Nasty behaviour, Spoilt Christmas what next?

[reflecting2023]

I've NC but if anyone would like to know my usual name pls msg me.
Very sad and sort of confused.

I did all the preparation for Christmas in the house and presents for me DH and three adult children and two GC and one child's partner. It took a while as I also work but spent the pre Xmas week of AL doing just that.
The Friday I cleaned and sorted and tidied ( we have too much stuff) and when H came home to a v clean house he was unhappy with a couple of open windows and some things I'd moved around ( his hat and plates from a dresser that was unstable and nearly fell on me) . Had a huge go at me, was also being incredibly domineering and over the top. We were going out for dinner and I think he would have cancelled as he often does but for the fact he doesn't cook and it was local but he was having a go at me the entire way there - watch the mud, don't run anyone over, park on the road etc etc. I told him not to bully and control me. thankfully once there the ambience was nice and I got chatting to others and the tension broke.
Christmas weekend lots going on - the adult children can be quite needy too - my eldest moody and tired, daughter can't help as two yr old super busy and she can be a bit rude , others ok.
I had thoughtful presents for everyone and though I don't really care that much about presents had a nice bath stuff from thoughtful youngest , unwrapped candle holder from Dd and eldest son didn't give anything until Boxing Day as he was so tired. DH had a few little bits but not much for me and said a brief oh ok for my presents.
All weekend he put me down , treated me basically like cr*p and a servant, deliberately not responding if I asked something, or gas lighting about things, blaming me for anything slightly going wrong or just being plain mean. No real reason for any of this except he can't cope with stress or Xmas and gets angry if things aren't just so. I appear to be his fall guy. We were supposed to go out Xmas Eve but he decided not to as it was raining and I just ended up prepping all the veg etc with youngest while H watched TV!
I feel so unappreciated and so despondent wrt his treatment of me and also feel the adult children could have made a lot more effort to be present and ask people how they were etc instead of just taking and being self centred.
Today H blamed me for something again which was untrue and I said he is bullying and controlling me which I found a shame as we had got on better lately and had been away together. His response was I don't get it and apparently my family never liked each other ( we did!) and don't know how to be like a close family like his! I said we are his family and he is an adult who should be supporting me when things need doing in the house not treating me as a servant and bullying me to stay in control.
I'm feeling low and need some space but any comments welcome. Obviously hard without posting everything which would be way too much. TIA

Definitely don't show him this thread. Don't bother asking for an apology. And don't bother doing anything about the house renovations. I imagine without you driving the project nothing will happen so just let it slide.

Head down and get yourself sorted. See a divorce lawyer as soon as you can and find out what you need to do/provide to start the proceedings from a position of power.

If he does want to push ahead with renovations just say you want to have a clear out first. That should slow him down and give you the opportunity to box up all the things you want to take with you.

I know it feels like you have a mountain to climb at the moment but I promise you, you will get through this and go on to lead a happy, peaceful and content life.

(You'll probably find out he's not quite so revered as you think by your friends too...)

So much great advice on this thread.

It should become part of the Mumsnet Classics!

I'm so incredibly grateful for the kindness and info shown on this thread.

I think one problem might be that parties have to agree settlement between themselves that could be tricky. But I can see that if I've had legal advice on it I'll be able to push for the correct settlement

Probably don’t top up your pension until after the divorce . Also try to get ahold of the insurance valuation for the so called antiques. It will be physically painful for him to let you take anything from the house and he will not like to trade money for control but half of everything acquired during the marriage is yours. So get your ducks in a row and be prepared to bargain. Get a shit hot divorce lawyer and fight tooth and nail.

I don't have personal experience, but AFAK any settlement between the parties has to be approved by the court, and they will not do so if one party is being seriously disadvantaged.

But competent legal advice will pay for itself. I'd never consider getting divorced without an experienced and committed solicitor who is prepared to fight for the best outcome.

He probably had a bad dogs day at work, but that is absolutely no excuse for his attitude stinks and he needs to sort his head out before you leave him.

It was quite a long day, but I'd excuse that if he hadn't continued days of nastiness over Xmas of all times. Or if he had apologised. I challenged him on it separately he said I'd made a mess everywhere as he wasn't here to sort everything out. That nothing happens here apart from if he does it. That is so untrue, unfair and just makes me feel so stupid!

OP, am I correct that you intend seeing family solicitor? I'd seek a good family law/divorce solicitor elsewhere. If as you say H is well thought of in your area, family solicitor will not address this with an open mind.

Wishing you all the best for a happier life ahead.

Sorry think I meant family law meaning divorce lawyer we don't have any sort of family solicitor

Well, it's simpler if you can come to an agreement. But if you can't, that is what court is for. A judge will make the decision for both of you. So don't cave into his demands simply because you believe you 'have' to come to an agreement. You don't. Of course, court adds costs to solicitor fees (if you don't want to self-rep) but it's money well spent.

You've tolerated this shit for far too long. You don't need to give any more 'chances' or 'try to make him understand' just one more time. Be done with all that. You have a happy and free life awaiting you, you just have to do the work, some of it hard, to get there. But you will get there.

If you end up taking a bit of a 'hit' in your lifestyle, so be it. Very few come out of a divorce with more than they went into it with. Besides, I'd rather eat beans in a bedsit in peace than dine on filet mignon in a mansion with a man like that.

