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Original poster

Any idea how to resolve this Christmas dilemma?

180 replies

MargaretSmall · 29/11/2023 12:55

So I have two kids aged 25 and 17.

The 25 year old moved out a couple of years ago but only a mile away and we see her most days, very close etc

She's recently got a new boyfriend -it's been about 5 months now. I've met him very briefly twice, my husband has met him briefly once and my 17 year old hasn't met him. Seems like a nice chap from what I can see and she's happy with him.

So .. onto Christmas. We always really enjoy our Christmas's just the 4 of us. She wants him to come for Christmas dinner (he would be alone otherwise as he has children but doesn't see them until
Boxing Day) so she plans to spend Xmas Eve and Christmas Day morning with him, come to us for present opening whilst he pops home to feed his cat, and then he comes for dinner

So the issue... none of us are that keen! Because it's only been such a short time of dating, because we've barely met him and my son not at all and my son has expressed that he'd feel a bit uncomfortable to have somewhere there for Xmas dinner that he's never met before - and we can't meet him before Christmas due to the fact he lives an hour away and other commitments

I just can't tell my daughter though that he's not welcome for Christmas dinner! What's he supposed to do? Sit in her house for a couple of hours on his own?

But then on the other hand, I have my son not massively looking forward to the day now

WWYD?

We will just suck it up I suppose as don't want to cause upset or offence but I'm interested in viewpoints

OP posts:
Aposterhasnoname · 29/11/2023 13:00

If you don’t invite him get ready for your eldest DD not to come either. I wouldn’t if I were her.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 29/11/2023 13:02

I think you’re being a bit mean. Season of goodwill and all that…

TootOnTheBends · 29/11/2023 13:02

I wouldn’t see it as a dilemma, I’d automatically invite him. It wouldn’t occur to me not to tbh.

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Events & celebrations
BabaYagasLittleSister · 29/11/2023 13:03

Just invite him. It's only dinner. Tell son to deal with it or ask how he'd like it spending Christmas day alone.

shakeitoffsis · 29/11/2023 13:03

You're being mean, invite him! Do you really think it's ok for him to sit home alone while you all celebrate together?! Scrooge!

Blistory · 29/11/2023 13:03

It's never easy when traditions change but at 17, I'd expect your son to understand that Christmas is a time to include others, not to exclude them.

I understand that you're all a bit apprehensive but just treat him as part of the family and don't stand on ceremony - he's only there for part of the day and doesn't get to see his own children.

If he turns out to be a twat, don't invite him next year.

Original poster
MargaretSmall · 29/11/2023 13:04

He's invited! It was more the change to the dynamic as they're not been together long but yes it would be a bit mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
MargaretSmall · 29/11/2023 13:04

@Blistory yes. You're right. It's more the apprehension of the change and we will suck it up and be good hosts!

OP posts:
MrsMitford3 · 29/11/2023 13:04

As your children get older Christmas does expand.

You can either open your arms to DD boyfriend or risk losing her.
It can't be just the 4 of you forever.

I had similar last christmas with DS's GF (now wife) and was very anxious about the shift in family dynamics but it ended up being nicer.
I was also worried about other DS who is a bit set in his ways-
Everyone was on such good form and showing all of our traditions and fun to someone else made us appreciate them even more.

I would 100% invite him and enjoy. The more the merrier. Because she will stop coming if you don't.

Mrsttcno1 · 29/11/2023 13:05

Obviously it’s your house and up to you, but in my opinion you are all at that “stage” now where Christmases do change, and they aren’t just you 4 anymore. You can either grow and change with it or you oppose it and in a few years time you’ll wonder why there’s only you and your husband sat at the table on Christmas Day. I’m mid 20’s and my younger sister is early 20’s, I’ve been with my DH since I was 16 and he had always been invited for Christmas dinner, and my sister has been with her current boyfriend over a year now and we were basically in your situation last year. They got together in August and he came for Christmas dinner last year, all was fine, was never a question that he wouldn’t have been welcome to attend.

The result being that my parents still have a full house on Christmas Day which they absolutely love, we all feel welcome and still get that big family Christmas feel (even now that I’m married and pregnant), whereas DH’s parents for example were very “family only on Christmas Day”- and now spend the day alone just the two of them.

Surely it’s a good opportunity to get to know him better, spend some time together etc?

Pootles34 · 29/11/2023 13:05

It's great having extra guests at Christmas - we always have done, so maybe it's more normal for me, but as others have said it's the season of good will. I would hate to think of anyone being on their own on Christmas day!

Also we've found that having non-family guests makes people less likely to misbehave...

Mrsttcno1 · 29/11/2023 13:07

To add as well- I actually can’t think of a better opportunity to get to know someone new! A nice meal, bucks fizz, board games etc… much less awkward that coming for tea on a random Thursday

Ellie1015 · 29/11/2023 13:13

Good chance to get to know him. You have to include him or dd will be hurt. Also likely won't come to yours at Christmas so dynamic will change one way or the other.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 29/11/2023 13:15

We had similar last yea. We had only met the BF once. He was eager to fit in and was good company. He and DD spent quite a bit of time just chilling in her room and playing computer games so were out of the way, and it was calm. We did all play games too and it was fine . They don't stay kids for ever, and things change.

Slothfully · 29/11/2023 13:17

We love our nuclear family Xmas day but if DD wanted her boyfriend here, he'd be most welcome. As our children grow up, we have to make adjustments.

Andthereyougo · 29/11/2023 13:18

Does your son have problems meeting people anyway, socially awkward type of thing? Perhaps he thinks more will be expected of him than it actually is. I really can’t see the problem having Christmas dinner & part of the day with someone you're meeting for the first time.

mrssunshinexxx · 29/11/2023 13:20

Use it as an opportunity to get to know him
Better if you are super close to your daughter and want it to stay that way. Perhaps some light hearted games ?

Notmetoo · 29/11/2023 13:21

Surely hosting him over Christmas will give you a chance to get to know him better.
I would definitely invite him. Apart from anything else if you don't your daughter probably won't come. But also surely inviting someone who would otherwise be alone is part of the spirit of Christmas.

iamwhatiam23 · 29/11/2023 13:21

I think you are being very selfish and rude! Christmas is supposed to be a welcoming time, if you don't invite him it will most definitely send a message about what kind of people you are!

YaWeeFurryBastard · 29/11/2023 13:21

What would I do? Unless he has special needs I’d be telling my son he needs to get over himself sharpish and be a polite and welcoming member of the family - he might even enjoy himself with the new guest!

This is one of those moments in parenting where you need to role model resilience for your son. Having dinner and socialising with someone you’ve never met before is a life skill and he needs to learn that although he might not always get to have everything exactly how he wants it, it won’t ruin the occasion.

iamwhatiam23 · 29/11/2023 13:22

TootOnTheBends · 29/11/2023 13:02

I wouldn’t see it as a dilemma, I’d automatically invite him. It wouldn’t occur to me not to tbh.

Exactly this

Theblacksheepandme · 29/11/2023 13:29

YaWeeFurryBastard · 29/11/2023 13:21

What would I do? Unless he has special needs I’d be telling my son he needs to get over himself sharpish and be a polite and welcoming member of the family - he might even enjoy himself with the new guest!

This is one of those moments in parenting where you need to role model resilience for your son. Having dinner and socialising with someone you’ve never met before is a life skill and he needs to learn that although he might not always get to have everything exactly how he wants it, it won’t ruin the occasion.

Exactly this. I know you've invited him now but you do need a word with your son. Family dynamics will be a constant change through the years, especially at Christmas.

Workawayxx · 29/11/2023 13:33

I'd definitely invite him and gently remind your son that he will want to bring his own Christmas guest at some point so it works both ways and he needs to suck this one up for his sister's sake.

I'd also ask your daughter if things can be moved around so that she can bring him to dinner/coffee/film night or whatever once or twice before Christmas so that you all feel a bit more comfortable around each other. There's nearly a whole month, surely something can be arranged during that time even if it's Christmas eve?

Justcallmebebes · 29/11/2023 13:35

TootOnTheBends · 29/11/2023 13:02

I wouldn’t see it as a dilemma, I’d automatically invite him. It wouldn’t occur to me not to tbh.

This. It's Christmas. The more the merrier in my household.

My parents always made a point of inviting people who would be on their own for Christmas day so often had random strangers at the table. Never did me any harm

Winter2020 · 29/11/2023 13:35

Your daughter is growing up.
Your family Christmas can be 4 + 1
...or pretty soon it will be 4 - 1

If your daughter and her partner aren't made welcome together don't be surprised if they are used to doing their own thing and choose not to come over if/when a grandchild arrives.

I suggest you get a game going after dinner to break the ice and have a bit of fun family fortunes/ Pictionary / trivial pursuit whatever suits your family. It doesn't need to be for long.

Ban any talk of politics/ religion etc so there is no chance of a xmas day fallout.