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Original poster

Teenagers and NYE

209 replies

chatenoire · 13/12/2023 08:48

Some very good family friends have invited us to their NYE party. Obviously we'd love to go, but our 13yo DD has decided that she's not coming.

I can't force her so the only options are that she stays at home or we stay at home with her. Neither option sounds ideal, so I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Avacardo2023 · 14/12/2023 09:10

beautifullittletree · 14/12/2023 09:04

@FosterMommy13

if we were invited to an event as a family, we would all go whether we wanted to or not.

That's actually really weird

I assume they mean they would all go as a family even if one or two of the kids didn't want to go. Not that they would all go even if none of them wanted to go!

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 14/12/2023 09:34

Bringbackspangles · 14/12/2023 04:23

@chatenoire I think you are making a rod for your own back here. She is 13, so I’m afraid doesn’t get to decide how the family spends NYE. You cannot leave her alone (and she knows this and knows you won’t), you’ve offered quite reasonable solutions to her coming but staying in the granny flat or bringing a friend but she has declined those options too. Unless there is a more serious problem with the children of the hosts that you don’t realise, I’d be inclined to let her know that as a family you are going to friends and she is going.

This - she's only 13, you have years ahead of her dictating what the whole family should do - dance to her tune. There's compromise and then there's compromise - she can compromise for one night, especially as she would have the granny flat to chill out in.

As for those saying only ten minutes away why stay over - well, NYE is fraught with drink drivers - makes perfect sense to enjoy a drink, stay over, and keep off the roads and drive back next morning.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 14/12/2023 09:35

Read the update - The whole point of going to a NYE party is to see in the new year, so leaving at 11pm because a 13 year old effectively says so, is nuts.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

13 year olds
honoldbrist · 14/12/2023 09:56

Since when does a 13 year old get to decide what the family does on nye. From your op she has been invited. Its not about forcing but I would expect my children (and i have a 13 year old) to comply with family plans. Unless there is a massive back story here as to why she feels uncomfortable part of being a teen is rolling your eyes at the boring things you have to go to.

FrappuccinoLight · 14/12/2023 10:32

She’s only 13. She goes where she’s told until she’s legally old enough to make her own plans for NYE. Life does not revolve around a 13 year old. 2 years ago she was at primary school. She can bring her phone and switch and do whatever she would be doing at home on their sofa if she doesn’t want to join in. Children should not dictate family plans.

NorthernSpirit · 14/12/2023 10:39

Controversial opinion….

But since when did a 13 YO get to dictate the plans for the family?

She’s 13 - she goes. Or you could make a rod for your own back and let her derail the evening and you all suffer because of that.

Sometimes children need to consider other people & they don’t always get to do what they want to. The sooner she learns this the better.

cardibach · 14/12/2023 10:40

3luckystars · 13/12/2023 22:24

You have a 13 year old and a 4 year old. No I don’t think you can both go to a party for the night.

Why not? Why does having children prevent someone going to a party with families who also have children? Or families without if they can get a sitter...
'I'd rather stay home with the cat' is feeble OP. Take her and let her go into the granny flat.

cardibach · 14/12/2023 10:41

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 13/12/2023 22:44

So if you have a 4yo with you I presume you're not both drinking?? So can't one of you drive home?

Tho the real answer to 13yo is- you're coming. She can stay in the granny flat if she doesn't want to join in.

You cannot, cannot leave a 13 yo overnight.

Why would you presume that? I'd assume they wouldn't both be out of it with drink, but too many drinks to drive? Thats well within 'safe to parent a 4 year old' territory.

SquishyGloopyBum · 14/12/2023 10:43

chatenoire · 14/12/2023 04:01

We had a chat.

DD doesn't think she'll get to go to a friend's or vice versa because "kids our age want to spend NYE with their parents". So the compromise is that she stays home, and we come back around 11.

The plan b is to stay home and invite the friends that she likes... But I'd rather go to this party!

I think you made totally the wrong call here.

The compromise is all on you. You are allowing your teen to dictate plans.

Her staying in the granny flat was the compromise.

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/12/2023 11:20

cardibach · 14/12/2023 10:41

Why would you presume that? I'd assume they wouldn't both be out of it with drink, but too many drinks to drive? Thats well within 'safe to parent a 4 year old' territory.

Show quote history

@baileybrosbuildingandloan

yeah of course they can both have a few drinks whilst in charge of the 4 year old!

mytitshaveshrunk · 14/12/2023 12:17

"Mum, do I have to go to that party? It will be soooo boring"
"Yes, you do."
End of story. She's 13 FFS!

LlynTegid · 14/12/2023 12:27

I think you should decline. It's only New Year's Eve. Think of the cat as well!!

I'd think differently if it was for a one-off such as a Golden Wedding, or to celebrate some major award.

LlynTegid · 14/12/2023 12:28

And at least you can say no now, not on December 30th.

beautifullittletree · 14/12/2023 13:09

NorthernSpirit · 14/12/2023 10:39

Controversial opinion….

