Nasty behaviour, Spoilt Christmas what next?

[reflecting2023]

I've NC but if anyone would like to know my usual name pls msg me.
Very sad and sort of confused.

I did all the preparation for Christmas in the house and presents for me DH and three adult children and two GC and one child's partner. It took a while as I also work but spent the pre Xmas week of AL doing just that.
The Friday I cleaned and sorted and tidied ( we have too much stuff) and when H came home to a v clean house he was unhappy with a couple of open windows and some things I'd moved around ( his hat and plates from a dresser that was unstable and nearly fell on me) . Had a huge go at me, was also being incredibly domineering and over the top. We were going out for dinner and I think he would have cancelled as he often does but for the fact he doesn't cook and it was local but he was having a go at me the entire way there - watch the mud, don't run anyone over, park on the road etc etc. I told him not to bully and control me. thankfully once there the ambience was nice and I got chatting to others and the tension broke.
Christmas weekend lots going on - the adult children can be quite needy too - my eldest moody and tired, daughter can't help as two yr old super busy and she can be a bit rude , others ok.
I had thoughtful presents for everyone and though I don't really care that much about presents had a nice bath stuff from thoughtful youngest , unwrapped candle holder from Dd and eldest son didn't give anything until Boxing Day as he was so tired. DH had a few little bits but not much for me and said a brief oh ok for my presents.
All weekend he put me down , treated me basically like cr*p and a servant, deliberately not responding if I asked something, or gas lighting about things, blaming me for anything slightly going wrong or just being plain mean. No real reason for any of this except he can't cope with stress or Xmas and gets angry if things aren't just so. I appear to be his fall guy. We were supposed to go out Xmas Eve but he decided not to as it was raining and I just ended up prepping all the veg etc with youngest while H watched TV!
I feel so unappreciated and so despondent wrt his treatment of me and also feel the adult children could have made a lot more effort to be present and ask people how they were etc instead of just taking and being self centred.
Today H blamed me for something again which was untrue and I said he is bullying and controlling me which I found a shame as we had got on better lately and had been away together. His response was I don't get it and apparently my family never liked each other ( we did!) and don't know how to be like a close family like his! I said we are his family and he is an adult who should be supporting me when things need doing in the house not treating me as a servant and bullying me to stay in control.
I'm feeling low and need some space but any comments welcome. Obviously hard without posting everything which would be way too much. TIA

Sorry how do you edit?

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You can’t really crowd source the decision about what to do though Im sure we all support you if we can. The issue is one that needs a solicitor’s advice because it comes down to rights you have or don’t have vis a vis joint property in the marriage or the division of assets in a divorce. This is not a matter for opinion but simply a matter of fact and law.

If you can support yourself and your youngest you can separate in the house and /or take the flat, move whatever you need in and whatever you don’t need out, and dare him to bother you. If the utilities are separate he will probably try to cut them off or overcharge you but depending on how tough you are there are ways around that.

Or you can just down tools in the house, move to a separate bedroom, and start saving money to get out while hiring a solicitor.

But you do have rights. You have to fight for them to activate them. Yes: your children will be used by him to hurt you. That is sll the more reason to leave. You can best protect your youngest by giving them a healthy home to return to rather than squatting in this hostile environment.

I deal with all the paperwork apart from one or two things. I'm already in separate room.
The main block I have is feeling responsible that's my weakness in this scenario.

you feel responsible? Because he had a TBI? Do you believe that he isn’t capable of managing his own affairs? You could still divorce him and tell him to pay you a secretary salary to manage the paperwork.

Rome wasn’t built in a day—though bits of it burned down in one. You really need to sit with the problem of your massive, wounded, savior complex which leads you to believe that this man “needs” you, snd only you, to manage. Maybe he does and maybe he doesn’t but you will never live life free, clear, and respected unless you down tools and walk away.

