This is another porn thing, isn’t it?

[Nastra]

It’s not a problem really but it made me wonder because it was weird.
I believe my DP and I are generally fairly open with one another. I don’t mind if he initiates something while I am asleep and vice versa because we both wake up and only engage if in the mood. A while ago he asked me could I pretend to be asleep while he did things. I was ok trying it but it was actually just weird and boring at the same time and not my thing and nothing I need to do again.
Yesterday he asked if I’d ever consider taking a sleeping tablet so I’d sleep heavily and he could tell me the next day what he did. The simple answer is “no” because I think it’s kind of creepy plus the fact that I wouldn’t take any medication just for fun.
He was fine with that and agreed that he’d probably find it creepy too if it was the other word around, so I think this is settled but it made me wonder. I couldn’t think of anything less appealing and I wonder if many people actually do this? I assume it’s a porn thing that isn’t really done in real life?

That is seriously weird

It happened to a friend of a friend ( I was there when she told her). She didn’t know she being drugged by DH and it was being filmed and shared. The police informed her.

The French story demonstrates the lengths that men willing to go to allow other men to commit rape

They enable other (anonymous) men to commit a serious crime

And that's the ones we know about!

There’s a difference between having a rape fantasy and wanting to be the rapist. Even with having a rape fantasy, you’re still in control of that fantasy. When you’re the rapist then that’s something else entirely.

It’s also one thing to act out a fantasy and it’s another to ask someone to take sleeping tablets so they’re knocked the fuck out. He sounds very scary and I wouldn’t look at him the same

This is the most disturbing thing I've read on Mumsnet. *

This!!*

Maybe he's already been doing it OP and just wanted to find out if you'd noticed at all

It's a weird one

It's just makes me think of the French woman in her 70's whose husband has been drugging her for decades and he was was being paid by random men to essentially rape her whilst she was unconscious. For years.

If you consent to this he can essentially pimp you out unknowingly to random men and tell them you consented to this

No think you misunderstand. He's not the one wanting to be raped he's wanting to do it.

FFS major red flag 🚩

This has got to be the most disturbing post I've read on MN. I actually can not believe that a woman would stay with a man after him suggesting that.
OP this man does NOT love you!!! He is a dangerous person and should be locked up before he hurts a woman

I've been thinking about this, and how sad it is that we as a society have come to the stage when a woman is asked to do something most people are shocked at, she just casually presumes it's a porn thing, like 'I suppose everyone is doing this now'. Porn is an industry where men's fantasies are played out, often with fetishes or kinks, and is hugely profitable. Instead of it being some sort of sexual relief, they watch it over and over so much that they are desensitised and its not enough anymore. So they beg their partners to do something that they would never have asked otherwise, and vulnerable or foolish women do it, so gradually it does become mainstream. Then it becomes acceptable so much that men argue its the norm now and expect it even from new partners or one night hook ups. Instead of being alarmed, women question if they are abnormal by not wanting it. There was a thread not long ago by a woman with a new partner who expected a sex session to include oral vaginal and anal sex, usually rough, and who said all his previous partners were into it and it's normal. Instead of thinking this man has an issue she comes onto MN worrying about her own lack of experience. OP here has thankfully said no but still presumes it's a thing now to enjoy sex with an unconscious person. The whole porn industry and those who engage with it have really made fools of us.

This isn’t a porn thing, it’s your partner being creepy. People being penetrated whilst unconscious isn’t mainstream porn, it’s niche and potentially non consensual so I’d assume he needs to seek that sort of thing out from niche sources.

Wanting to have sex with a drugged, unresponsive partner is all kinds of fucked up thinking.

IF this is a porn thing, it's come from him watching more and more depraved, and violent porn over time.
IF this is a porn thing, he is watching illegal porn, in the same way that paedophiles are watching CSA. He would be watching, and getting off on seeing the act of rape.

