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Original poster

Would you leave your partner if they hit your child?

388 replies

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 18:52

Hello,

I don't feel ready to talk about it in real life, but this evening my partner slapped our son in the face. He is 5, he has been hyper today but its all of the excitement and change of routine- he's not been lashing out or anything else (not that it would make it acceptable anyway); I am horrified. I asked him to leave immediately and he's gone to his brothers but he will be back I'm sure. He's never even really raised his voice before (and I've been with him for 9 years), definitely never been violent. I don't think I'm being dramatic in not forgiving this though, he could have walked away if he was getting wound up. I don't trust him around DS anymore and I don't want DS to think this behaviour is acceptable.

I don't know if it's rash to leave because of this one incident, but I always promised myself that if any man was abusive towards our child I'd leave immediately and I want to. Its throwing away stability and an otherwise decent relationship- but anyone would do the same right? Or would you?

OP posts:
LaughingCat · 22/12/2023 20:14

It’s the lack of remorse you describe in his attitude afterwards that would do it for me and I wouldn’t be able to stay.

I’m biased - my mother spent half my life flying into a rage and giving me a slap…that turned into two slaps…that turned into several round the head…that turned into choking me by the collar of my shirt with one hand while kicking me and slapping me round the head with the other. Afterwards, it was always ‘a proportionate response and if I hadn’t done something wrong, I wouldn’t have deserved it’. Even when she stopped hitting me (when I finally realised at 12 that I was as tall as her and went to smack back), she’d still lose her temper and destroy my belongings instead.

So, be aware that I am framing my response in reaction to my abuse, not what happened to your son. But growing up as I did…I wouldn’t ever take the chance that he wouldn’t do it again, and more, if he doesn’t see anything wrong with it now.

caringcarer · 22/12/2023 20:14

Veryirritating · 22/12/2023 19:06

I agree with this. Ignore the posters who are encouraging you to split up your family over one slap in 5 years. You need to speak to your partner to find out what is going on for him.

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OP doesn't know if it's happening before. She can't be certain this is the first time because she only found out coincidentally. I'd be asking DC if he had ever been hit before by partner.

2mummies1baby · 22/12/2023 20:15

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 19:05

I think he was hoping I wouldn't know, but i was heading up to the toilet and heard what sounded like a slap and was horrified when I went in and saw DS- he said well he deserved it and walked downstairs as if nothing had happened. I prioritised making sure DS was okay and then once he was settled tried to talk about it but he didn't want to know.

Thanks for the messages, my DB is here playing with DS whilst I get a bag ready before we head over to his, so I best get the bag sorted but I'll read through later. It's useful to get different points of view as I'm still running on adrenaline I think.

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This reaction tells you everything you need to know. You absolutely have to leave him. I'm so sorry, OP, what a horrible situation for you. I'm so glad you have your brother to stay with and to support you both. Xx

Pebbles16 · 22/12/2023 20:15

Dear OP.
As a person who experienced childhood abuse and now puts up with abuse as an adult, please continue to back up your child in this situation.

DragonFly98 · 22/12/2023 20:16

No I wouldn't , growing up without his mum and dad will cause far more trauma. Being without his dad at Christmas will cause more trauma. Mothers too occasionally snap it's far from ok but once in 9 years he is not a violent man. Move on and insist he gets parenting support for your little boys sake he won't thank you for it.

Wimpeyspread · 22/12/2023 20:18

ChihuahuaMummy · 22/12/2023 20:03

@NeonSoda Are you from the same generation as me? It was fairly normal for us growing up and kids at school would get the odd smack from their parents too. We even had a teacher who smacked a pupil on his back.

I’m late 60s - it was normal in my childhood, also at school. Was it normal in DH’s family?

Mirrormeback · 22/12/2023 20:18

It has to be said

How often has this been going on when you've not been around

This could very well not be the first time something like this has happened

You're going to have to gently talk to your DS to find out if he's been hit before, if he's been asked not to say, and what the consequences might be from DH if he were to tell you

It's a bit of a minefield now

Terrribletwos · 22/12/2023 20:19

Pebbles16 · 22/12/2023 20:15

Dear OP.
As a person who experienced childhood abuse and now puts up with abuse as an adult, please continue to back up your child in this situation.

Sorry to hear that but why are you still putting up with abuse?

Falalalalaa · 22/12/2023 20:19

Partypop · 22/12/2023 19:53

This is really interesting, I agree with all the posters saying abuse and chuck him out BTW, it’s totally wrong. However, if you search the many threads on mumsnet where mothers are admitting they lost it and smacked their child, the replies are very different.

Please link a post where a mother has hit her small child around the face, shown no remorse afterwards and said the words “they deserved it”, because anything else is not comparable.

DragonFly98 · 22/12/2023 20:20

sukisuky · 22/12/2023 19:36

As a social worker, you need to report this to the police asap. Especially if you are planning on leaving him etc.

You are not a child protection social worker. If you were you would know this is not crime in England.

Balloonhearts · 22/12/2023 20:20

No I wouldn't if there were no other red flags. He's lots his rag. Plenty of mums on here have admitted to giving their kid a slap in a red mist moment and simply been told to move on. You need more help with your parenting strategies and to work together.

The cold truth is that it's perfectly legal to smack your kid if you so choose. There's no reason to think he wouldn't get 50:50 and you wouldn't be there to help facilitate the relationship. So no wouldn't leave.

It wasn't really a smack though was it? There's a world of difference between a smacked bum when they won't stop playing with the oven and a slap round the face.

There's no excuse for that. No mitigating circumstances that could possibly explain it. Yes I'd leave him. But he would be leaving the house not me.

Mirrormeback · 22/12/2023 20:21

@Terrribletwos

Because that's often how things work out sometimes for people who have been abused

It's far more complex than simply not letting things happen

Caththegreat · 22/12/2023 20:21

Yes it's appalling tho sure it happened a lot when I was a kid.however you women never give second chances do you? It's not about giving in to him but finding out why? Is he ill? Has he lost his job? Is he addicted? Yes of course women and children should not be abused or hurt but at least find out why ffs.If he has not done this before

Pebbles16 · 22/12/2023 20:21

Terrribletwos · 22/12/2023 20:19

Sorry to hear that but why are you still putting up with abuse?

Show quote history

Because I am VERY SLOWLY coming round to the idea that this isn't normal. And beginning to give less fucks in middle age

dawngreen · 22/12/2023 20:21

Was your child planned or not? Or has some thing happened to make your partner react the way he did? And no not sticking up for him, Just wondering why now.

oakleaffy · 22/12/2023 20:22

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 20:05

Thanks all, at my brothers now luckily it's not far away and DS is asleep. I wanted to leave the house just because I can't deal with him tonight if and when he comes back- not because I think he'll be violent (although who knows now) but just because it's very overwhelming and I need some space. He knows how I feel though, and logistically I am privileged enough to have options with housing (I inherited some money a few months back which I could use to rent somewhere if needed) so thankfully it's not a deal breaker if he comes back to our home. We pay 50/50 and the paperwork reflects that so can sort out sometime, just focusing on the coming days.

I do agree with those saying its out of character, but as PP has said I have no way to know if he's done it before. I don't think he has as he isn't alone with him much to be honest as pathetic as that is, he's not a very engaged parent. Its the lack of remorse that scared me as much as the actual slap I think, he didn't seem bothered and seemed annoyed I wanted to talk about it. Thankfully it hasn't left a mark, but do wonder if as has been said should report it on the non emergency line?

Our teachers used to smack, as did parents...and it always left a mark.
Raised parts between where the smacking fingers landed.

That's good that there is no mark...it can't have been a hard slap.

A dentist once spoke to my step mother in private..my molar had been cracked where dad had hit me really hard, causing a vertical crack.

Nothing was done... I was hit very hard, as was my brother..and it definitely had a psychological effect.

When dad was dying he said to the 'Golden' brother ''Oakleaffy....I was too hard on her'' I forgave him. He acknowledged it for the first time ever.

ChristmasMerry · 22/12/2023 20:23

Holy fuck, but the saying he deserves it and refusal to discuss it makes it worse.
call the police.
I always think of things as “what if he walked up and did this to a colleague in work” what would happen and should it be allowed? Nope. Police. The same with teenagers and undoing bras etc, not appropriate and needs dealing with as if an adult

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/12/2023 20:23

In the context you’ve written, yes I would leave.

Mischance · 22/12/2023 20:25

A one-off slap on leg/bum in an unguarded moment is forgivable - it is far from ideal and not good - but usually it is sufficient for a parent to think hard about their limitations and what made this happen so as to avoid a repeat. And the parent is usually in bits with remorse afterwards.

This man has slapped a child round the face and said the child deserved it. This is a wholly different scenario. I am so sorry this has happened, especially at this time of year.

Andthereyougo · 22/12/2023 20:26

“he said well he deserved it”
A 5 year old deserved to be slapped in the face? By an adult so much bigger and stronger than him? That is never acceptable.
Your husband doesn’t even seem shocked by his actions, or regretful, I’d be worried that a tiny bit more force could have knocked your son over.
Protect your son. I’d go to the police. .

Lwrenagain · 22/12/2023 20:27

@Pebbles16 if you need any help with anything practical to escape when you feel ready let me know and I'll try helping you as best as I can. Even if it's just phoning women's shelters and getting you a taxi to one with space, when you're ready, if you need me, I'm around.

@Silentflights How's your wee fella my love? You must be in awful shock and have loads to process right now.
I'm so sorry for you both.
My marriage ended when my xH chucked a large boot at my DS when he was still in his cot and hit his little face.
I'd put up with so much bollocks but that was the final straw. Please don't let him back, if you do it won't be an isolated incident.
Hes slapped your baby boy in the face, an excited kiddo days before Christmas.
Do you have anyone to tell IRL to support you?

DragonFly98 · 22/12/2023 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You are very naive, a five year old will forget the time daddy lost his temper and smacked him very quickly. They will never forget living in a broken home. You don't take the right for a child to grow up with both parents unless it's for a very serious incident or repeated acts.
It was a horrible thing to do but the person that will suffer most if they split up is the child.

MummyJ36 · 22/12/2023 20:28

Slapping a child, a 5 year old child, across the face is a different level of red mist. OP your instinct is absolutely correct to remove your poor DS from this horrifying situation. This is abuse. It is not “one moment of madness”. It is abuse. If my DH did this I would leave, it doesn’t matter who he was before, what he meant to me, anything. If he slapped my little DC across the face that would be me gone.

ChihuahuaMummy · 22/12/2023 20:28

@Wimpeyspread Do you mean my DH? Yeah he got the odd smack too, he's 48.

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