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Original poster

Nasty behaviour, Spoilt Christmas what next?

243 replies

reflecting2023 · 28/12/2023 18:05

I've NC but if anyone would like to know my usual name pls msg me.
Very sad and sort of confused.

I did all the preparation for Christmas in the house and presents for me DH and three adult children and two GC and one child's partner. It took a while as I also work but spent the pre Xmas week of AL doing just that.
The Friday I cleaned and sorted and tidied ( we have too much stuff) and when H came home to a v clean house he was unhappy with a couple of open windows and some things I'd moved around ( his hat and plates from a dresser that was unstable and nearly fell on me) . Had a huge go at me, was also being incredibly domineering and over the top. We were going out for dinner and I think he would have cancelled as he often does but for the fact he doesn't cook and it was local but he was having a go at me the entire way there - watch the mud, don't run anyone over, park on the road etc etc. I told him not to bully and control me. thankfully once there the ambience was nice and I got chatting to others and the tension broke.
Christmas weekend lots going on - the adult children can be quite needy too - my eldest moody and tired, daughter can't help as two yr old super busy and she can be a bit rude , others ok.
I had thoughtful presents for everyone and though I don't really care that much about presents had a nice bath stuff from thoughtful youngest , unwrapped candle holder from Dd and eldest son didn't give anything until Boxing Day as he was so tired. DH had a few little bits but not much for me and said a brief oh ok for my presents.
All weekend he put me down , treated me basically like cr*p and a servant, deliberately not responding if I asked something, or gas lighting about things, blaming me for anything slightly going wrong or just being plain mean. No real reason for any of this except he can't cope with stress or Xmas and gets angry if things aren't just so. I appear to be his fall guy. We were supposed to go out Xmas Eve but he decided not to as it was raining and I just ended up prepping all the veg etc with youngest while H watched TV!
I feel so unappreciated and so despondent wrt his treatment of me and also feel the adult children could have made a lot more effort to be present and ask people how they were etc instead of just taking and being self centred.
Today H blamed me for something again which was untrue and I said he is bullying and controlling me which I found a shame as we had got on better lately and had been away together. His response was I don't get it and apparently my family never liked each other ( we did!) and don't know how to be like a close family like his! I said we are his family and he is an adult who should be supporting me when things need doing in the house not treating me as a servant and bullying me to stay in control.
I'm feeling low and need some space but any comments welcome. Obviously hard without posting everything which would be way too much. TIA

OP posts:
Smugandproud · 30/12/2023 10:12

Re the pension @reflecting2023 , my db gave his ex a third of his pension pot after 20 years of marriage.
However she was the bully in their relationship so you may have to fight your dh for a decent share.

Imo you should start to live your life for yourself and not dh or dc.
Be more selfish, it works for them so why not for you.

susiedaisy1912 · 30/12/2023 10:17

He does just enough so you let your guard down and then he strikes again and leaves you shaken and confused again. Does he do this around your birthday and on holidays as well? He won't change op so it's you that's going to have to make changes.

I left my exh after 20 years together. I kept the house and bought him out. I then moved and downsized with my dc who were both teenagers. I did this on a fairly low income of £20k a year. (10 years ago) It can be done. My life is so much better I can't even begin to describe it. Yes I'm single and get lonely at times but it's still much better than being abused and treading on egg shells.

Give yourself time to get used to the idea op and then make planes to divorce.

Cherrysoup · 30/12/2023 10:19

He sounds foul. Do you really want another 20 years of this?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations
Getupat8amnow · 30/12/2023 10:20

Hello reflecting2023, I am sorry to hear you had a rotten Christmas. From reading your posts I agree that your oldest two children are following their father’s lead on how they treat you. In my opinion you should (without your DH’s knowledge) plan and organise how to end this marriage while making sure you get everything you are entitled to when the marriage finally ends. You gave up a career to stay at home and look after the family home and raise your joint children so you are as much entitled to half as he is. I am so glad to read you are working again as this is crucial to leaving.

I was with a similar man for many years but got out a few years ago, the thing that struck me was your comment “I would be happier without him”. I felt exactly that too and so I made my plan and then left. It is true, I really am so much happier without him, a weight is lifted, no more eggshells, no more disappointments, no more sighs as the drama starts again. It is wonderful BUT hard won to get to this point.

Without telling anyone except us on MN go and see a solicitor who specialises in divorce. Lay all your cards on the table so you will know exactly where you stand. If you can get information on his savings, pensions etc. Take photos or copies of any paperwork. This way the solicitor will give you a realistic picture of what is what. Once you have this then you can make an informed decision on when to leave and what you need to put in place. Get the house valued without telling him (before going to the solicitor) also take bank statements to evidence your contributions to household expenses.

