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Original poster

Any idea how to resolve this Christmas dilemma?

180 replies

MargaretSmall · 29/11/2023 12:55

So I have two kids aged 25 and 17.

The 25 year old moved out a couple of years ago but only a mile away and we see her most days, very close etc

She's recently got a new boyfriend -it's been about 5 months now. I've met him very briefly twice, my husband has met him briefly once and my 17 year old hasn't met him. Seems like a nice chap from what I can see and she's happy with him.

So .. onto Christmas. We always really enjoy our Christmas's just the 4 of us. She wants him to come for Christmas dinner (he would be alone otherwise as he has children but doesn't see them until
Boxing Day) so she plans to spend Xmas Eve and Christmas Day morning with him, come to us for present opening whilst he pops home to feed his cat, and then he comes for dinner

So the issue... none of us are that keen! Because it's only been such a short time of dating, because we've barely met him and my son not at all and my son has expressed that he'd feel a bit uncomfortable to have somewhere there for Xmas dinner that he's never met before - and we can't meet him before Christmas due to the fact he lives an hour away and other commitments

I just can't tell my daughter though that he's not welcome for Christmas dinner! What's he supposed to do? Sit in her house for a couple of hours on his own?

But then on the other hand, I have my son not massively looking forward to the day now

WWYD?

We will just suck it up I suppose as don't want to cause upset or offence but I'm interested in viewpoints

OP posts:
MrsMarzetti · 29/11/2023 16:33

Your son is 17 not 7 surely he has met people he doesn't know, surely you have socialised him ? Your daughters boyfriend hasn't met your son yet but he can obviously manage. If you don't invite him i bet your daughter won't turn up either. Your days of only mum, dad and 2 children have gone.

SurelySmartie · 29/11/2023 16:52

I get that DS won’t feel as relaxed as usual and ideally they would have met before. But they haven’t, and yes he will just have to accept things change and nothing stays the same for ever. There isn’t a set prescribed time that someone in the family has been dating a person before they’re signed off as ‘invite-able’ and if there was, 5 months is probably over it anyway.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/11/2023 17:09

@MargaretSmall

I've always included my sons' girlfriends in our Christmases, whether they'd been dating 2 days or 2 years. In fact, some of them have even spent Christmas Eve night with us. It's Christmas, why wouldn't I want to include someone dear to someone dear to me? It's not like I'm inviting them to move in. It never 'changed the dynamic', other than adding more laughter to the day.

My DS2 (about the same age difference as your two) has always been very shy. It may have taken him a little bit to come out of his shell around his brother's gfs, but in the end he always relaxed and had a great time.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Events & celebrations
Maddy70 · 29/11/2023 17:11

Ffs. Of course he's invited. ....

PieAndLattes · 29/11/2023 17:16

Stop that. He’s your daughter’s boyfriend. He’s important to her. He could be your future son in law. What are the 4 of you doing that’s so precious you wouldn’t want to share it? I’d welcome him with open arms, buy him a nice present, and put him on sprout peeling duty. He could be really fun.

Freakinfraser · 29/11/2023 17:26

KingsleyBorder · 29/11/2023 14:17

One question - you say “otherwise he’d be on his own as he has children but won’t see them till Boxing Day”.

Why does this mean he will be alone? Does he not have parents, siblings, cousins, old mates? The red flag for me would be why he has alienated the rest of his family and social circle?

What the heck, how did you leap to alienated his family and social circle, what the actual fuck, his parents could be dead, he may have no family, they could be miles away, in another country , be no contact due to abuse, and few people want to bother friends on Xmas day.

troppibambini6 · 29/11/2023 17:34

There isnt a dilemma. You're being mean. Its Christmas and it's your daughters boyfriend.
If you're worried about kit knowing him maybe make an effortbetween now and then to get to know him better?

aSpanielintheworks · 29/11/2023 17:41

My eldest is a similar age, 5 months is a reasonable amount of time and in our house, partners would be accepted as part of the family pretty much from the word go.

Can you not have dinner out one evening, or just invite them for a cuppa so everyone can meet before Christmas? Involve them both if they're both so local anyway.
There's a huge opportunity to be gained here.

ElevenSeven · 29/11/2023 17:47

What’s the dilemma? Your DS sounds spoiled btw, not sure why his opinion counts. He’ll have someone to bring (hopefully) one day?

