Are any of you quite sad about ‘where you’ve ended up’ in life, despite your very best efforts?

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I’m sad to say, I think I am 😞

Have had a few hefty life blows along route (haven’t we all) and whilst still standing, I’m pretty sad about where it’s left me (on the inside). Not the type of sad you can just shake off or fake it till you make it either. Only the energy to keep on keeping on, not the energy to ‘make my life miles better with what I now know’ type thing.

guess I’m just looking for a little solidarity on this pensive evening x

I think my issues have been that I suffered from anxiety in my 20s and never thought I’d live long so didn’t see a point in planning for the future. That way of being really set me back as I think I wasted a lot of years. So it wasn’t really my best effort which I regret. Although I should be kind to my younger self as I was really suffering.

Life is difficult and certainly not a meritocracy.
I have seen friends who did not work nearly as hard as me, but who were "saved" by family support and inheritances.

I had a VERY long post but thought better of it

Clearly, there's a huge range of situations listed here.

In case anyone finds it helpful, I am not of the "pre-success" mindset. I'm starting to accept that at 47, the health issues that limit me won't improve, and my aim is to make peace with it.

I feel like that process started over New Year - I had a serendipitous moment.

It's not that I haven't tried to make peace with it before, but there's always been a little bit of me that won't let go.

I'm turning 48 very soon and realistically, if I barely manage to keep a clean home, there's not really anything that will give me enough health to achieve more career wise.

I never wanted a long life either, even when I thought I'd be successful.

I'm just putting that on the table in case it helps anyone.

We live in a world that doesn't value a simple life. Even if it wasn't my first choice, the place I'm in now makes it very appealing.

In the last two days, I've seen posts from people who don't have to work and feel they ought to, posts from people who are desperately unhappy returning to work and being told to retrain, get a new job, have an attitude adjustment....

I know I haven't achieved what others expected but I'm certainly not going to bust a gut and upset a delicate health balance to fit in with a societal view, or indeed the views of colleagues and acquaintances who feel I've underachieved.

Acceptance and realism are my ways forward. I realise it's not for everyone.

Yes I wanted to be married with children, having parties and bbqs, with a loving husband who shared my love of sport. We'd go on family days out, sit in the garden in the summer, go to rugby and tennis together.

Instead I married someone I should have walked away from years before I did. He ruined my life, destroyed my happy go lucky nature and robbed me of my child bearing years.

But I have to make the best of the life I now have, there's no point dwelling on what could have been. I have my own flat, a job I love and friends who love me. And whilst it's not all that I wanted it is what makes my life good.

@ForeverDelayedEpiphany I am so sorry to hear of your experience. I have a new consultant who went mad (no pun intended) at the cocktail of meds I've been on for years. How much of the depression I've experienced has been that side of my illness and how much, being over medicated?
Sending love and strength to you ❤️

If you don’t mind me asking, what’s your salary range? I thought psychotherapists could earn a pretty healthy salary in private practice. The one I had was billing £600 an hour to AXA!

I agree with you btw, I became a banker (trading) after a PhD in STEM. If anyone says I’m not doing good for society then I say they should have paid me more than £30k a year to work out how to cure diseases and look at my tax return. My senior colleagues can’t understand why someone would buy a house in shock horror ungentrified zone 3 in south East London - not understanding that what they could afford ten years ago is (literally) miles away from what someone on their salary can afford now.

So many of us here are neurodivergent. We have shorter, less 'successful' lives than others. That's statistical but I can't be bothered trying to find the evidence.

NHS psychotherapists earn between £38k and £68k.
Some people do not realise how lucky they are.

‘We live in a world that doesn't value a simple life.’

^ This is one of the best sentences I’ve ever read on MN.

I feel completely overwhelmed and exhausted a lot of the time nowadays (52, separated, working full time, 2 teen dc, parents both died 15 years ago). But I’m here, my loved ones are healthy, I have my cats, my books and my little garden.

You’re not an embarrassment ❤and I am sorry for your loss. Are you part of a church? You need some people around you who can put their arms around you and help you carry the load.

Agree, and sadly I think the next generation has it even worse, because they are force fed a consumerist lifestyle whilst simultaneously being shut out of ways to build wealth and stability.

For their level of training, skill, responsibility, and demand, I consider that quite poor. It’s not a race to the bottom.

