Nasty behaviour, Spoilt Christmas what next?

[reflecting2023]

I've NC but if anyone would like to know my usual name pls msg me.
Very sad and sort of confused.

I did all the preparation for Christmas in the house and presents for me DH and three adult children and two GC and one child's partner. It took a while as I also work but spent the pre Xmas week of AL doing just that.
The Friday I cleaned and sorted and tidied ( we have too much stuff) and when H came home to a v clean house he was unhappy with a couple of open windows and some things I'd moved around ( his hat and plates from a dresser that was unstable and nearly fell on me) . Had a huge go at me, was also being incredibly domineering and over the top. We were going out for dinner and I think he would have cancelled as he often does but for the fact he doesn't cook and it was local but he was having a go at me the entire way there - watch the mud, don't run anyone over, park on the road etc etc. I told him not to bully and control me. thankfully once there the ambience was nice and I got chatting to others and the tension broke.
Christmas weekend lots going on - the adult children can be quite needy too - my eldest moody and tired, daughter can't help as two yr old super busy and she can be a bit rude , others ok.
I had thoughtful presents for everyone and though I don't really care that much about presents had a nice bath stuff from thoughtful youngest , unwrapped candle holder from Dd and eldest son didn't give anything until Boxing Day as he was so tired. DH had a few little bits but not much for me and said a brief oh ok for my presents.
All weekend he put me down , treated me basically like cr*p and a servant, deliberately not responding if I asked something, or gas lighting about things, blaming me for anything slightly going wrong or just being plain mean. No real reason for any of this except he can't cope with stress or Xmas and gets angry if things aren't just so. I appear to be his fall guy. We were supposed to go out Xmas Eve but he decided not to as it was raining and I just ended up prepping all the veg etc with youngest while H watched TV!
I feel so unappreciated and so despondent wrt his treatment of me and also feel the adult children could have made a lot more effort to be present and ask people how they were etc instead of just taking and being self centred.
Today H blamed me for something again which was untrue and I said he is bullying and controlling me which I found a shame as we had got on better lately and had been away together. His response was I don't get it and apparently my family never liked each other ( we did!) and don't know how to be like a close family like his! I said we are his family and he is an adult who should be supporting me when things need doing in the house not treating me as a servant and bullying me to stay in control.
I'm feeling low and need some space but any comments welcome. Obviously hard without posting everything which would be way too much. TIA

And ypu have divorced him yet...why, exactly?

Sounds like you have made every effort to be the up beat one making Christmas for everyone and no one else could really be bothered.
Now that can be excused in some ways with ND traits or depression etc but it needs to be communicated and shared so that you don't feel it's all on you to lift the mood.
Also adult children can get used to being waited on and just revert to lazy thoughtless behaviour.
You only get one life and it's on you now to create what you deserve and maybe it is time to seperate. Shake them all up and do your own thing next year, or ask one of the kids to host.
I don't believe we should live our lives in misery out of duty when actually apart from the old love and memories what does you DH bring now? Is he even happy?
I hope you have a better year getting out of this unhappy situation.

I get that. But as my BFF, who as in an abusive marriage, said when she walked away from her home and most of her possessions; "A house is just bricks and sticks and stuff is just stuff. It's not worth ruining my life over. I'll find another home and I can always get more stuff".

She took a hit in her lifestyle for quite a few years but was so much happier and at peace within herself. She did find her new home and she never allowed her exH to cross the threshold. He had to wait on the porch for her to bring their DC out to him. She said she wanted no memories of him in her 'space'. At one point she said that was one of the reason that home held so many bad memories of his nasty words and vile behaviour.

Make 2024 the year in which you divorce this nasty piece of work. You deserve better than to be treated like this by an emotionally abusive controlling bully.

I've just been out for some fresh air and a walk. Will respond to each comment many thanks but also just remembered a couple of things he also said yesterday in the ' row'.
On Christmas Eve I thought I'd go to the midnight mass - the others to the pub then I'd pop in after too. None of that happened obviously and in the end I didn't even go to the mass due to the uncertainty of plans, the heavy rain and ongoing food prep and no one to walk down with. Yesterday he said ' you didn't even go to church, call yourself a Christian!'
He also said ' you didn't care about your mother when she was ill and dying but I'm not like that I care about my family'. The context to this is when my older children were little/ toddlers I couldn't visit my mum who was about six hours away as H would neither drive together or look after them to go. I moved from my area to his area so haven't seen much of my family over the years.
Though I take responsibility for my own actions, I never had one single gap in childcare that allowed me to do anything as he would never cooperate with anything and I thought that both of these comments were quite cruel and not in context.

Yep LTB

You don’t have to take any more of his shit behaviour.
Do nothing for him, speak to a solicitor asap. Your freedom awaits.

He sounds utterly vile. Those comments are cruel and disgusting. I think you need to get some advice from a solicitor on initiating divorce proceedings. There is no way I would stay married to a cruel foul mouthed abusive bully. You deserve better.

