Page 15 | Would you leave your partner if they hit your child?

Silentflights · 2023-12-22T18:52:13+00:00

Hello, I don't feel ready to talk about it in real life, but this evening my partner slapped our son in the face. He is 5, he has been hyper today but its all of the excitement and change of routine- he's not been lashing out or anything else (not that it would make it acceptable anyway); I am horrified. I asked him to leave immediately and he's gone to his brothers but he will be back I'm sure. He's never even really raised his voice before (and I've been with him for 9 years), definitely never been violent. I don't think I'm being dramatic in not forgiving this though, he could have walked away if he was getting wound up. I don't trust him around DS anymore and I don't want DS to think this behaviour is acceptable. I don't know if it's rash to leave because of this one incident, but I always promised myself that if any man was abusive towards our child I'd leave immediately and I want to. Its throwing away stability and an otherwise decent relationship- but anyone would do the same right? Or would you?

TitaniasAss · 23/12/2023 09:22

I haven't read the full thread OP so forgive me if you've been asked and answered this, but if you are in Scotland or Wales it is illegal to smack a child. Yes, I would leave if my partner hit my child, your first priority is to protect your child from anyone who deliberately harms them, whoever that may be.

Carmargo · 23/12/2023 09:27

People who get antagonised by children shouldn't have them.
I'm antagonised constantly by my dh and other adults, children? Never.

What is wrong with people?

It would be unusual if this is the first time it happened.

The 'dh' s' lack of remorse is chilling and indicative that he has no compassion for his own child.

TitaniasAss · 23/12/2023 09:27

Sintel · 23/12/2023 00:04

Family counselling is definitely the way to go here. People really aren't understanding that she doesn't have the option of removing her child from this man. Yes she can leave and he will get 50:50. This isn't remotely going to trigger the level at which social services would require supervised visitation. The outcome for this child will be being left in the care of a man who badly needs help with his parenting strategies. He will simply entrench his views of smacking as discipline.

The most abhorrent thing to me is people brainlessly encouraging her to leave. It's exactly the scenario where he will be least protected. I'd at least try to get him to engage with a professional who can give him some tools and help him understand why this isn't ok.

I'm gobsmacked anyone would encourage someone to continue a relationship with someone who hit their child. It's, at best, naive to think it's the first time. The OP has more chance of protecting their child if he is not living with them than she does if he is.

Trytheweebabyquiche · 23/12/2023 09:34

Carmargo · 23/12/2023 09:27

People who get antagonised by children shouldn't have them.
I'm antagonised constantly by my dh and other adults, children? Never.

What is wrong with people?

It would be unusual if this is the first time it happened.

The 'dh' s' lack of remorse is chilling and indicative that he has no compassion for his own child.

I don’t know- children can be antagonising, they are people after all… but that doesn’t mean you can hit them! The whole bloody world is antagonistic I find… I’ve never hit anyone.

This red mist line is bollocks @Kittylala - you can control yourself when you want to, you just choose not to when you hit your child because it’s easier not to bother. People who actually can’t control themselves because of mental illness or trauma etc are violent in a range of situations, not only in one (and coincidentally the one where there aren’t any consequences for them…).

LetMeOut2021 · 23/12/2023 09:37

VanityDiesHard · 23/12/2023 09:18

Thank you for pointing that out. I have been both angered and horrified by the ludicrous misinformation peddled on this thread. It is more than possible that the OP could prevent her 'D'H from seeing their child unsupervised, if she acts now and starts a paper trail. I am infuriated by the naysayers and minimisers on this thread. OP, please don't listen to these idiots. Get yourself and your child out, and go for full custody. It'll work out for you.

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I’ve had experience of trying to prevent access to my children and so speak with experience.

LetMeOut2021 · 23/12/2023 09:40

Sintel · 23/12/2023 00:04

Family counselling is definitely the way to go here. People really aren't understanding that she doesn't have the option of removing her child from this man. Yes she can leave and he will get 50:50. This isn't remotely going to trigger the level at which social services would require supervised visitation. The outcome for this child will be being left in the care of a man who badly needs help with his parenting strategies. He will simply entrench his views of smacking as discipline.

The most abhorrent thing to me is people brainlessly encouraging her to leave. It's exactly the scenario where he will be least protected. I'd at least try to get him to engage with a professional who can give him some tools and help him understand why this isn't ok.

i agree. People seem to think social services will swoop in light a knight in shining armour. They don’t. IME they’re quick to minimise, probably some absolute tripe “safety plan” box ticked. Move on.

JudesBiggestFan · 23/12/2023 09:41

I would urge some caution. I remember when my middle child was three i slapped him three times on the arm really quite hard. No excuse but he'd been tantruming all day on holiday, it was hot...I just lost it. I remember my husband looking at me with a look of such disgust and telling me to stop. It was like a red mist had come down...I apologised, gave my head a wobble, I've never done it again to any of my three children. I still feel ashamed but making me move out, subjecting our children to the pain of divorce, them being passed back and forth for years, new partners being introduced, the loss of their home and reduced financial circumstances...I think that would have had a worse impact than one moment of madness that I apologised for and learned from. He seems fine anyway! I'm the last person to say tolerate an abusive relationship, but we are all human - one mistake, as long as it's not a pattern and as long as you make it clear that you won't tolerate a repeat...forgiving that could be way less damaging than divorce.

