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Original poster

Naive or stupid

241 replies

Emily920 · 29/11/2023 10:26

Hi All,

I am a parent to a 5 year old daughter. I separated from her dad about 2 1/2 years ago and I have a new partner who I have been with for almost a year. Things are great with us until the ex situation comes about.

my partner doesn’t have children and wants one, I can also see myself having another which I never thought I would.

he is a great man, the kind of man I’ve always wanted. A real man’s man that looks after me and puts me 1st above everything and he does. He literally lives to make sure me and my daughter are happy and often turns down things with his friends etc just so he can spend time with us as a family which I adore as her dad was the complete opposite and didn’t care at all.

however, he hates the fact I have a child with someone else, he puts up with it and is great with my daughter but the thought of me having to go parents evening with my ex literally makes him feel physically sick or for example, he asked me the other day if I was going to buy my ex a present for Christmas and I said yes but from my daughter. He then over thought that and assumed I was going to go and spend lots of money on him and buy him things I know “He likes” when in reality I’m giving my daughter £10 to go in b&m and buy whatever she wants for him.

he sat me down last night and basically said, he has thought about his future and what he wants from life and whilst he is happy to accept the fact I have an ex in my life, there are certain conditions he won’t budge on. One being the parents evening, he would like me to go to separate meetings or me and him go, and my ex and his new partner go on there own.

whilst part of me thinks that he’s not asking for a lot, I also don’t understand why? He knows full well there is nothing between me and my ex but he just hates the thought of it. He also mentioned about if we finally have a baby then he wouldn’t want me going to my daughter’s school pregnant with my ex and everyone thinking I’m pregnant with his baby which I do understand but at the same time, I think there needs to be some compromise or am I just being totally unreasonable? When I put myself in his shoes, I completely get it. It’s not nice but then when I put myself in my daughter’s shoes, I also feel an extreme amount of guilt.

me and her dad co parent quite nicely, we share 50/50 custody and hardly have to see each other due to school picks ups etc. we only speak if we have to and we are both polite and respectful in front of our daughter. My ex hasn’t caused any problems for us and keeps himself to himself, he even asked me the other day was aftershave my partner likes because he wants to get him a Christmas present to say thank you for sticking around and being a part of our daughters life.

but my partner, is just not playing ball at all. He says he understands that there are going to be times that we are all going to be in the same room and he doesn’t expect me to snub him or be disrespectful but he sees it as me putting my ex first if I choose to go parents evening together because he says it will only effect my exs feelings if I don’t go with him and he wants to know that I don’t care about upsetting me ex if needed. almost like a validation thing to prove to him that I care more about him than I do my ex.

The thing is, me and my ex broke up on good terms. We never really have any trouble and i don’t want to cause unnecessary drama but then my partner sees that as me not putting his feelings first when it’s all i ever do.

how do i handle this situation? I love my partner so much and i am the happiest i have ever been when I'm with him. The thought of losing him literally hurts because he’s perfect in every way but can I live my life on egg shells? Where’s the balance? What can I do to balance it out?

OP posts:
Ginmonkeyagain · 30/11/2023 07:28

I am not going to lie, being with someone who has a child with someone else can be hard. I've done it for 18 years now.

But what you absolutely want if possible is for them to have a good and involved relationship with their child's other parent. Trust me, it makes things so much better and easier.

Your partner is not a good man- he is immature, childish and jealous. He is not ready for a relationship that requires him to be a mature adult and realise he is not always the most important person in the room.

He needs to walk away and do some growing up.

TedMullins · 30/11/2023 07:59

You asked if any step parents were speaking from experience. I’m not now, but in the past I dated someone with kids. Never had a problem with his ex or their communication, it’s to be expected. I wouldn’t have an issue with someone being on friendly terms with an ex even if no kids were involved. If he has ideas about “his woman being his and no one else’s” then it doesn’t sound like he has very nice views about women. It’s a red flag. Another one saying it’s controlling and doesn’t bode well.

desperatemum24 · 30/11/2023 09:04

I'd say no to this personally. Parent teacher meetings are a good op to discuss how your child is doing with the teacher together. If u and your ex get on well enough you should do it together

And I have kids to an ex , my dh has no issues with me meeting him for child related stuff and not should he.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Comedycook · 30/11/2023 10:02

No one goes into a relationship with someone that has a child and is over the moon about the ex being involved

Incorrect. Decent people would actually be pleased the child has a good relationship with both their parents. If your partner genuinely cared about your dd, he'd be pleased she has an involved father.

Why did you start this thread op? If you think everything is fine and he's being totally reasonable, why did you ask other people their views? Truth is, you know it's a huge red flag

TheShellBeach · 30/11/2023 10:15

Why did you start this thread op? If you think everything is fine and he's being totally reasonable, why did you ask other people their views?

That'll be because of them there eggshells

piperpheobepruepaige · 30/11/2023 10:17

When you have to keep saying "he's not a bad person" then surely that tells you something.

Seriously - this man has such an issue that you have an ex - please dont have a baby with him, your dd will suffer when that happens trust me

Original poster
Emily920 · 30/11/2023 12:36

I spoke with him last night and he has agreed to compromise with parents evening for the sake of my daughter. He said it’s not something he is comfortable with but understands that it needs to be done and he is ok with it. I explained my reasoning and he gets it but I can see it’s hard for him to accept so we will see how it goes from here.

thanks for your advice, not that I have taken any notice of it because it’s absolutely crazy but one thing it has done is made me realise that it’s not something I will compromise on as it’s for my daughters well being and I have made that very clear and put the ball in his court.

OP posts:
SavBlancTonight · 30/11/2023 12:52

Well, that's something. But I'm still concerned.

I notice you still haven't said what happens when you want to go out with girlfriends or if you always have to take him along? Does he get stressed if you're out for a night out in case other men hit on you?

As for him claiming that birthdays and weddings will be fine - I honestly can't see how that isa men but not the parents evening. or perhaps it's just because he can't come to parent evening to keep an eye on things but he can to a wedding? At our school, only 2 adults per child for nativity - what about that one for him?

Headband · 30/11/2023 12:57

He's agreed to a compromise? Makes it sound like he's doing you a favour.

Puffypuffin · 30/11/2023 13:01

Is actually run a mile from this man.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/11/2023 13:16

Emily920 · 30/11/2023 12:36

I spoke with him last night and he has agreed to compromise with parents evening for the sake of my daughter. He said it’s not something he is comfortable with but understands that it needs to be done and he is ok with it. I explained my reasoning and he gets it but I can see it’s hard for him to accept so we will see how it goes from here.

thanks for your advice, not that I have taken any notice of it because it’s absolutely crazy but one thing it has done is made me realise that it’s not something I will compromise on as it’s for my daughters well being and I have made that very clear and put the ball in his court.

Any woman who can read the identical advice of a couple of hundred other completely independent and impartial women with absolutely nothing invested in her or her relationship and no reason to bother responding to her post about it except out of experience and concern, and then deride every single one of those pieces of advice as absolutely crazy rubbish that she won’t be taking any notice of, is a woman who’s got a fall in front of her.

We’ll see you back here in a couple of years, OP, no doubt with a different username, and probably having taken a few punches to the head when your bloke decides that that’s the only way he can get it through to you that you mustn’t have anything to do with your ex.

desperatemum24 · 30/11/2023 13:17

Good to hear hopefully he is a good egg with some insecurities. It's good that he took the news well about parents evening.
I hope for yours and your dd sake you are right.

ElaineMBenes · 30/11/2023 13:24

We’ll see you back here in a couple of years, OP, no doubt with a different username, and probably having taken a few punches to the head when your bloke decides that that’s the only way he can get it through to you that you mustn’t have anything to do with your ex.

I have to agree with this.

@Emily920 your posts actually gave me chills. Your descriptions of you partner are eerily close to how my sister described her partner. You even use the same phrases.
Unfortunately, she is no longer here because it turned out he wasn't willing to compromise after all. And he wanted her to be his, and only his, so much he killed her.
There are red flags galore here and you should be putting your daughter first.

BadBadDecisions · 30/11/2023 13:35

Emily920 · 30/11/2023 12:36

I spoke with him last night and he has agreed to compromise with parents evening for the sake of my daughter. He said it’s not something he is comfortable with but understands that it needs to be done and he is ok with it. I explained my reasoning and he gets it but I can see it’s hard for him to accept so we will see how it goes from here.

thanks for your advice, not that I have taken any notice of it because it’s absolutely crazy but one thing it has done is made me realise that it’s not something I will compromise on as it’s for my daughters well being and I have made that very clear and put the ball in his court.

