Are any of you quite sad about ‘where you’ve ended up’ in life, despite your very best efforts?

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I’m sad to say, I think I am 😞

Have had a few hefty life blows along route (haven’t we all) and whilst still standing, I’m pretty sad about where it’s left me (on the inside). Not the type of sad you can just shake off or fake it till you make it either. Only the energy to keep on keeping on, not the energy to ‘make my life miles better with what I now know’ type thing.

guess I’m just looking for a little solidarity on this pensive evening x

Yes. I actually started a thread a while back for all of us who agreed we peaked at age 17 when we aced all our exams!

Essentially, I worked hard at school, went to uni, tried to climb the ladder, it didn't really work.

And I put huge amounts of effort into dating but again, it has come to naught.

I'm not sure I really care anymore tbh. I'm still luckier than 99% of the people on the planet - I have my health, an ok job and a secure place to live. Plus cat. What more do you need really.

A common theme seems to be having emotional intelligence, being caring and caring about things, people, injustice. Knowing you are intelligent and have potential to do more, but your nature and circumstances have held you back. The world of work mostly rewards extroverted people who were privileged enough to have a stable and secure childhood and grew up with confidence and self esteem. That goes a long way towards creating a comfortable life.
I don't have any answers really, but really believe that understanding that life is chaotic and there is no such thing as doing x should lead to y, we can't expect happiness and good fortune, is helpful to dealing with setbacks.
I have managed to change some.of my internal dialogue which in itself made me miserable. I have been through a very difficult time and realising that a lot of the things I worried about were a waste of energy has helped me in ways I couldn't have expected.
I am happier now than before, even though objectively some things are worse now. My mindset has changed a bit and I've stopped beating myself up for not doing as well as I expected. I am who I am and couldn't be or do some of the thing peers have done to get ahead, because I had a different start point and looked at the world differently. I try not to compare as much. It's sometimes still hard and those old feelings come back, but I believe now that living in the moment and trying to be as true to who you are is the best chance of contentment. That sounds trite but it has helped me. I look forward every day to the first cup of coffee and little morning routine. It's so simple but I am grateful for it. Before I would have woken up and start to stress about all the problems in my life, what I have failed at and be so hard on myself.
This thread is very authentic. I hope everyone finds some help and support from it.

Your message really touched me. Bless you, you sound incredible and I’ll bet you are too

"I am happier now than before, even though objectively some things are worse now. My mindset has changed a bit and I've stopped beating myself up for not doing as well as I expected. I am who I am"

I love this, @Zephyry, and it's my approach as well. I do keep stumbling (and forgiving myself, heh), so thanks for the reminder.

@Marthawhochanged, that's really sweet of you, but no. I'm still bumbling very slowly towards my current modest goals. You could start a new thread to think about yours? What with the new year and everything, I'm sure you'd find like minds.

@ThomasinaLivesHere and @Pleasegivemeyourwisdom I’ve started a new post about it on the chat board, about people who studied for a new career but didn’t succeed. It’s something that really needs to be talked about.

I agree with pp who says actually what doesn't kill you DOESN'T make you stronger.

My last romantic disappointment broke me in a way that I would have bounced back from in my 20s. I'm still not quite right, I think because in the words of Chandler "I now realise this may never happen for me".

I feel that most people's life has ups and downs but mine seems to mostly be just blah with the odd crisis. Ie I get the downs but not the ups.

Except for I mostly enjoy my job in a low-level sort of way and I have been very lucky with my wonderful cat. She is, however, ill/elderly now so I can feel the next crisis in the works as the inevitable will hit me hard.

Me. Wanted nothing more than a job I'm happy in, marriage and children.

Had the job but two marriages and two divorces put paid to the happy marriage.

Two beautiful children but my eldest son died from a brain tumour. Horrendous times.

Before that 8 miscarriages and loss of twins in late pregnancy.

Have muddled through all that. And loss of both parents.

I am now 56. About to retire. I Live with a wonderful man and have my youngest son but the last 10 years have been hell.

I need to rest, recover, heal from all my losses.

It hasn't been easy and I often think how have I got here. How am I still standing.

I'm not where I thought I would be at this age but we are where we are. I need to find acceptance, enjoy what I have, reset certain areas of my life. Heal.

Thank you so much for this thread OP. I'm so sorry that so many people feel this way but oddly I am finding some comfort as well. I think you're all incredible.

Lots of things in this thread resonating with me. Thanks all.
Maybe some of you would find this an interesting listen?
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m001tr9z?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

This is a very short video that resonated with me

The title is a bit wrong, it's more about being ordinary

As he says at the end "It takes confidence to give up on being special"

People get cross, I think, when they see that you are not busting a gut to achieve something.