Carmargo · 23/12/2023 09:47

I understand that the focus is - rightly-on your son, however, what about you?

I mean I couldn't be, to put it politely, romantic with a man who did this.

I used to be crazy about a guy. I had a massive crush on him. Turned out he'd kicked a kitten. Instant turn-off.

Remember, it's about your relationship with him too.

Kittylala · 23/12/2023 09:50

Trytheweebabyquiche · 23/12/2023 09:34

I don’t know- children can be antagonising, they are people after all… but that doesn’t mean you can hit them! The whole bloody world is antagonistic I find… I’ve never hit anyone.

This red mist line is bollocks @Kittylala - you can control yourself when you want to, you just choose not to when you hit your child because it’s easier not to bother. People who actually can’t control themselves because of mental illness or trauma etc are violent in a range of situations, not only in one (and coincidentally the one where there aren’t any consequences for them…).

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We are allowed our own opinions. The difference between me and you is that I've admitted my fault whilst supporting another person. All you are doing is trampling on one person who is already down and parading my faults for all to hear. Are you proud of yourself? Do you feel big and important now? Well done you.

Carmargo · 23/12/2023 09:54

Ffs, how many times does it have to be repeated the 'dh' doesn't recognise what he did is wrong?

It's terribly authoritarian of me but if there was a way of children only being born to parents who are psychologically fit to have them I would think that's OK.
Obviously in practice it can't be done.

Poor child. The 'dh' is an ABSOLUTE CUNT.

Trytheweebabyquiche · 23/12/2023 09:58

Kittylala · 23/12/2023 09:50

We are allowed our own opinions. The difference between me and you is that I've admitted my fault whilst supporting another person. All you are doing is trampling on one person who is already down and parading my faults for all to hear. Are you proud of yourself? Do you feel big and important now? Well done you.

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You brought it up.

Trytheweebabyquiche · 23/12/2023 10:04

JudesBiggestFan · 23/12/2023 09:41

I would urge some caution. I remember when my middle child was three i slapped him three times on the arm really quite hard. No excuse but he'd been tantruming all day on holiday, it was hot...I just lost it. I remember my husband looking at me with a look of such disgust and telling me to stop. It was like a red mist had come down...I apologised, gave my head a wobble, I've never done it again to any of my three children. I still feel ashamed but making me move out, subjecting our children to the pain of divorce, them being passed back and forth for years, new partners being introduced, the loss of their home and reduced financial circumstances...I think that would have had a worse impact than one moment of madness that I apologised for and learned from. He seems fine anyway! I'm the last person to say tolerate an abusive relationship, but we are all human - one mistake, as long as it's not a pattern and as long as you make it clear that you won't tolerate a repeat...forgiving that could be way less damaging than divorce.

Edit.

NonPlayerCharacter · 23/12/2023 10:10

Kittylala · 23/12/2023 09:50

We are allowed our own opinions. The difference between me and you is that I've admitted my fault whilst supporting another person. All you are doing is trampling on one person who is already down and parading my faults for all to hear. Are you proud of yourself? Do you feel big and important now? Well done you.

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We are allowed our own opinions.

You know what they say about opinions. If the best you can say in defence of yours is that it's not illegal to hold it, that's a pretty clear sign of where it's at. And your opinion enables child assault.

The difference between me and you is that I've admitted my fault whilst supporting another person.

You've learned nothing from your fault. You do it repeatedly and you get pissy with people who think you need to do more than say you feel bad about it and that you're wrong to encourage someone to subject their own kid to that kind of treatment. "Supporting another person" doesn't cut it when you're supporting them to enable child assault.

You think that claiming to feel guilty is all it takes. That's not how self improvement works.

Ostryga · 23/12/2023 13:11

Kittylala · 23/12/2023 09:50

We are allowed our own opinions. The difference between me and you is that I've admitted my fault whilst supporting another person. All you are doing is trampling on one person who is already down and parading my faults for all to hear. Are you proud of yourself? Do you feel big and important now? Well done you.

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Shame you can’t support your own child by not abusing them really isn’t it?

MustWeDoThis · 23/12/2023 13:49

It's illegal. Any form of hands on punishment is illegal and classed as abuse.

Trytheweebabyquiche · 23/12/2023 14:15

MustWeDoThis · 23/12/2023 13:49

It's illegal. Any form of hands on punishment is illegal and classed as abuse.

Not in England or Northern Ireland.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-65243518.amp

A child with her head in her arms on the stairs.

Government rejects call to ban smacking in England - BBC News

Children's charities says the government should make physical punishment of children illegal.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-65243518.amp

LittleMissSunshiner · 23/12/2023 14:36

I think, on consideration of everyone's input here and my own personal thoughts that the OP's best bet is to have a one off consultation with a criminal lawyer who is au fait with police procedures.

