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Original poster

Teenagers and NYE

209 replies

chatenoire · 13/12/2023 08:48

Some very good family friends have invited us to their NYE party. Obviously we'd love to go, but our 13yo DD has decided that she's not coming.

I can't force her so the only options are that she stays at home or we stay at home with her. Neither option sounds ideal, so I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 14/12/2023 18:27

Watching a bunch of adults on here raging that a teenager had the temerity to express her preference about where she spent NYE and claiming the teenager is the inconsiderate one is darkly humorous.

I didn't spot any 'raging'. And I'm not sure anyone suggested that the dd shouldn't even have been allowed to express her preference. But it's just that - a preference. She's too young to leave at home, and the other members of the family want to go. Why should she get to call the shots?

tokesqueen · 14/12/2023 18:52

My 13 year old would have gone and hung out in the granny flat. Whether she wanted to or not.
At 13, you need to make sure she knows her wants don't override those of the rest of the family.
Set a precedent, you have a difficult few years coming.

AGoingConcern · 14/12/2023 18:53

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 14/12/2023 18:27

Watching a bunch of adults on here raging that a teenager had the temerity to express her preference about where she spent NYE and claiming the teenager is the inconsiderate one is darkly humorous.

I didn't spot any 'raging'. And I'm not sure anyone suggested that the dd shouldn't even have been allowed to express her preference. But it's just that - a preference. She's too young to leave at home, and the other members of the family want to go. Why should she get to call the shots?

She's not getting to "call the shots." The teenager wasn't trying to make everyone stay home entirely, she was looking for a solution that took everyone's wishes into account. And the family found one. Well done, all.

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13 year olds
Teledeluxe · 14/12/2023 18:53

If I was her I wouldn’t want to go either.

LyingLikeACheapCarpet · 14/12/2023 18:56

AGoingConcern · 14/12/2023 18:53

She's not getting to "call the shots." The teenager wasn't trying to make everyone stay home entirely, she was looking for a solution that took everyone's wishes into account. And the family found one. Well done, all.

Show quote history

Agree, it is worrying to see so many adults with such fragile egos.

I think you have come up with a good solution OP.

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/12/2023 19:22

Teledeluxe · 14/12/2023 18:53

If I was her I wouldn’t want to go either.

@Teledeluxe

why?

Loobeylooooo · 14/12/2023 19:30

tokesqueen · 14/12/2023 18:52

My 13 year old would have gone and hung out in the granny flat. Whether she wanted to or not.
At 13, you need to make sure she knows her wants don't override those of the rest of the family.
Set a precedent, you have a difficult few years coming.

Absolutely this, you are the parent, 13 year old is still a child and does not dictate social events. You are making a rod for your own back if you don’t.

LoreleiG · 14/12/2023 19:35

I wouldn’t go in this situation. Obviously having assessed how reasonable it is for my 13 year old to have refused of course.

ChilledToTheBone · 14/12/2023 19:35

Sorry but i wouldn't. At 13 she shouldn't be alone overnight or even until early hours.

I have teens pre teens and young adults and they wouldn't have been allowed the choice that young. She goes and that's that. She can either play her switch in annex, join in the fun, or sulk.

user1471447924 · 14/12/2023 19:39

What actually happened to children doing as they’re told?

hangingonfordearlife1 · 14/12/2023 19:43

At 13 she would have to come with us. It's a family occasion and i wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her alone, i would feel very sad about it.

Perfectlystill · 14/12/2023 19:47

I would take a 13 year old with me, no question.

Far too young g to be left home alone with a friend and booze all night on NYE

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 14/12/2023 19:54

She's not getting to "call the shots." The teenager wasn't trying to make everyone stay home entirely, she was looking for a solution that took everyone's wishes into account. And the family found one. Well done, all.

Did you read a different OP? The 13yo 'decided she wasn't coming'. The OP offered two compromises (take a friend / use the granny flat), which the dd rejected. It's pretty clear who's looking for solutions.

AGoingConcern · 14/12/2023 19:55

user1471447924 · 14/12/2023 19:39

What actually happened to children doing as they’re told?

Some people realized that those children are actually young people who will soon become adults and also need to learn things like compassion, seeking out mutually agreeable solutions, avoidance of excessive black and white thinking, and respect for others (not just obedience to authority, but actually treating everyone with respect).

There should be times in a teen's life when they are expected to simply adhere to rules and authority, times when they are expected to put others' happiness first, times when they get to be the person whose happiness is centered, and times when they need to collaborate on a reasonable solution that addresses everyone's wants and needs as a family or group.

beautifullittletree · 14/12/2023 20:01

hangingonfordearlife1 · 14/12/2023 19:43

At 13 she would have to come with us. It's a family occasion and i wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her alone, i would feel very sad about it.

I don't think 'it's a family occasion' works as a valid reason to go to your friends tbh.

Whataretheodds · 14/12/2023 20:01

@AGoingConcern which type was this? Because they haven't put others first or collaborated on a solution

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/12/2023 20:09

beautifullittletree · 14/12/2023 20:01

I don't think 'it's a family occasion' works as a valid reason to go to your friends tbh.

Show quote history

@beautifullittletree

what just cos it’s not soft play does that mean it’s not a family thing? They were all invited so 🤷‍♀️

AGoingConcern · 14/12/2023 20:14

@Whataretheodds it was the latter. Perhaps you missed the most recent update from OP, who seems content with the plan they came up with.

beautifullittletree · 14/12/2023 20:15

Deleted as I replied to a poster thinking they were the person I had initially quoted.

Lollipop25 · 14/12/2023 20:31

Madness that a 13 yr old dictates at all. She would be going to the party whether she wanted to or not.

Teledeluxe · 14/12/2023 20:33

She maybe doesn’t enjoy being around folk drinking alcohol.

McVittieBiscuit · 14/12/2023 22:56

She’s 13 not 18 and you’re also taking your 4 year old. So this is a family invite.

The hosts have graciously offered the granny flat for your convenience, so clearly really want you there.

I don’t remember having autonomy at that age, or my parents catering to my whims.

I wouldn’t leave her alone, but also wouldn’t be having her dictate my plans for the evening. She can stay in the granny flat with whichever streaming service/gaming device she likes and be as “bored” as she would be at home.

AuntMarch · 15/12/2023 06:57

I am all for giving kids choices, I do a lot more than other parents in my friendship group, but sometimes those choices arent going to include their exact preference and they have to meet you in the middle somewhere. One persons wants dont trump everyone elses.

if dd was keen to spend the evening together as a family playing games and eating snacks etc then I'd absolutely stay home with her. But if she's just going to be sitting in her room with the cat then no, she can have her time to herself in the granny flat at the party. I can't think of a reason that isn't a reasonable compromise unless I've missed a drip feed.

Original poster
chatenoire · 15/12/2023 07:31

Just a quick update... After having a chat about the plans, she ultimately decided that she'd come with us as there was no real big difference between staying at home and coming with us.

I told he that her place for NYE was still with her family and that who knows she might actually enjoy the party.

BTW she enjoys spending time with adults but not being forced to "make friends" with kids her age. That was the crux of the whole thing.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 15/12/2023 07:41

Sounds ideal! Good result. Especially as there is a space for her to slope off to if wants to FaceTime her friends etc. She is included in the family invite and is still young so is part of the family.

It is a tricky in between age but I do think it’s too much to expect parents to give up their social lives entirely to sit with the teen. They need to learn the world doesn’t revolve around them.