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Original poster

Any idea how to resolve this Christmas dilemma?

180 replies

MargaretSmall · 29/11/2023 12:55

So I have two kids aged 25 and 17.

The 25 year old moved out a couple of years ago but only a mile away and we see her most days, very close etc

She's recently got a new boyfriend -it's been about 5 months now. I've met him very briefly twice, my husband has met him briefly once and my 17 year old hasn't met him. Seems like a nice chap from what I can see and she's happy with him.

So .. onto Christmas. We always really enjoy our Christmas's just the 4 of us. She wants him to come for Christmas dinner (he would be alone otherwise as he has children but doesn't see them until
Boxing Day) so she plans to spend Xmas Eve and Christmas Day morning with him, come to us for present opening whilst he pops home to feed his cat, and then he comes for dinner

So the issue... none of us are that keen! Because it's only been such a short time of dating, because we've barely met him and my son not at all and my son has expressed that he'd feel a bit uncomfortable to have somewhere there for Xmas dinner that he's never met before - and we can't meet him before Christmas due to the fact he lives an hour away and other commitments

I just can't tell my daughter though that he's not welcome for Christmas dinner! What's he supposed to do? Sit in her house for a couple of hours on his own?

But then on the other hand, I have my son not massively looking forward to the day now

WWYD?

We will just suck it up I suppose as don't want to cause upset or offence but I'm interested in viewpoints

OP posts:
myfavouritemutant · 29/11/2023 14:05

i’d be feeling very grateful that he was open to spending Christmas with us - and that dd wouldn’t be off with him to his family instead.

Retrievemysanity · 29/11/2023 14:09

It’s not really a dilemma. When adult children are in a relationship then it’s usual for the partner to get an invite too unless they’ve literally just met, which isn’t the case here. Why don’t you get together before Christmas so your son can meet him properly if it’s that much of an issue.

PinkArt · 29/11/2023 14:10

MargaretSmall · 29/11/2023 13:04

@Blistory yes. You're right. It's more the apprehension of the change and we will suck it up and be good hosts!

Oh god please try to change your thinking in the next month. Don't 'suck it 'up, embrace it! How lovely that your daughter has met someone so important to her that she wants you all to spend Christmas with her. It doesn't need to be we have to, it can be we get to. Otherwise I can see Christmases ahead where you don't get the option of spending the day with her if she feels like you're just tollerating his presence.

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HoHoHoliday · 29/11/2023 14:12

You're all mean and anti-social. Of course you should invite your daughter's boyfriend.
This boyfriend that you all feel so uncomfortable about eating dinner with might become your son in law one day, the father of your grandchildren. Use the festive meal as a chance to get to know him!

WellWellSaidTheRockingChair · 29/11/2023 14:17

I’d invite him without a doubt.

how are you going to get to know him better if you out things like a one hour distance or family time ahead of meeting him?

and if you don’t invite him I doubt your daughter will be back for Christmas.

KingsleyBorder · 29/11/2023 14:17

One question - you say “otherwise he’d be on his own as he has children but won’t see them till Boxing Day”.

Why does this mean he will be alone? Does he not have parents, siblings, cousins, old mates? The red flag for me would be why he has alienated the rest of his family and social circle?

Inheritanceconundrum · 29/11/2023 14:18

Do you have reservations about him generally OP? Your daughter's only 25 and that seems quite young to be tied down to a man with children. Also, is he not going to see his parents or any siblings? That also seems a bit of a concern to me re his ability to maintain relationships with people.

ActDottie · 29/11/2023 14:21

If I was your daughter I’d be really upset by this. She’s 25! Not a teenager, she’s an adult and she wants to bring her partner to family Christmas dinner! I can’t imagine saying no to my child.

fuckityfuckityfuckfuck · 29/11/2023 14:21

After 5 months together I would expect to spend Christmas together.

If you really are feeling awkward about it why not arrange an official first meet up ahead of time? 1 hour away is fine travel if you're spending an afternoon/evening somewhere.

AdaColeman · 29/11/2023 14:23

If the 17 year old feels put out about his sister's boyfriend coming to dinner, remind him what the Christmas story is actually about...Joy to all mankind.
Maybe sing Good King Wenceslas to get him in the right mood!!

BretonBlue · 29/11/2023 14:26

Screwballs · 29/11/2023 14:05

I think your son would soon have a change of tune if it was a girl he wanted to have over.