Definitely start decluttering, just tell him it’s a clear out. Start saving as much as you can too.

Good luck.

NOTANUM · 30/12/2023 10:27

If he’s coming up to 60, he will be retiring soon no doubt. Keep that in your mind every day as I’d imagine being with him full-time would be tricky. It also means a financial settlement might not be as good esp. if you’re working) if the pension is already in use (via annuity or similar).

If you are going to leave, do it sooner rather than later and definitely before either of you retire.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 30/12/2023 10:30

Don’t put up with this,
Call him out each and every time he puts you down.
Or if you don’t want to cause a row in front of others tell him how he’s acting towards you.
“ I didn’t enjoy Christmas and that was down to you, Don’t belittle me, I’m not your whipping boy and I’m tired of it, I don’t deserve it. I work just as hard as you do and deserve some respect.”

Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 10:37

Well thank you everyone. I was surprised by the unanimity of the replies as he minimises it , the adult children see it as ' bickering' between us and it's hard to relate to friends who know his standing in the community. I suppose he is selfish and thinks it's ok to say these bad things to me as they are ' facts' as he said on Thursday Confused
I just spoke to him normally as silence makes me feel ongoingly unhappy/ anxious but when we mentioned about house renovations I said ' we don't know what's happening yet this year , you still haven't given me an apology' he said looking genuinely surprised, 'an apology , what for?' And I said ' for bullying me' and he said ' bullying , that's ridiculous ' to which I just said mm and went quiet. He's gone out for the day.
On Thursday he also said, stop being so miserable, just because you didn't get any presents ... 😭
I said today I thought getting a present on Boxing Day and an unwrapped present wasn't very thoughtful and that I didn't get many presents in any case ( by far the least of everyone by a long way) and said I didn't think some people were very thoughtful.

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 30/12/2023 10:38

reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 09:35

But that unpredictability and pig headed ness makes it difficult.
I told him on Thursday he was bullying me so he knows what I think. He hasn't reflected and come to say sorry.

Because he’s not sorry.. if you threaten to leave he’ll only pretend to be sorry to control you into staying, because him treated you like a piece of shit on his shoe is how he really feels.

he’s been a terrible husband since the kids were toddlers, he’s never going to change now, so forget your bloody pension, if you want any chance of happiness with someone who will love and appreciate you without having to jump through hoops, just sort everything out and ask him to leave.

Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 10:38

Apologies my post out of sync, I had a half - typed post then went downstairs and just finished it off and posted to see there have been quite a few replies which I will now read. Thankyou

OP posts:
diddl · 30/12/2023 10:51

Divorce papers for his 60th?

Also sounds as if your kids need kicking into touch!

To tired to give a present until Boxing Day?

Too busy as have a 2yr old?

I understand that they have seen him treat you like shit-but do they hate you as well?

Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 10:52

Ok everyone Thankyou so so much. So much advice and kind posts which I will reflect on. I think I've genuinely given so much and held on for so long for various reasons but you're all right I can't retire with this bully abiding by all his ' rules' and keeping all his stuff as a priority and suddenly being shocked at how he apparently thinks I am worthless with no redeeming qualities and having to fight to maintain my own values. I know I feel sorry for him sometimes but that's why I'm glad I've got this thread because I can remember his really hurtful damning comments.
Thankyou all again for your kindness and wisdom

OP posts:
Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 10:54

diddl · 30/12/2023 10:51

Divorce papers for his 60th?

Also sounds as if your kids need kicking into touch!

To tired to give a present until Boxing Day?

Too busy as have a 2yr old?

I understand that they have seen him treat you like shit-but do they hate you as well?

I hope not! They see H as more important maybe

OP posts:
Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 10:56

But also as he has never told them how to behave or not to be rude to me etc they see him as more lenient whereas I might comment on behaviour

OP posts:
NCGrandParent · 30/12/2023 10:57

@reflecting2023 Have you ever had counselling? I found it really helpful to get me through a deeply stressful period. You could use it as a neutral space to get your thoughts together and make plans. Get a recommendation or try a couple out. Once you find the right person it will be such a support. I found "transactional analysis" really helpful (there's a lot of the drama triangle coming through in your posts). Let it be your Christmas present to yourself.

coldcallerbaiter · 30/12/2023 10:59

Just blame him for stuff. Pick on him. See if he likes it.

Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 11:01

coldcallerbaiter · 30/12/2023 10:59

Just blame him for stuff. Pick on him. See if he likes it.

One of the biggest problems is being constantly blames and held to account for things going wrong whether my fault or not.