Insightful post @2024GarlicCloves I would add to that looking at the Power, Threat, Meaning Framework. It also moves away from the diagnostic 'whats wrong with you?' approach to 'what happened to you? '

Very much this. You can see the stress that enormous inequality (we're now as bad as turkey, and far more unequal than European countries) and rampant consumerism causes on this site daily.

I was thinking of starting a similar thread until I found this one.

I grew up in a poor community, I was determined to get myself out of there and better myself but I was also badly bullied both at home and school. I did leave at 19 but it was to be with an abusive man so unfortunately not for the better.

I left him at 26 and became a single parent and I started a successful business. Finally I felt like I'd made it but I was also lonely.

I met a man who I'm married to now. I love him but he struggles with his mental health (he didn't initially) which I find hard. We have had some tragedies, loss of people close to us, we also have a child who is disabled.

My business failed so i decided to retrain in social work. I ended up having a break down due to stress.

Now I'm in my forties, work part time in a fairly basic job, I still have anxiety, I'm overweight, I have a slipped disc, I was diagnosed with asd a couple of years ago. I often l feel completely exhausted and have brain fog, I have had many tests for this but it's inconclusive. Probably stress related. We are on the breadline financially and I rely on my dh to support me.

Not quite the success I expected I would have. I spend my none working time exercising to offset back pain, walking dog And caring for my son and my dad. Evenings we watch tv or read. Weekends we visit family or go to a park or soft play.

I just feel like there should be more to life.

I think this is the crux of it for me. Seeing how life is not a meritocracy and how many got to where they are purely due to family . And I’m not resentful against them for being so fortunate. However I’m resentful against my parents, mostly my absent father who has a high paid career, a second wife and had the nerve to adopt children who will have been raised with so much luxury compared to how we were raised.

Everything I’ve did and not did I look at in the light of the fact we don’t all start on a level playing field. Sometimes that makes me super proud and at other times it makes me angry!

With few exceptions the people I know who have succeeded in career, love etc had strong family support whether that was emotionally, financially or both. My mum did her best as she was a single mother but made a lot of foolish financial mistakes and could be emotionally abusive as she felt my Dad had dumped us on her which yeah I guess he had. But that has all affected the options I felt were open to me, my sense of security and ability to take risks and the decisions I’ve taken.

So far I haven’t got the charming loving husband and great kids or at least a fancy house and car and I know I probably could’ve had all of that if I made different choices.
But what I did instead is walk away from men who I felt didn’t really love me, live and work abroad twice, forge and retain amazing friendships , and successfully pursue a creative career on top of my 9-5 that was a childhood dream which I’m intensely proud of and blessed to have. And I spend most days with a quiet smile despite living a life rejecting antidepressants, drugs or alcohol.

There’s a quote by Toni Morrison that says “ I want to feel what I feel even if it’s not happiness” and on my darker days that resonates so much with me.

So far, yeah - some parts of my life haven’t turned out the way I wanted, but I still have hope. And no matter how things turn out at the end, I’ll be forever grateful and proud that I’ve been authentic and faced my feelings & trauma after years of trying to suppress everything through care-giving, Ignoring my own needs and over eating.

To those who spoke about God, I get you - my faith has wavered lately especially regarding the father I was given or rather wasn’t given. And I feel ungrateful given what I have been allowed to achieve and my overall good health and relative lack of bereavements in my life. One of the Jewish names for God is El Roi and I think it means the God who sees. God sees me. Reflecting on that is of immense comfort to me at times when I think I’ve been forgotten or ignored.

I don’t need to live a cookie cutter life but I do want to live a beautiful and honest life,
and I believe that can be achieved without all the societal approved external indicators of success which ultimately many have but are still dreadfully unhappy and /or unfulfilled.

I started off this post a bit sad and angry but as I wrote I find myself feeling hopeful , reflecting on all my wins, blessings and what makes me smile :)

Great thread by the way. It has been refreshing to see such honesty and thoughtfulness on here.

I used to feel very strongly that I was a failure, a disappointment etc … As another poster said, it may be a phase we go through in midlife and then we come out the other side.

I find that looking at the bigger picture helps. The world is a huge place. Coral reefs don’t care whether we lived up to our early academic potential. People in other countries don’t care. Even our next door neighbours don’t care. And we don’t care whether our neighbours lived up to their school days potential either.

It’s very easy to lose the fancy house and the fancy lifestyle. A serious economic crash or climate change catastrophe would wipe out a lot of people’s success. What matters is your resilience, your ability to be content and how you treat other people.

This. Perfectly said, especially the last line 👏

@minmooch 💐

Thanks again for all the food for thought.

I have felt far more upbeat and at peace since collaborating with you all!

Thanks for this thread OP, I do feel a bit like this sometimes especially as I'm approaching 40. I have good things in my life that I'm grateful for - a few wonderful friends that I have known for more than 15 years, a decent relationship with my mother (after years of struggling to get along), my health is good and I'm fairly happy with my weight/appearance (although I know that may change over the next 10 years with perimenopause etc.).

But I feel like a failure most of the time because my lack of career and because I don't have my own home. Workwise I seem to get bored easily, moving from job to job, never really settling. I don't want something with lots of responsibility, and have a fear of getting stuck doing the same thing for years and years, I just want a stress free job I can go home and not worry about. As a result, my CV is embarrassingly hodge-podge, which is a difficult when doing interviews. I have gotten the question 'why haven't you moved up' a few times. I dread the question 'what do you want to do?' - I just want to be left the fuck alone, I don't care about getting a promotion, or having more responsibility.

Someone said on this thread - the world doesn't value a simple life, and I think that's so true. I don't want to achieve more, always be optimising, always looking to step up. That's not really me.

Compared to my friends, I'm the only long term single and the only one still renting (I'm back renting a room in a house, so I don't even have my own place, as it's too expensive in my city). It means by comparison I still seem to be living in a sort of arrested development. I will probably never earn enough to own a house or apartment. Even if I got approved for a mortgage as a single applicant, it wouldn't be enough to get a one bed apartment even in the shittiest, crime ridden area of my city. Plus I'd be paying the hefty mortgage and management fees by myself, and it would take up most of my salary.

I could moved a few hours away to a different county and try to buy a small apartment, but it would mean moving away from the only good things in my life (friends, family) and also my father is in a local nursing home and I visit him regularly, which would be so much harder. So I'm sort of stuck for the next few years at least. I realise that this is because of my choices - I spent my 20 travelling and never really settled anywhere, my 30's has been a bit of shit-show of trying and failing different things.

I just feel that compared to what I'm 'supposed' to have at this age, I'm doing badly. But actually, I don't even want a husband, definitely don't want kids, and know I'm not suited to a stressful career. And yet it bothers me that I'm not normal like everyone else and achieving these things. I just want to be ok with who I actually am.

I dread the question 'what do you want to do?' - I just want to be left the fuck alone, I don't care about getting a promotion, or having more responsibility.

For what it’s worth, I’m okay with that! I feel much the same, but it’s not really the approved answer to give in an interview, is it. I hate the way that all the big HR and careers people act as if there’s something wrong with that.

I hear you!

Someone said on this thread - the world doesn't value a simple life, and I think that's so true. I don't want to achieve more, always be optimising, always looking to step up. That's not really me.

I agree with this 100%. I hate those work reviews with questions like "where do you see yourself in five years?" Erm, in a dream world, not working here, and no money worries at all, in reality, bumbling along quite nicely, not in debt, and not stressed to heck!

Exactly!

Hey OP, another one who thinks you sound lovely. My DD has significant MH problems (? autism), I'm fat, I do a boring job, I'm addicted to my phone. No glamour here whatsoever, but buggering on.

@Farmageddon Twas I who said about the simple life

Same as you...I never wanted husband and children and by about 30 ish, I knew my health was going to hold back my career. I wasn't particularly fascinated by any career but I wanted to make more money and have a nice house and garden.

If it helps, when I was happy at 40, spending the birthday in Las Vegas with friends, I noticed the criticism/questioning of my personal choices stopped.

Some people will still argue that there's some arrested development if you are childfree, but those people are not worth your time.

There's loads of interesting things here but I'm trying not to spend too much online so I won't go on and on 😂

But it really does take confidence to say to people "No, I'm not in a big career, I'm not married, I'm okay with these things." I'm a confident person so I'm surprised I find it hard to say, even now I'm nearly 48.

Obviously I'm not 100% okay with the career thing - but I'm much happier knowing my limits. I did about 4 hours work today, ran some errands locally, and I'm really tired and my back hurts (spinal injury leftovers). This is my reality. Spending money on retraining or therapy or whatever dumb suggestions so many people have isn't worth it. I wish I'd realised earlier. I felt like a failure in the eyes of others. Now I think, so what? I did okay, especially with my limitations.

An HR person said to me that she's had to explain to CEOs that an organisation with everyone wanting to be a star would be a huge nuisance with constant leaving, recruitment, etc. She also said they often don't want to hear it. There's a lack of understanding that the "pootling along well, no need for promotion" type is an asset to the place.

then they wonder why over 50s on good health don't want to go back to work...actually that's a whole other thread! 😂