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Original poster

Naive or stupid

241 replies

Emily920 · 29/11/2023 10:26

Hi All,

I am a parent to a 5 year old daughter. I separated from her dad about 2 1/2 years ago and I have a new partner who I have been with for almost a year. Things are great with us until the ex situation comes about.

my partner doesn’t have children and wants one, I can also see myself having another which I never thought I would.

he is a great man, the kind of man I’ve always wanted. A real man’s man that looks after me and puts me 1st above everything and he does. He literally lives to make sure me and my daughter are happy and often turns down things with his friends etc just so he can spend time with us as a family which I adore as her dad was the complete opposite and didn’t care at all.

however, he hates the fact I have a child with someone else, he puts up with it and is great with my daughter but the thought of me having to go parents evening with my ex literally makes him feel physically sick or for example, he asked me the other day if I was going to buy my ex a present for Christmas and I said yes but from my daughter. He then over thought that and assumed I was going to go and spend lots of money on him and buy him things I know “He likes” when in reality I’m giving my daughter £10 to go in b&m and buy whatever she wants for him.

he sat me down last night and basically said, he has thought about his future and what he wants from life and whilst he is happy to accept the fact I have an ex in my life, there are certain conditions he won’t budge on. One being the parents evening, he would like me to go to separate meetings or me and him go, and my ex and his new partner go on there own.

whilst part of me thinks that he’s not asking for a lot, I also don’t understand why? He knows full well there is nothing between me and my ex but he just hates the thought of it. He also mentioned about if we finally have a baby then he wouldn’t want me going to my daughter’s school pregnant with my ex and everyone thinking I’m pregnant with his baby which I do understand but at the same time, I think there needs to be some compromise or am I just being totally unreasonable? When I put myself in his shoes, I completely get it. It’s not nice but then when I put myself in my daughter’s shoes, I also feel an extreme amount of guilt.

me and her dad co parent quite nicely, we share 50/50 custody and hardly have to see each other due to school picks ups etc. we only speak if we have to and we are both polite and respectful in front of our daughter. My ex hasn’t caused any problems for us and keeps himself to himself, he even asked me the other day was aftershave my partner likes because he wants to get him a Christmas present to say thank you for sticking around and being a part of our daughters life.

but my partner, is just not playing ball at all. He says he understands that there are going to be times that we are all going to be in the same room and he doesn’t expect me to snub him or be disrespectful but he sees it as me putting my ex first if I choose to go parents evening together because he says it will only effect my exs feelings if I don’t go with him and he wants to know that I don’t care about upsetting me ex if needed. almost like a validation thing to prove to him that I care more about him than I do my ex.

The thing is, me and my ex broke up on good terms. We never really have any trouble and i don’t want to cause unnecessary drama but then my partner sees that as me not putting his feelings first when it’s all i ever do.

how do i handle this situation? I love my partner so much and i am the happiest i have ever been when I'm with him. The thought of losing him literally hurts because he’s perfect in every way but can I live my life on egg shells? Where’s the balance? What can I do to balance it out?

OP posts:
BadBadDecisions · 29/11/2023 18:55

funbags3 · 29/11/2023 18:52

What does a Man's man mean?

I imagine a Begbie-type character...

Buddhabobby · 29/11/2023 18:55

Also, just a quick thought on a 'man's man'. I'm ex military and so is my DH, so you'd probably apply that term to him. But, it's not a label that would be embraced by me at all. I can tell you that is a very shallow veneer for controlling and dominating behaviour.

It's not a trait that is entirely positive. You might want to think about why you're using that to justify manipulative behaviour.

ionlywantto · 29/11/2023 18:56

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 29/11/2023 18:32

Anyone old enough to remember Captain Caveman?

Me! Tbf, I think he was considerably more enlightened than the OP's partner.

The poor daughter, OP can make her own choices but her daughter is reliant on OP 😕.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Atethehalloweenchocs · 29/11/2023 18:59

FFS - if your new partner is old enough to have sex, hold a job and be in a relationship, he is old enough to put his big boy pants on and deal with a situation which he does not find ideal.

Maddy70 · 29/11/2023 19:01

Yes I have been both rhe child in a divorce with step parents and also teh oarebt.

No-one was jealous of the other parents. Why would they be? They chose not to be with each other

Children come first. If they don't you are a shit parent too

Hes a controlling , Insecure arsehole who will damage you and your child.

funbags3 · 29/11/2023 19:02

That level of jealousy is so ugly.

Teambyron · 29/11/2023 19:02

funbags3 · 29/11/2023 18:52

What does a Man's man mean?

It means he treats men well so they like him and think he's friendly and a laugh.

TheShellBeach · 29/11/2023 19:03

The thought of losing him literally hurts because he’s perfect in every way but can I live my life on egg shells?

Well, if you're "living your life on eggshells", this new man is hardly "perfect in every way".

Mischance · 29/11/2023 19:04

He seems to be a very insecure man and that is not likely to change. If you plan to stay with him you need to factor that in and be prepared to cope with it long term.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 29/11/2023 19:05

I personally think you're all being quite harsh

You're the one who titled your thread Naive or Stupid so on some level you do actually know he's not a Prince among men

pictoosh · 29/11/2023 19:05

'Man's man' seems to be defined as a man who is more comfortable in the company of other men than with women.
I don't think OP meant that though...possibly 'macho man'.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 29/11/2023 19:05

OP you are being very defensive. There is nothing wrong with him having and expressing his feelings. But asking you to change the behaviours which have helped you successfully co parent your daughter like going to separate parents evenings is ridiculous and immature.

Vinrouge4 · 29/11/2023 19:06

Why did you bother to post if you don't like the replies? I can assure you he is not the man that every woman dreams of. He sounds jealous, immature and hard work.

