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Original poster

Nasty behaviour, Spoilt Christmas what next?

243 replies

reflecting2023 · 28/12/2023 18:05

I've NC but if anyone would like to know my usual name pls msg me.
Very sad and sort of confused.

I did all the preparation for Christmas in the house and presents for me DH and three adult children and two GC and one child's partner. It took a while as I also work but spent the pre Xmas week of AL doing just that.
The Friday I cleaned and sorted and tidied ( we have too much stuff) and when H came home to a v clean house he was unhappy with a couple of open windows and some things I'd moved around ( his hat and plates from a dresser that was unstable and nearly fell on me) . Had a huge go at me, was also being incredibly domineering and over the top. We were going out for dinner and I think he would have cancelled as he often does but for the fact he doesn't cook and it was local but he was having a go at me the entire way there - watch the mud, don't run anyone over, park on the road etc etc. I told him not to bully and control me. thankfully once there the ambience was nice and I got chatting to others and the tension broke.
Christmas weekend lots going on - the adult children can be quite needy too - my eldest moody and tired, daughter can't help as two yr old super busy and she can be a bit rude , others ok.
I had thoughtful presents for everyone and though I don't really care that much about presents had a nice bath stuff from thoughtful youngest , unwrapped candle holder from Dd and eldest son didn't give anything until Boxing Day as he was so tired. DH had a few little bits but not much for me and said a brief oh ok for my presents.
All weekend he put me down , treated me basically like cr*p and a servant, deliberately not responding if I asked something, or gas lighting about things, blaming me for anything slightly going wrong or just being plain mean. No real reason for any of this except he can't cope with stress or Xmas and gets angry if things aren't just so. I appear to be his fall guy. We were supposed to go out Xmas Eve but he decided not to as it was raining and I just ended up prepping all the veg etc with youngest while H watched TV!
I feel so unappreciated and so despondent wrt his treatment of me and also feel the adult children could have made a lot more effort to be present and ask people how they were etc instead of just taking and being self centred.
Today H blamed me for something again which was untrue and I said he is bullying and controlling me which I found a shame as we had got on better lately and had been away together. His response was I don't get it and apparently my family never liked each other ( we did!) and don't know how to be like a close family like his! I said we are his family and he is an adult who should be supporting me when things need doing in the house not treating me as a servant and bullying me to stay in control.
I'm feeling low and need some space but any comments welcome. Obviously hard without posting everything which would be way too much. TIA

OP posts:
JollyJanuary · 30/12/2023 11:38

You've tried and tried and tried to sort things with him. He will not change and you're wasting energy communicating with him. Re-direct that energy in to planning what you want and need. Counselling sounds great and then you can get some of that stuff out that is holding you in a pattern where he is still your focus. Totally agree that you absolutely shouldn't show him this thread or in fact share anything about your internal life with him. You do not need to agree your future with him - decide what you want and do it.

2022NewTimes · 30/12/2023 11:39

reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 11:01

One of the biggest problems is being constantly blames and held to account for things going wrong whether my fault or not.

Show quote history

@reflecting2023 ....I remember that one....everything was my fault...he was always the victim..he genuinely felt it was okay to say the most hurtful things imaginable as he was mad
You cannot reason with someone who sees nothing wrong with their behaviour....you have put up with it for so long he does not care if he hurts you
Do not waste anymore of your life wanting him to change..its not going to happen..
I left after nearly thirty years and can honestly say its the best thing I ever did. I LOVE being on my own..deciding what I will do..enjoying my adult children company without him there to ruin it

Choose you

redastherose · 30/12/2023 11:39

@reflecting2023 with regards to divorce you have said you don't have a decent pension but you should be aware that everything goes into the pot to be divided on divorce so if your H has a decent pension you can ask for a pension sharing order and have some of his pension allocated to you as part of the divorce. This is well worth thinking about.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations
Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 11:42

JollyJanuary · 30/12/2023 11:38

You've tried and tried and tried to sort things with him. He will not change and you're wasting energy communicating with him. Re-direct that energy in to planning what you want and need. Counselling sounds great and then you can get some of that stuff out that is holding you in a pattern where he is still your focus. Totally agree that you absolutely shouldn't show him this thread or in fact share anything about your internal life with him. You do not need to agree your future with him - decide what you want and do it.

Spot on re I don't need him to agree - I feel that's what I've been hoping for.

