What am I doing with my life?

[NeatNectarine]

First of all I should point out I am male, but I think it is always useful to get a female perspective, and also I posted here a few months back and got some very helpful responses.

I am trying to work out what I am doing with my life and where I am going. This post may sound like I am unhappy or depressed, but I am not (I don't think!), just unfulfilled and it is probably fuelled by the time of year. I am not really sure what I am seeking from responses, but hopefully some advice or something kick me into action.

Basically I am 44, single and never married and have no kids, I am in a job and career that is 'ok' (I don't hate it, I don't love it) and living in the house I was born in all those years ago. Probably the last point is the most unusual, so I'll start with that first.

Living in my childhood home
Let me go into my background a bit as I am sure this affected how my life has turned out.

I am an only child and when I was born in 1979 my mum was 36 and my dad was 38, which, back then, was unusually old to have your first (and only) child. But this was because before I was born my mum had a number of miscarriages and a stillborn baby and had a very new operation that allowed me to be born. I know that just a year or two previously she had been told she would never have children, but my mum and dad sought a second opinion. I was very much a last throw of the dice in that respect.

At 11 I passed my 11 plus and went to an all-boys grammar school. That, combined with having no brothers or sisters meant I had very little interaction with females until I was 18 and went to Uni.

I had three fantastic years at Uni in Sheffield and then lived and worked up there for a year. However my year working there wasn't the same as being at Uni and gradually people drifted off home so at the start of September 2001 I moved back home myself. Unfortunately within two and half months of moving home my mum died of cancer.

In normal circumstances I think I would have moved home, and immediately started to look for my own place/a place with a friend, because after four years of living independently I don't think I could gone back to living with my mum and dad (even though I got on with both of them really well).

However with my mum dying I didn't want to leave my dad at home by himself as he was understandably devastated. So I lived at home, got a job and tried my best to get through the next couple of years and cope without being with my mum.

About three years later, just as I felt my dad was getting back onto his feet and I felt like maybe I could move out, he met someone else (20 years on they are still together). She lives literally just around the corner and he began spending more and more time there, so I had pretty much had my own place and I thought I could save the money I would be paying on rent to get a deposit for my own place so I continued living at my childhood home.

In 2009, I decided rather than use the money to put a deposit on my own place I would travel around the world. I spent two years travelling and lived and worked in Australia and New Zealand, and it was the best thing I ever did.

I moved back home in 2011, and somehow I am still here.

I could move out, but I couldn't afford to buy a place by myself, so I could rent, but I literally have my own place to myself here. I pay my dad rent, but much less than I would do on the open market, and he pops back a couple of times a week. It also means someone is looking after the house of course.

But if I moved out or moved in with other people I feel it might do me good, as I live by myself. But then I am 44 - I don't even know if people still do that at my age!

Work
I have worked in Marketing for 20 plus years. It is ok, but nothing more. I don't find it fulfilling. I started a new job last June, which is fairly isolating, and I have little contact with other people, which I know isn't good for me, so I have decided that when I have been in the job for a year I will start looking around again. Which leaves me with two options:

1. Continue in Marketing, but working for an organisation or in an industry I am passionate about.
2. Change career completely, which I have thought about before, but it would mean retraining and taking a salary cut which I can afford to do. I am leaning more towards this and am looking at degree apprenticeships and considering something in health or fitness, nutrition, generally helping people. So I have a few months to work this out.

Relationships
I like to think I am a good person, but I have been single for large portions of my adult life. I find it easy to make friends, but I find it really difficult to make that real 'connection' with someone, which I feel like I did last year and which my previous post here was about.

I know being in a relationship doesn't necessarily make you happy, but I would like to find someone to share my life with. I am also aware that I am an only child and while my dad is in very good health, he is 82 and I don't want to be completely on my own in 10 years time or so...

I have done online dating and been on a few dates, but whether I am being too picky or not it has never gone any further and I think I would rather meet someone by finding my tribe of people as cheesy as that sounds.

Hobbies
This is where I made big progress in 2023. I do CrossFit twice a week and run four or five times a week. At the end of 2022 I joined a local running club. It wasn't a proper Athletics club, but it is run by a proper running coach (again the lady my previous post related to), and we do proper training sessions once a week.

