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Original poster

Naive or stupid

241 replies

Emily920 · 29/11/2023 10:26

Hi All,

I am a parent to a 5 year old daughter. I separated from her dad about 2 1/2 years ago and I have a new partner who I have been with for almost a year. Things are great with us until the ex situation comes about.

my partner doesn’t have children and wants one, I can also see myself having another which I never thought I would.

he is a great man, the kind of man I’ve always wanted. A real man’s man that looks after me and puts me 1st above everything and he does. He literally lives to make sure me and my daughter are happy and often turns down things with his friends etc just so he can spend time with us as a family which I adore as her dad was the complete opposite and didn’t care at all.

however, he hates the fact I have a child with someone else, he puts up with it and is great with my daughter but the thought of me having to go parents evening with my ex literally makes him feel physically sick or for example, he asked me the other day if I was going to buy my ex a present for Christmas and I said yes but from my daughter. He then over thought that and assumed I was going to go and spend lots of money on him and buy him things I know “He likes” when in reality I’m giving my daughter £10 to go in b&m and buy whatever she wants for him.

he sat me down last night and basically said, he has thought about his future and what he wants from life and whilst he is happy to accept the fact I have an ex in my life, there are certain conditions he won’t budge on. One being the parents evening, he would like me to go to separate meetings or me and him go, and my ex and his new partner go on there own.

whilst part of me thinks that he’s not asking for a lot, I also don’t understand why? He knows full well there is nothing between me and my ex but he just hates the thought of it. He also mentioned about if we finally have a baby then he wouldn’t want me going to my daughter’s school pregnant with my ex and everyone thinking I’m pregnant with his baby which I do understand but at the same time, I think there needs to be some compromise or am I just being totally unreasonable? When I put myself in his shoes, I completely get it. It’s not nice but then when I put myself in my daughter’s shoes, I also feel an extreme amount of guilt.

me and her dad co parent quite nicely, we share 50/50 custody and hardly have to see each other due to school picks ups etc. we only speak if we have to and we are both polite and respectful in front of our daughter. My ex hasn’t caused any problems for us and keeps himself to himself, he even asked me the other day was aftershave my partner likes because he wants to get him a Christmas present to say thank you for sticking around and being a part of our daughters life.

but my partner, is just not playing ball at all. He says he understands that there are going to be times that we are all going to be in the same room and he doesn’t expect me to snub him or be disrespectful but he sees it as me putting my ex first if I choose to go parents evening together because he says it will only effect my exs feelings if I don’t go with him and he wants to know that I don’t care about upsetting me ex if needed. almost like a validation thing to prove to him that I care more about him than I do my ex.

The thing is, me and my ex broke up on good terms. We never really have any trouble and i don’t want to cause unnecessary drama but then my partner sees that as me not putting his feelings first when it’s all i ever do.

how do i handle this situation? I love my partner so much and i am the happiest i have ever been when I'm with him. The thought of losing him literally hurts because he’s perfect in every way but can I live my life on egg shells? Where’s the balance? What can I do to balance it out?

OP posts:
KatBurglar · 29/11/2023 10:30

He’s not perfect, and he isn’t going to change. This will only get worse should you decide to have a child together, and I suspect his behaviour to your DD would deteriorate.

He has ego issues and/or insecurities about your link to another man, and that you have a child with another man.

Red flags, I’m afraid, OP.

gemloving · 29/11/2023 10:34

He sounds insecure which isn't a fault as such I find because I have my own insecurities and jt can be because of your upbringing etc but hard to manage in your situation.

When we had our first parents evening, one of us went and the other one listened to it on the phone. Would this be an alternative?

My husband and I are happily married but a lot of parents do that as often one has work commitments (ours are in the day, not in the evening as such).

WandaWonder · 29/11/2023 10:35

I was waiting to hear something that I thought sounded good, I read till the end and still waiting, he sounds smothering

The usual rinse and repeat of do not have a child with him comes to mind, seems a multible times a day response

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
Comedycook · 29/11/2023 10:37

Wow...so many red flags here.

He sounds really immature and insecure. Do not have a baby with him... seriously. And it's only been about a year? Sounds like he's love bombed you.

Marblessolveeverything · 29/11/2023 10:41

Your partner is insecure and controlling. When people show you their behaviour pay attention.

He may be a good person but he is obviously not emotionally mature enough to navigate this family situ.

This is before you add a further child, I would have grave concerns about his relationship with your daughter. She will witness his behaviour.

Personally I would be telling him to quit overstepping boundaries that are in place to co parent your daughter as non contentious as possible or the relationship doesn't have a future.

fitforflight · 29/11/2023 10:44

End it. You'll regret it if you don't, especially if you have a child with him too.

What happens in 5/8/10/15 years time when your daughter wants both parents at her party, her graduation, her wedding?

If he can't cope with an ex then he's not mature enough to be in a relationship with someone who already has a child.

Red flags a-flying! 🚩

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/11/2023 10:44

A man who has problems with a woman having a child with another man shouldn’t have considered dating a single mum.

His controlling and spiteful behaviour isn’t going to go unnoticed by your DD. It’s going to make her feel vulnerable and scapegoated, it’s going to affect her relationship with her dad, and it will affect her relationship with you, who couldn’t stand up and protect her. This man is utter bad news, and he’s not going to get better.

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/11/2023 10:45

This is a very jealous man, and I would warn you never to get pregnant with him.

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/11/2023 10:47

He should be making your life as easy as possible. He's not doing this, he wants to erase a huge part of your life. It's very immature of him and he is clearly very insecure and controlling.