Thank you. I think they follow his lead and I think he's never really ' patented' them and I have been put down so everything I said / say is minimised. They seem entitled and I worry they see his example of crossing boundaries taking advantage and copy.

That's the older two, the youngest is more thoughtful.

Thank you , yes it makes me so unhappy especially as it's after a period of getting on.

He is a bully. In his work he is thought of as being caring, and he can be caring for eg with our daughter and GD but that doesn't mean he's not a bully to me , just makes it harder to come to terms with and to think I'm right despite what a lot of other people think of him,

Gosh, the more you write the more I think he sounds just awful. His inability to look after his own children when your mum was dying or support you visiting is incredibly sad. Please don’t get caught in the sunken costs fallacy, where you think that because you’ve been together so many years you have to stick it out and fix it, you absolutely don’t. Even if your pension/financial situation does take a hit, I think it would be worth it for some peace of mind.

Please boot the miserable git into orbit. You would be so much happier without him hanging around like a bad smell, trying to bring you down to his level of unhappiness at how his life turned out.

You are watering a dead tree, OP. The more you have catered for him, and your children, the more they have contempt for you and take you for granted.

Im 63 so I understand how difficult it is to make changes but you have 20-30 years ahead of you. Why waste a minute?

OP it doesn't matter what other people think of him, or what they may think of you for leaving, it matters how he treats you.

Life is too short to waste being miserable and too long to stay with someone who treats you so badly.

And consider why your DC’s treat you as they have….

they see him…

Before next year, sit your DC’s down and tell them how they make you feel

Next year, whether you are with him or not, plan what you want from your DC’s, their role, their accountability for Christmas.

Be clear, stand up for what you want and need

I think you should tell him you can't live with him if this behaviour continues. He sounds nasty.

Just remembered he also said
' you're miserable leave me alone take your miserableness somewhere else I don't want to hear it, go and bug 'youngest' for a bit.

OP I'm so sorry you had an awful Christmas.

What strikes me is how your H deflects the fact he contributes absolutely nothing to the planning and execution of the day and its preparation is by denigrating your efforts.

It's a deliberate strategy to keep the focus away from what you contribute rather than what he doesn't.

In turn your elder children are picking up on his behaviour. Their behaviour was awful as well. Having a young child doesn't stop you from helping out on Christmas Day (especially when you are with your partner) and your eldest not bothering to give you your gift until the next day....I'd have told them where to stuff it.

The good news is maybe this is the catalyst you need to make some changes.

You have the chance to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life or if you deserve better (clue: you do).

In your situation I'd start getting my act together. Get all important documentation in a safe place - especially financial records (including his salary/pension etc if you can).

The find a solicitor you feel comfortable with and understand what you'd be entitled to and from there start to plan "operation better life".

I understand it would be sad to leave a house you've worked had to renovate but it's not a home is it? A home is where you feel safe and comfortable. A place to make happy memories. That's not true of where you live now.

Leaving your H aside from the fact he sounds bloody awful also has the benefit of sending a rocket up the backsides of your eldest children. You won't put up with being treated like this by him or them and in your new HOME they won't get the back up from their father to treat you like crap.

Good luck

The funny thing with people like your H is that they never realise the moment when they've gone too far or said something that actually resonates - but not in the way they intend.

Yes he meant moaning, but I was unhappy. He was trying to hurt me by implying my company would be unwanted to youngest too! Trying everything to get the upper hand and avoid an apology. Either that or he really does have a low opinion of me. I said 'you are an adult, everything in the house is your responsibility not just mine' he said ' ' I do everything , nothing happens without me '

It sounds like everything happens inspite of him, not because of him.

He's gaslighting you.

He is vile. Shockingly vile.
Make a list of pros and cons then divorce him.
Gets your documents in order. Seek legal advice.
Make a list of fun stuff to do in the meanTime to stop him dragging you down. E.g. nails done once a week, buy yourself flowers, pub outings with friends, plant bulbs and think each time you see them "he'll be gone by the time you flower", don't invite him to any of it he has shown his true colours and is not worth any more of your time.
It is hard to make changes but you have one life, go and live it. Write a list of things you will do once you are divorced eg travel, start new hobbies. Empower yourself. Live like a man-put yourself first.

And stop cooking and cleaning for him.

I am so sorry you have had such an awful Christmas. 💐my mum did everything you did this year for us growing up. A key difference-my dad thanked her, did all of the washing up/cleaning etc, respected and loved her in front of us. As adults, we now wouldn't dream of letting our mum do everything without helping/thanking her/paying for it/ taking her out separately as a thank you.

Your children deserve a better example of a relationship, you divorcing him enables them to seek out better life partners themselves who respect and love them in actions and words EVERY day, not just when it is expedient for them.

He vowed to cherish and love you, he is breaking these vows every day. I'm so sorry he is such a