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Original poster

Nasty behaviour, Spoilt Christmas what next?

243 replies

reflecting2023 · 28/12/2023 18:05

I've NC but if anyone would like to know my usual name pls msg me.
Very sad and sort of confused.

I did all the preparation for Christmas in the house and presents for me DH and three adult children and two GC and one child's partner. It took a while as I also work but spent the pre Xmas week of AL doing just that.
The Friday I cleaned and sorted and tidied ( we have too much stuff) and when H came home to a v clean house he was unhappy with a couple of open windows and some things I'd moved around ( his hat and plates from a dresser that was unstable and nearly fell on me) . Had a huge go at me, was also being incredibly domineering and over the top. We were going out for dinner and I think he would have cancelled as he often does but for the fact he doesn't cook and it was local but he was having a go at me the entire way there - watch the mud, don't run anyone over, park on the road etc etc. I told him not to bully and control me. thankfully once there the ambience was nice and I got chatting to others and the tension broke.
Christmas weekend lots going on - the adult children can be quite needy too - my eldest moody and tired, daughter can't help as two yr old super busy and she can be a bit rude , others ok.
I had thoughtful presents for everyone and though I don't really care that much about presents had a nice bath stuff from thoughtful youngest , unwrapped candle holder from Dd and eldest son didn't give anything until Boxing Day as he was so tired. DH had a few little bits but not much for me and said a brief oh ok for my presents.
All weekend he put me down , treated me basically like cr*p and a servant, deliberately not responding if I asked something, or gas lighting about things, blaming me for anything slightly going wrong or just being plain mean. No real reason for any of this except he can't cope with stress or Xmas and gets angry if things aren't just so. I appear to be his fall guy. We were supposed to go out Xmas Eve but he decided not to as it was raining and I just ended up prepping all the veg etc with youngest while H watched TV!
I feel so unappreciated and so despondent wrt his treatment of me and also feel the adult children could have made a lot more effort to be present and ask people how they were etc instead of just taking and being self centred.
Today H blamed me for something again which was untrue and I said he is bullying and controlling me which I found a shame as we had got on better lately and had been away together. His response was I don't get it and apparently my family never liked each other ( we did!) and don't know how to be like a close family like his! I said we are his family and he is an adult who should be supporting me when things need doing in the house not treating me as a servant and bullying me to stay in control.
I'm feeling low and need some space but any comments welcome. Obviously hard without posting everything which would be way too much. TIA

OP posts:
DialEmforMurder · 28/12/2023 18:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2023 18:29

You need permanent space like a divorce gives

INeedCharcoalPants · 28/12/2023 18:33

Is he like this all year round OP? He sounds like a miserable sod and you deserve better

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Christmas Events & celebrations
PaminaMozart · 28/12/2023 18:39

What does he actually add to your life?

Would you be okay financially on your own?

ilovelamp82 · 28/12/2023 18:46

I hope you manage to get out of this situation. Life is too short to be talked down to by people who claim that they love you. I wish for you that next Christmas you will be in a much better place looking back at this, thinking thank goodness I got away from that. Seriously, life is too short. Sound like you could drive yourself insane trying to explain to him that you feel unappreciated but the truth is, he doesn't care and won't change. If you can afford it, take some money and buy yourself some things that normally you wouldn't. Some Christmas presents to yourself. You deserve it.

Rosiem2808 · 28/12/2023 18:53

Oh OP I feel your anxiety with every word you wrote.

It is not pleasant feeling unappreciated especially when it seems you are the only one who is actually doing anything; and everything you do is for them and they take and do not give.
All I would say to you is - do you think it is the pressure of Christmas that makes them behave like this or is it because your husband is always like this and the rest of the family follow down the lead as it were?
It sounds like you need a rest from all of them.

Rather than consider something as drastic as divorce, why not take yourself off for a few days to somewhere nice and just rest. This way you can have time to think without being shouted at and put down by your fool of a husband. Then you can decide what to do next.
Best wishes

PTSDBarbiegirl · 28/12/2023 19:00

OP, this will continue but you need to ask yourself if this is what you are prepared to accept for yourself or not. It just sounds like you're an emotional punchbag, it's not good enough. You could be so much happier without this bullying.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 28/12/2023 19:07

He sounds like a horrible bully. You should be making plans to leave.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 28/12/2023 19:10

Is your DH the father of your children? TBH at this point I'd give him an ultimatum that either he stops behaving like this toward you or it's time for this relationship to end. His behaviour is awful, and if he has a particular issue around Christmas he needs to take responsibility for that and get himself some therapy (and potentially do the overtime to fund it).

Missingmyusername · 28/12/2023 19:12

I’m sorry, I hope you managed to enjoy parts of your Christmas.
Your DH sounds incredibly grumpy, mean spirited and a drain. I’d have a good think, keep a list if need be, mark a dot on the calendar every time he upsets you, maybe an asterisk if he makes you happy. Count them up after a year and make a decision.

People can get stressed, be unhappy, depressed, and can take it out on the one closest to them. Communication is paramount, apologies can be made if lines have been crossed and someone loses their tether. Depends how much you are prepared to put up with.
If I were you I would begin to squirrel some money away, just in case you ever decide to leave.

MissyB1 · 28/12/2023 19:17

Ask yourself if you want this to carry on? How many more years do you want to live like this? You can’t change him, you need to understand that, only he can change himself and he doesn’t see any need to. Your kids see you being disrespected and I wonder how that has affected their attitude towards you.

Basically you need to see a solicitor and talk through the options if you decide to leave the marriage. Don’t tell your Dh you are doing that or even thinking about it. Just quietly explore options.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 28/12/2023 19:18

If he is not always like this, you could have a conversation with him about his behaviour and how it makes you feel once Christmas is over.

If he is - couples counselling? If not, maybe some counselling for yourself to decide what to do. A lot of people get into grumpy spells, but it is not ok to take it out on you.

As for the adult children - do you always do everything for them? Is this a long term habit? If so, I would tell them how you felt and ask for more help/interaction next year.

Tittiesthattouchmytors · 28/12/2023 20:15

My advice would be to not host Christmas next year. Go away together (if you choose to stay with him) and get away from the routine you have developed over years and years with DH and DC.

If you prefer to stay at home ( and with him) you need to accept that he is not going to suddenly start being helpful and lovely. Tell him which tasks are his and which you will do.

I feel very sad that you have been disappointed and your needs neglected over Christmas, by your careless family. If you want it to be better for you, you will need to find the impetus to change it.

Original poster
reflecting2023 · 28/12/2023 20:54

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Thank you. I would be much happier without him. He improved but has gone back to type. If he could reflect and apologise it would be better but he just keeps on bigging himself up and putting me down you can't get through to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
reflecting2023 · 28/12/2023 20:55

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2023 18:29

You need permanent space like a divorce gives

Thankyou. I think you are right I can't take much more poor behaviour.

OP posts:
Snowdogsmitten · 28/12/2023 21:07

Jesus this is sad to read, OP. He’s a horrible shit. I hope you can leave him, and soon.

Vinrouge4 · 28/12/2023 21:20

New year, new life. You deserve more OP. Summon up your courage and leave him. Think of yourself for a change.

Original poster
reflecting2023 · 28/12/2023 21:20

PaminaMozart · 28/12/2023 18:39

What does he actually add to your life?

Would you be okay financially on your own?

Well when mellow I guess I'm less lonely. It's nice to do things together. Financially I was a SAHP for more than ten years so my pension isn't great so if I divorce him I'll obviously be worse off yes.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 28/12/2023 21:34

reflecting2023 · 28/12/2023 21:20

Well when mellow I guess I'm less lonely. It's nice to do things together. Financially I was a SAHP for more than ten years so my pension isn't great so if I divorce him I'll obviously be worse off yes.

Show quote history

Well, a step down in one's standard of living isn't great, but if it means freedom from bullying and stress then I'd say it's a good exchange.

See a solicitor to get a good picture of what a divorce settlement may mean for you. You may be surprised. If it's a long marriage and you were a SAHM you may be entitled to a part of your husband's pension. And if you own a home you'll be entitled to an equitable share after it's sold.

Original poster
reflecting2023 · 28/12/2023 23:47

Yes guess I'm entitled to half of everything and I've got a good job, though not sure about the pension. I don't really want to live but if that's the only way.

OP posts:
Original poster
reflecting2023 · 29/12/2023 00:15

Apologies how do you edit?
Don't really want to leave my home ( I renovated it)

OP posts:
Original poster
reflecting2023 · 29/12/2023 00:22

INeedCharcoalPants · 28/12/2023 18:33

Is he like this all year round OP? He sounds like a miserable sod and you deserve better

He is like this at times. I thought those' times' were over but it's not the case. I want a life partner who is with be nit against me when times are challenging!!

OP posts:
Original poster
reflecting2023 · 29/12/2023 00:24

ilovelamp82 · 28/12/2023 18:46

I hope you manage to get out of this situation. Life is too short to be talked down to by people who claim that they love you. I wish for you that next Christmas you will be in a much better place looking back at this, thinking thank goodness I got away from that. Seriously, life is too short. Sound like you could drive yourself insane trying to explain to him that you feel unappreciated but the truth is, he doesn't care and won't change. If you can afford it, take some money and buy yourself some things that normally you wouldn't. Some Christmas presents to yourself. You deserve it.

Thank you. I might treat myself to a night out. I was so bitterly disappointed about Christmas Eve I really was. Next time I won't rely on him. And it is his 60th coming up I'm not going to put myself out now.

OP posts:
Deathraystare · 29/12/2023 08:19

@ilovelamp82
And it is his 60th coming up I'm not going to put myself out now.

No bloody well don't. Especially if he continues to treat you like shit. I would be tempted to record his rants on your phone and when he asks if 'we' are going out for his 60th, replay them and ask would you want to go out with that??!!

Seriously79 · 29/12/2023 09:18

New year, new start.

Give it to him, both barrels! Explain that you won't be tolerating him, or his attitude and things need to change.