Are any of you quite sad about ‘where you’ve ended up’ in life, despite your very best efforts?

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I’m sad to say, I think I am 😞

Have had a few hefty life blows along route (haven’t we all) and whilst still standing, I’m pretty sad about where it’s left me (on the inside). Not the type of sad you can just shake off or fake it till you make it either. Only the energy to keep on keeping on, not the energy to ‘make my life miles better with what I now know’ type thing.

guess I’m just looking for a little solidarity on this pensive evening x

How strange, is was musing along these lines earlier today, and giving myself a bit of a pep talk, and now I've stumbled across this thread... It's prompted me to stop lurking and make an account. I'm 37 this year. While my life isn't awful, when I see what's going on with my peers, I do get a bit "why isn't it like that for me?" One has set up her own business and is successful, one has quit work and is now able to spend all her time out and about, and competing with her horses (mine are broken!), another has achieved a qualification that was a life long dream, another working an average job but living life to the full, no money worries, travelling etc... meanwhile, traumatic upbringing, being a student in school who didn't shine, but didn't struggle or cause trouble, so never had any encouragement or help, mental illness with lifetime medication and management, spinal and nerve damage... I'm trying to make peace with my lot and with what I am, and live quietly, but it is hard. Even without the usual social media (it fed demons I'd rather starved), just hearing on the grapevine deflates me a little. I'm working on it, but I'm not trying to be the best I can anymore. Just be... Content I guess

@NonPlayerCharacter that's the time when things started going wrong, it's just been one thing after another to the point where i am now and my life is such a mess - DH & I separated, my career evaporated, my closest friends moved out of the country, I fell out with my mother, my mental health has suffered etc etc. Not all at once, but 7 years ago my life was so much better than it is now

Yes and no.
I thought I would be earning more. I earn £28,00, but it is an easy job with good people.
I did well at school and got a decent degree. I come from a poverty level family so have done well to be married and with a house. But my partner was diagnosed with a serious illness and went from earning about £45k to minimum wage. But my partner is doing really well as most people with the same chronic illness do not work at all.
I went from earning double what I do now, to much lower paid jobs when I was ill myself and could no longer cope with stressful and demanding jobs.
We do okay, and do have fun, but its hard hearing people complaining about mot having much money when they have much more than us.
I think the hardest thing is knowing that there is not enough years left till state retirement to really change things much. When you are young even if low earning, there is time to change things.
But I have had so many bereavements of younger relatives and friends. We are both alive and still finding fun where we can. Its all you can do.

I'm interested that Quetiapine keeps coming up. I've recently been taken off this after some years. No neurological symptoms but soon found I couldn't sleep if I forgot to take it. Feel better off it but now need sleeping tablets instead 🙄

I only have experience of children and adults with problems like this as I have worked with them, but may I say, I find your honesty very courageous. I hope your family get all the support you need ❤️

This is one of the most thoughtful threads I've ever read on Mumsnet. I'm lucky that I'm content with where I am. I guess I just wanted to reflect that reading these posts, I respect you. The way you communicate your life experiences, and share your reflections. There is so much of value here. The collective intelligence and experience of women is something I really love.

I have a poorly paying, stressful job. A shit car, a shit house, and a DS that has profound SEN. I hate my life 99.9% of the time, but I wouldn't change any of it because DS wouldn't be DS if I did, and much as the non-sleeping, violence, aggression, and lack of conversation breaks my heart, one smile and one kiss and all the bad stuff is erased.

I won’t bore you with the details, but 7 years ago, I lost so much, not everything, but so much.

I have tried unsuccessfully to find happiness, but have failed, I don’t ever see me being truly happy every again.

However, I have come to realise that I am searching for the wrong thing.
I need to find peace not happiness.

Yes, peace, contentment, and acceptance are all very healing.

Currently sitting sobbing in my lie gran's living room. Lost her at Easter.
Struggling to come to terms with her death
Family are stoic - they don't 'do' upset'. Only approach they know is 'trying to shirk you out of it with a good talking to' which I am now too weak to take.
Just moved back to my hometown after 10 years overseas
I have a good SE job but can't buy a house (due to living overseas). Living in my gran's house, could get kicked out of it at any point.
Can't even buy a car (see above) to get around a bit
I am 33. No man. Would have loved to be a mum.
My blood pressure is through the roof
I have lost a stone since Gran died. Wasn't big to begin with.
I used to be a competitive swimmer. Now just don't have the energy to train
The one person I would turn to here has gone to New Zealand for 4 weeks and I miss her like hell.

I feel like such a bloody embarrassment. I was a model student. Worked hard, developed a career. It has ultimately got me nowhere. I have faith, but right now I think that God has forgotten me. Sorry, I know MN don't really do God, but it's relevant to me.

This thread has helped me realise I'm not alone in feeling shit !! Helps when everyone you know has an easy ride.

Yes I feel like this, but mainly because I had to give up work due to ill health, so am much poorer than I would be if I had remained healthy and able to carry on with my career. So in an attempt to mitigate this we moved to a cheaper area to free up funds. This turned out to be a huge mistake which has also impacted my mental health, and I am plagued with anxiety and depression. Following a heart attack DH is also too unwell now to contemplate moving again, so I am having to learn to bloom in the desert so to speak.

I had a very rough start in life, and people who had similar experiences have ended up in worse circumstances than me or even not survived. I survived and also at least had the opportunity to have some sort of career even though it was a lot shorter than I planned. I also have two lovely children, two adored grandchildren and we have paid off our mortgage. So I try and remember I have a lot to be thankful for.

This thread is so helpful x

I’m 51 and live with my emotionally abusive mother who’s now in the early stages of dementia.

I was academic too but I was lazy and never looked ahead. Stayed with boy I met at eighteen, had two DS’s, one autistic, one ADHD. ADHD son was very abusive towards me and has lived with his dad for the past eight years. (He’s lovely now and we have some amazing conversations but not sure we’d get on if he lived with me.)

Then realised that I’m autistic and have inattentive ADHD. Single parent doing cleaning jobs, did an OU degree (didn’t complete final year but have the basic degree). Burnt out from raising two ND boys, moving house around ten times in twelve years, dealing with very difficult ex and very difficult mother.

Now horrifically depressed and anxious. Stuck in nightmare situation which I could actually get out of but I’m scared of spending all my money and being reliant on my DS. My health is too fragile to do a full time job.

I do God and I know that there are times where he seems distant. I will pray for you and in the meantime, know you are loved, known and deeply precious ❤️.
I would echo that thought to all posters. Not everyone gets an equal start in life and if you compared the trials you have dealt with compared to others (often hidden!), you may be more successful than you realise.

@heartofglass23 thank you for the advice ♥️ I don’t pay anything towards the mortgage I just cover bills, I own a house that was left to my via inheritance that I rent out for a small income plus I’ve got plenty of family to stay with + savings and a stable job, so honestly I am covered but thank you for worrying about me.

Everything else though…. 😢

I feel that I have been held back by two major events in my life.

1. A relative psychologically, physically and sexually abused me when I was a child and has since refused to acknowledge it when privately confronted over 20 years ago. I’ve gone no contact about 12 years ago but haven’t told some of my close relatives why. I just said that our personalities clash and if we weren’t related, I wouldn’t choose to be friends with them. I can’t do any more, but it pretty much haunts me.
2. Less than two weeks after I married DH, one of my parents died; I didn’t even know they were terminally ill. My other parent told me later on that they had chosen not to tell me because the terminal diagnosis came 6-8 weeks before the wedding date. The logical side of my brain acknowledges that my parent was trying to do the right thing in allowing me to finish planning a wedding that had been a year in the making (25.5 y ago). The emotional part of me still rages now that I didn’t know. I could have at least been told the day after the wedding to postpone our honeymoon, which we had only planned for 1 week anyway. I could have had that extra time, I could have said goodbye properly. I didn’t know that when we left my parents’ house to drive 100 miles or so to our new married quarter (my DH is military), after the honeymoon it would be the last time I saw my parent alive. I would have behaved so differently.

I’m now 48, and these events have impacted me so much.

Finally, after 16 years of teaching (I started supply teaching 1 month after the death of my parent, 3 weeks after their funeral.), I couldn’t hack it any more, and last month it was 10 years since I quit. I loved the teaching bit - even the marking sometimes, but the bureaucratic bullshit and, yes, the OfStEd visits made it miserable and stressful. But I can’t shake off the feelings of disappointment in myself, and think that this must be what others think of me too.

