Are any of you quite sad about ‘where you’ve ended up’ in life, despite your very best efforts?

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I’m sad to say, I think I am 😞

Have had a few hefty life blows along route (haven’t we all) and whilst still standing, I’m pretty sad about where it’s left me (on the inside). Not the type of sad you can just shake off or fake it till you make it either. Only the energy to keep on keeping on, not the energy to ‘make my life miles better with what I now know’ type thing.

guess I’m just looking for a little solidarity on this pensive evening x

@OctoblocksAssemble Just to say that your post really resonated with me. Thank you.

Yes, I feel like I have made a series of poor decisions in my life, particularly in relation to men and the career I entered into, and I now don't really know how to pull myself back out of it all. I am so grateful as I have two incredible daughters as a result of those decisions but I now feel like I either need to stay in this life that I've created but would never have chosen or leave and completely destroy the family and life that my daughters could and do have. I know that if I ever posted my entire situation on mumsnet every response would be screaming at me to leave but real life isn't as simple as that.

Yes. I'm a diagnosed autistic adult and have never held down a serious job, despite years of studying. I got quite bitter about it and decided to embrace a lifestyle without work after a while. Depended on benefits for years, now I'm married and only entitled to PIP and a bit embarrassed to admit that I don't work and have barely ever worked. Financially it's worked out thanks to DH's income and I have 3 wonderful dc, but people can be so sneery about not having a career. Too old now and I would resent working hours preventing school pickups and being with dcs in school holidays, and I'm not really motivated since financially I don't need to.

Oh this thread breaks my heart. There are so many of us, just being honest, no competitive “race to the bottom” and probably one of the threads I’ve ever read on here that genuinely made me teary.

my little story- very clever child but a huge under achiever as an adult. Never really stuck to a job, struggled with being late for everything, terrible with money. Made some bad choices. proverbial black sheep of the family ( baaa baaa )

fast forward to now- almost 46, 2 dc 13 and 21 who both have autism and anxiety, life is bloody hard though they’re both “high functioning” and I was diagnosed last year with ADHD and am on the adult pathway for an autism assessment. Loads of health problems including fibromyalgia ( addicted to painkillers) and MH issues. Crippling OCD means I can never relax and I don’t sleep much. I really feel like I’m “wasted” by not working or using my brain as I know im intelligent but haven’t a bloody clue still what I want to do!!

life on the same estate I grew up on and am on benefits. I will do anything for anyone if I can but am quite antisocial after thinking I was an extrovert my whole life. I know im a disappointment to my mum
and dad and I’ve never got any money… but im a good person and a good mum.

that was probably the hardest post in my 10 years on MN but it feels good to get it out. We’re all amazing in our own ways! Who would want to be perfect? Not me. Love and hugs to anyone needing it 😂

I feel your pain OP, and others saying the same

What doesn't kill you makes you weaker, or it has for me.

Was young when loss of two friends in a terror attack broke my heart.

Injury, illness and ongoing effects have impeded my career hugely. Also impede living my normal life as I get older eg can't drive any more. (Though the injury could have been a lot worse).

Of course, effect on career = effect on money and quality of life.

Good friends vanished into their family lives so almost no support now.

I was coping with the other stuff but the lack of support makes me feel pretty sunk.

I can't bear comparing my life as it is to what I thought it would be.

That was supposed to be a completely different emoji, apologies 😊

I do, in a way.

I am 31 and I must say I have been very privileged in my life compared to others. Grew up with great parents, loving, intelligent and supportive and a great sister. I did well at school and university and qualified as a psychotherapist. I have a partner of 11 years, 2 step children and a baby of 4 months.

I have never been bullied, abused or neglected. I have never been exposed to or effected my drugs or alcohol. I have never experienced loss or had to really grieve. My family are still in good health (thank God) and live close by.

I know I am very lucky and so thankful for the above.

However, I am disappointed and sad about the state of the country and where it has left my generation and those after me.

As kids we were lead to belief that with hard work, graft and making sensible decisions, you can carve out the life you want. It won't be easy, but you can carve a simple yet comfortable life for yourself. Own a house one day, own a car and maybe a holiday once a year. Have some savings etc.

Now I am 31 and the things I have always strived to achieve feel further away than ever. I am quite a shrewd person. I live well within my means, I'm a saver, I don't own expensive things and I am not materialistic at all.

I did my A levels, went to uni, worked and volunteered. I then completed 2 post grad courses to become a psychotherapist and I have gone up a pay grade every year since 2016.

Yet a small house, with a little garden and a place to park a car, seems impossible.

I feel I did everything 'right' and yet it still isn't enough.

I know there have been many many things over the past 30/40 years which have contributed to the mess the country is in, but I do feel we were sold a dream.

I keep working. Saving. Working. Saving. Hoping.

Just feels so so disappointing. I worry so much for my children. I do not know what their futures will look like. I don't want them to end up struggling more and working until 75.

It's just so sad. My parents are sad too. My dad is the most sensible and intelligent man ever. He shakes his head these days and just doesn't know what to say. He has done everything he can for me and my sister. But he knows the world is against us and we will have to fight so much harder to achieve the same standard of living as he afforded us.

AIBU to consider fraud or money laundering? 😜

Hey ho. We keep going. I am grateful for my children my family and our health and happiness. We are rich in this way. There are so many that have such less.

I'm so sorry for the awful things some of you have been through here xxx

My life on paper sounds like I've been enormously lucky. Fabulous parents, great education, many different jobs and eventually settled into a career that I excelled at and loved, retired early, never once struggled financially, had a number of gorgeous boyfriends and had a 20 year relationship with an incredibly gorgeous and successful guy and we travelled the world and lived in some amazing places. How can I possibly class my life as shit. The reality is that I lost my parents and my best friend and I ended my relationship because he was abusive and has destroyed me in so many ways. I have no other family and very few friends. I am beyond lonely. Have been for many years. Spent Christmas and New Year on my own. I can go days without talking to another person. I have made some shit choices along the way and I guess you reap what you sow.

Yes definitely. Am 50 now, was bullied through school and very naive growing up resulting in making lots of mistakes and stupid decisions in the past. Going through a nightmare situation for the past 3 years. All my adult life I've been uncertain, anxious and worried. I'm thankful that at this age I've got some fight in me and will get through this and out the other side.

Asd/adhd here... Nearly 50. Never managed to get past the 'never being good enough' of my undiagnosed childhood. Look like a prematurely old sack of shit, too tired disorganised and lacking in reason to do anything about it. On paper I have a good life, but just feel so empty, so tired and sad. Never really fitted in anywhere, I just seem to get it wrong, however hard I try ! Also is 2 am and adhd mind won't shut off so am also exhausted and maudlin !

I think it's so easy for people to remember things they see as bad especially if they happened recently. But I think we should all be kind to ourselves and get a notebook and pen and note down our achievements. I think some of you will be surprised about some of the things you have achieved in your lives. You can do this again. Be kind to yourselves

Yes. And this is one of the reasons why I don’t hang around on MN much any more, as there are so many highly successful and privileged people who don’t get it. I even find job hunting and career advice threads depressing because they’re always answered by high flyers who don’t have a clue how hard things are for the rest of us.

I tried to change my life and it didn’t work. I studied for a degree later in life and did very well with it, only to find that employers aren’t interested in mature graduates. Having a career change is practically impossible unless you go self employed, because once you have years of one type of job on your CV, no employer will give you a chance to do anything else. Transferable skills are something that careers advisers talk about but they have very little effect in real life.

I’ve actually been thinking of starting a thread for people who tried to have a career change, actually studied or retrained and then found it didn’t work. When we hear about career changes we only hear about the people who managed it, but there must be thousands of people who didn’t succeed, we just rarely hear about them.

I do feel like although I have made a lot of good things happen for many children and families in my long career as a primary school teacher, my job has kind of eaten me alive.

It's five to two in the early hours and like so often, I've just closed my laptop and finished working. Pretty standard. I feel like I'm not even really fully present for my own children and partner, and I have no time for hobbies or friends. It's not a good feeling. I'm exhausted all the time.

I hate that there is no cut-off point with teacher workload, we're contracted to put in whatever hours it takes to get the job done, and I'm never even getting close as the list is ever growing. Even after 25 years, I never truly feel like I can switch off without feeling guilty.

I feel like I'm unhappy with where I've ended up in my life because of my hard work.

Yes, I feel sad but mostly about the state of the planet and the awfulness of humans.

I'm middle aged, single, childless, financially secure but not rich-rich, used to be very pretty but that's almost gone. But I'm sort of fine with it all. Not actually 'happy' but fine.

I've lost a few important people in my life (sudden deaths), and that is a source of sadness.

I also wasted my 20s and early 30s. Hadn't a clue. Was horribly insecure and allowed men to treat me badly. Had some fantastic years late 30s and 40s, though.

The thing is, I never had any ambition or expectations of how my life would turn out. Was never taught to want to be married, or to want to have a career. I've never wanted kids, and that was a great decision. Glad to be living alone, which feels like a huge luxury. My cat is my primary source of joy, and a few treasured friends.

So I suppose I have a life that some would consider 'sad', but I don't mind.

See, I agree with all of this except "You can do this again." It's lazy and dishonest. Most replies are about dashed hopes, unfulfilled desires, unmet expectations, paths unfollowed for one reason or another. Everything has an expiry date ... you wouldn't tell a retired athlete she can win her Olympic medal again, I hope?

The only certainty in life is change. Remembering our achievements is a kindness to ourselves, as you say, because everything we've done has made us who we are. We'll do other things, adding to who we are; we'll all be a little bit different tomorrow than we were yesterday.

I think I know how you feel OP. I've succeeded in the career/house stakes. I have a lovely dc and a few friends and hobbies. My life is generally good and I have a lot to be grateful for.

I don't have a partner though. Not because I haven't tried but all the men I meet seem to be pretty low - users, controllers or freeloaders. No-one easy going & decent, and I miss being close to someone. Being able to rely on anyone. Miss the intimacy.

I keep going day-to-day, hold it all together but I feel the lack of it more & more. You aren't alone. x

I really wish I could improve my earning ability currently. I am so envious of the mn flexible/work at home job but it looks like I really should have retrained pre kids .

I need tk chase up an autism/adhd Referall. My gp wasn't overly sympathetic as I appear bright and clever ("the NHS isn't for self discovery!"). But I'm in my 40s and earn peanuts and need to know.

I'm really worried for my kids future. We are struggling a lot financially and they are both super bright (as I was) but also likely both neurodivergent (one diagnosed) and I have no idea how to advise them into a well paid role as half of mumsnet.

They are already starting without the privilidge many mn start from and I don't want to see history repeat itself.

Yes, I'm not sure what the point of working hard was. I see people I went to school with in council housing in a location where I couldn't afford a 1 bed flat. They're surrounded by family, friends and a real community.
Then I look at my life. Good salary but tax and HICBC means I'm not really any better off than when I was on half this salary. Then the government think I can magic up chunks of money to support the kids at uni, while I also lose child maintenance.
I'm stressed all the time. I'm juggling a million things. My house is falling apart and I can't afford to fix any of it properly. Then I see people on so much less taking multiple holidays a year, doing loads of expensive stuff, eating out loads...I just don't know where I go wrong. And I'm so fucking lonely.

Very much so. Didn't realise I had ADHD and autism until my mid forties, and it's been the thing that's ruined my life in so many ways, because I haven't ever been medicated for it, and because it wasn't even recognised in the UK until the year 2000, I've been robbed of a life where I might have been able to concentrate on the things I wanted to do without being utterly fucked up by this horrible disorder. It completely governs every part of your life.

It makes me feel fucking rotten. If someone told me today that I didn't have long to live, I'd not be upset because I genuinely don't know how I'm going to cope when I get old. I'm permanently exhausted.

Yes, 50 this year and feel quite despondent. Single mum to a autistic dd11 who is hard work, school refuser etc and I feel guilty that she is so unhappy. Not the life I thought. I know people are worse off but it doesn't diminish how I feel. Family losses too. Life is hard.

Yes it was seeing my child diagnosed that made me think about my own neirodivergence.

I'm so all for "different wiring" but can see that it's holding her back already and don't get why our brains are so cruel to us.

I’m so sorry to hear this. I’m always around for a chat. Don’t be alone xxx

@ForeverDelayedEpiphany

Quetiapine?