For him to have gotten to the point that this is even normalised in his brain as something that is OK, he has likely seen (and enjoyed seeing) numerous women be raped.
He has normalised it to the point he's said, pretend to be asleep for me.
You've tried that. You didn't like it.

He has despite you saying, you didn't like it, tried to push that boundary. Effectively saying "You do not like pretending to be asleep, I want to fuck you whilst you're drugged, unable to give consent, remove consent, know or stop me doing what I want to do, with your body"

I am concerned for you, because I'm not sure that you withholding consent is going to be a dampner on his arousal with you asleep, because thats his turn on.

I don't want to worry you OP, but this does actually happen. About 20 years ago my mums friend woke up mid sexual assault, and subsequently found there was a forum on the Internet where her husband was uploading images of what he was doing to her. There were many, many men who were doing the same to their partners. She had no fucking idea that anything had been happening.

In your position, I would be taking a very close look at this man who you married. He has a clear want to commit rape. If it isn't you, will it be someone else?
Are you safe each night? No one knows.
Are you safe having had 2 or 3 glasses of wine? Nobody knows.
Are you safe to start medication that may make you drowsy? Painkillers? Certain medications for anxiety? Certain hay-fever medications? Night nurse when you've got a cold? ...all can make you sleep that bit more deeply. Is he going to find that a turn on?

In other real terms, if it isn't you being attacked whilst you're asleep, do you know that he isn't a rapist?

At the very least, do you know if his hard drive is riddled with illegal content of women who are being raped?

On these boards, it isn't that irregular that women find out their husbands are sleeping with prostitutes to get what they want, but can't get at home. How will you know, at the very least, he isn't finding a way to do this?

In the depravity of this fetish of his, him looking anywhere, to act out his desires makes sense.

This man is dangerous OP. I wouldn't be able to trust him. This isn't even that it's you. The fact he wants you knocked out to fuck removes all personal identity, and reduces you almost to a nameless, faceless, reactionless corpse in this situation.

Once someone is unconscious, they can't consent or particularly withdraw consent therefore it's rape.

PP are saying that the OPs DP is essentially asking to rape her by putting her into a situation where she cannot consent.

Keeping in mind that they already tried something similar while she was awake, she didn't enjoy it, so now he's pushing at that boundary to essentially remove her from the equation but keep her body there.

Rape of sleeping, drugged or unconscious women by their partners is not that uncommon.

I would argue that by asking OP about it, it would be done with consent.

@notanothernana

I would argue that by asking OP about it, it would be done with consent.

I would argue you know very little about consent

I don't think I could stay married to such a self-confessed pervert.

I swear porn will be the death of society.

I think that you are absolutely deluded if you think this is okay!! He's dangerous!

You would perhaps be equating it with medical consent given while conscious for an operation while the person is unconscious.

I would say a surgical necessity is completely different-
1 The procedure can’t happen while the patient is conscious
2 the procedure is for the patient’s benefit not the surgeon’s kicks.

What loving man would want to put his partner in a position where she can’t consent to or experience what’s happening?

She can’t control what he does. She can’t consent to something she won’t be aware of.

What would be done with consent @notanothernana?

Same.

Once you know a man wants to drug you unconscious and do things to you without your consent then how will you ever know that he's not drugging you unconscious and doing things to you without your consent?

He wants you to not be there, to just use you like a wank receptacle. Yuck. He'll be able to go as rough as he likes

The only ‘point’ to doing this is that the object/victim has no say- there’s no need to be considerate, to give pleasure, to be careful.
He desires a sex object that he doesn’t need to be concerned about. Who would want to be that object?

I just read one of the links listed earlier about the wife raping ring.

A wife said no to a threesome so her husband drugged her and live-streamed his mates raping her.

Then they did the same to the other mens wives.

And congratulated themselves for putting on a good show.

Those poor women.

They thought their husbands loved and respected them but the second they said no to something it's clear that their relationship and their consent was an illusion.

It's not really consent if you can't say no without your husband's mind going straight to drugging you and doing it anyway.

But he was requesting non consensual sex.