Then report this violent incident to the police in an effective manner (ie one the police cannot evade or mess up). By rights, the child could be carefully interviewed by a child psychologist to see if this has been happening before etc. It is exceptionally unlikely the police would succeed in putting the case through the CPS unless the father admits he hit the child on record (he might if he's not savvy with how the police work).

This will then create a firm structure and paper trail from which the OP can gain agency. It stands good stead to proceed with separation / divorce. Also gaining sole custody with only supervised access for father. And it sends out a clear message to the offender that what they have done is unacceptable, as a result of this consequence they may seek help and even change.

It is true what people say about Social Services and Child Welfare etc, they're ran off their feet and they leave children with already known violent offenders, even sex offenders, blackout drinkers, and class A drug addicts. One only has to read the Daily Fail on a regular to see how many youngsters are murdered in their own home after years of 'intervention' (or not) by these agencies.

So it's about taking power, agency, and creating a cohesive structure to work within.

If OP has money they could consider taking child asap to a well qualified and experienced child therapist.

Nitesaredrawinin · 23/12/2023 15:39

Are you bloody joking. Your child was assaulted, report the bastard.

Original poster

Silentflights · 23/12/2023 15:45

Nitesaredrawinin · 23/12/2023 15:39

Are you bloody joking. Your child was assaulted, report the bastard.

Have you read any of my posts?

OP posts:

Nitesaredrawinin · 23/12/2023 17:07

Yes I have read your posts and I’m replying to your question. The fact it even is a question is beyond me.

AngryPrincess · 23/12/2023 23:03

Yep.

BlackPanther75 · 23/12/2023 23:23

Copperoliverbear · 23/12/2023 00:01

Yes 100% but I'd also slap his face very hard to see how he likes it.

Would be interesting to see the response if a father said he’d hit the mother in the face to see how she liked it

BlackPanther75 · 23/12/2023 23:37

Ostryga · 23/12/2023 02:12

I don’t think I’ve ever read a thread where a mum has hit their child across the face and then said they deserved it and mn has/would support that.

The spouse is abusive, he probably has been abusing this poor little boy for a long, long time. It’s only by chance op found out.

We don’t need to be questioning or trying to explain away. He is abusive, the little boy is being abused. We need to support op to get her child away from him.

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I don’t think you would see a post where the mum wrote the post and said they hit their child but kid deserved it, and that she wasn’t engaged with her child. They just wouldn’t say that would they.

Obviously they’re is a chance the dad said this and meant it and is just an abusive nasty piece of work, and we do all love a good ‘leave the bastard’ and nail him to the wall thread…

But i do wonder if the dad was responding in the heat of the moment, felt criticised and shamed by the mums reaction, and responded with this justification that the kid deserved it, because tempers and emotions were so high.

AndI wonder if maybe after it had calmed down, if both parents could discuss it as adults, if he wouldn’t have reflected more and been regretful and remorseful. It sounds like the mum, understandably, initially flew off the handle about this, but a calmer conversation after the event might well get a different insight and outcome

Like I say, the dad could well a black and white bastard. But in reality things are usually far more nuanced than what has been presented to us by the author

Trytheweebabyquiche · 24/12/2023 07:44

BlackPanther75 · 23/12/2023 23:37

I don’t think you would see a post where the mum wrote the post and said they hit their child but kid deserved it, and that she wasn’t engaged with her child. They just wouldn’t say that would they.

Obviously they’re is a chance the dad said this and meant it and is just an abusive nasty piece of work, and we do all love a good ‘leave the bastard’ and nail him to the wall thread…

But i do wonder if the dad was responding in the heat of the moment, felt criticised and shamed by the mums reaction, and responded with this justification that the kid deserved it, because tempers and emotions were so high.

AndI wonder if maybe after it had calmed down, if both parents could discuss it as adults, if he wouldn’t have reflected more and been regretful and remorseful. It sounds like the mum, understandably, initially flew off the handle about this, but a calmer conversation after the event might well get a different insight and outcome

Like I say, the dad could well a black and white bastard. But in reality things are usually far more nuanced than what has been presented to us by the author

Edited

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I think that’s a very naive take on the situation.

He reacted to being challenged on something that was clearly and obviously completely unacceptable by doubling down.

There shouldn’t need to be a conversation about what happened in order for him to understand what he did was wrong- it is plain to see to anyone who isn’t a self absorbed, violent bully.

The most dangerous thing to children as a group are the men in their household.

NonPlayerCharacter · 24/12/2023 08:26

BlackPanther75 · 23/12/2023 23:23

Would be interesting to see the response if a father said he’d hit the mother in the face to see how she liked it

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I love how this is always what the not-so-hidden MRAs on here go for. Couldn't care less about all the assaulted children and women, but one poster makes a slightly bravado post in which she fantasises about hitting an abusive man back in the way he abused his child, and this is victimhood.