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Original poster

Any idea how to resolve this Christmas dilemma?

180 replies

MargaretSmall · 29/11/2023 12:55

So I have two kids aged 25 and 17.

The 25 year old moved out a couple of years ago but only a mile away and we see her most days, very close etc

She's recently got a new boyfriend -it's been about 5 months now. I've met him very briefly twice, my husband has met him briefly once and my 17 year old hasn't met him. Seems like a nice chap from what I can see and she's happy with him.

So .. onto Christmas. We always really enjoy our Christmas's just the 4 of us. She wants him to come for Christmas dinner (he would be alone otherwise as he has children but doesn't see them until
Boxing Day) so she plans to spend Xmas Eve and Christmas Day morning with him, come to us for present opening whilst he pops home to feed his cat, and then he comes for dinner

So the issue... none of us are that keen! Because it's only been such a short time of dating, because we've barely met him and my son not at all and my son has expressed that he'd feel a bit uncomfortable to have somewhere there for Xmas dinner that he's never met before - and we can't meet him before Christmas due to the fact he lives an hour away and other commitments

I just can't tell my daughter though that he's not welcome for Christmas dinner! What's he supposed to do? Sit in her house for a couple of hours on his own?

But then on the other hand, I have my son not massively looking forward to the day now

WWYD?

We will just suck it up I suppose as don't want to cause upset or offence but I'm interested in viewpoints

OP posts:
Drhow · 01/12/2023 02:51

It’s odd you can’t meet him at all in the run up to Christmas because he lives an hour away… An hour is barely any distance at all, I travel an hour to work every day. I’d be making plans to meet him properly before the big day so the ice is already broken personally.

Your son needs to get a grip as well.

LBFseBrom · 01/12/2023 03:35

Aposterhasnoname · 29/11/2023 13:00

If you don’t invite him get ready for your eldest DD not to come either. I wouldn’t if I were her.

Me neither!

Five months is not that long but it is long enough for two adults to know they are an item. If it was just casual, your daughter wouldn't have asked to bring him to yours.

It is beyond me why you and your son don't want him, are we not supposed to welcome strangers - always but particularly at Christmas, the season of good will. It would be inhospitable in the extreme (my mother was like that, talked about 'strangers' and 'outsiders'), to turn him away when he has nowhere to go for Christmas dinner. You might find you like him and have a good time.

I only had one child but when he lived at home with me and his father, all his friends were welcome at any time and we enjoyed it.

You are not setting a good example to your son who sounds unusual; most seventeen year olds like visitors.

Please welcome this chap and relax, if only for your daughter's sake.

KnickerlessParsons · 01/12/2023 03:38

my son has expressed that he'd feel a bit uncomfortable to have somewhere there for Xmas dinner that he's never met before

Tell your son to get over himself and do something nice for someone who would otherwise be alone on Christmas Day.

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Events & celebrations
Topsyturvy78 · 01/12/2023 04:13

Ask the 17 year old to put themselves in your older DC shoes.

BrimfulOfMash · 01/12/2023 04:17

Model being relaxed, welcoming and sociable to your Ds.

He doesn’t get to control who and how his sister introduces new people to the family.

Sholkedabemus · 01/12/2023 04:21

I would definitely invite him and make him feel welcome. I think you and your family are being a bit precious.

PinkyPork · 01/12/2023 06:21

I was in a similar situation to your DD boyfriend early on in a relationship (actually not that early - 1 year in). I'm an expat so no family here. There was some angst about inviting me to spend Christmas with my partner's family and to be honest, 10 years and 2 kids later it still really hurts when I think about it. I did end up being invited but I basically had to ask if I could come!

eurochick · 01/12/2023 06:27

Your christmasses are about to change. If they are still together next Christmas this chap might have his children and your daughter might want to be with them. She's 25 so you've had a good run of christmasses in your bubble of four.

Sjh15 · 01/12/2023 07:45

One day it’ll be your DS wanting to bring a significant other, so it’s a bit unfair of him to just not look forward to the day because of it, you never know, they might really get on and DS might make a new friend!!!

ST10 · 01/12/2023 07:51

I’m afraid once your children get to 18+ the ‘just the 4 of us’ goes out of the window. It’s really sad for you but is just the way things go. I’ve been where your son is as there is a 7 year gap between me and my older brother. I hated it when he started bringing his girlfriends to Xmas because I was still fairly young and didn’t want my Xmas days to change from being just family. Your son is a bit old to feel like this tbh as it will probably be him wanting to invite a partner in the next few years but that protective sibling feeling never goes away. If you want your daughter there, you need to invite her partner especially if he’s alone otherwise. They’re grown up now, your Christmases will be different. Wait until it’s alternating between you and parents in law - then you have the depressing year when you don’t have them at all! Cherish all being together whilst you can.

garlictwist · 01/12/2023 08:47

I don't understand this at all. Invite him. Christmas is meant to be about goodwill to all men etc and opening your home. It will be a good chance to get to know him.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 01/12/2023 09:10

Why does this mean he will be alone? Does he not have parents, siblings, cousins, old mates? The red flag for me would be why he has alienated the rest of his family and social circle?