That's a bit harsh 😔

Also once divorced I wouldn't be doing anything for him wrt paperwork etc. the flat is separate
I'm trying to work out the best way to proceed.

@reflecting2023 - You are so used to prioritising his feelings and placating him - its difficult to just turned that off....
Don't pressure yourself - you will get there - you have taken the first step admitting that you need to leave - you will have a straw that broke the camels back moment when you are done...... the video below helped me immensely - please watch
s

You don't need to feel responsible for him. He certainly doesn't seem to feel any responsibility towards you, other than perhaps grudgingly providing food and shelter.

How would the flat work after a divorce? With property ownership the marital home is either sold outright & the proceeds divided or one party buys the other out. Are you assuming that he'll buy you out of your interest in the marital home and then rent to you or let you live rent free in the flat on what will then be his sole property? Why would he want to do that other than to continue his abusive ways and his expectation that you're still there to serve him? He'd really have you under his thumb then. Would you really want him as your landlord, with the right to enter 'your home' whenever he could come up with a good reason? Able to watch your comings and goings? Think very carefully about that. Sure, moving to the flat may appear to be the 'easiest' option, but sometimes what's easiest turns out to be the hardest.

As far as an ultimatum goes, NEVER give an ultimatum until and unless you are absolutely ready to carry it out. Do you really think that right now that you are in that place? If you say "Shape up Buster" and he says "No" will you really pack a bag and leave? Because if you don't carry through they will know good and well that you are all bark and no bite and they will carry on with their abuse. Again, I speak from experience.

I'm sorry if you think I come down hard on you. I just want you to see that you deserve so much better, but you're going to have to make hard decisions and take painful actions to get there.

If you haven't seen a solicitor now is the time. You have a lot of ideas in your head about how things might work. You need the facts, and a solicitor will give them to you. Once you have them you'll be in a place to make concrete decisions rather than the current 'maybes'.

The flat is completely separate so I would own it and yes he would have to buy me out to stay here. I think it would be ok, not my home but I've been doing it out so it's going to be sorted out and also cheaper to run.
On my day off I'll find a different solicitor. I felt incredibly down over the weekend and though I'm tired I think it was just the disappointment caught up with me and suddenly nothing to look forward to ( I love Christmas )

Was crying yesterday out of some sort of desperate disappointment / let down I think over the pre Xmas behaviour. I know it's now Jan 8th but it caught up with me.

I feel really annoyed on your behalf! I would love to give your husband a big kick up the arse in the manner of Father Ted and Bishop Brennan. Perhaps you can wait until he has dropped something and take a run up!

Honestly, his behaviour is wholly unacceptable. I would be telling him that either he cooks next year, pays for you to eat out or that you go away and do something without him.

However, I would be telling him loud and clear at this point that one more criticism and no apology and you will be leaving. If needs be keep a list of what he has said. It sounds like he disrespects you so frequently that it has become habit and he might not even realise how much of a pillock he's become.

Also, don't waste your time decluttering. Just take the things that you want and leave him to deal with all the clutter. Spend your days off getting your hair done or something nice instead.

Mm I've spent nearly all my days off for the last few months tidying/ sorting etc. I think set a deadline now for stuff to get out and boxed in the attic

That's what's so depressing 🤣

I'm sending support and a massive virtual hug.
And flowers. You deserve lots of beautiful flowers.
I can only imagine how overwhelming some days must feel for you right now.
Hug.

How are you doing OP?

How are you getting on with Project Serenity? Have you had any good advice from a solicitor? Try not to worry too much about your youngest, they can come and stay with you wherever you are and probably be glad to be away from the toxic atmosphere created by your husband.
Even when your husband is being normal he doesn’t sound all that nice. Why would you want to spend your retirement years listening to someone telling you you’re doing all the chores wrong while not doing any himself!
As I said before, being on your own is rather nice, nothing to fear there. I hope you can find the resolution to carry on doing what is right for you.
Your future self will thank you.