OP posts:
Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 11:43

redastherose · 30/12/2023 11:39

@reflecting2023 with regards to divorce you have said you don't have a decent pension but you should be aware that everything goes into the pot to be divided on divorce so if your H has a decent pension you can ask for a pension sharing order and have some of his pension allocated to you as part of the divorce. This is well worth thinking about.

This would be great as he has a good pension but while I wasn't working I had no income obviously so list those years.

OP posts:
PilatesPeach · 30/12/2023 11:46

OP my sincere sympathy it is horrible for you. However, imo, he will never change - he does not see he has done anything wrong so any conversation where you lay down the law and tell him to change his attitude and behaviour won't work as he thinks he is behaving perfectly reasonably. Cut your losses and get out - take the advice further up to see a lawyer and get copies of everything first before you say anything to him. He will NEVER change. You need to keep repeating this. You may have not worked for some years and may not be as well off but getting on with your own life and the freedom, relief, joy, feeling settled it will bring will more than make up for this and in time, you will be able to rebuild your confidence and am sure without him around to pull you down, you will be able to find a career in which you can succeed and be appreciated.

Whilst I never married, I left someone after over 10 years together - he was vile and abusive and I would go to bed wanting to not wake up and gave up work too. It was not easy and I did go back to him a few times but eventually I managed to get a new career and be free of him and now every day am in control of my life - cannot put into words how empowering this is and I work in an environment where I am celebrated and not just tolerated which is what he did (on a good day).

You can do this.

Good luck OP.

Asifiwouldnt · 30/12/2023 11:46

OP would it help if I spell out what I think- you are in an abusive marriage

He is emotionally abusing you.
You should not have to beg for an apology- that’s meaningless and will not correct the behaviour

I absolutely think you have to leave and find a happy life away from this man

I want to say one warning though- your children have been conditioned that you are his doormat and any push back from you is you being lazy or disrespectful or demanding. Their own behaviour towards you makes that clear- it suits them all that you are subservient and do all the work. But that means they may react badly when you go and accuse YOU are breaking up the family and you can be sure your DH will take no responsibility at all for his part in any of it and will lap up that viewpoint and fan it’s flames.

Not sure how you mitigate that- perhaps start sowing the seeds that you are utterly miserable and he is being cruel. Your youngest might be most receptive.

Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 11:47

2022NewTimes
That's good to hear in later life. I feel older now for sure and have a couple of health conditions but the dynamics in the family feel wrong and it's all sort of fake. Also I've been his cater once, I got no thanks, I don't want to be again.

OP posts:
redastherose · 30/12/2023 11:49

His pension is probably worth a considerable amount more than you realise. It's often a shock as to how much of the marital assets it forms as people usually only think of the equity in their house etc. give yourself the biggest present this year by divorcing him and starting a new life. You do not want to spend your retirement years with this bully as he will only get worse the older he and you get. Can you imagine having to spend all day every day with him?

katiekay85 · 30/12/2023 11:57

H

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2023 12:04

reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 11:43

This would be great as he has a good pension but while I wasn't working I had no income obviously so list those years.

Show quote history

Speak to https://www.gov.uk/browse/working/state-pension
And check your pension provision (state) and see if you need/can do any top ups

I found them very helpful

State Pension - GOV.UK

Calculating State Pension, Pension Credit, eligibility, claiming and deferring

https://www.gov.uk/browse/working/state-pension

Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 12:05

BeeCucumber · 30/12/2023 11:14

My advice would be - don’t show him this thread - he will use it against you - and - divorce him before he retires.

Also it would just be an opportunity for him to belittle it - I'm out of touch with reality / telling half a story / made up nonsense/ a bunch of madwomen who hate men etc etc

OP posts:
Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 12:07

NannyOgg
Thankyou very much maybe I can top up now before too late

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/12/2023 12:08

I hope you do whatever it takes to get away from him as quickly as possible. He's fucking horrible.

Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 12:31

So obviously tomorrow is NYE. My eldest son is coming back with don and partner. I have tried to be really firm and say after I go back to work on Tuesday he can stay on but he would have to cook simple food tidy the kitchen and lounge each day so there isn't a huge mess to come back to, pans everywhere, him napping / any chaos. I'm getting a limited amt of info back atm. Stressful when I keep having to sort of get into gear and do extra food etc when I already have a difficult job and am fed up!!

OP posts:
HowAmYa · 30/12/2023 12:44

I echo divorce. You are in a good position, kids are adults too.
Do your kids see how he speaks to you?

There's no need to spend the rest of your life listening to someone belittle your every god damn breath. It's so horrible.

Next time you serve him anything, make sure it's divorce papers!