I'll be by myself at Christmas. Relatives are either dead, the other side of the world or ones I have good reason not to want to see. One DB in the UK and he has to work around an ex and teenagers, and friends spend it with THEIR families. Still at least you got your day's exercise with all that strenuous reaching you did.

Gem2345 · 01/12/2023 09:25

They’ve not been together long now but that’s not to say that this won’t be a significant relationship for your daughter moving forward. Not having him over would set you all off on the wrong step, I wouldn’t want to leave my partner especially on a day that must be hard enough for him already.

I personally wouldn’t dream of not inviting him it’s the season of goodwill after all and the thought of people being alone is heartbreaking.

Newmum288 · 01/12/2023 09:42

I think it would be very mean-spirited not to invite him for the whole day. She’s 25, times change, your status quo can’t continue for much longer anyway surely.

Katela18 · 01/12/2023 10:07

I can actually remember being in your sons position probably around 10 years ago when my brother wanted to bring his girlfriend to family Christmas. I was horrified at the prospect and voiced that to my mum.

Luckily she completely ignored me! Christmas's do change and expand as years go on, which can sometimes be a hard pill to swallow. But we had the best time and she is now my sister in law with them having married last year. The fact they have only been together 5 months is irrelevant in my opinion. They are together now and she obviously is invested enough she wants to spend the day with him.

Try not to go into it with apprenhension, i'm sure you'll have a lovely day :)

LBFseBrom · 01/12/2023 11:23

KnickerlessParsons · 01/12/2023 03:38

my son has expressed that he'd feel a bit uncomfortable to have somewhere there for Xmas dinner that he's never met before

Tell your son to get over himself and do something nice for someone who would otherwise be alone on Christmas Day.

Quite right, Knickerless (love your name, just had to say it :-)).

Cheeseywheel · 01/12/2023 12:45

It’s just been the 4 of you for so long and it’s changing now which inevitably feels sad and unfamiliar. I get it! It’s the end of an era. But your kids are mostly grown up now and will start to want to spend the day with their partners as a priority over you. Then one day they’ll be hosting you with their families. Be grateful that this year she still wants to spend it with you as well as the boyfriend. The best thing to do is welcome him into the family. Hopefully he’ll make the effort with your son and fit right in.

FFF3 · 01/12/2023 12:47

It’s a new stage of life. Welcome them in - you’ll likely have a fair few different guests over the coming years! If you choose to exclude now, it’ll be the kids you lose too. You were never going to have Christmas just the 4 of you forever - although it feels sad, I think you need to start letting go of that phase, and appreciate you’re moving into a (not always comfortable for everyone) new one. Doesn’t really matter if she hasn’t been with him long - she’s currently with him / I’d want to get to know him / plus he is alone, so really rather mean not to.

marshartist · 01/12/2023 12:51

It can’t just be the 4 of you forever… also your son is 17, not a little child. Unless there’s good reason to suspect this bf is not very nice or not good company I don’t think it’s reasonable to exclude him; seems quite strange if it makes your grown up daughter happy and that’s what she would like.
you will make your daughter feel very conflicted if you do not accommodate…

sensationalsally · 01/12/2023 14:07

5 months of dating isn't a "short time"! Do you never, ever invite anyone else for Christmas dinner? Really? Am I alone in finding that a bit unusual?

moomoomoo27 · 01/12/2023 14:41

It's going to be much, much harder for the poor guy than it is for any of you. it's a lot of pressure under which to meet the family properly. Especially when you can't escape easily and everyone does christmas dinner a bit differently so there's usually someone insisting you have something no one really likes, like bread sauce, and knowing your every move will be judged.

If you aren't going to make him feel welcome, don't invite him. It's worse to ruin the relationship long term for the sake of obligation now.

Personally I like having more people around at Christmas, I was bored stiff when it was 4 of us and none of us were kids.

ihavespoken · 01/12/2023 14:59

Lackinginspiration1 · 29/11/2023 13:45

Welcome him in BUT make sure you take plenty of family photos both with and without him, just in case it doesn’t work out!

Grin I recently read advice saying make sure girlfriends / boyfriends are on the edge of group photos so they are easy to crop / cut out if needed!

ColleenDonaghy · 01/12/2023 15:16

By 25 I'd been with now DH for 7 years. You're heading into a new phase now where she may well meet one or more long term partners. Play the long game and welcome them with open arms. I don't think you'll ever regret being warm and welcoming to your children's partners.

NameChangePoP · 01/12/2023 15:30

We have an open house at Christmas here. From about the age of 16, my children would often invite friends/partners over for Christmas who would otherwise be alone.
We love it, and the more the merrier! All I ask is that I know in advance who to expect so I can cater accordingly.

ChocolateMudcake · 01/12/2023 21:22

Could you invite him over to meet your son at some point before Christmas so the not having met is done before the actual day?

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