Nasty behaviour, Spoilt Christmas what next?

[reflecting2023]

I've NC but if anyone would like to know my usual name pls msg me.
Very sad and sort of confused.

I did all the preparation for Christmas in the house and presents for me DH and three adult children and two GC and one child's partner. It took a while as I also work but spent the pre Xmas week of AL doing just that.
The Friday I cleaned and sorted and tidied ( we have too much stuff) and when H came home to a v clean house he was unhappy with a couple of open windows and some things I'd moved around ( his hat and plates from a dresser that was unstable and nearly fell on me) . Had a huge go at me, was also being incredibly domineering and over the top. We were going out for dinner and I think he would have cancelled as he often does but for the fact he doesn't cook and it was local but he was having a go at me the entire way there - watch the mud, don't run anyone over, park on the road etc etc. I told him not to bully and control me. thankfully once there the ambience was nice and I got chatting to others and the tension broke.
Christmas weekend lots going on - the adult children can be quite needy too - my eldest moody and tired, daughter can't help as two yr old super busy and she can be a bit rude , others ok.
I had thoughtful presents for everyone and though I don't really care that much about presents had a nice bath stuff from thoughtful youngest , unwrapped candle holder from Dd and eldest son didn't give anything until Boxing Day as he was so tired. DH had a few little bits but not much for me and said a brief oh ok for my presents.
All weekend he put me down , treated me basically like cr*p and a servant, deliberately not responding if I asked something, or gas lighting about things, blaming me for anything slightly going wrong or just being plain mean. No real reason for any of this except he can't cope with stress or Xmas and gets angry if things aren't just so. I appear to be his fall guy. We were supposed to go out Xmas Eve but he decided not to as it was raining and I just ended up prepping all the veg etc with youngest while H watched TV!
I feel so unappreciated and so despondent wrt his treatment of me and also feel the adult children could have made a lot more effort to be present and ask people how they were etc instead of just taking and being self centred.
Today H blamed me for something again which was untrue and I said he is bullying and controlling me which I found a shame as we had got on better lately and had been away together. His response was I don't get it and apparently my family never liked each other ( we did!) and don't know how to be like a close family like his! I said we are his family and he is an adult who should be supporting me when things need doing in the house not treating me as a servant and bullying me to stay in control.
I'm feeling low and need some space but any comments welcome. Obviously hard without posting everything which would be way too much. TIA

He is being callous and deliberately cruel. I would book four nights away with a friend and not tell him. Just disappear and have a break. Talk to a good solicitor. Consider where and how you would like your future to be/look like.

Your dhs behaviour probably really upsets your children, but they can’t say anything to you. Make the last chapter count op. We only have one life.

I've think you've already answered your question about what next, OP. Just start to make plans to leave. He'll be totally gobsmacked when yu take back control and probably won't believe you until it actually happens, at which point he'll turn very nasty So prepare, prepare, prepare. Lots of thread on MN to give you tips on how to get ready.

Your ungrateful two eldest kids need a kick up the arse too. One with an unwrapped gift and one with nothing on Xmas day is unbelievable. Eldest moody and rude and son 'too tired' to even buy their mum a little gift?! You are right they've taken the lead from husband's treatment of you and don't value you. Time for that to stop. Once you & the bullying, cruel, mean, unpleasant Soon to be Ex Husband are separated, I'd be telling them that you are not doing Christmas next year and to make their own plans. And I'd be clear why. Then book a holiday for over Christmas and go away somewhere.

Good luck OP, you seem so sad and beaten down but dig deep, the only way is up from now on.

OP, I read that the divorce rate is soaring in the 60+ age group and always initiated by the women. I think you have some changes coming along, and I hope they help you establish yourself in a life that feels supportive and respectful for you.

Read your post again,but pretend one of your friends wrote it. What would be your advice to her?

Do that.

Yes he is their father.
I will say to him he has to apologise and not bully me ever again , or we separate this year? Problem can be how long do you wait before the next time - it could be next Christmas but that's almost worse as it's unpredictable and another Christmas spoilt. But although I told him that on Thursday, he just got nasty.

I think you just explain you are finished with the relationship and we can work out amicably or not amicably how to separate. Can you see a lawyer or the bank to understand if you can buy him out of the house?

Why are you still offering him chances? He has told you very clearly what he thinks about you, thats not going to change. Why would you hang on for another christmas of abuse with a full 12 months of it in between? Genuine question. I would not warn him of separating, just do the financials and take it from there. Men like him weaponise warnings.

Yes Asking for an apology has not worked before just makes him angry and dismissive. Feeling a bit anxious this am. Not sure how much to engage with him.

Ok well I guess my options are separation or divorce straightaway.

Don't ask him for anything. Examine the financials and don't tell him. Consult a solicitor. You dont have to action anything, just explore it.

