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Original poster

Teenagers and NYE

209 replies

chatenoire · 13/12/2023 08:48

Some very good family friends have invited us to their NYE party. Obviously we'd love to go, but our 13yo DD has decided that she's not coming.

I can't force her so the only options are that she stays at home or we stay at home with her. Neither option sounds ideal, so I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 14/12/2023 03:48

@onebyonetheythenleft I have a similar dilemma. I couldn't leave my DC (who is 15) at home alone on NYE. They would be fine but morally it would feel wrong. We should be together seeing the NY in with each other. Until the time comes that they are old enough to go out with friends that is. We will stay at home and play games, have nice food, drinks etc and if DC wants to join in then that's great but if not then that is fine too. I couldn't bear the thought of DC home alone NYE at midnight; the rest of the world is partying but DC is alone. Nope, never.

So, your child gets to dictate the plan? They refuse to go somewhere so everyone sits at home? Very different if they are not invited but if they choose not to go, how/why do they get to dictate the families NYE time? That seems insane.

@chatenoire I would solve this by making your 13yo go. They could go and sit and sulk in a corner if need be. That fixes the problem of them being home alone. I don’t believe the ‘I can’t make them come’ aspect. They are 13yo. They do what they are told, ultimately. I’ve had some tricky, defiant kids but at that age, if it was a lesson they had well and truly learnt was that it was ‘my way’. They could choose the path they wanted to end up their but they were arriving at the same destination irrespective - the easy way or the hard way as they say. Give them another 4 years until they can start doing it ‘their way’.

Original poster
chatenoire · 14/12/2023 04:01

We had a chat.

DD doesn't think she'll get to go to a friend's or vice versa because "kids our age want to spend NYE with their parents". So the compromise is that she stays home, and we come back around 11.

The plan b is to stay home and invite the friends that she likes... But I'd rather go to this party!

OP posts:
AGoingConcern · 14/12/2023 04:19

chatenoire · 14/12/2023 04:01

We had a chat.

DD doesn't think she'll get to go to a friend's or vice versa because "kids our age want to spend NYE with their parents". So the compromise is that she stays home, and we come back around 11.

The plan b is to stay home and invite the friends that she likes... But I'd rather go to this party!

Sounds like a great plan, @chatenoire

Your daughter didn't sound like she was throwing a tantrum or trying to control the family - she was articulating her own needs & desires for a night that's supposed to be fun for everyone without trying to force her preference on everyone else. That's an important skill in life. I'm glad you were able to come up with a compromise that will work for everyone and allow for both family time and party time for those who will enjoy it.

Interested in this thread?

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13 year olds
Bringbackspangles · 14/12/2023 04:23

@chatenoire I think you are making a rod for your own back here. She is 13, so I’m afraid doesn’t get to decide how the family spends NYE. You cannot leave her alone (and she knows this and knows you won’t), you’ve offered quite reasonable solutions to her coming but staying in the granny flat or bringing a friend but she has declined those options too. Unless there is a more serious problem with the children of the hosts that you don’t realise, I’d be inclined to let her know that as a family you are going to friends and she is going.

Ascubudr · 14/12/2023 05:16

DangerousAlchemy · 13/12/2023 22:21

This was us last year. Invited to a party 10 min walk away. DS is good friends with the family's son but our DD (18 then) doesn't like their kids & didn't want to go. We didn't go & stayed home & played board games/watched a film & had a lovely evening together just the 4 of us. Honestly the teenage years whizz by so I didn't really mind. I've no idea what we are doing this NYE - will see if our DC have any plans with friends I guess & play it by ear.

I'd definitely leave the 18yo home alone.

willowstar · 14/12/2023 05:56

We had a similar sort of situation in that we were invited to NYE with a family of my younger child but I was unsure about whether my older 14 year old child would be ok to come and I see it as a family night, at least until they are a bit older. She thinks it is going to feel awkward but she is going to come with us and just hang out with us and I think it will be ok. There is no way I would have left her at home. I am pleased she is willing to bend a little and go. We all compromise for each other from time to time and on this occasion I appreciate she is putting herself out of her comfort zone. She actually quite likes hanging out with us adults anyway and I think she will enjoy it.

I get that it isn't ideal but your 13 year old just needs to go along with you on this occasion I think.

Mumof3children · 14/12/2023 06:31

errr…. I’m still baffled about the blue curaçao bit..

penjil · 14/12/2023 06:50

Maybe the OP's daughter just wants a quiet night at home on NYE, chilling out with the cat and a few glasses of blue curaçao.....

runsmidgeOMG · 14/12/2023 06:54

lemonyellows · 13/12/2023 10:13

I wouldn't have given her the option. She is only 13. She goes with the family.

This ! With bells on…

TheaBrandt · 14/12/2023 07:01

Agree the whole family forgoing a nice evening because of a stroppy 13 year old is mad. Agree with the other solutions she either arranges a sleepover for herself with a mate or goes with you to the friends.

dahliadream · 14/12/2023 07:04

lemonyellows · 13/12/2023 10:13

I wouldn't have given her the option. She is only 13. She goes with the family.

Strong agree with this. I can remember spending NYE at parties my parents took me to around the same age, I didn't get a choice in it (unless I'd had a specific invite to go elsewhere). Maybe next year she can do her own thing with her own friends, but this year I would say she comes with you and joins in.

DangerousAlchemy · 14/12/2023 07:14

Ascubudr · 14/12/2023 05:16

I'd definitely leave the 18yo home alone.

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@Ascubudr you'd leave your shy, introvert DD alone on NYE? Nice. Well we choose to have a fun night as a family instead.

theriseandfallofFranklinSaint · 14/12/2023 07:18

I can't believe I'm the only one who would leave their child alone on NYE if they didn't want to go where we were going (although not sure I would have done it when they were only 13)

We've been invited to parties, DS hasn't wanted to come so has stayed at home while we've gone out. If we'd have said we'd cancel the invitation and stay in playing board games, they would have been horrified! Yes, we like a family games night but not on NYE - no way!

Cuppaand2biscuits · 14/12/2023 07:19

For all those saying you would force the teenager to come.
Have you been at a party with a grumpy 13 year old who doesn't feel comfortable because the other kids/teens there aren't their friends?
It's really hard work, I have a 13 year old, we always get invited to a party in similar circumstances. This year I won't be going (didn't go last year either) because I can't enjoy myself while she's stuck to my side feeling so anxious and uncomfortable.
DH and DS will go which I'll encourage because me and DD will be happy at home.

Quitelikeacatslife · 14/12/2023 07:24

Really she needs to go with you. Don't change your plans, she is 13.
Don't force her to mingle either people she doesn't like (ie shoo her off and go and hang out with kids thing) we have had this many times at that age, they moan about going to something but it is tough.
Talk to host and say she is feeling shy and is it ok if she holes up in the granny flat . You will probably find she will join in and enjoy it more than she thinks
No way will you want to come home at 11
I think that kids really don't get to dictate or opt out of family life .

Tahlullah · 14/12/2023 07:24

When I was 13, I was just told where we were going and that’s where we went.

Original poster
chatenoire · 14/12/2023 07:39

penjil · 14/12/2023 06:50

Maybe the OP's daughter just wants a quiet night at home on NYE, chilling out with the cat and a few glasses of blue curaçao.....

100% plus she'd only drink one tall glass of lemonade with half a shot. She only likes it because it turns drinks blue

OP posts:
GuitarGeorgina · 14/12/2023 07:40

One of you stays home, no reason both have to. In a year or two she can stay home with the 4yo and you can do these things as a couple.

I agree that a 13 yo shouldn’t be calling the shots and should do as their parent asks, in an ideal world, but going out with a reluctant sulking teen is miserable and stressful for everyone. Been there, done that, regretted it every time.

rookiemere · 14/12/2023 07:47

Both adults going and coming back shortly before midnight worked well for us.

I don't think dragging a sulky teen somewhere is conducive to a good night out - we also have the situation where DS is not friendly with the hosts teens any more.

It's easy to get a taxi pre midnight and you don't have to worry about hugging and kissing non relatives at midnight. But then I like to get to bed early, so the plan suits me just fine.

Notamum12345577 · 14/12/2023 08:14

DangerousAlchemy · 13/12/2023 23:11

We didn't go cos NYE is a big night in our family where we have a lovely night together plus my DD is shy & anxious & doesn't have many local friends. So yes we decided not to go & had a lovely time at home instead - judge all you like but we won't have many years left where our DC actually want to spend NYE with us 🤷‍♀️

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I didn’t realise my comment came across as judgy. Glad you had a good night

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/12/2023 08:37

rookiemere · 14/12/2023 07:47

Both adults going and coming back shortly before midnight worked well for us.

I don't think dragging a sulky teen somewhere is conducive to a good night out - we also have the situation where DS is not friendly with the hosts teens any more.

It's easy to get a taxi pre midnight and you don't have to worry about hugging and kissing non relatives at midnight. But then I like to get to bed early, so the plan suits me just fine.

@rookiemere

“easy to get a taxi pre midnight and you don't have to worry about hugging and kissing non relatives at midnight. “

lol who worries about that?!

Avacardo2023 · 14/12/2023 08:51

I have three teens and your mistake was asking her and allowing her to dictate your plans. At 13 kids should be told they are going and that's that. We do such a lot for our kids and occasionally they have to also suck up doing something they might not want to do. I have to work with some of these young kids just leaving school after experiencing gentle parenting and dealing with their entitlement is an absolute nightmare.

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/12/2023 08:58

Avacardo2023 · 14/12/2023 08:51

I have three teens and your mistake was asking her and allowing her to dictate your plans. At 13 kids should be told they are going and that's that. We do such a lot for our kids and occasionally they have to also suck up doing something they might not want to do. I have to work with some of these young kids just leaving school after experiencing gentle parenting and dealing with their entitlement is an absolute nightmare.

THIS!!!

FosterMommy13 · 14/12/2023 09:00

lemonyellows · 13/12/2023 10:13

I wouldn't have given her the option. She is only 13. She goes with the family.

I agree with this. Different once they’re older but at 13, if we were invited to an event as a family, we would all go whether we wanted to or not.
Regardless of the significance of the event too, I would never leave a 13 year old home alone all night.

beautifullittletree · 14/12/2023 09:04

@FosterMommy13

if we were invited to an event as a family, we would all go whether we wanted to or not.

That's actually really weird