Now I do an office job that bores me shitless. But it’s also less than 3 miles to commute. Yet I’m still often late, or almost. Says a lot, right?

I thought I had the perfect life, happily married, dc autistic but high functioning and generally wonderful, DH with a good job, our mortgage paid off at 40 and me well educated and free to work as much or little as I liked.

I'd never had a successful career (I suspect due to being ND) but I learned to live with that and really appreciated what a good life we had as a family.

Then 25 years after we married my husband told me he'd never loved me or been attracted to me and was only ever with me because he didn't want to be alone. It turned out my whole happy life had been a sham. Now I'm nearly 50 stuck in a marriage of convenience pretending to the world that everything is fine. Who has the energy to want to start again at 50?

I appreciate this thread for reminding me that I am not alone in being let down by life.

Neuroleptics, and any antipsychotics top the list for iatrogenic (,drug induced) neurological injuries. I only took the antipsychotic drug - that ruined my life - for a week, and some poor susceptible people get a movement disorder like mine after one IV dose or single pill.

I'd do anything, literally anything, to have good brain health again. It's so hard to keep going when you have a semi-functioning mind and central nervous system 😞😩

Wow how awful 😞

Why can't you leave? You deserve so much more.

This thread is thought provoking. Although the best possible place in life hasn't been achieved, whatever that means personally, so many of you are still going despite the adversity you have faced. I hope you all find peace

Thanks everyone for commenting

it’s made me realise - again - that what I see in others lives, and indeed what they may see in mine - does not reflect what is going on on the inside for them.

if you met me I’m cheery, happy, bubbly, look content, but secretly carry shame for having not ‘made it further’. I thought with hard work that I could. And I have expendeD so much to try to.

i suspect strongly that I’m neurodiverse and it hurts like hell that I excelled in school yet haven’t managed to excel in life. Makes me soooo sad. I want to change this mindset. In fact I need to adjust my mindset - for my sake. And there’s been some awesome tips on here. Heartfelt thanks. I really have felt a lightness since starting this thread. The authenticity of it has helped me feel less utterly alone.

@123stay Although not a happy topic for a thread that does sound like an interesting one that others could relate to. As someone who regularly thinks about retraining it would be good to learn about when it doesn’t work out. Sorry it didn’t work out for you.

Ps. I’d love this retraining thread - this happened to me x

I think life is much more difficult for women in general ... trauma is part of life, and also luck plays its part - heartily agree with both of these, @CreationNat1on. For myself, I'd have benefited from a more global understanding of the challenges I might face. However, I might still not have been able to compensate for them due to my personal flaws.

With those flaws & challenges in mind, and reading everyone's story here, there are two related concepts I thought worth mentioning:

ACEs - many here have a high score on adverse childhood experiences (I score 6 or 7, depending on the definition of sexual abuse). I didn't even realise there'd been anything abnormal about my childhood until I started therapy in my forties. Then it slowly became clear that my mistakes were the result of what I'd learned - and, just as importantly, hadn't learned - growing up.

I've found 'inner child work' helpful. It's got a mixed reputation but, since we can't go back and have a different childhood, it's better than nothing. It can be extremely distressing (I don't blame anyone for choosing not to do it!) and the Stately Homes threads on here provided valuable support to me, as others.

The symptoms of long-term trauma (CPTSD) can closely mimic those of ASD and ADHD, which is why I'm not too quick to diagnose myself.

The Anna Karenina principle is named for the first line of Tolstoy's novel: "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

Extending to all sorts of things beyond families, it recognises that success requires a number of factors to ALL be in place. Missing just one of them can impair or even prevent the goal's fulfilment. Someone might have all the advantages we lack yet be missing one or two crucial factors, leaving them just as fucked-up in their own way as we are in ours.

It's an argument in favour of group support - with each member having their own mix of factors present & absent, we may be able to help each other in that way. It's also an argument against comparison: the only truly successful people are those with NO missing factors; everyone else is struggling.

We can try to redefine success for ourselves, requiring only the factors available to us. It's a bit shit (ask me about it 😬) but it offers sanity at least.

Still reading. Thank you again for the thread, @Pleasegivemeyourwisdom