Yes this is an option but if lines are crossed and it hurts and damages me and makes me so unhappy, but he doesn't apologise or even think he's said anything bad, how much longer do I carry on or resolve the feelings without it bringing me down.

just for this now
I will seek legal advice at the end of this week when I have a day off. Financially I'll have a problem with a poor pension though I'm happy to continue working for as long as I can. This Jan / Feb I intend to de clutter the house as much as possible so hopefully that will help simplify matters as the house is very full. He won't really let me get rid or even move his things so I guess reorganising with a view to moving out is now my aim, whereas at present I gave some renovations and work planned in the house as I wanted to organise things for the next decade or so ( kitchen / bathroom / electric/ central heating/ windows / decorating etc)
So act normal? Keep secret about separating later this year is that possible or just tell him after speaking to the family lawyer ??

When my dm was feeling undervalued and sick of my df’s sullen and slightly controlling behaviour (not as bad as your dh’s), at a similar point in life, she buggered off to South Africa on a two week safari. Just planned and did it, without telling anyone until the day she left.

It was a jolt to my df, and to us ungrateful kids, and gave us all the kick up the bum we needed to appreciate her. It was a warning to my df that she had agency, and was unafraid to put herself first if things didn’t change.

It did the trick and marked a turning point in their marriage. I have no doubt though, that she was close to leaving at that moment.

It may be though that you’re done with things, and it’s time to walk away, as everyone else is suggesting!

So he is quite ok with the kids and they don't see anything wrong except we ' bicker' and he is annoying sometimes. He has been more settled in the autumn and we did more together, which makes it worse that he declared an all out offensive on the Friday before Christmas from wen he's just made lots of nasty and snide comments, aimed at me - normal with the adult children - and refused to acknowledge

But that unpredictability and pig headed ness makes it difficult.
I told him on Thursday he was bullying me so he knows what I think. He hasn't reflected and come to say sorry.

My DM divorced my Dad in her 50s under similar circumstances, 7yrs later she has never been happier. Life is too short to live miserably. 💔

This type of man gets worse with age, in my experience. Do you want the rest of your life to be like this? He sounds vicious and screwed up.

Take control. Get a solicitor. End this misery. You sound like a really lovely person and deserve better than this.

It sounds like you’re in an abusive relationship. This image will help you consider if you are. Abusive men rarely change and if they do it’s only because they acknowledge they’re abusive, and take responsibility for changing their behaviour by attending perpetrator groups or therapy. Your husband doesn’t sound like he’s anywhere near recognising the abuse or taking responsibility. I therefore think unless you’re prepared to live the rest of your life like this you should seriously consider getting out. You should seek legal guidance and tell the solicitor that abuse is a feature of your relationship.

Poor you OP.

He won’t change. Do you want to be stuck with him day in day out when you both retire?

What @OutYerEd said.

Read all your posts again. What a miserable marriage.

This is no way to live. He is a vindictive bully. He does not love you and he deliberately hurts you and puts you down. You don't love him either and all the time life is passing you by. One day you'll wake up and you'll be old and regret staying but by then it'll be too late.

Be brave. Better to be alone than walking on eggshells while you wait for his next major blowup.

Make sure his pension is included in the divorce settlement.

This is one of those posts where you want to find the DH and punch him right in the face for being such a nasty piece of work. It's like a dripping tap, layering on the bad treatment.

I sincerely hope you find peace this year.
You worried about the lack of pension but to be honest I'd be more worried about growing old with a bully.

OP, it may be worth speaking to a couple of solicitors. By all means start with your family solicitor, but look at one with a good reputation in divorce cases as well.

Also, BEFORE you speak to your husband, audit all finances. Get copies of all financial documents, track down personal and joint assets (savings, investments etc). Obviously we don’t know your husband, but from what you’ve said, I doubt he’ll play fairly when told that you wish to separate.

I wouldn’t let him know what you’re planning until you’ve had time to see a solicitor and gather documents and information on his assets.
You should be eligible for a split of his pension and that could be worth as much or more than your house so keep your options open.
I find my own smaller house a haven after divorce.

I agree with @LadyRoughDiamond .

When you mentioned family solicitor I assumed you meant a divorce lawyer, which is what you need.

Very important to get documentation of all financial assets, including pensions. Inform yourself: Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, etc. Family lawyer websites have a lot of useful information (but check jurisdiction).

But keep this under your hat. Once he gets wind of your intentions, he'll go into damage limitation mode. Don't be fooled - he will be worried that his chief appliance is at risk of breaking down, so he'll try to make you stay by promising that he'll change. But of course he won't.

Don't bother.

Get your ducks in a row.
See a solicitor
Serve divorce papers

Happy New Year!