PaminaMozart · 30/12/2023 12:46

Stressful when I keep having to sort of get into gear and do extra food etc when I already have a difficult job and am fed up!!

Drop the rope!

Seriously, just stop pandering to their wants. You know you won't get any thanks. Just let them get on with it.

Above all, look after yourself and start planning your escape 💐

Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 12:55

PaminaMozart · 30/12/2023 12:46

Stressful when I keep having to sort of get into gear and do extra food etc when I already have a difficult job and am fed up!!

Drop the rope!

Seriously, just stop pandering to their wants. You know you won't get any thanks. Just let them get on with it.

Above all, look after yourself and start planning your escape 💐

I think I'll have to cook tomorrow as my youngest still home but after that it's every man for himself!!

OP posts:
Fullofxmascbeer · 30/12/2023 13:08

The advice to do it before he retires is spot on. You get a share of his pension. It will be a lot less clear cut if he’s already retired.

Stop all house renovations and get your ducks in a row asap. Don’t hint, threaten etc. Just quietly get on with making your plans. You’ve given him enough chances.

pikkumyy77 · 30/12/2023 13:16

Stop doing things for other people. Stop cleaning and organizing the house. Stop cooking for anyone but yourself.

If your children comment just say, calmly, “you don’t appreciate my efforts so Ive decided not to bother.” Don’t get into an argument over rights snd wrongs, just state your position.

i wonder if you dh is a bit of a hoarder? If so stop cleaning snd organizing his hoard. Take anything valuable to you, or that you really care about, box it up and hide it off site so when you leave him you don’t have to fight to keep your own clothes or take your favorite china.

Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 13:54

Fullofxmascbeer · 30/12/2023 13:08

The advice to do it before he retires is spot on. You get a share of his pension. It will be a lot less clear cut if he’s already retired.

Stop all house renovations and get your ducks in a row asap. Don’t hint, threaten etc. Just quietly get on with making your plans. You’ve given him enough chances.

Ok thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 13:55

pikkumyy77 · 30/12/2023 13:16

Stop doing things for other people. Stop cleaning and organizing the house. Stop cooking for anyone but yourself.

If your children comment just say, calmly, “you don’t appreciate my efforts so Ive decided not to bother.” Don’t get into an argument over rights snd wrongs, just state your position.

i wonder if you dh is a bit of a hoarder? If so stop cleaning snd organizing his hoard. Take anything valuable to you, or that you really care about, box it up and hide it off site so when you leave him you don’t have to fight to keep your own clothes or take your favorite china.

Youngest is appreciative and also cooks.
Spot on he is a hoarder

OP posts:
Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 13:58

Youngest = only one

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 30/12/2023 14:05

Ok well expect him to get angry with you when you try to leave the hoard (you are a thing, part of it) he also doesn’t give presents because you are part of the hoard or to punish you for daring to touch and move things.

Hoarders are very threatened by change/loss and their children are very hurt by the family’s secrecy and shame even if (or especially) the family has kept up appearances pretty well.

Dont go back to your previous therapist—if they did not diagnose your anxiety as the consequence of being married to an abusive, controlling, hoarder they are not good at their job.

Do realize that you can’t get justice, or respect, or common decency from inside this sick system. This ship is rotten and dinking. Save yourself and your youngest and concentrate on throwing supplies and valuables into the lifeboat. Don’t stop to argue with the others who want to go down with the ship.

Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 14:17

pikkumyy77 · 30/12/2023 14:05

Ok well expect him to get angry with you when you try to leave the hoard (you are a thing, part of it) he also doesn’t give presents because you are part of the hoard or to punish you for daring to touch and move things.

Hoarders are very threatened by change/loss and their children are very hurt by the family’s secrecy and shame even if (or especially) the family has kept up appearances pretty well.

Dont go back to your previous therapist—if they did not diagnose your anxiety as the consequence of being married to an abusive, controlling, hoarder they are not good at their job.

Do realize that you can’t get justice, or respect, or common decency from inside this sick system. This ship is rotten and dinking. Save yourself and your youngest and concentrate on throwing supplies and valuables into the lifeboat. Don’t stop to argue with the others who want to go down with the ship.

All noted. Just wanted to say he's not an actual full in hoarder but has a keen interest in antiques and a lot of things - the house is full but not in any extreme way all rooms exits etc clear. Some excess furniture which was bequeathed and a lots of stuff accumulated over time which is being de cluttered. But I've noticed he gets angry about his own stuff as you say getting moved or letting it go. ( fine to get rid of mine obviously)

OP posts: