Are any of you quite sad about ‘where you’ve ended up’ in life, despite your very best efforts?

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I’m sad to say, I think I am 😞

Have had a few hefty life blows along route (haven’t we all) and whilst still standing, I’m pretty sad about where it’s left me (on the inside). Not the type of sad you can just shake off or fake it till you make it either. Only the energy to keep on keeping on, not the energy to ‘make my life miles better with what I now know’ type thing.

guess I’m just looking for a little solidarity on this pensive evening x

I'm finding this a very interesting thread. I wish all of you the very best in turning things round and finding peace and fulfilment.

Obviously this doesn't apply to everything and many things are beyond our control, especially regarding health and ability/disability. But I think one huge advantage in life is knowing what you want, and I think a surprising number of people don't. Either what career, or what kind of life, or what personality in a partner, or the next goal. Of course that isn't always the case and shit can always happen, but having a clear vision of what you want to achieve is a massive advantage to achieving it. It sounds obvious, but in reality I don't think it is.

I'm also intrigued by all the academic high achievers who don't match that success after school/university. I know quite a few people like this and I think neurodiversity features a lot there.

I've been thinking about this a bit more, and often wonder if my life could have been one of those scenes from Sliding Doors... I was born to a heroin addicted mother who gave me up to extremely loving and wonderful parents, for which I'm forever grateful. If she made only one good decision in life, that was definitely it

But I can't help but wonder if I'd been brought up by her (or her parents, as she was unable to cope with my birth sister as it was), whether my life would have been a lot worse, or if I'd have been a lot tougher than I am now. My adoptive parents are so loving and kind, but they have been overprotective because of my prematurity which I think has probably not helpsd my confidence nor sejf esteem.

It's interesting though, how my dear departed adopted brother was raised with the same opportunities and good fortune, yet self destructed and passed away young from bowel cancer. I guess it was definitely a good example of nature vs nurture, and as my dad said, he did what he loved doing, and not many people can say that in life. Lived fast, died young 😢

I do. I discovered I have ADHD in my 40s and a lot of things makes sense.

I was so bright as a child and young woman, people expected me to have a really successful life. But it didn't happen for one reason and another.

My peers have mostly done very well for themselves.

One couple, very old, dear friends of mine - I hear the DH complain that he's finding money a struggle. But I know they have a family income of more than £150k from salaries plus income from a very nice BTL. I'm struggling to make ends meet and look after my DC and DP who hardly earns anything due to ill health, on about a fifth of that. I don't say anything though.

Reading others experiences of doing well at school but being unable to translate that to life 'success' really resonate with me. I am now mid 30s and I strongly suspect I am autistic, or at the least have a lot of autistic traits.

I've always felt completely hindered and unable to cope with the things life throws at me like other people do, feeling like I'm just about managing to tread water all the time whilst my peers swim off into the distance.

This is a good thread, but odd for me. I have done fairly well, job and family wise. Sometimes, at 2.00am I wonder where I would be if I had tried harder. If I had concentrated more and got better A levels and on a better course at a real Uni, not a converted Poly.
Is this not quite 'being satisfied' what humans are?

Please do start the thread - I’d join!

I was a high flyer at school too, cruised through my first three years at University and then was raped in my final year. I still managed to graduate with a good degree but the assault plus my childhood (emotional abuse/neglect/abandonment) hit me really hard and I started self medicating.

Met dh (classic floppy haired rich boy) whilst I was temping at the same company he was going a graduate training program with. Apparently it was love at first sight for him. He went home and told his eldest sister he was going to marry me before we'd even spoke. If I'd known that then, I'd probably have run for the hills.

I got a job with the civil service but managed to burn myself out pushing down the fast promotion track. Dh suggested that we go abroad for a year so I got a leave of absence. Came back but I eventually burnt out again. We had to move due to dh's job so I got one with the local authority but the same problems persisted. I wanted to excel so took on extra duties but this time managed to hold it together enough to move upwards into a higher grade job.

Then dh suddenly got broody, we'd always been on the same page re kids until we weren't. I agreed to try for six months thinking it wouldn't happen in that time frame in our mid 30s. Literally 6 weeks later I started vomiting on my commute. Felt horrendous through pregnancy, had a traumatic birth and then ended up with postpartum psychosis. Took me ages to bond with dc1, gave up work on the advice of my psychiatrist as he thought I needed time at home with my child. Had another baby as I was at home anyway.

Now I'm in my mid 40s and am mostly a sahm. I've gained another degree. I do a lot of voluntary work and something similar to my old job on an ad hoc basis for "pocket money". My mental health is rubbish. I can't take SSRIs due to neurological side effects which luckily wore off when I stopped. I was prescribed an antipsychotic off label and I have to say this thread makes me glad I didn't take it.

