Naive or stupid

[Emily920]

Hi All,

I am a parent to a 5 year old daughter. I separated from her dad about 2 1/2 years ago and I have a new partner who I have been with for almost a year. Things are great with us until the ex situation comes about.

my partner doesn’t have children and wants one, I can also see myself having another which I never thought I would.

he is a great man, the kind of man I’ve always wanted. A real man’s man that looks after me and puts me 1st above everything and he does. He literally lives to make sure me and my daughter are happy and often turns down things with his friends etc just so he can spend time with us as a family which I adore as her dad was the complete opposite and didn’t care at all.

however, he hates the fact I have a child with someone else, he puts up with it and is great with my daughter but the thought of me having to go parents evening with my ex literally makes him feel physically sick or for example, he asked me the other day if I was going to buy my ex a present for Christmas and I said yes but from my daughter. He then over thought that and assumed I was going to go and spend lots of money on him and buy him things I know “He likes” when in reality I’m giving my daughter £10 to go in b&m and buy whatever she wants for him.

he sat me down last night and basically said, he has thought about his future and what he wants from life and whilst he is happy to accept the fact I have an ex in my life, there are certain conditions he won’t budge on. One being the parents evening, he would like me to go to separate meetings or me and him go, and my ex and his new partner go on there own.

whilst part of me thinks that he’s not asking for a lot, I also don’t understand why? He knows full well there is nothing between me and my ex but he just hates the thought of it. He also mentioned about if we finally have a baby then he wouldn’t want me going to my daughter’s school pregnant with my ex and everyone thinking I’m pregnant with his baby which I do understand but at the same time, I think there needs to be some compromise or am I just being totally unreasonable? When I put myself in his shoes, I completely get it. It’s not nice but then when I put myself in my daughter’s shoes, I also feel an extreme amount of guilt.

me and her dad co parent quite nicely, we share 50/50 custody and hardly have to see each other due to school picks ups etc. we only speak if we have to and we are both polite and respectful in front of our daughter. My ex hasn’t caused any problems for us and keeps himself to himself, he even asked me the other day was aftershave my partner likes because he wants to get him a Christmas present to say thank you for sticking around and being a part of our daughters life.

but my partner, is just not playing ball at all. He says he understands that there are going to be times that we are all going to be in the same room and he doesn’t expect me to snub him or be disrespectful but he sees it as me putting my ex first if I choose to go parents evening together because he says it will only effect my exs feelings if I don’t go with him and he wants to know that I don’t care about upsetting me ex if needed. almost like a validation thing to prove to him that I care more about him than I do my ex.

The thing is, me and my ex broke up on good terms. We never really have any trouble and i don’t want to cause unnecessary drama but then my partner sees that as me not putting his feelings first when it’s all i ever do.

how do i handle this situation? I love my partner so much and i am the happiest i have ever been when I'm with him. The thought of losing him literally hurts because he’s perfect in every way but can I live my life on egg shells? Where’s the balance? What can I do to balance it out?

My partner is what every women dreams of.

Absolutely nothing about your partner is what I or any of the women I know would ever want in a relationship. That you seem to think it is is quite worrying, because it’s ultimately what makes you very vulnerable to putting up with controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour by telling yourself that other people are only warning you about him because they’re jealous of your perfect man.

He adores me and he adores my daughter.

He doesn’t adore your daughter, if he can’t put aside his own jealousy and insecurity to recognise that a child having two parents who genuinely like each other and can happily be in the same room together for the benefit of their child is a brilliant thing. Fuck me, apart from anything else he shouldn’t adore your daughter - he’s known you and her a matter of months, you should only be just introducing the two of them more fully to each other right now, not having enmeshed him so much into her life and her home that he can even claim to adore her.

Do you not have any properly good female friends, or a mum, who will want what’s best for you?

Your second post is even more concerning than your first. You don't want to accept that he isn't a controlling twat. Don't have a child with him ever. My guess that your daughter that he adores at the moment will swiftly become ignored and sidelined in favour of his new child! It's all an act to lure you in and he will switch as soon as you have a new baby together.

The other thing is schools will not give you two appointments for each teacher just because he isn't adult enough to let you attend with your ex.

I don't think anything anyone says here will make you change your mind, but I agree with everyone, this is not a healthy relationship, he's not the sort of man every woman dreams of . Sadly, these men tend to get worse once they get the woman pregnant.

I think man's man = dominating and controlling in this situation. It's also not healthy for your daughter to witness and think it's normal or ok

My partner is what every women dreams of.
No sane woman dreams of a man who insists she stop a functional co-parenting relationship.

I Don’t think he is controlling at all, he is a man that wants his women to be his women and no one else’s and in most relationships that’s pretty standard but when a child is involved and an ex, I can understand why he might feel threatened.

"His woman"? Leaving aside the absolutely nauseating context you've provided, what exactly does this paragon of masculinity think happens when you co-parent that makes you less "his"?

No man worth being with would be threatened by a working arrangement that is in the best interests of the child.

Yea it's only separate parents evening now! Such a simple boundary until the next one and the next onwards and the next one.

Controlling and abuse relationships start will small demands that are so reasonable as they just love you so much.

Please read up on love bombing

That's a massive red flag. If he has a jealous tendency he definitely shouldn't date anyone with a child. he is being totally unreasonable. It's nice and a massive benefit to your DD that you get on OK with her dad, and you shouldn't change that for your new partner. Your DD is the absolute priority. I was already concerned when you said about him not doing things with friends so he can see you and your DD, I think that's a bit weird to, just cos he's with you doesn't mean he can't see his friends. Really really consider if having a baby with this man is a good idea.

Just read your update and sorry but you're wildly deluded. "he is a man that wants his women to be his women and no one else’s and in most relationships that’s pretty standard" - no it's really not standard. And definitely not where you have a child with someone else. He doesn't own you, you are an equal and independent human. Please please consider ending this relationship and seeking some counselling for yourself, to improve your self worth.

TBH OP, I have no idea why you started this thread. You are 'his woman', you want us all to say 'oh how lovely what a wonderful man', all I can see is a deluded woman who is ready to throw her little dd under a bus because you are not prepared to put your child first. You have had more than enough comments to tell you you are in the wrong , all we hear now is 'but I luuvvvve him'

Crack on, but be prepared to lose your dd and her love and respect, hope he's worth it!

Also, this shit about your past life making him 'physically sick' is absolute manipulative bullshit.

Please know this isn't how normal relationships are, because you sound like you think it's all grand.

He's really not what every woman dreams of. I don't dream of a man who puts his selfish, jealous needs above that of my child. Your child needs to see her parents getting along and co parenting.

The usual rinse and repeat of do not have a child with him comes to mind, seems a multible times a day response

This. This. And this again.

I thought the same.

OP, the man is seriously weird. You don't need him.

My partner is what every women dreams of. He adores me and he adores my daughter. I Don’t think he is controlling at all, he is a man that wants his women to be his women and no one else’s and in most relationships that’s pretty standard but when a child is involved and an ex, I can understand why he might feel threatened.

i almost feel like he thinks I belong somewhere else because I have a child and he doesn’t or can’t believe that I love him and don’t love or have feelings for my ex.

This has more red flags than a joint parade by Russia & China.

This. OP, come on.

Even if you have such utterly skewed standards for yourself, your daughter deserves better than an insecure, controlling stepfather who tolerates her but can’t bear any reminder that she is the product of a previous relationship.

Now it’s parent-teacher meetings, but how will she feel at big milestones in her life — significant birthdays, graduation ceremonies, weddings etc — if her mother has to placate a man who can’t cope with the fact his stepdaughter has her own father and his wife had a previous relationship, and remains on amiable co-parenting terms with her daughter’s father?

We don’t even need to look that far ahead. Imagine you have a baby together and your daughter resents the baby, or bumps it, or does any of the ordinary understandable things small children do or feel about new siblings?

Seeing teachers separately when you are co-parenting 50-50 will hurt your dd. Maybe not on the day when the teacher says she is an angel and there are no issue. But what if something happens? From a struggle with school work to bullying. Don’t you think your dd would benefit massively from the both of you to be there to sort out the issue together?

Putting ‘boundaries’ when your are co-parenting so well just means putting hurdles in that co-parenting relationship. Your dd will suffer from that.

As for ‘it’s just the parent evening’.
Right …. What will happen when your dd will change school, there is an issue at school/hobby, your ur dd falls ill. How do you think he is going to react to an increased, an absolutely necessary, increase in contact will happen? Do you want u think he’ll accept it? Because I don’t it. And then again, it’s your dd that will suffer.

So no I don’t believe he will never do anything that would hurt your dd. Because he already has.

Jealous, insecure, manipulative and controlling.

Yes, your dd is affected by his refusal to qllow you to be in a room with your ex - her parents don't get the same info, can't attend events etc. What happens when it's the nativity? Sports day? Ballet show?!

I bet he has issues with other previous boyfriends. Hates the thought of you having sex with anyone else and you are not allowed to ever mention past relationships?

I also agree with pp - if he hasn't already, he will soon start restricting how and when you go out. It will start all loving and because you are "his woman" <boak> eg insisting on collecting you at a set time from dinner with girlfriends, commenting on what you wear (he doesn't want other men looking at you), suggesting certain friends are a bad influence, questioning why you would want to be away from him anyway....

Of course, if he gets you pregnant asap you will be stuck close to home and it will be easier to manage you. I hope you have rock solid contraception. Do not rely on him for it in any way.

Good luck to you OP. You’re clearly going to need it.

Incredible red flags but be thankful he's shown them. Possessive, insecure, likely to get worse the longer together, more ties. I would truly end this now. Unbelievable attitude and from experience, will never improve, only become more possessive and jealous as you pander to his insecure demands. Honestly, DV warnings here.

You should dump him. But you won't.
You should put your daughter first before his wants/needs. But you won't.
A parents evening - fucks sake. He is like a jealous child. My 6yo has more maturity.

I can't believe he thinks it OK to lay this shitty behaviour at your door. He should know that your daughter will always come first and it sounds as if you and your ex put on a united front for her. He really needs to butt out.

Hey OP, why did you ask if you aren't prepared to hear what everyone is saying?

He doesn't like that you share a child with someone. The only thing that will make him happy is if you give your child to your ex.

Honestly OP, does it not concern you that everybody is saying the same thing? That this man is wearing a mask and pretending to be what you want him to be? He is a wolf in sheep's clothing and you can't see it yet.

You will in time, but it'll be too late to avoid damaging your daughter. Personally I would always be focused on what's in my child's best interests and not on my new boyfriend's wants, but hey.

The behaviour and comments he has made are so alarming. This is a pattern that precedes abuse. You should prioritise your child's well being like maybe her father having full custody...

Yeh, he’s not what I dream of. You’re describing of him wanting you just to be his makes my skin crawl not think ah how lovely an alpha male and does not give me romantic feelings