Yep, didn't realise my health would be utterly f*cked before the age of 40 but there you go. Life likes to throw these curve balls doesn't it.

@Eigen thank you so much.
Yes, I do have a church (where we held gran’s funeral and actually where my Grandad was vicar in the 70s). The friend I mentioned is the vicar now. She is so so kind, as is everyone else I have met there (only really been when I have come home since Gran’s death, but I live here permanently now). I don’t want to burden her. I turned up for mass Christmas eve and ended up sat in the churchyard sobbing. I couldn’t go in and spoilt all their Christmas joy. I feel I should be more sorted at 33. I once sobbed on her that I would never het the pleasure of asking her to take my wedding ceremony or baptize my children. It just all feels such a mess. And I don’t think I am over totally alone and unsupported I felt when my gran had just died. Family all realized when I passed out at the funeral after singing a hymn as she was carried in.
Thank you for being kind.

Thanks OP, I am off to listen to a podcast on Radio 4 about Veblen - I almost forgot about it today. This thread has been a good reminder.

We just need to live a simple life as a PP has said. We have lost our way.

Yes a little bit, in fact I just posted about it separately here.

I think this time of year, the cold, the dark, the excitement of Christmas done and the thought of work/winter/darkness ahead makes people a bit morose in general.

I can't wait until spring and warmer weather!

Me too. I noticed a lot of us are approaching 50 who feel like this.
I remember my mum saying that around this age you feel abit despondent about your life and how it has gone. However, she said you come out the other end and feel more positive when reflecting. Hopefully this is true. I always feel like I missed the memo always feel like there is more I want to do but not got the money or energy to do it.

I would love to go back in time, and see how my life might have turned out had I not banged my head and been injured by medication. The "Sliding Doors" scene might have been better, but then of course, it has an equal chance of being worse.

All I really want is to be able to take medication without a fear of it making my weird involuntary mouth/tongue/face/insert any body part worse, and although my parents said a lot of money for a pharmacogenetics test to help me discern which medication I can safely metabolise (and therefore hopefully not be too affected by), I'm still petrified to take anything 💔

Even the thought of HRT is terrifying, as I know that oestrogen affects dopamine (my symptoms and involuntary movements become much worse in the post natal period after my 3rd baby was born in 2020, and all because of a drop in hormones which obviously includes oestrogen). I think it's ridiculous how many things potentially have been made harmful now for me, and all of it was so avoidable.

Another thing that really upsets me still is my loss of my mind's eye after my head injury (called aphantasia), as this was something that I valued and enjoyed so much. And even though I managed to learn to read again after I lost the ability to after my TBI, it is still very distressing to think the key skill I had for my career in publishing was nearly gone forever.💔🥺😭

I think I'll stop ranting now 😂 The past 9 years have seen me rant about all of this and I probably need some therapy or something lol

There by the grace of God, and all that.

Sorry for the typos, i am typing this on my phone in the dark getting my DD to sleep 😅

Yes, I would say so. Humans became the absurdly dominant species we are because we're always exploring, using, adapting, expanding. Other animals have curiosity like we have, they seek to make their lives comfortable like we do. The difference seems to be that they aren't always going after more.

... some domestic cats excepted 😏

Since it's fundamental to the human condition - might you be looking for a new goal? What would it look like?

Well, it sounds to me like you’re exactly the kind of person your church and vicar/friend would think needs their help. They may be able to sign post to services or groups, or even if you can attend a weekly activity to get out of your head a bit, it might help ride out the crashing waves of grief.

I hope you feel better one day, and remember that your Gran wouldn’t want you losing out on life and feeling so sad.

I’m so sorry to hear all this. But I think you’re very brave ❤

Suicide in women is at the highest level when women are in their fifties.

Sometimes part of me thinks what could I have been if I had a solid loving foundation in life or do you make your own future despite your history

I was adopted at 9 into a family with two older siblings who hated me, a cold unloving mother and an indifferent father

I managed okay through life, and now have a lovely warm kind family of my own where my children are thriving at university and school because (I think) their parents are invested in them, interested and supportive and love them very much

@2024GarlicCloves A new goal
That is an interesting idea. Have you recently set a new goal?
May I come back to that with you rather than on an open forum?