Surely everyone knew it wasn’t going to stay 4 forever. It all sounds a bit insular if you say no. And she might not come at all

AdoraBell · 29/11/2023 17:51

As you have bet him and don’t think bad of him I would invite him along with your DD.

BadBadDecisions · 29/11/2023 17:58

The age your kids are at, the age of the nuclear family Christmas over.

Strap a smile on and sink wine. You never know, it might add a bit of fun.

But then I detest it just being the four of us on Christmas Day. I can eat a sad roast with these suckers any day, give me company!

LlynTegid · 29/11/2023 18:00

I find it hard to believe you could not meet him within the next three weeks, be it at your house, local to you, or local to him. Then your son would have no concerns if there are any.

saraclara · 29/11/2023 18:09

I get it. You've not meet this guy at all. And you're not going to get to meet him before the day.

As welcoming as I'd want to be, I don't think Christmas Day is a good time to meet a boyfriend/girlfriend for the first time. Both events are high stakes. Put them together and what should be a relaxing day turns into a stressful one.

Clearly you don't have any choice really. But this thread is filled with super extrovert ' the more the merrier' posters and we're not all like that. For us it would be have been a suck it up moment, though we wouldn't have dreamed of letting that show.

OP, I think telling your son that you understand his feelings, but one day it who be him who wants to bring a new partner to Christmas, is all you can do.

Quickredfox · 29/11/2023 18:10

Ask more people round. Do something completely different. Don’t just add a extra person and still try to do your usual thing.
Then plan a cosy family thing for Christmas eve or boxing day or whenever.

DidiAskYouThough · 29/11/2023 18:11

@saraclara nah, I’m antisocial and don’t celebrate Christmas, but it’s still not a dilemma at all to have someone’s 6months (at the time) boyfriend sitting eating for an hour or two.

Quitelikeacatslife · 29/11/2023 18:16

Get the 17 year old to invite couple of friends round in the evening, play charades, board games , drinking games have a laugh, make it bit different and fun

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 29/11/2023 18:16

Just suck it up and get your DS to grow up. Family dynamics change, DS needs to accept that.

Siha345 · 29/11/2023 18:39

I’m not sure what your son has to object to. Eating dinner with a stranger isn’t a big deal. My family met one of my sister’s boyfriends for the first time on Christmas Day, I don’t know why we would have objected. You knowing that he’ll be alone if you change your mind would make you pretty mean for rejecting him

DrMarshaFieldstone · 29/11/2023 18:41

saraclara · 29/11/2023 18:09

I get it. You've not meet this guy at all. And you're not going to get to meet him before the day.

As welcoming as I'd want to be, I don't think Christmas Day is a good time to meet a boyfriend/girlfriend for the first time. Both events are high stakes. Put them together and what should be a relaxing day turns into a stressful one.

Clearly you don't have any choice really. But this thread is filled with super extrovert ' the more the merrier' posters and we're not all like that. For us it would be have been a suck it up moment, though we wouldn't have dreamed of letting that show.

OP, I think telling your son that you understand his feelings, but one day it who be him who wants to bring a new partner to Christmas, is all you can do.

She has met him. Twice, albeit ‘briefly’ each time.

Eatbetterthisweek · 29/11/2023 18:44

I thought I was antisocial til I read your post!

FrozenGhost · 29/11/2023 18:58

As for your ds meeting him, surely at this point it would be better to just meet on the day. If he is worried about it being awkward, I find the first meeting with someone can often be the first easiest - you have a lot to talk about because you don't know much about them, you can both ask those getting to know you questions.

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 29/11/2023 19:04

I love having extra guests round at Christmas.. especially when they would otherwise be on their own!!

SallyWD · 29/11/2023 19:16

For goodness sake, just invite him. It's an opportunity to get to know him. Who knows, you might even like him!
What happened to the season of good will?

ZenNudist · 29/11/2023 19:21

Mean not to invite him. It's no big deal. Tell your ds to think of others.

As your dc grow up you need to get used to them spending Christmas away from the family of origin or inviting friends or partners.

Imtootiredtothinkofausername · 29/11/2023 19:52

Echoing the above, Christmas is a season of goodwill! Plus the dynamics will continue to change over the years to come as they get partners, have children etc.
My family always had random guests for Xmas who would otherwise be alone. One year when I was 16 we had a lad who I worked with at McD for Xmas because he was from Portugal and couldn't afford to fly back to his family and my mum couldn't bear the thought of him being alone.

The more the merrier!