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Original poster

Would you leave your partner if they hit your child?

388 replies

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 18:52

Hello,

I don't feel ready to talk about it in real life, but this evening my partner slapped our son in the face. He is 5, he has been hyper today but its all of the excitement and change of routine- he's not been lashing out or anything else (not that it would make it acceptable anyway); I am horrified. I asked him to leave immediately and he's gone to his brothers but he will be back I'm sure. He's never even really raised his voice before (and I've been with him for 9 years), definitely never been violent. I don't think I'm being dramatic in not forgiving this though, he could have walked away if he was getting wound up. I don't trust him around DS anymore and I don't want DS to think this behaviour is acceptable.

I don't know if it's rash to leave because of this one incident, but I always promised myself that if any man was abusive towards our child I'd leave immediately and I want to. Its throwing away stability and an otherwise decent relationship- but anyone would do the same right? Or would you?

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 22/12/2023 19:02

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 18:57

This is something I'm unsure of. He loves spending time at his uncles so a last minute sleepover is brilliant in his mind, but aware I can't leave it too long before he asks questions especially when it's clear dad has gone (or we have gone depending how the logistics go).

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Take everything step by step. For now, just get some space.

FWIW I think you're doing absolutely the right thing. Abuse is never acceptable and too many women tolerate it because it's never happened before.

Fixesplease · 22/12/2023 19:02

Christ, that's not a tap on a nappied bum! ( Not saying that's okay btw!)
But he slapped your 5 year old on the face.. wtaf.
No, he's tiny, you need to protect your child.

I'm so sorry this is happening in your and your sons life.

Protect him. Please.

MeinKraft · 22/12/2023 19:02

I wouldn't leave the house if I were you. Why should you and DS leave? Your DH is out, tell him to stay out or you'll ring the police. And if he doesn't listen, do ring them.

Dacadactyl · 22/12/2023 19:02

Milliemoos5 · 22/12/2023 18:59

Wtf?!theres Nothing to get to the bottom of… wow I’m shocked by your reply.

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I think there's plenty to get to the bottom of. It's out of character and they've been together 9 years.

What's going on with her DH that meant this has happened? Plenty of mums have lashed out at their kids (as another poster has already stated)

Edited to add: I would never "try to get to the bottom of it" with a man who is not my child's father tho.

Original poster
Silentflights · 22/12/2023 19:05

Passthegin99 · 22/12/2023 18:58

What was your DH's reaction after he did it?

I think he was hoping I wouldn't know, but i was heading up to the toilet and heard what sounded like a slap and was horrified when I went in and saw DS- he said well he deserved it and walked downstairs as if nothing had happened. I prioritised making sure DS was okay and then once he was settled tried to talk about it but he didn't want to know.

Thanks for the messages, my DB is here playing with DS whilst I get a bag ready before we head over to his, so I best get the bag sorted but I'll read through later. It's useful to get different points of view as I'm still running on adrenaline I think.

OP posts:
ConnieCroydon · 22/12/2023 19:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

MotherofAllMatriarchs · 22/12/2023 19:05

If it’s totally out of character and he has never raised a voice in 9 years i’d suggest counselling to work through it myself.

SumthingAndNuthing · 22/12/2023 19:05

I can’t believe the apologists on here! The sooner smacking is outlawed in England the better. It wasn’t a tap on the bum, it was a slap around the face in anger

Ostryga · 22/12/2023 19:06

Some women so desperate for a man they’d allow him to hit a child in the face. Honestly makes me sick.

Veryirritating · 22/12/2023 19:06

Dacadactyl · 22/12/2023 19:02

I think there's plenty to get to the bottom of. It's out of character and they've been together 9 years.

What's going on with her DH that meant this has happened? Plenty of mums have lashed out at their kids (as another poster has already stated)

Edited to add: I would never "try to get to the bottom of it" with a man who is not my child's father tho.

Edited
Show quote history

I agree with this. Ignore the posters who are encouraging you to split up your family over one slap in 5 years. You need to speak to your partner to find out what is going on for him.

Hubblebubble · 22/12/2023 19:08

The place of the hit is important as head injuries in young children can be fatal.

SumthingAndNuthing · 22/12/2023 19:09

@Silentflights, you need to try and find out (gently) if he has hit DS before? He wasn’t going to tell you about it, you only know what went on because you heard the slap, so it must have been a hard one.

Hubblebubble · 22/12/2023 19:11

From a safeguarding perspective, if he tells his teacher and you haven't taken action to protect DS (which you are) you'll be treated as if you were enabling it

avocadotofu · 22/12/2023 19:12

Yes I would.

Dacadactyl · 22/12/2023 19:12

Hubblebubble · 22/12/2023 19:08

The place of the hit is important as head injuries in young children can be fatal.

Yes and I dp agree that a slap in the face is infinitely worse than a slap to the leg.

I would have to play it by ear in your shoes OP. I would look at a number of factors e.g DH past behaviour, current stressors, DS reaction, was a mark left etc.

I'm not trying to say your DH has done nothing wrong, just that i wouldn't have a knee jerk reaction in the long term.

A lot of it would depend on how visceral my reaction was.

CherryBlossom321 · 22/12/2023 19:12

Yes. Please protect your son.

beastlyslumber · 22/12/2023 19:13

Jesus, are you serious? You'd let a grown man assault your small child?

Fuck that.

Listen, if he says, "I fucked up, I'm so ashamed, I can't believe I was capable of doing such a heinous thing, I'm leaving the family home so you can feel safe and I'm going to find a therapist immediately," then maybe at some point down the line, you might think about considering trying to rebuild the trust.

But what did this man do, after slapping his tiny child around the face? Refused to even talk about it.

And you think it would be a shame to throw him out?

WingingItSince1973 · 22/12/2023 19:13

SumthingAndNuthing · 22/12/2023 19:09

@Silentflights, you need to try and find out (gently) if he has hit DS before? He wasn’t going to tell you about it, you only know what went on because you heard the slap, so it must have been a hard one.

This is a thought. You wouldn't have known about this one if you hadn't been there. Did he leave a mark on his face? Poor little boy must be so shocked 😢

Passthegin99 · 22/12/2023 19:14

Oh crikey poor you. I do think I would leave in that case, yes. My DS is 5. I know how challenging they can be but his reaction suggests if you let this slide it will happen again and possibly worse next time. I'm so sorry this has happened. Good luck

Timeturnerplease · 22/12/2023 19:15

Sadly my safeguarding training suggests that there’s a chance that he’s done this before, especially when your son was younger and not likely to tell you about it. Something to (gently) explore at another time.

Make sure your son’s school know about this before he mentions it, and that they know that you are taking steps to ensure his safety. Absolutely report this to the police and get written evidence of this.

I’m glad your son is ok.

beastlyslumber · 22/12/2023 19:15

I think he was hoping I wouldn't know, but i was heading up to the toilet and heard what sounded like a slap and was horrified when I went in and saw DS- he said well he deserved it and walked downstairs as if nothing had happened.

Yeah, it quite possibly isn't the first time it's happened - just the first time you know about.

What was your son's reaction? If he didn't cry out in shock, then highly likely he's got used to these attacks. I really hope not.

beastlyslumber · 22/12/2023 19:17

I also agree with pp to report this to the police.

Northernsouloldies · 22/12/2023 19:17

A hit to the face /head cannot be ignored. It will happen again because that line has been crossed its similar to domestic violence it has to start somewhere.

Catsknowbest · 22/12/2023 19:18

Yes.

AluckyEllie · 22/12/2023 19:18

If he was horrified at his actions and immediately apologised to his child, was distraught I would give it more thought. If it was a smack on the bottom or hand- this was a whack across the face. The fact he thought it was okay because ‘he deserved it’ and just left the room would be an absolute ltb. Also, the fact he did it so casually would make me think he’s done it before.

I’d call the police to get it recorded because I’d want it on record with the divorce/custody arrangements.