On the positives, dh still adores me, we have a big house, holidays, kids but I don't remember the last time I was genuinely happy. The feelings of worthlessness get worse with every passing year, the resentfulness too. Then I feel guilty because although I hate my life, I know others have it far worse. At least my cage is gilded.

I can really relate to all the posts here. Actually they have made me tear up. I'm early 50s and I constantly wonder how I ended up where I am today. I didn't picture this life. I thought I would be in a successful career, married with a family, active and enjoying life. My life is nothing like that. I do have a lovely adult DD but I raised her as a single parent, which was not what I pictured.

I know choices I've made, a traumatic childhood and just some bad luck got me where I am today. There was domestic violence in my family, my mother was demanding and had narc traits. For years I made decisions based on her feelings, or how she would make me feel so I ended up making lots of bad decisions.

I was cheated on by the man I thought I would marry and never really got over it. I got a degree in IT but have never worked in that field. I"ve been let go thru no fault of my own from about 6 jobs, which have put serious strain on my finances. I've dated lots after my breakup and after 15 years found someone who I fell in love with and he cheated on me. I was early 40s then. I also was let go from another job. That let me into picking my skin on my body and face so now I'm scarred and no man will ever want me now. I've alienated myself as I'm embarrassed how my life has turned out and honestly I just live for my DD. I get no joy out of life, even when I'm laughing and joking, deep down I feel despair and emptiness. I'm so sad that I didn't really experience a lovely life like so many have, especially my peers.

Oh you poor thing, that's truly made me sad and teary eyed. I'm so sorry 😞 You sound a brilliant mum and amazing person. You are doing the very best you can xx

Yes sadly I am. Lucky in so many ways that we have a nice house but we have two kids with special needs and the youngest is severely autistic and I’ll be honest, it has ruined our life but especially mine. I rarely leave the house as our dd hates going places. I adore her, but it has seriously limited our life, is hard on the other kids including the middle child with autism. It is incredibly upsetting to see my dd struggling (she can’t talk, she hates leaving the leaving and has severe anxiety). My youngest will always live with us unless we can find a residential facility.

My / our generation (I’m late 40s) were told we could have it all. I think most women between 30-50 realise that this is simply not true and the glamorous life like sex in the city we were led to believe existed (money, career, hot professional man, 2 kids, heaps of friends not to mention hobbies and a body and wardrobe to die for) is all a load of crap.
I definitely had a penny drop moment in my early forties where I stopped thinking the best is yet to come and realised this is my life now and half of it is down to luck. I realised that life was already happening to me and now I’m learning to not beat myself up too much over my failings and try and focus on what I have got (loving husband, healthy happy grown kids, lovely house, great career) and not dwell too much on what I haven’t (poor health - just diagnosed with long term health / disability, no wider family support, death of close friends, declining looks and career prospects) which I hard sometimes.

Definitely understand and feel the same, have worked so hard on my career and things seemed great, nice house 2 lovely kids but ended up in a abusive relationship, lost my home ended up with huge debts (court costs to keep the non molestation order to keep us safe) and am now in a tiny council flat and sleeping on the sofa, but am also grateful for my kids and job and working on things getting better, just got a promotion at work and will have payed back the court costs loan in just over a year, someone once told me to keep fucking going and it’s true it’s all you can do and appreciate the good things in your life x I hope things get better for you all x

I am lucky in many ways but feel like a just about did it person. Just about scrapped a levels, just about got a degree, just about got jobs, just about managed as a parent, just about have enough money. Never really excelled at anything just about muddled through. I do have a job I love, children and dh but still not quite what I thought it would be in my late 40's.

Relate so well to many of these posts. I was also a very high achiever academically, got lots of scholarships abroad, but life now is not what I expected it to be at all. Have a kid with sen which is always a source of stress, a husband with adhd which makes everything feel unstable and I have to do the majority of everything. Unsure if it’s because I grew up in a fairly well off and stable household, and I just assumed I would get the same. I feel like our generation of women do have it very hard - our parents were very lucky comparatively, we now have to work and do our mothers’ roles. Fed complete romantic BS through decades of bad idealized TV? All generalizations I know.

I do hate it though when people say ‘if you don’t like your life just change it!’ You can’t clearly when you have caring responsibilities.

I can’t remember which poster said they were always told that working hard at school, university etc would pay off, but this sums up exactly how I feel. I was mis-sold a dream. I came from a very poor dysfunctional family, single mum, who didn’t work but had a series of awful relationships and I witnessed domestic violence and spent half my time as a 12 year old fighting off my mums numerous dodgy boyfriends.