Jolly good point. Maybe remind him of this!

ifonly4 · 29/11/2023 14:28

I'd invite him. It's a good way of getting to know him better. Also, if you don't, you might well find she chooses to spend the day with him instead and none of you will see her. Not sure why your son should feel put out, surely he can open presents, have an xmas day meal, watch tv, play games with you all - having an extra person isn't going to stop that.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 29/11/2023 14:29

It's a good chance to get to know him and as you get on so well with your DD hopefully there will be lots of common ground

RedToothBrush · 29/11/2023 14:32

TootOnTheBends · 29/11/2023 13:02

I wouldn’t see it as a dilemma, I’d automatically invite him. It wouldn’t occur to me not to tbh.

This.

She 25 FFS. She's not 12. This is clearly a serious relationship.

Suck it up. Otherwise you risk alienating her and her never coming to another Christmas again.

Then you can have your precious family unit minus one.

Your family is at a stage where the dynamics have changed. You cant stop it. She's an adult. Fighting the normal order of things will backfire on you. It's controlling.

I genuinely can't understand wtf your problem is apart from you being miserable. And frankly rather nasty and unwelcoming.

This is one of those rare threads where I think the OP should get an absolute pasting.

Lifestooshort71 · 29/11/2023 14:37

The day does change as kids grow up and you do need to adapt to it - and your son, he might have a serious partner in 2 or 3 years and he'd be upset if they weren't made welcome. Out of interest, how does bf pop home to feed the cat on Christmas Day (if he lives an hour away) but it's too far to come over and meet your son beforehand?

ThanksItHasPockets · 29/11/2023 14:46

See the long view, OP.

If it gets serious and they decide to move in together I guarantee she will move in with him and not the other way around. She will find fewer and fewer reasons to make the one-hour journey if she picks up on the fact that her family grudgingly ‘sucked it up’ for their first Christmas together. Summon up a bit of enthusiasm and tell DS to get over himself.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 29/11/2023 14:55

If it’s really so vital to meet him before 25 December then find a pub half way to meet for a drink or a meal. Half an hour’s journey for each of you makes this workable for a midweek evening if your advent weekends are already full.

Moonshine5 · 29/11/2023 15:11

I can see your son's p.o.v.
20 weeks of dating I wouldn't be keen either !
I'm aware of the meaning of Christmas but I have spent too long people pleasing, it's good your son spoke his mind.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 29/11/2023 15:14

Unless anyone had sen I feel you all need to loosen up and welcome him in. She may dump him next week but so what. How long do any of us last.
My in laws fell over themselves for sil partner then dh. Together for 3 years then divorced.
I've been with dh since the same time treated like second class citizen and we've been together 20 years.

ApintofwhatFarageishaving · 29/11/2023 15:20

It's a little mean. It is the season of goodwill, and if you don't like him, it's gonna make her stay with him longer.
Also, imagine 5 years time if they in turn had kids, he may say that he isn't coming to yours at Christmas because you were so unfriendly all those years ago.

momonpurpose · 29/11/2023 15:20

Aposterhasnoname · 29/11/2023 13:00

If you don’t invite him get ready for your eldest DD not to come either. I wouldn’t if I were her.

This. I wouldn't come either. I'd be very careful here to not push my daughter away. I also cannot imagine not opening my home to someone who wouldn't have a place to go on the holiday. I think you need to sit down and think about the fall out

sixteenfurryfeet · 29/11/2023 15:57

I think that Christmas for late teens is a bit of a difficult thing anyway. Times change, they are growing up and Christmas Day is no longer what it used to be when they were children, so it can fall really flat and be a total anticlimax. Perhaps that's what is bothering him really, and his sister's boyfriend is only a side issue. He wants one last Christmas the way it used to be.

BrieAndChilli · 29/11/2023 16:06

I had only been with DH for 6 weeks and was going to spend xmas alone in my student house as was NC with my family. He and his family invited me to spend xmas with them (2 hours away so meant i had to stay over for a couple of nights). They were lovely, bought me presents etc.
23 years later we are married and have 3 kids and I still appreciate the kindness they extended to me that first xmas.

momonpurpose · 29/11/2023 16:10

BrieAndChilli · 29/11/2023 16:06

I had only been with DH for 6 weeks and was going to spend xmas alone in my student house as was NC with my family. He and his family invited me to spend xmas with them (2 hours away so meant i had to stay over for a couple of nights). They were lovely, bought me presents etc.
23 years later we are married and have 3 kids and I still appreciate the kindness they extended to me that first xmas.

That is the true Christmas spirit ❤️

Xmasbaby11 · 29/11/2023 16:15

Shouldn't be a question really - you welcome him. She's 25!