Would you leave your partner if they hit your child?

[Silentflights]

Hello,

I don't feel ready to talk about it in real life, but this evening my partner slapped our son in the face. He is 5, he has been hyper today but its all of the excitement and change of routine- he's not been lashing out or anything else (not that it would make it acceptable anyway); I am horrified. I asked him to leave immediately and he's gone to his brothers but he will be back I'm sure. He's never even really raised his voice before (and I've been with him for 9 years), definitely never been violent. I don't think I'm being dramatic in not forgiving this though, he could have walked away if he was getting wound up. I don't trust him around DS anymore and I don't want DS to think this behaviour is acceptable.

I don't know if it's rash to leave because of this one incident, but I always promised myself that if any man was abusive towards our child I'd leave immediately and I want to. Its throwing away stability and an otherwise decent relationship- but anyone would do the same right? Or would you?

Slapping a child around the face is not a red flag, it's the actual danger and damage itself. If you stay, you'd be a terrible mother, so I'm glad you won't. A friend of mine had a stepdad who hit her, mother prioritised her taste in dick over the kids, stepdad was a cunt to his children too because good parents and people don't do that. They're now totally estranged from all four of their combined children and don't see their grandkids and think they're the victims.

@Silentflights Sending love to you, your head must be spinning.

Perfectly legal to smack your child ??? Really @Sintel I think you will find hotting your 5 year old in the face is NOT legal

P.s unlawful force to another recklessly or intentionally is battery - the offence you may be looking for. Alternatively you could go for Cruelty to a child under the Children and Young Persons Act 1933. I'm floored at some of the perspectives on here. A 5 year old "forgetting," him losing his temper? Bullshit.

I always thought it was legal in England and Wales providing no mark is left. Not that that excuses it though.

I've never seen one that states the poster smacked their child in the face and then told partner the child deserved it.

But tbf a mother saying they smacked their child would probably tell it in a better light.

OP - Cold light of day -

If your son tells a teacher it will be reported to Social Services

They will investigate and find out you chose to stay with him
You then have a very real chance of having your child/ren taken away from you

If I'm right, it's "reasonable chastisement", which is stupid because hitting children is never reasonable, but there are loads of shit parents who want to be able to excuse themselves for hitting their kids. And other people hitting their kids.

Don't put dick before your kids' safety. I love my mother but I'll never forgive her for forcing me to live with my abuser because she got off on the angry, violent cunt.

Unfortunately social services would be unlikely to take it further. Their threshold for their intervention is so high.

And not one of the same as this situation. Two mothers posting because they feel guilty and remorseful and one weird chip shop scenario about a stranger. Not the same as hitting an excited five year old in the face, saying 'he deserved it' and feeling no guilt about it. Hardly a basis for claiming double standards are rife!

a million percent at a minimum. I’d have to stop myself from burying him under the patio!

Hmmm.
Those links have the person saying how awful they feel, how disgusted they are with themselves, etc.

The man here isn't bothered at all and says the child deserved it

Now. I'm no expert or anything and it's just a crazy thought so hear me out...

Could the difference in replies be a result of the difference in attitude on the part of the person who hit the child? I mean, wild thought eh?
Omg I did a terrible thing how could I have done this I'm so ashamed of myself v I don't give a shit the kid deserved it

I'd definitely report to police. It will also get logged with ss. Highly unlikely anything will happen to your dh from it but it's part of a bigger picture. If other things happen down the line and you keep logging it it begins to form a story. You need to protect and advocate for your child.

The lack of remorse would be the point of not return for me.

Could you ring the nspcc tomorrow to ask for advice on how to talk to your son? And how to not have this incident forever associated with Christmas for him?

I am so sorry this happened - your poor little boy.

Not to mention @IncompleteSenten that those threads are from 2009 and 2015. So it's really not the case that mums are frequently posting on here about slapping their kids and being told it's fine.

You’re naive and judgemental to assume that growing up without your parents living together is always detrimental to a child. Of course it can be, but it doesn’t have to be.

Growing up with a father who slaps you and says you deserve it is detrimental to a child 100% of the time.

If you can’t provide any empathy or support to OP and her little one then your nasty and self righteous comments aren’t needed on this thread (or anywhere else I imagine).

Indeed. Imagine trying to score one for Double Standards and that's the best they can find. I'd have not bothered linking those.

I thought the same, it's really interesting to read the difference in responses when it is a father.

I have been a designated safeguarding officer for children at work. My understanding is that in England it's legal to hit a child with an open palm, where it doesn't leave a mark behind (for example on the hand, bum).

I've never hit my child and I never would.

I do remember being slapped in the face when I was 13 by my mum. I was being a horrible shit though.

I just think of my own 5 year old and it’s breaking my heart imagining anybody doing this to him.

I would’ve lost my shit with my partner completely I’m afraid. He wouldn’t be welcome anywhere near my child again.

I do remember being slapped in the face when I was 13 by my mum. I was being a horrible shit though.

I expect you learned it from her since she clearly didn't know or care about how to stop situations escalating. She was the grown up, she should have been in control of the situation.

Personally, I wouldn't leave no. I would be extremely worried about what would happen when I wasn't there (his custody). I would be keeping an extremely watchful eye out to make sure it never happened again however. If it ever did, I'd build a case to make sure only supervised custody would be allowed.

You’ve also no idea if this particular child will have much contact with his father in future.

However, believe me when I say that choosing (if you even get to have a choice in the matter) whether to let your child have unsupervised contact with an abusive parent, or whether they should live with them all the time (while their parent’s behavior erodes the well being of everyone in the household), is the hardest decision many women ever have to make.

We cannot break the cycle of abuse by men of women and children in our society if these kind of actions have no consequence.

@DiaryOfaTTCer im glad someone gets my point! Don’t know what point I’m trying to make, it’s just interesting. I too was smacked as child but would never ever hit mine, and would be devastated if my DH did…if I really browse mumsnet there are threads out there where a DH shows remorse but the responses are still along the lines of call the police. I won’t link them though 😂🙈.

You expect that I learned what from her?!

Your poor boy! Probably so excited and hyped for Christmas. Gutted for him!