Well that's big of him, to compromise on something that's for fuck all to do with him.

What about the next thing?

LylaLee · 30/11/2023 13:53

Read @ElaineMBenes post. Sorry for your loss. The women who were lost are not able to post here. You're getting advice from their friends and family and from those who got away. How will your DC get on without you?

Crunchymum · 30/11/2023 14:02

How and why is this man so involved and entwined in your DD's life after such a relatively short amount of time?

funbags3 · 30/11/2023 14:08

That's a hell of a lot of people to call crazy, OP.

KatBurglar · 30/11/2023 14:13

I'm sorry for your loss, @ElaineMBenes Flowers

It happened to a woman I knew, and the devastation it caused her children, the extended family, the community wads beyond words.

He too was a "loving" man who wanted "his woman to be his and no one else's."

OP, we're not crazy, we've just seen this story played out before among our sisters, friends, cousins, workmates. We know how it ends, and it's never good.

We'd like to spare you that. We'd like to spare every woman that.

Tykwai55 · 30/11/2023 14:24

Absolutely agree. OP has full blinkers on. No reasonable, rational "good man" would have a single issue with the co-parenting set-up described here. I would not EVER be with someone who tried to prescribe my behaviour and never, ever someone who called me "his woman" in this possessive manner. It's not flattering, it's worrying.

OP won't listen. Will find out in years to come. I've seen this happen various times. Twice, I've seen women have children with the new partner, ends up the child from previous relationship ends up forced out of house by the new partner over the course of several years. Also, DV. So many red flags.

PaminaMozart · 30/11/2023 16:18

you’ve all gone mad about him being controlling and abusive because he has asked for me to go to separate parents evenings.

You think you've solved this one big problem because he has generously agreed to compromise. But why are focusing on this instead of the bigger picture and all the red flags that litter your relationship with this man?

The following are your words:

[Am i] Naive or stupid
A real man’s man
he hates the fact I have a child with someone else
me having to go parents evening with my ex literally makes him feel physically sick
I feel an extreme amount of guilt
I Don’t think he is controlling at all, he is a man that wants his women to be his women and no one else’s

... and most chillingly:
- he is trying to set boundaries so that he can have his desired future with me and be happy.
- he’s perfect in every way but can I live my life on egg shells?
**
He is giving you plenty of warning of his intentions to control you. Once you have a child with him, this will escalate.

I fear for your daughter's well-being, and yours. This man will eventually make you deeply unhappy. You will forever be walking on eggshells, desperately trying to stay within his 'boundaries' and hoping you won't inadvertently upset him - because by then you'll have learned that upsetting him is bad news.

funbags3 · 30/11/2023 16:24

This could have been written by the man, IMO.

Newestname002 · 30/11/2023 16:29

Emily920 · 30/11/2023 12:36

I spoke with him last night and he has agreed to compromise with parents evening for the sake of my daughter. He said it’s not something he is comfortable with but understands that it needs to be done and he is ok with it. I explained my reasoning and he gets it but I can see it’s hard for him to accept so we will see how it goes from here.

thanks for your advice, not that I have taken any notice of it because it’s absolutely crazy but one thing it has done is made me realise that it’s not something I will compromise on as it’s for my daughters well being and I have made that very clear and put the ball in his court.

I'm sad you've decided this way because this man has thrown you a small sop to gain a much greater part in your life and the life of your daughter.

I really hope that you've read him right, despite your original post, and that everyone who's given you "crazy" advice is wrong. Best wishes to you and your child for a safe and happy future. 🌹

TheShellBeach · 30/11/2023 17:02

@ElaineMBenes
I am so sorry for your loss.
Flowers

OP you're going to see the truth of what we've posted here soon.

I'm afraid for your daughter and I'm afraid for you.

TheShellBeach · 30/11/2023 17:07

And OP - you asked if you were naive or stupid.

I think this thread has shown that you are both, unfortunately.

Puffypuffin · 30/11/2023 17:13

OP if you really don't want to hear honest answers there's really no point in posting. You don't want to hear it.