AnneKipankitoo · 29/11/2023 19:06

Just NO

Foxblue · 29/11/2023 19:08

What's best for your daughter?
For you and your ex to have an amicable co-parenting relationship, where throughout her life she doesn't feel awkward about you, or your new partners, all being in the same room together.

So, in light of this - if you agreed to these terms:
Are you doing what's best for your daughter?
Is your partner doing what's best for your daughter?

And no, it's not normal to be this jealous of exes - but even if a little jealousy is normal, it's a HIM problem that he needs to go to therapy for, not a problem you need to disrupt a good co-parenting relationship for?

Put your daughter first.

Do not be that woman in 20 years whose partner is grumpy at your daughters wedding because you shared a proud word, an amicable conversation, and a joke with your ex.

You have yet to find anyone who thinks this is reasonable, so with respect, if you agree to these terms, you are actively agreeing to something that WILL have a negative effect on your daughter. So don't ever say things like 'my daughter comes first' again, because you will be proving that's not true.

Hatty65 · 29/11/2023 19:11

My partner is what every women dreams of. He adores me and he adores my daughter. I Don’t think he is controlling at all, he is a man that wants his women to be his women and no one else’s.

This is so very far from what I dream of that I wonder if you have any idea of what normal, adult relationships are like. And I speak as someone who had children with an ex - and have been happily married to my second DH for 20 odd years, having also had DC with him.

He has never been bothered about the fact that I came with a ready made family, tried to control my interactions with me ex, or treated any of the children differently.

It's massively concerning that your current man, in your words, hates the fact I have a child with someone else, he puts up with it.

I would end the relationship. And look for someone that doesn't try to control you or hate the fact that you have a child or have had past relationships. He's not 'a man's man'. He's an insecure little pipsqueak.

Oxfrog · 29/11/2023 19:11

The point at which you’ll think back to this thread, and maybe read it again, is the point when he escalates his behaviour past what you can justify as romantic. But he won’t do that until you’re tied to him, probably when you get pregnant. Maybe it will be the way he starts to treat your daughter once his own progeny are around. Maybe it will be when he starts to manipulate you to join in scapegoating her. But you’ll be more interwoven with him, emotionally and financially, so that as the rose tinted glasses come off you find other reasons to make excuses despite your growing sense of hollow dissatisfaction. Hopefully then though you will find the strength and the means to leave before your relationship with your daughter is wrecked.

Abouttoblow · 29/11/2023 19:13

Ask him how he would feel if he was the dad in this scenario.

Would he be happy for a man he didn't know dictating that he couldn't go to any meeting regarding his child with his child's mother?

I bet he wouldn't.

PaminaMozart · 29/11/2023 19:14

3 things you need to do, @Emily920 :

  • put your daughter first
  • carefully consider where this might be heading if you stay with this man
  • absolutely nail down your contraception - don't even think of having a child with this man.
(If you ignore the last point, you'll spend the next 18 years dancing to his tune. And boy, will he make you dance..).
Autieangel · 29/11/2023 19:16

Op please listen. This is his starting negotiations. It sounds almost reasonable, it's not a lot to ask. He will move the goal posts, there will be more things he has issue with and may lead to resentment of your dd. How is he about you having male friends, socialising?

This is your dd and her father, you should co parent and put your dd first. This man has no right to dictate how you parent or to interfere with your dd relationship with her father.

The more you commit the worse this will get. Tell him no his requests are unreasonable and you will decide how to parent your child. See how lovely he is when you defy him.

greyhairnomore · 29/11/2023 19:16

Almost every person has told you he's controlling , but you won't accept it.
He's jealous and immature.
He shouldn't have got into a relationship with a woman who co parents.
You haven't answered what happens in the future if your daughter wants both her parents at a life event eg wedding.
People do get involved with people with exes and don't behave like this.

Sighhhhh · 29/11/2023 19:17

Could this be a reverse?

Dobbybigearsdog · 29/11/2023 19:18

I had one like this, I was apparently his world and didn’t want to share me. Didn’t want me going out, other men looking at me - got to the point I couldn’t even go out without a man looking at me and him hitting the roof. Came to a head when he punched me in the face in front of my then 8 year old

funbags3 · 29/11/2023 19:18

@Sighhhhh Would make more sense.

dottyshihtzu · 29/11/2023 19:21

Surely no one actually likes the idea of an ex being involved? No one goes into a relationship with someone that has a child and is over the moon about the ex being involved so the fact that you are all jumping at the “controlling” comment is disturbing.

A man this jealous and insecure shouldn't get involved with a woman with a child then, if the child's father being involved with his own child makes him 'physically sick'.

yes I don’t like the fact that he has asked but not for one second have I thought it’s controlling,

If you don't think it's controlling, what's the reason you don't like it?

almost like a validation thing to prove to him that I care more about him than I do my ex.

Right now, it's 'just' your ex. Next, it'll be you talking to and spending time with your friends that's a problem, and you'll be needing to prove that you care about him more than them.

Then spending time with your family will become problematic, because focusing on them makes him feel invalidated, and you'll be needing to prove that you care about him more than them.

Then you'll have a baby with him, and your daughter will become problematic, because focusing on her will make him and his baby feel invalidated, and you'll be needing to prove to him that you care about them more than her...

My partner is what every women dreams of.

If by 'dreams of', you mean 'has nightmares about', then yes. The posters here aren't being spiteful or just jealous of your man/relationship, or whatever. They're responding as they are because they've lived it and recognise the red flags. Some understand all too well how much worse it will get if you have a baby with this man, and are trying to prevent you from making a big mistake that will not only affect you, but your daughter too. Hopefully you'll take it on board.