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Original poster

Would you leave your partner if they hit your child?

388 replies

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 18:52

Hello,

I don't feel ready to talk about it in real life, but this evening my partner slapped our son in the face. He is 5, he has been hyper today but its all of the excitement and change of routine- he's not been lashing out or anything else (not that it would make it acceptable anyway); I am horrified. I asked him to leave immediately and he's gone to his brothers but he will be back I'm sure. He's never even really raised his voice before (and I've been with him for 9 years), definitely never been violent. I don't think I'm being dramatic in not forgiving this though, he could have walked away if he was getting wound up. I don't trust him around DS anymore and I don't want DS to think this behaviour is acceptable.

I don't know if it's rash to leave because of this one incident, but I always promised myself that if any man was abusive towards our child I'd leave immediately and I want to. Its throwing away stability and an otherwise decent relationship- but anyone would do the same right? Or would you?

OP posts:
Bookworm1111 · 22/12/2023 20:29

Your son's lack of reaction – as in he brushed it aside and didn't want to talk about it once you calmed him down – makes me think it wasn't a one-off. That and your DP just saying he deserved it as he left the room. In the coming days you could ask your DS in a roundabout way if his dad has hit him before and I'd put money on the answer being yes.

IncompleteSenten · 22/12/2023 20:30

My mum used to slap me in the face in temper. Worse than the pain was the humiliation.

Weirdly, it had even more of an effect on me than the time my dad gave me a beating with his belt. It's just, well, humiliating is the right word. The emotional effects last longer than the physical pain.

It's not ok. The number of times you should be able to slap your child across the face is the same number you should be able to slap your partner around the face - zero.

Even if you are someone who believes it's ok to hit your child to make them obey you, there's nothing about hitting them across the face that could be classified as anything other than an act of abuse.

It's a loss of control and a display of violence and you should no more say "oh well, it was only once, not worth breaking up a family" than you should say "oh well, it was only once, not worth breaking up a family" if a woman said her husband slapped her across the face and she didn't know what to do.

We need to move beyond this ridiculous belief that it's ok to hit your kids. It's not ok. It fucks you up. I'm 50 years old and still remember, for example, the sting and how I felt when my mother slapped me really hard in the face in a shop because I was too shy to answer the shop keeper when they'd spoken to me. I grew up scared to death of her.
And of my dad. He had the nerve to be upset because I as a grown woman still flinched whenever he made a sudden move. Apparently I made him feel bad.

it is not acceptable to hurt your children and I cannot believe that's even debatable tbh.

ByTheTreeWithTheGoldenClock · 22/12/2023 20:31

Partypop · 22/12/2023 20:07

@MindatWork but there have been a few threads over the years where mums have admitted to slapping kids around the face, just look at the responses if you can find the time to google. I’m probably derailing the thread so sorry, just an interesting case of double standards maybe?

Anyone googling won't find those threads because you're making it up.

samqueens · 22/12/2023 20:32

Sintel · 22/12/2023 18:57

No I wouldn't if there were no other red flags. He's lots his rag. Plenty of mums on here have admitted to giving their kid a slap in a red mist moment and simply been told to move on. You need more help with your parenting strategies and to work together.

The cold truth is that it's perfectly legal to smack your kid if you so choose. There's no reason to think he wouldn't get 50:50 and you wouldn't be there to help facilitate the relationship. So no wouldn't leave.

I very much doubt there are no other red flags, as this behaviour is quite the leap from ‘A1 dad’.

But even if that’s the case, and even if he has never done it before and never does it again, slapping someone across the face is next level.

We wonder why so many men are absuive, why so many women and children live in miserable situations - one reason is that there’s no consequence for them when they hurt others. OP is doing exactly the right thing in showing her son there is no excuse for this behaviour.

Blueberry911 · 22/12/2023 20:33

DragonFly98 · 22/12/2023 20:27

You are very naive, a five year old will forget the time daddy lost his temper and smacked him very quickly. They will never forget living in a broken home. You don't take the right for a child to grow up with both parents unless it's for a very serious incident or repeated acts.
It was a horrible thing to do but the person that will suffer most if they split up is the child.

Show quote history

I'm naive because I wouldn't stay with a man who would slap my 5 year old on the face and then say "he deserved it"? OP also has no proof this is a stand alone incident. I wouldn't be risking anything, but that's just me. A naive mother over here.

