Nasty behaviour, Spoilt Christmas what next?

[reflecting2023]

I've NC but if anyone would like to know my usual name pls msg me.
Very sad and sort of confused.

I did all the preparation for Christmas in the house and presents for me DH and three adult children and two GC and one child's partner. It took a while as I also work but spent the pre Xmas week of AL doing just that.
The Friday I cleaned and sorted and tidied ( we have too much stuff) and when H came home to a v clean house he was unhappy with a couple of open windows and some things I'd moved around ( his hat and plates from a dresser that was unstable and nearly fell on me) . Had a huge go at me, was also being incredibly domineering and over the top. We were going out for dinner and I think he would have cancelled as he often does but for the fact he doesn't cook and it was local but he was having a go at me the entire way there - watch the mud, don't run anyone over, park on the road etc etc. I told him not to bully and control me. thankfully once there the ambience was nice and I got chatting to others and the tension broke.
Christmas weekend lots going on - the adult children can be quite needy too - my eldest moody and tired, daughter can't help as two yr old super busy and she can be a bit rude , others ok.
I had thoughtful presents for everyone and though I don't really care that much about presents had a nice bath stuff from thoughtful youngest , unwrapped candle holder from Dd and eldest son didn't give anything until Boxing Day as he was so tired. DH had a few little bits but not much for me and said a brief oh ok for my presents.
All weekend he put me down , treated me basically like cr*p and a servant, deliberately not responding if I asked something, or gas lighting about things, blaming me for anything slightly going wrong or just being plain mean. No real reason for any of this except he can't cope with stress or Xmas and gets angry if things aren't just so. I appear to be his fall guy. We were supposed to go out Xmas Eve but he decided not to as it was raining and I just ended up prepping all the veg etc with youngest while H watched TV!
I feel so unappreciated and so despondent wrt his treatment of me and also feel the adult children could have made a lot more effort to be present and ask people how they were etc instead of just taking and being self centred.
Today H blamed me for something again which was untrue and I said he is bullying and controlling me which I found a shame as we had got on better lately and had been away together. His response was I don't get it and apparently my family never liked each other ( we did!) and don't know how to be like a close family like his! I said we are his family and he is an adult who should be supporting me when things need doing in the house not treating me as a servant and bullying me to stay in control.
I'm feeling low and need some space but any comments welcome. Obviously hard without posting everything which would be way too much. TIA

Well I'm feeling a bit angry myself now as I was just cooking a curry when he came home. Telling me all about his trip to town and showing me pictures of antiques I lost track of an ingredient wrapper to check the date. He just kept talking and following me round with pictures on his I pad as I'm trying to cook/ wash up . I didn't mind at first but then asked for five minutes. Next thing it was freezing heard him close the back door realised it had been open for ages. I asked why was the back door open thinking he'd forgotten maybe or maybe some other reason and he said ' because it stinks! So we then had a row as I told him it's so rude just say it's strong or son not stinks ffs

Keep a diary of these incidents, if you are still wavering...

I'm just being really intolerant today / now as we are on our own family gone ( first day) and he hasn't apologised. He is just really getting on my nerves. I give up.

Why should you be tolerant when he doesn’t extend the same grace to you? He is irritable, judgmental, self centered and demanding. In order to create space for yourself when he fills the house with his ego/stuff/demands/opinions You have to react back in an equal and opposite fashion. But that isn’t how you want to live: giving back irritability for irritability, insult for insult, rudeness for rudeness. You want a normal, loving relationship. “Oh darling curry? How lovely!”

You will never get that from this self centered twat.

@reflecting2023

I feel the truth is somewhere in between. I need an apology as an adult to move forwards, a recognition that lack of respect is unacceptable to me. That's why I said I would give him another chance to apologise.

The thing is, an apology is for PAST behaviour. It says nothing about future behaviour. He can 'apologize' until he's blue in the face but since he keeps repeating the same abusive behaviour, his 'apologies' mean less than nothing. In fact, if it were me I'd consider them almost insulting, as if he thinks I'm stupid enough to think he's really sorry. Because he isn't.

The fact of the matter is that he does not respect you and that he feels his behaviour is perfectly fine as long as he 'apologizes' afterwards. After all, all he needs to do is offer an insincere 'Sorry about that' and it all becomes water under the bridge. In his mind, when you accept his 'apology' you are saying "Ok, then. Never mind, it's OK you did that cuz you said sorry".

Except it isn't. Each and every occurrence stays in your heart and in your psyche. Each and every occurrence tears down your confidence and your self esteem. Because in your heart you know that he is not truly sorry for what he did or said. Because if he was, he wouldn't do or say them. He says sorry because it's part of keeping you in your box. It's a sop to your 'hurt feelings'. But the hurt runs much deeper than just your 'feelings', doesn't it?

If you think I'm blowing smoke up your skirt, I'm not. I lived with that during my first marriage. I know the feeling of "I must get him to apologize so we can get past this". But even wanting that apology is based on the fear of continued tension and 'bad feeling' you live under when they're 'displeased' with you. You want them to stop being angry and upset with you for being angry and upset with them. Thing is, only one of you has the right to feel angry and upset, and it isn't him. Yet you will 'do what needs to be done' in order to appease him; a half assed insincere apology, followed by a relieved acceptance.

I'm glad you're going to see a counselor. Please be 1000% honest with them. Lay all the ugliness and hurt bare, hold back nothing. Don't offer reasons or excuses for either his or your behaviour. It's a counselor's job to help you come to the real reasons and do away with excuses.

And ignore @katiekay85 's advice. This has not 'gone a bit too far too soon'. His behaviour been going on for decades. You've simply reached the end of your rope with it.

@AcrossthePond55 GREAT POST!

Thankyou for thoughtful and supportive posts. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and took a little time to reflect . Christmas was disappointing and depressing but conflict and arguing is more confusing and destabilising. It's easier for me to carry on as normal with no conflict but the problem is now that we are now in our own for the first time since Xmas. He knows I felt unappreciated but probably thinks that is passed.

Better help have e mailed as I registered but didn't sign up- offered discount to £45 pw instead of £60 pw

OP, you know you're unhappy. That's why your feeling irritated. You're seeing the situation with new eyes and it's difficult to unsee once you're wide awake.

You're doing all the right things.

Get legal advice, find out where you stand. Then make a plan.

Keep going Shirley. You're doing great.

You not only felt unappreciated, OP, you were unappreciated. There is an unsubtle difference. The first one is a problem of mood and expectation. No one can change that for you. The second is an action undertaken by your dh and children. They did and do not appreciate your efforts, or even seem to enjoy your company. They certainly treated you like the hired help over the holidays. And you don’t like it! They did not appreciate you! Thats something they do, and you have to figure out how to handle it.

By the way your dh knows perfectly well he treated you shabbily. The holiday, gift giving, good will, etc…are not foreign concepts which take him by surprise. He is just waiting you out.

@reflecting2023

But your 'normal' is NOT normal and it's certainly not healthy. 'Normal' in a healthy relationship is mutual respect and considerate treatment of your partner/spouse in all things, especially during disagreements. But you don't have that, do you? You have fear, placating, and avoidance. He has bullying, riding roughshod, and ignoring. Why would you want to continue to live this way?

Your decision of course. Just understand the consequences. That he will never change and you will continue to suffer for it.

I just want to say I'm reading the replies today and will respond. Since yesterday I'm feeling a bit down and have been on my phone too much. I know this comes from the uncertainty and indecision and lack of support. And guilt. I don't want to go back to the previous way I was feeling so am trying to distract myself and fervour the house. Feel quite tearful. Please continue posting.

Dear @reflecting2023 make today the first day of the rest of your life. Whether you join a gym and start weight lifting, become s birdwatcher, start a book group, book yourself a tour in France or anything else START FRESH. Resolve to stop doing for others and start being for yourself. Don’t clean snd organize for him. Go on strike. If money is an issue:start charging him for services rendered. Get out of the house at least twice a week.

Don’t keep your opinions to yourself. Pursue the divorce if that appeals to you.

Being tearful and down is a kind of trauma response—it is a subconscious way if trying to appeal to your bully for better treatment or care. You won’t get either from your dh. Submission , tears, lying in bed, sighing, will all enrage him and make him act out contempt for you.

Put down the phone and go for a brisk walk. Throw shit out. Plan a solo trip somewhere. Act!