Finding that club has been the best thing I have ever done, and I have never felt more part of something than I do this group. It is a wonderful bunch of people, and I have made 4 or 5 really close friends, who I think the world of, from it. When I talked previously about finding my people, this is what I meant, we are all on a similar wavelength and we all get on really well.

I've also got fitter and faster and joined a proper Athletics club one other day a week and have a number of half marathons, road races, a marathon and cross country in the schedule.

Additionally I joined a CrossFit gym about ten months ago and again I have met some good people through that.

And that is it really, like I say I am not sure what I hoping to get from this post, maybe some encouragement, maybe some advice, or maybe just someone telling me a I need to sort my life out!

Maybe it is an early mid-life crisis, but I feel I should have achieved more when I see most of my friends married, with their families and houses and I can't quite work out where I went wrong, as, like I said, I like to think I am good person, kind and generous and I have kept myself in good shape.

Also I know being in a relationship/having a good career/owning your house etc, doesn't make you happy. So I am not quite sure what I am searching for!

Are you shy ?

You say you feel like you should have achieved more but if you picture a ‘better life’ what would be different to the one you have now? Do you really want a partner and family or do you feel like you should have one?

I definitely used to be shy, but I would say travelling changed all of that. I am quiet, and confident in myself, but not shy.

This kind of goes back to what I said at the end, I have friends who are married, have kids, have houses, and are less happy than me, I know it doesn't equate to a happier life.

But happiness is only real when shared right? So yes I would like someone to share my life with, but I'd rather be single for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong reasons. I think meeting someone last year I felt a real connection with for the first time in years opened my eyes up to that.

Doesn’t sound like you have done anything wrong per se. Haven’t read your previous thread though.

Have you secured your financial future? Been paying heavily into a pension etc
to make up for low housing costs being child free? Are you happy living there? Maybe talk to your dad about signing the house over to you/ early inheritance? Don’t know much about inheritance tax avoidance etc and whether that will be allowed.

Relationships wise, with your interests and clubs which sound very sociable etc I suspect that the right person will come along that shares those interests. there are few men your age who have limited relationship baggage/ children etc so I suspect you will be a good catch for someone.

Maybe focus on what you are grateful for and good things will happen? Many men your age with huge mortgage, broken relationships, problematic families etc would be envious of your freedoms and face you have choices.

What happened with the woman from the running club?

This is my question too ☝️

Yes I have a good pension and savings, have the house signed over etc. I am not so much concerned about that side of things.

Oh and I am definitely a radiator not a drain, I am very grateful for what I have and very grateful for the fantastic people I met last year.

I think it is the cold and dark of January, it is when the negative thoughts do rear their head!

Haha, well nothing per se.

We still message most days, and see each other occasionally (she runs the Monday night running club I go to) but it isn't the constant messaging and seeing each other a lot we had at the start of last year, which is a good thing.

She just moved in with her boyfriend of two years a month ago. But even when I talked to her about that she told me she thought she'd end up spending a lot of time with her parents still.

Then the week before she moved in we were chatting on WhatsApp and she sent me a photo of her and her cat to which I said "Oh you'll miss <CAT NAME>", and she replied something along the lines of "I'll still be here, I like my independence and will miss being at home too much". When I questioned her on whether she was still moving out, she said she was officially, but she wasn't sure how it would work out as she doesn't want to go back to her parents too much.

Anyway, that is a whole different story, and I guess her moving in will either make or break the relationship, but I don't want to get too sucked up into things again when I know nothing can happen.

Hi OP. Sorry to hear that things haven't worked out for you as you'd hoped or expected. I think it just gets harder to meet someone or make changes the older you get. I do feel also there's maybe a lack of sympathy in responses to your post; if a woman wrote this there would have been an outpouring of empathy and understanding. Instead, the first response was very blunt - in my opinion!

I'm also 44. I have been very lucky to find my DH, but do wonder how things might have been different. I have friends in your situation who have done everything 'right' but haven't connected with anyone that they'd like to spend their life with. And as I say, it gets more challenging the older you get.