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 30/12/2023 11:05

Show him the thread, youve got nothing to lose.

Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 11:06

NCGrandParent · 30/12/2023 10:57

@reflecting2023 Have you ever had counselling? I found it really helpful to get me through a deeply stressful period. You could use it as a neutral space to get your thoughts together and make plans. Get a recommendation or try a couple out. Once you find the right person it will be such a support. I found "transactional analysis" really helpful (there's a lot of the drama triangle coming through in your posts). Let it be your Christmas present to yourself.

Thankyou for the suggestion. I have had counselling for previous anxiety which I've now come through - I'm naturally very responsible and have a stressful job and with all of this stress at home I just became incredibly anxious and couldn't make a decision for fear it was wrong. I've come through that and feel strong but feel unhappy the last week - I felt happier in the autumn when we got on more but now realise that was false.
I could go back to my previous counsellor though will try to keep costs down or could try a new one with a more emotional ( less cbt) base.

OP posts:
BeeCucumber · 30/12/2023 11:14

My advice would be - don’t show him this thread - he will use it against you - and - divorce him before he retires.

Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 11:18

BeeCucumber · 30/12/2023 11:14

My advice would be - don’t show him this thread - he will use it against you - and - divorce him before he retires.

I think that's wise.
So some prep time, then separation then divorce.
I think what was highlighted this Xmas was that repeatedly the children can disrespect me too but I can't correct it successfully as he is saying oh it's fine etc.

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 30/12/2023 11:19

reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 11:06

Thankyou for the suggestion. I have had counselling for previous anxiety which I've now come through - I'm naturally very responsible and have a stressful job and with all of this stress at home I just became incredibly anxious and couldn't make a decision for fear it was wrong. I've come through that and feel strong but feel unhappy the last week - I felt happier in the autumn when we got on more but now realise that was false.
I could go back to my previous counsellor though will try to keep costs down or could try a new one with a more emotional ( less cbt) base.

Show quote history

Did your therapist ever suggest that your freezing in responses to decision making could have been caused by living on egg shells with someone like that?

Darkandstormynite · 30/12/2023 11:27

Oh OP, I felt so desperately sad reading your thread. Made me think of Shirley Valentine when her husband is having a tantrum and slings the egg and chips across the table and it goes all over her. Shirley didn't take it and neither should you!

2024 is going to be your year OP.

Quietly plan, get legal advice, find out about his pension (you could be entitled to some of that to top yours up). Also, think about housing. In your shoes I'd look for a rental asap so when you say you're going you actually have space to go through the divorce.

Don't be surprised if he plays the victim and the kids initially side with him. They need time to reflect on their own behaviour as well. Don't let him use them to bully you either! suspect he will. I would have a strict rule with them from the outset, that the divorce is between you and him, and you will not discuss it with them at all. Stick to it and it will give you breathing space.

Newestname002 · 30/12/2023 11:28

BeeCucumber · 30/12/2023 11:14

My advice would be - don’t show him this thread - he will use it against you - and - divorce him before he retires.

I agree this. Giving him access to your thread, which is a source of information, clarity and support would be handing him a bigger stick to beat you with.

I'd also agree with posters who say don't speak to him about separation or divorce. Instead look at your own interests for a change and get your ducks in a row discreetly for your own sake. Get transparency on your finances as much as possible (eg market price if your home, including existing equity), both your occupational pension schemes, salaries etc. Also check what benefits you might be eligible for as a single person www.entitledto.co.uk and don't spend more money on renovating the house as you will need as much as you can save in rebuilding your life. 🌹

Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 11:35

Darkandstormynite · 30/12/2023 11:27

Oh OP, I felt so desperately sad reading your thread. Made me think of Shirley Valentine when her husband is having a tantrum and slings the egg and chips across the table and it goes all over her. Shirley didn't take it and neither should you!

2024 is going to be your year OP.

Quietly plan, get legal advice, find out about his pension (you could be entitled to some of that to top yours up). Also, think about housing. In your shoes I'd look for a rental asap so when you say you're going you actually have space to go through the divorce.

Don't be surprised if he plays the victim and the kids initially side with him. They need time to reflect on their own behaviour as well. Don't let him use them to bully you either! suspect he will. I would have a strict rule with them from the outset, that the divorce is between you and him, and you will not discuss it with them at all. Stick to it and it will give you breathing space.

I have often thought of Shirley Valentine! Hopefully I'm not too old or skinny to jet off to Greece one day lol

OP posts:
Original poster
reflecting2023 · 30/12/2023 11:35

Skint!! Skint!
I'm not skinny haha

OP posts: