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Original poster

Any idea how to resolve this Christmas dilemma?

180 replies

MargaretSmall · 29/11/2023 12:55

So I have two kids aged 25 and 17.

The 25 year old moved out a couple of years ago but only a mile away and we see her most days, very close etc

She's recently got a new boyfriend -it's been about 5 months now. I've met him very briefly twice, my husband has met him briefly once and my 17 year old hasn't met him. Seems like a nice chap from what I can see and she's happy with him.

So .. onto Christmas. We always really enjoy our Christmas's just the 4 of us. She wants him to come for Christmas dinner (he would be alone otherwise as he has children but doesn't see them until
Boxing Day) so she plans to spend Xmas Eve and Christmas Day morning with him, come to us for present opening whilst he pops home to feed his cat, and then he comes for dinner

So the issue... none of us are that keen! Because it's only been such a short time of dating, because we've barely met him and my son not at all and my son has expressed that he'd feel a bit uncomfortable to have somewhere there for Xmas dinner that he's never met before - and we can't meet him before Christmas due to the fact he lives an hour away and other commitments

I just can't tell my daughter though that he's not welcome for Christmas dinner! What's he supposed to do? Sit in her house for a couple of hours on his own?

But then on the other hand, I have my son not massively looking forward to the day now

WWYD?

We will just suck it up I suppose as don't want to cause upset or offence but I'm interested in viewpoints

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 29/11/2023 19:54

I don't think i would have it in me to let someone spend Xmas day alone if I could accommodate them.

Freakinfraser · 29/11/2023 21:30

Whattodo112222 · 29/11/2023 19:54

I don't think i would have it in me to let someone spend Xmas day alone if I could accommodate them.

Me neither, my child asked to bring their partner this year, I have met them a hand full of times, my response was of course, more than welcome will get some pressies too so they feel part of it on Xmas morning, as due to distance it’s a stay over thing.

I also have a single friend, tonight I invited them also to stay over for Xmas.

in both instances I didn’t discuss with my husband first, just told him after they were coming and he just smiled and said sure. As I knew he would.

we would much rather they were at our house having fun than sitting alone, or having my own child not join as their partner wasn’t welcome.

i wonder if the son gets it from his parents.

beanii · 30/11/2023 19:20

Of course you invite him.

That's a part of what happens when your children grow up 🤦‍♀️

The youngest is 17 I'm sure he can eat a meal with his sisters boyfriend.

Interested in this thread?

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Events & celebrations
Pineapples198 · 30/11/2023 19:24

You’re being a bit mean. He’s your daughter’s partner, of course he should be welcome to Christmas dinner.

Mama1209 · 30/11/2023 19:26

You are missing the point of Christmas spirit! I would invite a homeless person off the street or someone from a care home to my dinner table. What’s wrong with you?

punnetofcherries · 30/11/2023 19:31

Tell your son it could be him next year wanting to invite a girlfriend!
All my kids have brought over boyfriends and/or girlfriends for Christmas dinner. None of them are still together, but that doesn't matter.
It's Christmas!

dogmandu · 30/11/2023 19:33

I experienced this old Polish Christmas custom one year at my son and DIL's house, and found it very appropriate and moving.

Nowadays, the tradition obliges Christmas Eve dinner hosts to prepare an extra chair and plate at the table should there be an unexpected visitor. If someone actually turns up at the door, hosts should feed this guest and give them shelter.

AngelinaFibres · 30/11/2023 19:34

MargaretSmall · 29/11/2023 13:04

He's invited! It was more the change to the dynamic as they're not been together long but yes it would be a bit mean.

If he ends up as your SIL then you have started on the right foot. If they split after Christmas you have had a little practice in dealing with adult children's relationships and new people entering your family. It's lunch, you aren't giving him one of your kidneys.

RubyBon · 30/11/2023 19:37

If my DC had been dating someone for 5 months, and lived away from home I’d be eager to get to know this person better… as I presume they spend a fair bit of time together so I’d like to see first hand how they are together, whether their happy etc

So what better time than Christmas to really welcome him but also get an insight into your DDs life/happiness.

I’d rather build relationships than be distant because a) I want my DC happy but b) I’d want the chance to really check their partner out and see the dynamic between them.

He is probably a lovely guy but you’ll never know either way if there’s no interaction.

As for you son, he’s 17, sounds either shy/socially awkward or maybe all about himself, will do him good to expand his circle… for all he knows he could make a new friend at the very least enjoy the company of someone new around? I don’t really see what would be expected extra of him, apart from being himself and polite.

Your DC are growing up. Things change. Adapt to keep them around as much as possible because you’ll be more upset when she no longer wants to visit/come for Christmas because her partner is excluded.

mylittlemonsters25 · 30/11/2023 19:49

My parents didn't like my partner (now husband) and refused to entertain him attending Christmas birthdays etc. Unfortunately they guilted me into visiting without him. Whilst I love my parents I haven't forgiven them for this and it was 20
Years ago.

TheAlchemistElixa · 30/11/2023 19:51

KingsleyBorder · 29/11/2023 14:17

One question - you say “otherwise he’d be on his own as he has children but won’t see them till Boxing Day”.

Why does this mean he will be alone? Does he not have parents, siblings, cousins, old mates? The red flag for me would be why he has alienated the rest of his family and social circle?

Ha! That’s quite a leap. There’s always someone on every thread looking needlessly for drama and “red flags”! 🤣

2chocolateoranges · 30/11/2023 19:55

Perfect Opportunity to get to know him. Ds will have to suck it up, I’m sure if he had a girlfriend/boyfriend that he wanted to join in the celebrations with he would change his tune.

families expand and change shape throughout the years.

DecoratingDiva · 30/11/2023 20:04

It seems a little odd that you describe your relationship with DD as being so close, seeing her most days etc. but you have only met the boyfriend twice in 5 months.

Yes, inviting him seems the right thing to do and I’m sure it will be fine but I’m with your son, I wouldn’t want to be meeting the man for the first time on Christmas Day either. It would make me uncomfortable and like I was “hosting” rather than having a slobby family day.

housethatbuiltme · 30/11/2023 20:09

Do you have xmas dinner naked? What on earth is there to be uncomfortable about?

Sounds like your 17 year old is being a bit selfish and precious and it odd you are genuinely considering alienating your DD over that for no real reason.

YOU don't have to know him, SHE does and its her relationship. You can only control your relationship with her, not her relationship with him.

They aren't asking anything inappropriate just dinner which is a basic thing you do to meet your kids partner anyway.

housethatbuiltme · 30/11/2023 20:11

TheAlchemistElixa · 30/11/2023 19:51

Ha! That’s quite a leap. There’s always someone on every thread looking needlessly for drama and “red flags”! 🤣

Show quote history

Alienated his family? some of us don't HAVE family, its nothing WE personally did.

I didn't go around one by one giving the few loved ones I had in my small family cancer over the last decade, it happened against my wishes.

OhComeOnFFS · 30/11/2023 20:15

I can see that Christmas Day isn't a great time to have someone new around the house, but they've been together five months! Some people are married in that time.

Why not invite them round once a week until then - it can be for drinks, a snack or a meal, so that when Christmas comes, everyone is more used to him?

And tell your son that when he meets someone, he'll want her included, too, and that he can buy this guy a present, too!

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 30/11/2023 20:22

I understand what your son means. When you have a stranger in your home at Christmas, it does change the dynamic. I can't be as relaxed and comfortable with a stranger about. However, your kids are growing up so bf's and gf's will start to be invited to Christmas so your son will have to start to get used to the change.

Can you not invite him round earlier to at least get to know him a bit before Christmas

GnomeDePlume · 30/11/2023 20:25

We had met DD's boyfriend a couple of times ( both students in a city 2+ hours away). Then they locked down with us. Now that is how you get to know someone.

One meal! I think you'll cope.

mondaytosunday · 30/11/2023 20:39

Christmas is still a few weeks away - invite him for dinner next week and get to know him better!

Noodles1234 · 30/11/2023 20:51

I get where you’re coming from, it’s all new and it’s a family day, partners are a new addition and you may feel you can’t relax as much.

However, try to visualise this as a new step, your DD has a lovely new partner and you want to be the first to celebrate their first Christmas together and show him what a lovely family Christmas is (this will help in the long run if they stay together, and if not your DD knows your hone is a safe place for partners etc).

good luck.

ScattyGinger · 30/11/2023 20:53

Why not invite him over for a drink one evening before Christmas. There's still a few weeks until the day. I don't think I'd stress about an extra person on Christmas Day. I've always said to my husband if he knows any of his workmates that will be on their own Christmas then they are always welcome at ours. I hate the idea of people being lonely Christmas Day.

CoffeeThenWine · 30/11/2023 21:18

Changing and adapting traditions are part of your children growing up. Change is really hard when things have been the same for so long, but I've learned to embrace the evolution of our family as the children have grown up.
Our 18yr oldest GF will be with us on Xmas day. She may even be here overnight on Christmas eve as her family don't really "do" Christmas.
Last year, a few of our older teens' friends ended up with us on Christmas Day evening too and it was brilliant.
Embrace him and encourage your son to do the same. Make new traditions.

Duechristmas · 30/11/2023 21:49

Invite him over and get to know him in the next few weeks, this is the next most important person in your daughter's life, he should be welcome.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 30/11/2023 21:58

Honestly I'm surprised it's taken until 25 to come to this issue!

The days of 'just 4 of you' were already long numbered. There will be partners involved, next year your daughter could still be with him and be going to his family. They could have a baby in a couple years and want to start having Christmas as their own family.

Embrace him, your son will have to get with the program. He will want to bring someone soon enough.

Ihateusernames91 · 01/12/2023 02:05

Your son needs to get over it.
One day, the tables will turn and it will be him wanting to bring over his significant other at Christmas. I'm not sure why he would feel so uncomfortable, it's a great time to meet him and get to know him in a happy setting.

We have an open door policy on Christmas day. The belief is that no one should spend Christmas alone, be it friends, partners or relatives. The more the merrier and everyone is welcomed with open arms.

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