However you are in the early days and I suspect he has lovebombed you. I doubt whether you're going to take any notice of us and I think you'll probably have a baby with him and live to bitterly regret it.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 29/11/2023 10:48

Jesus. He sounds really jealous.
Your coparenting relationship is good for your daughter and him not accepting that is a huge red flag. I would worry about his treatment of her down the line, especially if you had another child.
Id bin this one

Mazuslongtoenail · 29/11/2023 10:48

He’s asking you to put his comfort and reassurance above your ability to co-parent effectively (and therefore above your child’s interests.)

BIWI · 29/11/2023 10:48

A real man’s man that looks after me and puts me 1st above everything and he does. He literally lives to make sure me and my daughter are happy and often turns down things with his friends etc just so he can spend time with us as a family

This struck me as a massive red flag.

I get that you like him paying you attention, as your ex didn't do that, but this kind of attention is more like coercion.

Does he dislike it when you spend time with your friends, without him, as well?

Do not have children with this man. In fact, do not continue the relationship with this man. He isn't a nice one.

Fourfurrymonsters · 29/11/2023 10:48

He’s not perfect in every way though, is he? He’s manipulative and is trying to control you. A year in and this situation is only going to get worse. For the love of all the gods, don’t get pregnant to this man. Your daughter will suffer for it, badly.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 29/11/2023 10:49

Nope, nope, nope - throw this one back OP, I predict you'd regret it massively if you don't

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 29/11/2023 10:49

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/11/2023 10:47

He should be making your life as easy as possible. He's not doing this, he wants to erase a huge part of your life. It's very immature of him and he is clearly very insecure and controlling.

However you are in the early days and I suspect he has lovebombed you. I doubt whether you're going to take any notice of us and I think you'll probably have a baby with him and live to bitterly regret it.

Yep and then be posting in ten years time about how her young adult daughter wants nothing to do with her or her DP and claim to be completely at a loss as to why…

thebabessavedme · 29/11/2023 10:50

Think forward, what will happen at your dds prom? her engagement party, her wedding, if she has children who will be grandad? Theres loads more to come, its not just about who goes to parents evening.

She obviously has a good relationship with her father, don't spoil this for the sake of a jealous insecure egotistical man, he is NOT putting you or your dd first.

This will become a nightmare for your poor dd as she gets older, imagine always having to pick a side, poor little girl.

Teambyron · 29/11/2023 10:50

The way he treats your daughter will change massively if you have a baby with him. Please don't do it.

EmmasDilemmas · 29/11/2023 10:51

He sounds awful. Really, really awful.

Amicable, joined up co-parenting with your ex is the best thing for your daughter, who is the most important person here.

What is the worst thing that can happen about someone seeing you and your ex at school and assuming he is the father? How does it change anything?

Please don’t let your new partner call the shots. Tell him that the relationship with your ex is a good thing for your daughter and you want to preserve the positives for her. Going to parents evening together isn’t exactly going out for a candlelit dinner. Letting your daughter buy her Dad a few bits and pieces will make her happy. Your new partner needs to understand that you are putting your daughter first, not your ex. If he can’t then I personally would walk away.

Harvestfestivalknickers · 29/11/2023 10:52

So he's putting his feelings before your daughters? Who does she want at her parents evening?
He knew you had a child when you started a relationship so he can't start to dictate how you parent with your ex. Red flag.

Maddy70 · 29/11/2023 10:52

He's a dick. He isn't looking after you and your child otherwise he would know that you both need to co parent effectively for your child. That includes parents evenings etc

Tell him your child's needs overrule his insecurity and to do one

Do not have a child with this man. He's controlling and you're allowing it. He will get worse trust me

Doormatnomore · 29/11/2023 10:57

Parents night is the thin end of the wedge. What about emergency doctor appointments? He won’t want the ex there. Any issues at school, he won’t want you both meeting with the head. School plays? Special birthdays? Funerals? Weddings?

co-parenting is hard, even when everyone is in a good place. This man is creating an issue which only benefits his ego. Who would think you were pregnant with your ex’s baby at parents night? The other parents who see you every day doing drop off and pick up separately? Your kids teacher who knows your kid has 2 houses? The janitor who just wants everyone to piss off hime? Nope, he’s just created a scenario is his head to tell you what to do.

OrigamiOwl · 29/11/2023 10:57

fitforflight · 29/11/2023 10:44

End it. You'll regret it if you don't, especially if you have a child with him too.

What happens in 5/8/10/15 years time when your daughter wants both parents at her party, her graduation, her wedding?

If he can't cope with an ex then he's not mature enough to be in a relationship with someone who already has a child.

Red flags a-flying! 🚩

Absolutely agree with all this.

What happens at your daughter's (potential) birthday parties, prom, engagement party, wedding, her children's birth, etc?

It's his choice if he doesn't want to date someone with an involved co-parent, but that does preclude him dating some single mothers.

WandaWonder · 29/11/2023 10:59

Never mind him controlling your life he is trying to control your child's

And you are letting him, why?

MrTiddlesTheCat · 29/11/2023 11:00

This is actually quite frightening to read. The resentment your boyfriend harbours is really worrying. You do know that he wants a child with you as a replacement for the one you have with your ex don't you? He's pushing your ex out and once you have a child with him he'll do the same with your DD.

Undisclosedlocation · 29/11/2023 11:00

Sounds like he wants to play happy families and basically just pretend you never had an ex. He’s jealous and can’t cope with the fact you’ve had any sort of past
Horrendously immature, weird as f*ck and only likely to get worse. I’d lay odds that as soon as he had his own child, his attitude to your DD will change…….. but he will still try to pull your amicable relationship with her father apart to suit his own pathetic agenda