Thanks Acrossthepond55
He's just got home.

Consider having one-time exploratory (telephone) consultations with some of the Rottweiler lawyers in your county. These will often be free, but it will mean that they cannot be engaged by your husband. Which could be to your advantage, since he is unlikely to be amicable or reasonable once he realises that you are serious about divorcing him.

Also nail down your cyber security, i.e. changing passwords and erasing search history, etc. If he is tech savvy he might try to put trackers on your devices.

Get your ducks in a row and get out.

I speak from experience.

I distinctly remember my last Xmas with ExH and knowing it would be my last with him - yet not knowing or having a plan of how I would go.

Fast forward a few years and I'm happier than I ever through it could be. I'm married to my best friend - my teenage crush actually who I ended up back in contact with post divorce.

I left my ex for my own sanity - to be happy and content on my own. Everything that came afterwards was the icing on the cake

Hands down the best decision I ever made was to put myself and my son first and walk away!
Plan and go - you'll not look back!!x

I've bend thinking about this for most of the day. He has come back and bought some special snacks, knows he's in trouble. Tonight the three of us me H & youngest are going for a drink. It's hard to know how to behave but I'll probably be fairly normal but low key but if any controversies arise stick to my guns.
I'm so glad I've had this thread to lift my mood and develop thoughts. I've started to make a bit of a plan at least for the legal advice and separation/ gathering up stuff/ de clutter. I'll take some days off in Feb to try to declutter as much as possible. I haven't got as much stuff re furniture/ ornaments as he has but have got some that were given as gifts( though he tends to think of those items as his! )

I hope you'll find the strength to leave him, OP. You deserve not to have to,live this way. Think ahead to this time next year. If you find the strength to act then things could be 100 times better for you. Remember that people here will be eager to support you

I have to stay strong in the face of him being nice now. I have to think of all the awful things he's said when I've tried to talk things through. That he doesn't care about being married anyway that it's dead in the water that I have a personality disorder ( I don't) that I don't clean or cook ( I do it all but everything is squashed down to nothing)

Being blamed for everything and can't enjoy special occasions. Cancelling at the last minute.

Keep posting Shirley, we will be your 'wall'. 😜

Thanks 🤩 don't want to slip back to normal ... don't want to lose the support x

Your H sounds appalling. I just read this on FB and thought of you - written by Anthony Hopkins

Let go of people who are not ready to love you.
This is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing.
Stop having difficult conversations with people who don't want to change.
Stop showing up for people who are not interested in your presence.
I know your instinct is to do everything possible to gain the appreciation of those around you, but it's an impulse that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health.
When you start fighting for a life with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to follow you to that place.
It doesn't mean you have to change who you are, it means you have to let go of people who aren't ready to be with you.
If you are excluded, insulted, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you are not doing yourself a favor by continuing to offer them your energy and your life.
Truth is you ain't for everybody and everybody ain't for you.
This is what makes it so special when you find people you have friendship with or mutual love.
You will know how precious it is because you have experienced what is not.
There are billions of people on this planet and many of them you will find at your level of interest and commitment.
Maybe if you stop showing up, they won't look for you.
Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship ends.
Maybe if you stop texting, your phone will stay dark for weeks.
That doesn't mean you ruined the relationship, it means the only thing sustaining it was the energy you only gave to keep it.
That's not love, that's attachment.
It's giving a chance to those who don't deserve it!
You deserve so much more.
The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, as both are limited.
The people and things you give your time and energy to, will define your existence.
When you realize this you start to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, activities or spaces that don't suit you and shouldn't be near you.
You will start to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else.
Make your life a safe haven, where only people "compatible" with you are allowed.
You are not responsible for saving anyone.
You are not responsible for convincing them to do better.
It's not your job to exist for people and give them your life!
You deserve real friendships, true commitments and a complete love with healthy and prosperous people.
Decision to distance yourself from toxic people, will give you the love, esteem, happiness and protection you deserve. ❣️✍️

I have to stay strong in the face of him being nice now.

That can be the tough one.

You know what though?

If he isn't nice to you 100% of the time then that's not enough imo.

@reflecting2023

One thing that helped me was to make a paper list of the worst of the many, many incidences of disrespect and hurtful behaviour. Then I folded it up small and kept it with me, in a pocket, in a handbag, in a sock, in my bra. Somewhere where I could either feel it or reach into my pocket or bag and feel it. It kept me grounded. Since you're still living together, just be sure it's well hidden.

Don't be surprised if he makes 'nice gestures', that's just more gaslighting and intended to make you doubt what you know to be true. The best thing you can do is 'act normal'. It's not always easy, but it's important. You don't want him to get even an inkling that you're contemplating divorce.

Keep calm and keep smiling (as much as you can). Keep lining up those ducks. We'll be here to back you up, listen to your venting, and give you a soft place to land.

@kittybiscuits an excellent post and so true, should, however, be attributed to Brianna Wiest

https://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2023/01/next-year-let-go-of-the-people-who-arent-ready-to-love-you/

Try to remember that abuse is a cycle and there is typically a honeymoon period where the abuser takes it too far, then pulls back to ensure they give you motivation to stay, but it never lasts.