I believed going to university would result in a good job, nice lifestyle and the “normal existence” I craved. However I chose a degree which didn’t lead to a career (no career advice and no mentors or role models to advise just a single working class mum who took little interest) and ended up in a mediocre job surrounded by people my age running the department. I used to feel so inferior to them and wondered how they were running the place whilst I was in a very junior role.

Until a friend and colleague pointed out my peers were all from private or grammar school backgrounds, had a middle class family and were surrounded by mentors and role models. They oozed confidence and self esteem. How could I the daughter from a poor dysfunctional family who’d been sexually abused and witnessed things I should never have seen compete?

Ever since that realisation I cut myself a break and tell myself I never really had a chance. I was never on an equal playing field. This actually seems to help. I tell myself despite my background I have a lovely DH and DS an ok job and a happy house.

Solidarity to everyone else. I love this thread 🙂

I also relate to this. Came from a stable middle class family. University educated, etc. Sibling have all done well professionally. I am mediocre at best but really probably not even that.

Have a tiny house which is very tatty and my friends and family (unintentionally) make me feel very inadequate. NYE was at my friend's huge beautiful house. Friends discussed their cleaners and their luxury holiday plans (Maldives, Bahamas, New York, Lapland, etc). I thought about my hopes to afford a tent this year so I can take my children camping. It's so hard to not compare and feel like it's unfair - we all work hard. In fact I work full time and they all work part time!

But I was in a terrible relationship for years which has set me back in a way that can probably not be undone. At least I'm out of it now.

I also have quite negative thinking patterns where I wish I'd never met this man etc. I also recognise that whilst he was abusive, etc it isn't right to blame everything I'm dissatisfied with in my life on him.

Nobody has it perfect - one friend who was at the party has recently lost her sister very young. Another has a stressful court case ongoing. One has a husband who is not my cup of tea wouldn't swap lives for even a day! We all have our shit. Some is just more on show than others!

Solidarity to others. There are probably people on this thread I would compare myself to and assume their life was wonderful. I'm determined this year to work on myself.

I think life is much more difficult for women in general. Unfair treatment at work, at home, via inheritance and excessive objectification and judgment.

However, what makes me happy and keeps me happy is being single and dating and flirting and having a little mischievous fling or social interaction from time to time. Anticipating a hook up or short lived romance. I don't want a ball and chain!!!

I don't miss having a dedicated life long partner as I don't see that truly happy partnership modelled in a meaningfully healthy way by anyone. I see relatively content couples but most of them (all with kids anyway), are making do or making the best of it. I think people settle for companionship and finance sharing.

I don't know: I grew up in a wealthier household than I now live in, but I m free and my mother was a slave to the patriarchy. I don't envy her or her life. Nor do I envy any other married woman in my circle.

Financial stability and healthy children allow me the freedom and headspace to have a little light hearted fun, but I don't know any other women in the same position as me, so it's difficult to be part of the middle aged woman's club, because I don't have the same life as those women around me. They try (not all) to poke holes in my contentment, I often try not to engage in the point scoring.

I don't think my life is a shit show, but I don't expect it to be the happy storyline of a drama series. I think trauma is part of life, and also luck plays its part, as does realistic expectations.

I don't envy people that have more than me. I guess I find unacknowledged privilege annoying, and those same privaliged adults, whose privilege is now running out and their shock at real life: I find that annoying.

Even though I grew up weslthier than I am now to boomer parents, they did not grow up wealthy so I was always aware that you had to scramble for financial independence, it wasn't guaranteed.

I m soooo lucky my dependents are heslthy and I have no carer duties foisted on me. I think the lack of choice is what really grinds people down.

BTW: before I come across as smug. I have zero support, I m used to it. Had an absent mother growing up, with a "get on with it" attitude.

It's my lot, I m used to it, and know things could be much, much worse.

Ex H has been checking recently if I'm paying into a pension, I thought it was considerate at first, I now realise he s just ensuring I don't come after his.... Lols. No real support.

I ve been very harshly bullied by mysigynistic idiots, I consider them idiots, I can maintain my sanity and not overthink their stupid actions.

So it's definitely not all perfect, I just latch onto the parts of life that bring me joy.

PS: doing anything rythemic brings us joy, dancing together, singing together, rowing or running together. We can encourage happiness within ourselves.

Checking in, in agreement.

They were all my own life choices of course, so I only have myself to blame.

The biggest mistake was marrying my sociopath exh after a shock pregnancy. (I was on the mini pill and we frequently used condoms even though I was told with PCOS that pregnancy for me would be unlikely).

I believed it was the right thing to do, bring my DC up within a marriage. Took my vows very seriously.

He burnt through money, I sold a property to pay off his debts, which would now be paid off and leave me with 1/2 million clear. He also scammed me by offering to insure my lovely hard earned sports car because he had better insurance history, totalling the car and lying about the payout which should have been substantial, but he pocketed it.

