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Original poster

Any idea how to resolve this Christmas dilemma?

180 replies

MargaretSmall · 29/11/2023 12:55

So I have two kids aged 25 and 17.

The 25 year old moved out a couple of years ago but only a mile away and we see her most days, very close etc

She's recently got a new boyfriend -it's been about 5 months now. I've met him very briefly twice, my husband has met him briefly once and my 17 year old hasn't met him. Seems like a nice chap from what I can see and she's happy with him.

So .. onto Christmas. We always really enjoy our Christmas's just the 4 of us. She wants him to come for Christmas dinner (he would be alone otherwise as he has children but doesn't see them until
Boxing Day) so she plans to spend Xmas Eve and Christmas Day morning with him, come to us for present opening whilst he pops home to feed his cat, and then he comes for dinner

So the issue... none of us are that keen! Because it's only been such a short time of dating, because we've barely met him and my son not at all and my son has expressed that he'd feel a bit uncomfortable to have somewhere there for Xmas dinner that he's never met before - and we can't meet him before Christmas due to the fact he lives an hour away and other commitments

I just can't tell my daughter though that he's not welcome for Christmas dinner! What's he supposed to do? Sit in her house for a couple of hours on his own?

But then on the other hand, I have my son not massively looking forward to the day now

WWYD?

We will just suck it up I suppose as don't want to cause upset or offence but I'm interested in viewpoints

OP posts:
Agadoodoo · 29/11/2023 13:38

Suck it up.

Fwiw, I don't particularly want my elderly parents to come for Christmas day. They're lovely but I'd rather it was just the three of us. I've invited them though, because they'd be sad otherwise and it's the kind thing to do. You will one day be your children's elderly parents...

Cas112 · 29/11/2023 13:40

Teach your son season of good will and that its not nice to leave people alone for christmas

He might really get on with him

WhatNoRaisins · 29/11/2023 13:40

I get where the 17 year old is coming from, it can be an age where it doesn't take much to make you feel really awkward but you've done the right thing inviting him.

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Events & celebrations
DisforDarkChocolate · 29/11/2023 13:43

There is time for everyone to meet up before Christmas.

Do you want to be the family that is open and welcoming or the one no one comes come to at Christmas because it's only allowed to be the same as it was in 2022?

Freakinfraser · 29/11/2023 13:44

What’s the question, you’ve already invited him. You can’t uninvite. And of course your daughter would not come if you did that.

your son needs to grow up, he’s nearly an adult. What an unwelcoming family.

Original poster
MargaretSmall · 29/11/2023 13:44

@iamwhatiam23 maybe have a re read of my opening post. You appear to have missed a chunk Hmm

Thanks all. Appreciate the viewpoints

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 29/11/2023 13:44

I think your son needs to understand that things change and evolve and to have some compassion to someone who would otherwise be sat on their own on Christmas Day.
Could he meet the boyfriend beforehand at all?

Lackinginspiration1 · 29/11/2023 13:45

Welcome him in BUT make sure you take plenty of family photos both with and without him, just in case it doesn’t work out!

DrMarshaFieldstone · 29/11/2023 13:47

It's really sad for your daughter that your family's immediate response was to reject the idea of including him. Knock it on the head. It's absolutely perfect that they live so close and can come for a few hours. When long distances are involved sometimes there's no choice but to stay for several nights and that's when it can feel intrusive or a bit much.

ChilledToTheBone · 29/11/2023 13:48

I wouldn't think twice about inviting him. No issue other than you making it an issue

LookItsMeAgain · 29/11/2023 13:49

If he's expecting to be fed and watered at yours on Christmas day, he can get his act together, in fact they both can in the run up to Christmas and come for Sunday dinner.

He has kids of his own you say? I'd be letting my daughter know that she could be letting herself in for a whole heap of issues being part of a family set up where the parents are no longer together (going by the types of threads I've seen on MN over the years).

Essentially they (your DD and her BF) should make the effort to mix with the family before Christmas.

DidiAskYouThough · 29/11/2023 13:49

What’s the dilemma? Your son can get a grip, I’m sure.

Roussette · 29/11/2023 13:51

@MargaretSmall I'd met a bf of my DDs just once and he came over Christmas for a week! It's what you have to do.
Whilst he was fine in our house over Christmas, he actually was a complete fuckwit and broke my DDs heart so I was glad to see the back of him eventually, but Christmas was not a problem!

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 29/11/2023 13:51

I'm with your son to be honest. Has this guy got no-one else he can go to on Christmas Day?

Tiiredofthiss · 29/11/2023 13:52

This sounds like a perfect opportunity to get to know your daughter's partner. If you don't make him feel welcome and included then your daughter will be upset and visit less/send future Christmases with her partner.
Your 17 year old will understand when they're an adult in a relationship and want to bring their partner over for Christmas.

DaisyDoor · 29/11/2023 13:52

Definitely have him for dinner and try to approach it with an open mind. The dynamics will change as time passes- your DC will have partner(s) and maybe eventually children and all of these things will mean changes to how you celebrate Christmas. Best to get into the habit of seeing each change as something to be welcomed.

BretonBlue · 29/11/2023 13:52

Quite shitty to blame the 17-year-old when it's clear that you're all reluctant to have an 'outsider' break up your cosy Christmas. You've presumably had a quarter of a century of nuclear family Christmases. It's time to acknowledge that your children aren't children any more.

mumonthehill · 29/11/2023 13:53

We are also facing a changing Christmas as ds has a girlfriend and will likely not be with us. They may then alternate each year. I have decided to embrace the change, i want him to have the Christmas he wants too and life will shift.

Zaney40 · 29/11/2023 13:55

I really don't understand how unsociable you must be to feel awkward about one extra person in the house.

sponsabillaries · 29/11/2023 13:55

Wait until you have to start alternating Christmases with your children's in-laws! Honestly, you've done very well to have 'just the four of you' Christmases for 25 years. It was always going to have to change one day.

CurlewKate · 29/11/2023 13:56

I've always had the "waifs and strays" Christmas house- so I would automatically include him.

Redkatagain · 29/11/2023 13:58

This happened one year with my brother. He had moved in with his gf during the year. My parents invited them both for Christmas lunch.
He came. She didn't.
It turned out later on that he hadn't told her she was invited and she had stayed at home and ate a frozen pizza while he nipped out (for his full roast dinner and presents)

My Mum was furious!

My now SIL is lovely and knows who was to blame!

Wineaddict · 29/11/2023 14:01

Redkatagain · 29/11/2023 13:58

This happened one year with my brother. He had moved in with his gf during the year. My parents invited them both for Christmas lunch.
He came. She didn't.
It turned out later on that he hadn't told her she was invited and she had stayed at home and ate a frozen pizza while he nipped out (for his full roast dinner and presents)

My Mum was furious!

My now SIL is lovely and knows who was to blame!

I’m surprised they got married after that tbh 😳

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 29/11/2023 14:02

I think you should welcome the boyfriend.

You are obviously free to disagree and insist on celebrating with your nuclear family.
Your DD however is also free to be unhappy about this, cut her visit short etc. Or just not come at all.

And it could be the start of longterm issues if they stay together. This might be your future son in law.

Screwballs · 29/11/2023 14:05

I think your son would soon have a change of tune if it was a girl he wanted to have over.

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