AInightingale · 22/12/2023 20:33

Frustrated parent can smack their kid on the backside, okay not ideal but once the norm, but a smack across the FACE, are you kidding? That's abuse.

TheDogThatBarked · 22/12/2023 20:33

DragonFly98 · 22/12/2023 20:20

You are not a child protection social worker. If you were you would know this is not crime in England.

Show quote history

It likely is a crime. It is straightforwardly illegal except where classed as reasonable chastisement. The fact that he was hit around the face most likely takes it straight out of the 'reasonable chastisement' bracket and into criminal territory.
You don't know what you're talking about.

Pebbles16 · 22/12/2023 20:33

@Lwrenagain
Thank you. There has been police involvement this week.
We have a lot of family responsibilities for Christmas and are working to get through it. We shall see what the new year brings

Lannielou · 22/12/2023 20:35

My ex husband threatened to thump my daughter. He was gone very quickly

Veryirritating · 22/12/2023 20:36

ChihuahuaMummy · 22/12/2023 20:03

@NeonSoda Are you from the same generation as me? It was fairly normal for us growing up and kids at school would get the odd smack from their parents too. We even had a teacher who smacked a pupil on his back.

My dad used to hit us repeatedly round the head and he was completely out of control when he did it. Sometimes it came out of nowhere and we used to flinch if he made any unexpected movements in case it was coming. My friends mum used to take her slippper off and chase her and hit her with that. This was done in front of me so obviously wasn’t thought to be anything wrong.

Blueberry911 · 22/12/2023 20:36

Lannielou · 22/12/2023 20:35

My ex husband threatened to thump my daughter. He was gone very quickly

This. Good for you and your daughter x

OrangeDragon91 · 22/12/2023 20:36

If he had slapped OP across the face in anger would anyone defending him, still be defending him???? If it’s not ok to slap your partner/ wife around the face, it’s not ok to slap a child!!!!

ChihuahuaMummy · 22/12/2023 20:38

@Veryirritating That's so awful, no child should have to experience what you went through 😔

autienotnaughty · 22/12/2023 20:38

I don't agree with smacking at all. But if it had been a reflex tap at the leg/bottom I could probably forgive it.
A slap around the face is more deliberate and whilst no hitting is good it's definitely worse than hitting bottom or a limb.
I would log it with police and yes that would be it for me. Very shocking and abrupt way for a marriage to end. I really feel for you.
If you do decide to end the marriage make sure your son doesn't connect the dots and blame himself for the break up.

Original poster
Silentflights · 22/12/2023 20:38

There has been no red flags as far as violence goes (as far as I know), but generally he isn't a very engaged parent and never has been. He really wanted a child and we discussed it at length before TTC, but just hasn't been that bothered since DS was born. I have discussed with friends leaving before because it was upsetting that he didn't make an effort with DS- he isn't neglectful but also will just do the bare minimum really, DS adores him which is even sadder. Have spoken about it before and he will make an effort for a few days and then go back to being pretty cold. I guess the reason as soon as it happened I knew I needed to go was because although our relationship has always been fine, my guard is up with DS as I'm acutely aware that his bare minimum isn't good for DS either. A slap certainly isn't on top of that. Hadn't really realised before typing this out and thinking about it that it adds another dimension for me; slapping a child is always abhorrent but I guess when it's done to one you know the parent can't really be bothered with makes it worse.

OP posts:
unrsnblyannoyd · 22/12/2023 20:39

Are you and DS safe OP? If not, phone 999. If you can safely leave and DS would see it as an adventure rather than trauma I can understand that. In which case get to your brothers then telephone police. They will need to inform social care (formerly known as social services). Please, please, please do NOT be frightened of this. Your "D" H has assaulted a child, that needs addressing but providing you are open and honest SC can help and support you. There's no going back from this. Those of you saying otherwise, give your bloody heads a wobble. I don't care if the 5 year old was swinging from his neck playing Bohemian Rhapsody on a drum set while throwing ice water down his back - he's an adult who hit an excited five year old. No excuses, no "losing his cool" bullshit justifies that.

samqueens · 22/12/2023 20:39

OP - I’m so sorry this has happened to your little one and to you.

