Would you leave your partner if they hit your child?

[Silentflights]

Hello,

I don't feel ready to talk about it in real life, but this evening my partner slapped our son in the face. He is 5, he has been hyper today but its all of the excitement and change of routine- he's not been lashing out or anything else (not that it would make it acceptable anyway); I am horrified. I asked him to leave immediately and he's gone to his brothers but he will be back I'm sure. He's never even really raised his voice before (and I've been with him for 9 years), definitely never been violent. I don't think I'm being dramatic in not forgiving this though, he could have walked away if he was getting wound up. I don't trust him around DS anymore and I don't want DS to think this behaviour is acceptable.

I don't know if it's rash to leave because of this one incident, but I always promised myself that if any man was abusive towards our child I'd leave immediately and I want to. Its throwing away stability and an otherwise decent relationship- but anyone would do the same right? Or would you?

I agree, I would want to explore what lead to this. I agree we see posts here a lot where mums have smacked their child in a moment of madness. I once threw a glass of water in my 15yr old son’s face in a moment of rage - not my finest moment but I’m human, and he’s 30 now and we are close as mum and son can be. Obviously not condoning or excusing it, it’s really shitty behaviour and no justification for it. But I wouldn’t necessarily end a good relationship over one incident. I’d be demanding he sought some help to explore what led to this and I’d be very careful of leaving my child with him.

Sorry, I thought it was clear from the context. You said you were being a shit; you were 13 and had a mother who couldn't stay in control as a parent and assaulted you, so whatever behaviour you were displaying, I expect you learned from her. She certainly wasn't setting an example in de-escalation and anger management.

Shit parents. Model shit behaviour then hit kids for it.

Yes this.

Definitely this

It’s illegal in Wales and Scotland. Depends where you are OP?

Anything more recent than 2009 this time?!

@NonPlayerCharacter

You're making wild assumptions about someone you don't know on the internet and with zero knowledge of the context or family circumstances.

Fortunately I can say that despite the one off event when I was slapped as a teenager, she is a wonderful mum and nan who is still very much in my life and always will be.

Night!

Thankfully, it is illegal here. I would not think twice about ringing the police.

Your mother, the grown up, was in a situation with her child which she failed to manage until it escalated and she then assaulted her child. So yes, shitty behaviour most definitely modelled there. No assumptions, just cold hard facts. If that had been a boyfriend, you'd have ended the relationship for being abusive, unless of course this experience taught you that was OK too.

I do forget sometimes that a lot of people just can't accept their parents were wrong, though. They'll often even fall out with their own siblings rather than accept the damage was from the parent, although I'm going on a bit of a tangent now.

Night to you, too. Don't escalate situations with kids who are much younger than you and then hit them. It's shit parenting and teaches bad behaviour.

Going by your first op then no I wouldn't. I would rule out dh having a previous head concussion, bleed on the brain, water infection and other health conditions that might impede his judgment.
Looking through the rest of your responses, yes he seems like deadweight anyway.

Smacking a child to discipline them should be a reasonable discussion between mum and dad about if and when. But hitting a child across the face when mum has already decided she would leave a man who did this, would suggest he knew he was about to cross a boundary that was already set.

My comments are not nasty you are clearly confused in what you are reading or just angry because I don't agree with you.
I would be genuinely gutted to thing of a little boy not growing up with his mum and dad over one slap it's heartbreaking to think that. I do support the op I want her to be able to think of the 9 years of non violence support her dh to get help and for her family to stay together. It's hard to think clearly and rationally when you are so upset especially when it involves your child.

I would be genuinely gutted to thing of a little boy not growing up with his mum and dad over one slap it's heartbreaking to think that. I do support the op I want her to be able to think of the 9 years of non violence

Would you like a cup of tea with a teaspoon of shit in it? 95% of it is fine. I'd hate you to miss out on this lovely cup of tea, it's only 5% turd.

Did you read the ops updates where she describes this man as not giving a shit about his kid?

I think what's heartbreaking is a child growing up living with a father who doesn't give a fuck. That does far more damage to a child than not living with him.

Yes, I would leave. I would also report this.