You do sound lovely so I'd recommend persevering with trying to meet a partner. Your fitness hobbies sound promising, perhaps it didn't work out with the woman you reference (haven't read that thread) but it could with someone else?

Good luck.

@NeatNectarine Work wise, if you’ve spent 20 years in the same field you’ve built up quite the skill set I’m sure.

Why not start offering freelance marketing services to the fitness industry so you can utilise your skills and experience in a way that also indulges your passion/hobbies.

For a lower risk strategy than just jacking in your career to start over, you can build up a client base as a side gig, get it to an income replacement level, and then quit your day job.

Hi OP, your life doesn't seem bad at all. I wouldn't move into a flat share. Stay put, you're lucky.

I wouldn't say you're too picky. It's good to be sure what you like and not settling for anything where there is no connection.

It's nice you have a great connection with your dad and I'm sorry your mum passed 😞

Thanks everyone for your comments, I do appreciate them. I think the issue is that I had been single for 3 or 4 years without it bothering me, and then I got into the situation I mentioned in my previous thread with my running coach which reminded me there are people I really connect with.

I think I need to get to grips with that situation and then find a job I am passionate about and where I am based in an office with other people at least a couple of days a week!

Oh and wait for January and February to pass, they are such depressing months!

You don’t sound like you’re doing badly to me? Effectively, in terms of property ownership, you can expect to inherit the house you live in unless it needs to be sold for care costs. Could you come to an agreement with your dad that he signs a percentage of the property over to you, to gain a bit of security against it being sold for care costs in the future? Otherwise financially you sound sorted.

You have hobbies and a good group of friends. You’d like a relationship but not with just anyone - that’s healthy. You’ve got years ahead of you to find someone who’s right.

You’re exploring career plans. Great! And you have the freedom to do so without having to consider anyone but yourself- that’s a luxury, don’t take it for granted.

You know you love travel - can you plan a trip to get through the dark months and have something to look forward to?

Would volunteering your skills or time to something make you feel connected? Would getting a lodger help with loneliness day to day? Or a dog/cat? (They cost you money rather than earning you it tho! Maybe get a lodger who has their own pet )

You sound great. You don’t sound like you’re ‘behind’ in life to me. We all have different paths.

No advice but u sound lovely and I wish u all the best

It sounds like you might have a bit of choice paralysis! Given that you have things sorted financially and your dad's house to fall back on, and that you don't really have to worry about anyone else, you have loads of choices open to you. As nice as that is, sometimes it makes it hard to pick something as you worry about what you might be missing out on by forgoing the other options.

Regarding all the options available to you (e.g. moving into a shared house, moving out to rent privately, staying where you are, retraining, finding a new job within your current sector, moving back to Aus for a bit, or a combination of these!), nobody can make that decision but you. There are pros and cons to each and none of them sound like bad options, just different. I read something recently that said a big part of happiness with a choice you make often doesn't come from making the 'right' choice - it comes from making a choice, running with it wholeheartedly, and making the best of that choice.

If you make a change and hate it, you can always 'redo' things and try something different. It's not like you're going to be locked into anything. From what you've said, it sounds like your dad's house will always be there for you to go back to if you move out and decide it's not for you. It's not a forever decision. If you change jobs and don't like it, you can change again.

I think that's a long way of saying you sound a bit bored and in need of a change - you just need to pick something and go with it! What you pick doesn't matter as much as doing something different so you feel a bit reinvigorated.

You also don't have to solve it all at once. One change might have a knock on effect in other areas of your life. Retraining in an area you're passionate about, for example, might bring you into contact with a load of people who you gel with a lot more than in your current workplace, which could lead to a relationship, which could lead to a new living situation, etc. Just get the ball rolling one way or another! 😀

Thanks everyone for your comments!

I do have a trip planned for May, I am cycling around Slovenia, so I am looking forward to that.

Volunteering is definitely an option, but my time is quite limited as outside of work I go to CrossFit twice a week and run five times a week. But I do have a cat and he is great company!

Maybe as @hamustro says I am suffering a bit from Segal's Law, ie "A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure".

The career thing is something I will think about over the next few months and give myself a bit of time to consider really what I want to do.

That said I do have an interview for a job with Cats Protection, which is good as I love cats!