It's hard to reconcile our reconciliation in the autumn with the pre Xmas outburst. And disappointing when challenged, with further insults.
Yes I feel it's my job to look after him to some degree. Probably due to his previous illness. But I've given time for that recovery. I've asked for apology. If he can't talk honestly to me it's not my fault.
Would it be mad if I lived in the flat we own in the grounds??

I'm treating myself to lunch out. But am fighting back tears. Feel a little better. Found it easier at first when I was angry and sure and all thread said same. Feel guilty as though he is a bully / not appreciating me at the same time I'm the one doing everything and of course it's been 35 years.

So I'm many ways I'm the real one in charge/ the boss.

Maybe you just need some time to clarify all your confusing thoughts. Perhaps a few months in the flat you spoke of would be ideal.
I don't know how you can reconcile with someone who said that about your DM. That's lowest of the low, without any reason or apology or anything.
People who care for each other don't say things like that even in a rage.

I really think you at least need some independent advice from a solicitor about where you would stand with regard to a divorce. Life is so short to put up with being married to someone who makes you cry and belittles and abuses you. You deserve so much better.

I'd be sorry to leave my home, but I have been sorting the flat and its user friendly
I don't really want to plot behind his back but just need to sort belongings etc at least mentally in case he kicks off and throws all my stuff out or something!!!

I would just have to sort the boundaries. When I think of of it I feel 'free' and happy. It would be cheaper to run and I am still working so am financially independent though would obviously be a lot worse off especially on retirement- but I don't want to retire am happy to work until I drop.

I don't really want to plot behind his back

Looking after your own best interests is not equivalent to plotting behind his back. You need to sort out your current life and prepare for your new life.

I bet he wouldn't even think to consider you if the shoe was on his foot. When has he ever shown you any care or consideration?

Anger is the fight part coming out to protect you. Tears are the submit/attach part mourning amnd pleading for better treatment. Those 35 years are a sunk cost. Like you paid the mortgage on someone elses’s property. It cost what it cost but you don’t get the benefit, in the end.

Also don’t kid yourself—you were “in charge” of the things that were too much work for him, or that he was too important to do. That will to be needed and to caretake is codependency, not true power.

Yes: move out. Start making demands. Get your dander up.

@reflecting2023

It's hard to reconcile our reconciliation in the autumn with the pre Xmas outburst.

Because he wanted the reconciliation so he lied and was on his 'best behaviour'. By Xmas he either figured you were back in your box or he simply couldn't 'hold the pose' any longer. At any rate, who you're seeing now is who he really is (and always has been). Remember "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". Well, you're well past the first time, but it's not too late to believe who he really is.

Probably due to his previous illness. But I've given time for that recovery.

I apologize, I don't remember what his illness was & I'm too lazy to read back. But my husband had cancer. Of course I cared for him during his treatment and recovery. But I still wouldn't have put up with shit behaviour, during or afterward. Luckily, I didn't have to. We worked together as a team to keep each other emotionally healthy during his ordeal. Sure, we had our 'moments' but they were few, far between, and not verbally abusive.

You mention moving to a flat on your property. I'm not being snarky here, I'm asking sincerely: what would you expect that to accomplish in practical terms. I mean, if it were a simple 'We're no longer compatible or love each other" situation with no abuse involved I expect it could be a perfect answer. But there IS abuse involved and I'm not sure he'd be content to 'leave you alone' or provide for you financially if you effectively separated by moving into the flat. He'd still expect you to provide all the 'domestic services' you provide now. The only difference would be that you would be 'going home' afterwards. With a divorce and a financial settlement you could tell him to fuck off. Living 'on property' still married and financially tied to him, not so much.

I'll be blunt. You keep making excuses for him, and for yourself for staying. If you want to stay, stay. You don't have to justify it to anyone but yourself. But if you want to leave, stop giving yourself reasons to stay and stop giving him excuses for being the way he is. I understand you're scared shitless. But the way to stop being scared is to face up to reality.

I'm not scared I feel responsible for himI think. Also the repercussions for youngest. Otherwise I'm up for it. I'm confused because I want to tell him as an ultimatum but that seems to be the wrong thing to do- and I can see that as if he kicks off dealing with house/ flat / belongings more tricky.
Wrt the flat I meant with divorce. Separate building only drawback is it's near.