I became the sole breadwinner in an exciting career relocation, he stayed home in a foreign country to care for DC. He cheated and lied and stole and fabricated all sorts of stories so frequently that my head was spinning. On top of that I had to deal with global travel with work and 60 hour weeks.

I covered it all up until it was too much. He left me when I insisted he get a part time job and contribute financially after I got sick with work bullying and stress from having to emotionally deal with his constant attempts to cheat and abuse me financially.

I had to pick myself up as a single parent in a foreign country with no financial support, pay for the divorce, even though by then he found a well paid full time job (he didn't show up to any of the hearings I guess for fear of getting a dressing down from the judge for his behavior). Because of this it dragged on for years and cost well over 20k.

Because I couldn't maintain my career during such a problematic time for my son (he also had to change schools, lose friends etc) I had to downgrade and go into quite a misogynistic industry.

I lost that job and then took one after a sustained period with no income during covid (6 months without unemployment benefits - living from savings). It was half my original salary. So it has taken a while to try and get back to an even keel.

I am the sole provider for my son. Exh owes over 100,000 in childcare. He eventually left the country after telling my DC he'd pick him up for the weekend. He never heard from him again.

I dragged myself through university without support as my parents were engaged in their new lives after a very nasty divorce. Sometimes I didn't eat for days just to finish my final year as I struggled financially, or lived on pasta and tuna for weeks on end. 😅

I worked so hard to build a career. And then became totally entangled in an absolute mess. All of a sudden I was back in Lidl buying cheap pasta and tuna to keep my son and I afloat.

Exh just walked away, left all his bills, debts and fled like the cowardly twunt he was.

I brought it all on myself. I should have just accepted being a single mother at the first positive test and staying in my social circle to make it work.

The thing that makes me angry is my stupid choices have affected my beautiful DC. They are a young adult now, and all the things I planned and the money I saved for them I had to use on lawyers bills and debts. I wanted them to have an easier start to adulthood than me. Not stressed, poor and scraping by to stay in education.

The entrapment of my situation also has to do with being female I feel too. But still, I made some stupid choices based on what I thought was the right thing to do.

I'm so far back down the ladder now I won't have enough working life to climb back to being even, and I'm both emotionally and physically exhausted from my time in marriage and dealing with everything alone. I sit in work listening to people in higher positions making bad or frustrating decisions and I just have to accept that I'm lucky they gave me an opportunity and keep my head down.

Sorry for the lengthy ramble, but it felt good to purge.

Thank you - you are so very sweet. And your comments brought tears to my eyes but also a smile to my face.

I am with you OP and everyone else. I seemed to be doing ok, good house, DP, DC, career - then about 7 years ago it all started to fall apart. Am now 50. Still have wonderful DC but the stress of parenting is killing me. I've developed some sort of anxiety/depression, i am permanently paralysed & panicked, it's the best i can do to get out of bed every morning. Would like to end it all except for the fact that that would cause more harm to other people.

May I ask what happened 7 years ago?

I think this is a really helpful thread OP, as it's so easy to read other threads on here and conclude that everyone is having a whale of a time applying expensive skin care stuff in their big kitchen while their DH diverts himself with a wholesome hobby....In fact so many of us struggling in different ways.

I've made some fucking ridiculous choices in my life, and struggled with addiction and poor impulse control generally. I've made massive, reckless decisions out of boredom basically, and consequently in my mid-40s financially I am fucked.

However, I have had the good fortune to acquire a small number of amazing friends; I have a daughter who is the most tremendous person in the world; a (third) husband who I am NOT yet bored of (miracle of miracles) and who I believe genuinely loves me; I have a job that brings me great fulfilment; I have family who have stood by me no matter the crazy and appalling and selfish choices I have made. I've always been pretty optimistic so I am able to take pleasure in small things - reading, baking, shopping ..... And most importantly I forgive myself for the past stupidity - because there is absolutely no law of the universe that says I can't and I try to be a better person going forwards. Which is all I can do really.

So there is a lot on the plus side. I do think comparison is the thief of joy. All of my closest girlfriends have lives that are basically fucked (sorry, girls! I would say this to them as well to be fair). But all of us have a great capacity for joy, love, adventure, and all the other good things too. And I am sure the same is true of all you amazing women. To me you all sound lovely.

The two things we can never deserve in life, are the suffering and the love that comes to us.

@Dorriethelittlewitch I'm sorry to hear about your experiences.My mental health had always been bad, and I developed post partum psychosis too, followed by a Bipolar diagnosis.

You are still so young.

End this relationship before it robs you of any more life.

He could kick you out at any time.

Living with no rights is very stressful.

You have an opportunity to escape now when you are young enough to create a new life & family. Waste another 5 years and your options are limited.

& don't one more penny into his house.