If your child asks I would be honest with them on an age appropriate way. That Mum and Dad are having some time apart because Mum saw Dad hitting them and it never okay for an adult to hit a child. Dad needs some time to think about what happened and part of Mums job is keeping them safe so they are going to stay at uncles for a while until Mum and Dad can talk.
Children manage things much better when adults are honest with them. It will allow discussion about if it is the first time it has happened and also so that you are happy to talk with them about what they are thinking and feeing. If everything is secret, children are more likely to think it’s because of something they have done and this can cause more damage to their well-being.

@Silentflights i will admit that over 20 years ago I have slapped my child after an awful day of misbehaving from them. I immediately felt sick. I apologised. I discussed with them why I should not have done that and how I will behave in future and that I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.

I still feel disgusted at myself to this day.

what makes your DPs behaviour worse is his attitude after. “He deserved it..”.

that’s disgusting behaviour. Does he slap people in the work place and his mates? Or just 5 year olds?

combined with your other comments on his lacklustre parenting etc I would never trust him with your child again and I do feel that separation would be best. Your child deserves a better home life as do you.

Just to warn you, if you don't report this it's highly likely your sons school will as he is likely to mention it to someone.
I speak from experience, my abusive ex partner took our son out for a couple of hours and during that time lost his temper wirh him, was aggressive and pinned him to a wall. My son disclosed this at school and we had police and social services involvement. I stopped all contact with the children and my ex. He took it to court, and was only initially allowed Supervised contact with the children.
Please do not let him get away with this. It is abusive and you need to safeguard your son. Big hugs x

@NonPlayerCharacter

Where have I said she wasn't wrong?

I said that I was being a horrible teenage shit. In fact, I was screaming in her face because she was late to collect me from a horse riding lesson late at night. I remember it vividly. It was a one of event which never occurred again. We have a normal, functioning, healthy relationship and we have spoken about that night as adults on more than one occasion.

Had that event been reported at the time, social services would not have intervened. I know this because I have submitted many MARFs to social services myself as a DSL in the last 6 years. There is very a high threshold to reach a section 47 assessment for Child In Need or Child Protection.

Most 13 year olds don't have boyfriends btw - not sure of the relevance of that point.

my Initial thought is absolutely leave him.

then I thought about a female friend of mine who admitted that she lost her temper with her 2 yo and slapped her full across the face. I was so shocked. I haven’t reported her and I won’t as I wasn’t there to witness it etc. do I think she should still live with her child? Be with her husband? Feel a bit conflicted about it.
I’ve realised it’s not quite as black and white as I wanted to think it was

Personally this would be a deal breaker for me - but equally I’d be concerned about custody and leaving DS with him in that situation.

Kids can be annoying but slapping a 5yo in the face is really unnecessary. Is there something your husband can do to manage how he reacts to things? Was it an anger issue, or sensory overwhelm, or something else?

Is there someone in your network that you can flag this to?

Sorry you’re going through this, it must be horrible to see someone hurt your child.

I doubt anything would happen if you reported it since it’s not illegal. The only impact is that they’d likely figure out you’d reported it

edited to add that this was in response to an above comment about slapping a 2yo!

Obviously I'd get him the hell out.

Most 13 year olds don't have boyfriends btw - not sure of the relevance of that point.

Dear God, you don't know why it's relevant to teach teenagers not to accept assault in relationships. I really do forget the lengths to which people will go to excuse abusive parenting. I don't relate, I guess. And yes, I'm sure SS would not intervene. The law on child assault was even shitter back then than it is now.

Your mother, the grown up, chose not to model anger management and de-escalation and instead assaulted you, and for all your expostulation, damn, you remember it. X years later I talk about it on the Internet and I'm the bad guy. Like I said, I forget how much people will do to excuse crap parenting. I just don't relate.

You're trying to conceive? Good luck, I hope you are successful. Don't hit your kids. It's very bad parenting. And don't imagine that what you show them at home isn't relevant for when they start dating.

If my partner slapped our child in front of me... I would start to wonder what he'd do to that child when I wasn't standing there, I'm afraid.

At the end of the day, we choose to be with our partners, but our children don't choose to be born. We ultimately make that decision for them, so the least that we, as their mothers, can do is go above and beyond to make sure that they're safe and well-cared for, that they grow in an environment where they don't walk on eggshells for fear of getting a smack, or (and this isn't the case here, one hopes) emotionally/sexually abused by someone pertaining to be their father.

I think this poster sums it up quite well.

As with a lot of one off/impulsive mistakes in life the most telling thing isn’t what the person did, but how they felt about themselves after doing it.