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Original poster

Teenagers and NYE

209 replies

chatenoire · 13/12/2023 08:48

Some very good family friends have invited us to their NYE party. Obviously we'd love to go, but our 13yo DD has decided that she's not coming.

I can't force her so the only options are that she stays at home or we stay at home with her. Neither option sounds ideal, so I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
BrimfulOfMash · 13/12/2023 23:16

When our kids were that age we had parties with our friends who were also parents of Dc friends and all the teens went upstairs, came down for midnight, laughed at parent dancing etc.

tachetastic · 13/12/2023 23:20

Just adding my voice to the comments that you cannot leave a 13 year old alone after dark.

CrikeyMajikey · 13/12/2023 23:20

I’d stay at home with DD. Mine is 15 and is going out with friend’s to a small party. You may not have many NYE’s left with her, enjoy her while you can.

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13 year olds
user1492757084 · 13/12/2023 23:21

If you are staying over and you have the use of the granny flat then leave the cat at home and the 13 year old comes with you. At thirteen she is too young to stay all night alone and she should not have the choice to make the whole family stay home.
Give her the options of joining in with the party or having some food with your friends and then a quiet evening by herself in the granny flat. Check in on her regularly and make sure she can phone you.
She might have normal social anxiety of teenagers navigating talking to adults etc.

EconomyClassRockstar · 13/12/2023 23:25

I can't believe I'm not even 50 and having parented all my kids to adulthood, don't recognize half of these responses. She's 13! Of course she doesn't want to join you but you tell her she's coming anyway. And you call the host and explain and, hopefully, you can all come to a fun night for all of you that doesn't rely on a 13 yo drinking Blue Caraco. WTF?!!

HappySonHappyMum · 13/12/2023 23:39

She's 13 - she comes to the party with you. She's a child - she doesn't get a choice.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/12/2023 23:40

Tell her she’s coming, end of.

Simple.

SheilaFentiman · 13/12/2023 23:50

Agree with many others - she comes to the party, unless you are prepared to leave just after midnight and be home before 1am.

Like the idea of paying her to mind the 4 year old - that’s better for you too, surely, as otherwise you would presumably be tag teaming in the granny flat from 8pm or whenever the little one goes to sleep.

KCandtheSunlightBand · 13/12/2023 23:58

She is 13, you tell her she’s going. I think it’s important for younger teenagers to go to parties with their parents and other adults, it’s an introduction (good and bad!) to adult socialising but with you on hand.
She might join in and really enjoy it or she can stay in the flat and join you for the midnight count down, it sounds like a perfect plan.

Diggerdriverless · 13/12/2023 23:58

I don't understand why your 13 year old daughter is deciding NYE for the whole family. I'm sure she would often prefer to stay home and cuddle her cat than go to school but I presume you override that nonsense. It sounds as if she wouldn't have to join the party if she didn't want to but I would not leave her home alone for more than a couple of hours. Are you expecting your 4 year old to stay up till the Bells? Why not put both children to bed in the granny flat before midnight?

ClairDeLaLune · 14/12/2023 00:03

Absolutely no way would I leave a 13 year old girl home alone overnight, you really cannot do this, it would be a massive safeguarding issue. Or two 13 year old girls. You need a better plan OP. Plus it would be sad to not be together as a family to see in the new year.

MariaLuna · 14/12/2023 00:10

Well she clearly doesn't give a shit about the significance or she'd be going with you?

Not helpful.

I'm in my 60's and no way would I have been keen to go and spend NYE with relatives at the age of 13.

You can't leave her alone though OP. Stay at home, make a relaxing evening with finger foods, etc. and show her she's the most important person in your life.
She's at that cusp of teenage years going into adulthood. So important to be there for her.

Relatives can be visited any day of the year.

SheilaFentiman · 14/12/2023 00:13

“You can't leave her alone though OP. Stay at home, make a relaxing evening with finger foods, etc. and show her she's the most important person in your life.”

Oh, good Lord! They will have just spent days together over Xmas doing this sort of thing. The DD can put herself out for her mum by going to a party where she actually has the option of hanging out in a space on her own!

SheilaFentiman · 14/12/2023 00:14

The DD is not saying, “aww, mum, can we all stay home and watch Elf with popcorn?” - she just doesn’t fancy the party!

Bettie44 · 14/12/2023 00:15

I really don't understand why so many people are getting worked up about your teenager being alone at NY...

When I was 13 (and still now!) I couldn't care less about NYE! Had lots of friends and was social enough, but if you told me I could spend spend NYE in my own company I'd be elated. Overrated nonsense, in my opinion!

Surely if your teen was bothered, she would come with you if she got no "better offers" and was upset at the thought of being alone?!

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 14/12/2023 00:18

HerculesMulligannn · 13/12/2023 23:06

I would ask/tell the 13 year old that they are coming to the party to babysit the 4 year old and pay them for doing so. So they can put the younger child to bed in the granny flat at an appropriate time, sit in with them and get £whatever you feel is appropriate. You get to stay up, younger child is sorted, older child feels responsible and needed and gets some money for doing whatever she would have done anyway but without resentment. Win win!

This! I'm sure the 13 year old has her wants and needs considered at least 360 days in the year, so now it's time to think of her parents' needs too - she is plenty old enough to take the feelings of others into consideration for a special event.

The granny flat means she has somewhere close by but can do her own thing while her parents get to enjoy themselves. Just before midnight you can fetch her and she can pop over to the main house for the countdown leaving the 4 year old asleep alone for five minutes, or take them too if they're awake. Countdown to midnight, Auld Lang Syne, glass of bubbly while watching the fireworks takes five minutes then the whole family can go back to the granny flat having enjoyed NYE safely in their own way.

Edited for spelling!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 14/12/2023 00:19

chatenoire · 13/12/2023 13:17

We normally host, so she just shows up if and when she likes. She doesn't like our friends' DC, which is why I dont think she doesn't want to come with us

Show quote history

That’s a fairly important detail tbh.

You wouldn’t want to so end NYE with someone you didn’t like either!

SouthLondonMum22 · 14/12/2023 00:21

At 13, she certainly wouldn't be dictating how everyone spends NYE. She'd be coming with the option of staying in the granny flat if she didn't want to join in with the party.

AGoingConcern · 14/12/2023 00:22

This seems like a self-created dilemma for the most part. If the party were hours away it might be different, but a 10 minute drive? There's zero reason that needs to be an overnight trip with two children in tow or worth considering leaving a 13 year old alone overnight for.

If everyone in the family but your 13 yo wants to go the party then either you or your partner should stay sober to drive home at reasonable hour or arrange for a taxi. Then pick an option:

  1. Force daughter to attend - it's just a few hours, it's a family party, and she can take a switch or book. Not sleeping over may help soften the blow for her, but being willing to say "this is the plan & it's not optional" is part of parenting.
  2. Tell her the rest of the family is going to the party. If she doesn't want to go, leave her home with a phone and the knowledge that you can be back in 10 minutes. Come back before midnight so you can do the countdown as a family and everyone can get a good night's sleep in their own beds.
  3. Same as #2, but do the countdown at the party & then head home. Facetime or call your DD during the countdown if she's got any interest.

If you and partner just hate the idea of going to the party yet not getting to over-indulge and/or stay over then get a sitter for both kids.

MiddleParking · 14/12/2023 00:31

3luckystars · 13/12/2023 22:24

You have a 13 year old and a 4 year old. No I don’t think you can both go to a party for the night.

???

Harry12345 · 14/12/2023 00:36

13 year olds should not be left in overnight by themselves or with a friend, mine would be getting told they’re coming. Xmas all focus on children, new year is for adults and they shouldn’t be getting dictated to by a 13 year, life isn’t always about what you want to do all the time

Thistooshallpsss · 14/12/2023 01:05

New year is tricky with teenagers. And when they do go out I used to stay completely sober in case anyone needed extracting from situations they were uncomfortable with. No taxis on NYE

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 14/12/2023 02:02

She's 13. She goes where you say she will.

YerArseInParsley · 14/12/2023 02:10

chatenoire · 13/12/2023 09:19

I did offer this, as I know that would be fine, but my DD said it would be awkward.

Our friends have a spare granny flat and they offered it to us for the night (which is why we'd be back the next morning).

Show quote history

Why can't you go home of the party is only 10 minutes away? Why do you need to stay?

If you want to go tell your daughter yous are going, go for a few hours then go home.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 14/12/2023 02:20

At 13 we used to get the grandparents to come visit, so the dc wouldn't feel like we had hired a babysitter. I would probably insist she come along, with her friend if she wanted, as you suggested.

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