But since when did a 13 YO get to dictate the plans for the family?

She’s 13 - she goes. Or you could make a rod for your own back and let her derail the evening and you all suffer because of that.

Sometimes children need to consider other people & they don’t always get to do what they want to. The sooner she learns this the better.

Do you really think OP would 'suffer' by staying home and spending NYE as a family?

People are so quick to dismiss the feelings of the DD bc of her age. Sadly all too common on here.

FWIW I put my DC feeling before mine every time and there was no 'rod' - they grew up to be wonderful adults.

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/12/2023 13:19

beautifullittletree · 14/12/2023 13:09

Do you really think OP would 'suffer' by staying home and spending NYE as a family?

People are so quick to dismiss the feelings of the DD bc of her age. Sadly all too common on here.

FWIW I put my DC feeling before mine every time and there was no 'rod' - they grew up to be wonderful adults.

Show quote history

@beautifullittletree

well yeah she would suffer because if you ready her posts she has been very clear that she would like to go to this party with friends! Not everyone wants to stay in all cosy and play board games and watch films on NYE, believe it or not!

im sure OP does a lot for her daughter - would it really be so bad for daughter to suck it up for
ONE night of the year so that her mum can have a nice time on NYE with friends?

Donetrying1 · 14/12/2023 14:12

Oh for goodness sake this is bonkers!!
She may well not want to go but you’d be giving up a nice evening out just to accommodate her-she’s a child, she either comes with you and makes an effort for one evening or she comes with you and hangs out in the granny flat with screens/drinks/snacks etc.
Why are you letting yourself be dictated to by a child?? Presumably you’re not out every night of the week and this is a special occasion,it certainly wouldn’t kill her to come and all you’re teaching her is she makes a fuss, she gets her own way.

LinaLouLa · 14/12/2023 14:27

She's 13 and you're the parent. She shouldn't be dictating your plans. I'd tell her she was coming with us to the party, unless you are looking for a get out excuse.

TheaBrandt · 14/12/2023 15:05

Totally agree with last few posts. I am however seen as a meanie in my group of gentle parent type friends they would totally drop all adult plans to fit in with their teens.

JoyeuxNarwhal · 14/12/2023 16:11

I'd go for a few hours then head home and see the new year in with 13yo.

Actually that's a big lie. I'd go for a few hours and then come home and be tucked up in bed well before Big Ben starts bonging. Dc always up after me Blush

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 14/12/2023 16:19

In my opinion she's being a spoiled brat. We all have to do things we would rather not. It's a party, for FFS, not some kind of torture. She can deal with it for a few hours so her parents can let their hair down.

Unless you're regularly out partying, then you could use a few hours of fun. Don't be dictated to by a grumpy teenager. As a 13yo, I would have hated a party like this. Guess what, it would have been good for me to go and learn how to navigate that.

Not everything revolves around her. You've offered a reasonable alternative, she declined, so that's that! I can't believe you've given in.

TheaBrandt · 14/12/2023 16:33

What I’ve noticed about this generation (massive generalisation) is they don’t think of others. Does it not occur to her or bother her in the slightest that she’s trashing both of your NYE? It’s ALL about her.

Teenagers are naturally self absorbed it’s up to parents to teach them otherwise and I don’t think our generation of parents are doing so. My parents flipping did!

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/12/2023 16:44

cardibach · 14/12/2023 10:40

Why not? Why does having children prevent someone going to a party with families who also have children? Or families without if they can get a sitter...
'I'd rather stay home with the cat' is feeble OP. Take her and let her go into the granny flat.

Show quote history

@3luckystars

why on earth not?! Are parents not allowed to party?

Wishbone436 · 14/12/2023 17:41

My children are much younger so maybe I’m out of touch, but at 13 I would probably feel uneasy leaving them. Is it not a case of “this is the plan!”?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 14/12/2023 17:52

She's 13. Unless she has made proper plans to do something age-appropriate (i.e. adult-supervised) with friends, she should have to go to the party with you. By all means canvass your 13yo's opinions when generally choosing an outing etc as a family. But when it's something you've been invited to as a family and you really want to go, and it's on a specific once-a-year occasion, she shouldn't get to decide to prevent you from going!

AGoingConcern · 14/12/2023 18:08

Watching a bunch of adults on here raging that a teenager had the temerity to express her preference about where she spent NYE and claiming the teenager is the inconsiderate one is darkly humorous.

OP figured out a plan for the evening that she thinks everyone will enjoy - (non sulky) family togetherness for the countdown, everyone who wants to gets party time, daughter isn’t forced to go be at a party she doesn’t want to be at. And she’s modeled being considerate of the whole group and finding reasonable compromises that pleases everyone in the process, which is a huge part of how teens learn to do the same.

There are plenty of times when it’s not at all appropriate to compromise with our children (safety issues topping the list), but fortunately this wasn’t one of them.