I really recommend you read the book Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft (download on kindle/Apple Books apps). It may reasonate with you beyond this incident in terms of your relationship but, even if not, it will give you some really useful ideas about how to frame what happened and what happens next for both yourself and for your son, in a way that is honest and sets clear boundaries, but which is also factual.

You don’t have to demonise his father to draw a line under this behaviour. Explaining what’s happened/happening isn’t really about feelings - it’s about actions, boundaries, consequences.

The book really helped me see the patterns and behaviour I didn’t want my children to learn and which I wouldn’t want them to accept in a relationship - its compassionate and gets right to the heart of the matter.

good luck.

Ticklemeharder · 22/12/2023 20:39

MindatWork · 22/12/2023 20:05

Everyone joining this thread please read ops updates - I can only hope some of the posters minimising this or comparing it to themselves losing their tag with their own kids hasn’t done this because:

  • He showed no remorse
  • He said DS ‘deserved it’
  • OP has said he doesn’t really bother with DS so is unlikely to go for 50/50 custody
  • It happened when she was out of the room so has probably happened before.

This is NOT the same a generally good and loving parent losing their rag once, smacking on the bum or leg and being mortified and upset they’ve hurt their child, followed by putting measures in place to make sure it never happens again. This is a grown man slapping a 5 year old ROUND THE FACE and not giving a shit.

And there is no way on gods green earth that if a mum posted on here saying she’d slapped her 5yo DS round the face (and said they deserved it) she be given sympathy and support.

Well done for leaving OP, you’re doing the best for your DS.

All this. I was possibly on the fence from the original OP wondering how it happened and why dad lost his rag but the updates are truly horrifying. Yes to leaving and protecting your poor boy. I’d also report to the police in this instance as evidence in any custody battle.

Veryirritating · 22/12/2023 20:40

ChihuahuaMummy · 22/12/2023 20:38

@Veryirritating That's so awful, no child should have to experience what you went through 😔

I don’t think it was out of the ordinary for those times (I’m in my mid fifties)

ChihuahuaMummy · 22/12/2023 20:41

@Veryirritating That could be the case. I know some parents back in the day used to use slippers and belts. My father in law had scars from it.

oakleaffy · 22/12/2023 20:41

''He had the nerve to be upset because I as a grown woman still flinched whenever he made a sudden move''

@IncompleteSenten
I knocked some coffee over on a desk at work, and the manager leaned towards the desk fast- instinctively I flinched- and was so embarrassed afterwards.

The manager was just reaching for some tissues and to move stuff out of the way, but he asked in private if I'd ever been hit.

That flinch response with flickering eyes.

Animals show it too.
You can tell if an animal has been hit in the past by how they react to a human hand.

fr4zzledmum · 22/12/2023 20:41

Sintel · 22/12/2023 18:57

No I wouldn't if there were no other red flags. He's lots his rag. Plenty of mums on here have admitted to giving their kid a slap in a red mist moment and simply been told to move on. You need more help with your parenting strategies and to work together.

The cold truth is that it's perfectly legal to smack your kid if you so choose. There's no reason to think he wouldn't get 50:50 and you wouldn't be there to help facilitate the relationship. So no wouldn't leave.

It's illegal here in Wales.

DragonFly98 · 22/12/2023 20:41

Blueberry911 · 22/12/2023 20:33

I'm naive because I wouldn't stay with a man who would slap my 5 year old on the face and then say "he deserved it"? OP also has no proof this is a stand alone incident. I wouldn't be risking anything, but that's just me. A naive mother over here.

Show quote history

You are naive to think one smack although awful, is more determental to a child than not growing up in a home with mum and dad together. All that will happen is the child will live with his dad part of the week and his mum the rest. How is that in his best interests?

Original poster
Silentflights · 22/12/2023 20:41

Sending love to all of you, especially those speaking of their past.

I am wondering how to talk through things with DS but for now he's asleep and safe and I'm wrapped up with a hot chocolate, being waited on hand and foot by my lovely DB and his wonderful wife. I will read through all of the posts but going to have a proper chat with them for now so will be offline for a bit.

I do really appreciate the replies, I am fortunate enough to have a real life support network but I don't feel up to all of the messages and offers of help this evening (I know that sounds ungrateful and I do realise I am so privileged to have them) but will do for sure tomorrow.

OP posts: