Any idea how to resolve this Christmas dilemma?

[MargaretSmall]

So I have two kids aged 25 and 17.

The 25 year old moved out a couple of years ago but only a mile away and we see her most days, very close etc

She's recently got a new boyfriend -it's been about 5 months now. I've met him very briefly twice, my husband has met him briefly once and my 17 year old hasn't met him. Seems like a nice chap from what I can see and she's happy with him.

So .. onto Christmas. We always really enjoy our Christmas's just the 4 of us. She wants him to come for Christmas dinner (he would be alone otherwise as he has children but doesn't see them until
Boxing Day) so she plans to spend Xmas Eve and Christmas Day morning with him, come to us for present opening whilst he pops home to feed his cat, and then he comes for dinner

So the issue... none of us are that keen! Because it's only been such a short time of dating, because we've barely met him and my son not at all and my son has expressed that he'd feel a bit uncomfortable to have somewhere there for Xmas dinner that he's never met before - and we can't meet him before Christmas due to the fact he lives an hour away and other commitments

I just can't tell my daughter though that he's not welcome for Christmas dinner! What's he supposed to do? Sit in her house for a couple of hours on his own?

But then on the other hand, I have my son not massively looking forward to the day now

WWYD?

We will just suck it up I suppose as don't want to cause upset or offence but I'm interested in viewpoints

You invite him and you welcome him with open arms. How would you feel if his family were reluctant to invite your daughter over for Christmas lunch? The kids are getting older and it won't be just the 4 of you forever. Time to adapt and expand the dinner table!

This stood out at me too !!!
Believe me OP that speaks volumes and your DD and her BF will catch on to any frosty domineers.

Assuming precious 17yo won’t get a head wobble either as many have suggested 🙄

sounds mean spirited and insular. Is this the way your son is usually? Xmas really is the time to open doors to others and kindly welcome.

I don't understand this mindset,let your adult kids have their own Christmas without having to alternate.

It is his problem if he doesn't see his children and has to be on his own in Christmas Day. Let him spend it on his own and he might do a bit of reflection. 20 week romance is just nothing and I'm afraid children come along as part of his package. She needs to think about the 11% of his income that he will be paying until they are grown up etc. rather than whether he should be coming to the family Christmas meal.

It's Christmas. It's a time of goodwill and giving. If it were our house an extra place would be set for anyone turning up, isn't that what the message of the season is? In the past we have hosted many additional folk (mom's ex husband so he could see the grandchildren, bereaved neighbour so she wouldn't be alone, son's friend as the weather was too bad for him to get to his parents house etc etc)
Of course it's nice to keep the family dynamics but it's a fact of life that as kids grow, dynamics change, it happens in all families. Embrace the change, open the door to the possibilities - you can't stop it so make the most of the new experiences!

I wonder how spectacularly mean spirited you have to be to post something like this about a complete stranger at Christmas.

My teenagers are both ND and the older one on particular struggled with FIL coming to us now he is widowed, but he understands that it is not only the right thing to invite him, it’s nice for all of us, he’s not alone and we feel happy he’s happy. It can be difficult to change the dynamic but you can’t avoid it.

I think one of the best gifts you can give your adult children is the freedom to spend Christmas however they choose without guilt or obligation.

What mindset? We are the adult kids. We choose to alternate.

I think that's awful tbh. So you're prepared to leave your daughter's boyfriend who she clearly cares about on his own, because your 17 Yr old feels abit uncomfortable, he isn't 10! I'm sorry but if I was your daughter I'd be spending it with my bf if my family were so selfish. How will you get to know him if you exclude him from occasions because you are all so uncomfortable? You need to think more about your dd and what would make her happy. I bet if your son has a partner in the future he will want them invited.

I have to say as well dh's family were abit like you, wanted to keep their little family circle, his younger sibling sat in silence, eye rolls, didn't like anybody else in tje house at all. Needless to say they are now estranged, and don't like having to spend Christmas just the 2 of them, karma is a bitch.

Also there could be future Grandchildren, everyone wrote me & dh off, parents made no effort thinking it would fizzle out. We're now married with dc's & been together nearly 20 yrs, both in 30s.

That's great for you,but too many want their adult kids with them for Christmas.Because it's tradition.
Even @MargaretSmall mentions it's always been "just the 4 of them"

I think the DD and her bf should have their own Christmas away from everyone,then the son won't have to worry.

I think you are being mean and the 17 year old needs to grow up.

Usually a massive projection of something that’s gone wrong in their own lives.

It does say rather more about the poster than anything else, I agree.

What a completely bizarre and gold digging post.

That poster sounds like Mrs Featherstone in Open All Hours - perpetually grim and disapproving with a sour expression.

I was a couple of years older than your daughter but “met” my now-husband in person for the first time in early November. Different countries so we had only met that once (had started being Mail friends in August and it went from there). He could get time off over Christmas and was welcomed with open arms to stay at ours and spend Christmas with us. (He was invited for lunch one day when we met in November - he stayed in a B&B in a nearby city that time). We’ve been married for 15 years last September. I think your son is old enough to understand and appreciate the situation and, who knows, they might hit it off!

Nobody who doesn't want to be alone for Christmas should be. Your son should be able to manage having a guest for dinner, it's not even like he's there all day.

Please don't let him see you'd rather he wasn't there.

This.
You set a precedent now. Include ALL boyfriends/ girlfriends etc and youll have a much better relationship when they have their own families.

If you start to exclude the people they build their lives with, it's most likely to be you who loses them.

The days of the nuclear family are over - she could well be making hers now.

This really is such a non issue. It's Christmas, season of goodwill and all, but you're uncomfortable having someone your daughter cares about there who otherwise would be spending Christmas alone. Says alot about you. Your teen needs to get over it, they're almost an adult themselves, and if you either don't have him over or try make your daughter feel bad about this by telling her you have an issue, then you can fully expect her to not show up at all. I was with my now husband 3 months when he first came for Christmas, my siblings had never met him but they all welcomed him with open arms, bought him little gifts to open and my mum bought the beer he likes, try being a bit more like that.

Jeez @Radioshark are you ok?

Same with my dm - she's never met a stranger- and anyone was welcome at Christmas if otherwise they'd be on their own. I'm sure they normally felt more awkward than us but we're a friendly lot and they soon joined in. I can't see her giving a hoot if we'd been uncomfortable with it!
This year both my elder dds' husbands will be with us and our gs and it does change things but that's life and I can't wait.