak me out.

Jimmy Saville jumped into my mind too. It's sick.

This.
if you can’t consent , it’s rape. He’s having rape fantasies

What is really alarming is that you are 'upset' by the warnings you've been given but not the behaviour of your partner or what he wants to do to you. You should be 'upset' that he wants to do things to you whilst you are virtually unconscious after a sleeping pill.

I would be VERY concerned if I was asked to do that! As a pp said he basically wants to rape you and do stuff to you when you can not consent. I would be utterly terrified of what he might do - are there things he's asked to do that you've flatly refused - would he want to use the opportunity he's created with the sleep to do those things to you. This is worrying and I would certainly be asking for A LOT of reassurance from him. WTAF does immediately come to mind!

Tbh I am very open minded but this would upset and disturb me. I would want him to be honest about the reasons why. This is either a necroohillia fantasy or a rape fantasy and taking a sleeping tablet and so you are actually unresponsive instead of just pretending means he could do anything and you wouldn't be able to remove consent.

I'm very open minded to kinks but I think I'd have to consider ending this relationship. If you say no I wouldn't trust him to try and do it without knowing considering he not only has this fantasy about it but because he's bold enough to actually ask you to do it so he doesn't even have the ability to think about keeping that fantasy in his own head.

I don't think I'd feel safe with him anymore.

The asking you to pretend is one thing but asking you drug yourself. It's really messed up.

Yeah i thought this. Necrophilia. Its abusive and sordid. I dont think it's to do with porn, i think its quite sinister.

Look, he suggested something and you thankfully vetoed it, and it looks like he accepted this.

He didn't accept not escalating it after they tried simulating it and the OP didn't want to try again though. He, presumably, knows that their first attempt "a while ago" (to quote the op) did nothing for her, yet instead of letting it drop he approached her two days ago - not even 'just' asking if they could have one more shot at trying the same thing, which would have been bad enough...no, despite the OP disliking it, he now wants to take it a step further and put her in a position where she cannot withdraw consent, will have no idea what is done to her or who does it, and where she can be gaslit about what happened to her unconscious body.

What the fuck has he been doing in that intervening time between "a while ago" and the day before yesterday that emboldened him to ask his partner to let him drug her even though he knows she didn't enjoy the simulation of it, and what the fuck might he be capable of after a similar length of time spent brooding on it and fantasising about it in the future?

That's disturbing!

Yeah I’m all for having your kinks and what not.

But this one makes me feel like his already done it with you or with some else and that it’s something his going to do with you or someone else.

Like I’m sure sleeping tablets to knock knock you out proper good anit just purchased at your local Lloyds either without a prescription.

So many sick men about

Amen to that

I was referring to him suggesting the sleeping pill and accepting that she didn’t want to do it.
Don’t get me wrong: I think this is incredibly creepy, but at least they are talking about things. I don’t think it’s fair to label anyone a rapist based on the little we know.

Exactly my thought.

WTAF.

There should be a database women can access to find out about these sexually disturbed men.

You can't stay with him, you are not safe. In plain sight and all
That. Please get away. 😥

Look, kinky is what the couple alredy tried with full consent - her pretending to be asleep, with her agreement, where she could stop the sexual activity at any time. He got to act out the fantasy of sexual acts on a sleeping woman, with her consent in advance, where she had full power to "wake up" and withdraw her consent at any time.

Rapey is drugging someone so they cannot wake up and say stop at any time they choose.

This man has already discussed his fantasy with OP and they gave it a safe go, but once she said she wasn;t into it he should have accepted it wasn't her thing. That is how healthy kinky relationships work. Instead this man heard his partner wasn;t into pretending to be unconscious and upped the ante into wanting to drug her! That is not safe kinky play that is rape and anyone in the kink community would agree that slipping someone a mickey then using their body is not safe sane and consensual!

I konw a lady who runs a kink forum called Informed Consent because that is the key to kinky sex!