Naive or stupid

[Emily920]

Hi All,

I am a parent to a 5 year old daughter. I separated from her dad about 2 1/2 years ago and I have a new partner who I have been with for almost a year. Things are great with us until the ex situation comes about.

my partner doesn’t have children and wants one, I can also see myself having another which I never thought I would.

he is a great man, the kind of man I’ve always wanted. A real man’s man that looks after me and puts me 1st above everything and he does. He literally lives to make sure me and my daughter are happy and often turns down things with his friends etc just so he can spend time with us as a family which I adore as her dad was the complete opposite and didn’t care at all.

however, he hates the fact I have a child with someone else, he puts up with it and is great with my daughter but the thought of me having to go parents evening with my ex literally makes him feel physically sick or for example, he asked me the other day if I was going to buy my ex a present for Christmas and I said yes but from my daughter. He then over thought that and assumed I was going to go and spend lots of money on him and buy him things I know “He likes” when in reality I’m giving my daughter £10 to go in b&m and buy whatever she wants for him.

he sat me down last night and basically said, he has thought about his future and what he wants from life and whilst he is happy to accept the fact I have an ex in my life, there are certain conditions he won’t budge on. One being the parents evening, he would like me to go to separate meetings or me and him go, and my ex and his new partner go on there own.

whilst part of me thinks that he’s not asking for a lot, I also don’t understand why? He knows full well there is nothing between me and my ex but he just hates the thought of it. He also mentioned about if we finally have a baby then he wouldn’t want me going to my daughter’s school pregnant with my ex and everyone thinking I’m pregnant with his baby which I do understand but at the same time, I think there needs to be some compromise or am I just being totally unreasonable? When I put myself in his shoes, I completely get it. It’s not nice but then when I put myself in my daughter’s shoes, I also feel an extreme amount of guilt.

me and her dad co parent quite nicely, we share 50/50 custody and hardly have to see each other due to school picks ups etc. we only speak if we have to and we are both polite and respectful in front of our daughter. My ex hasn’t caused any problems for us and keeps himself to himself, he even asked me the other day was aftershave my partner likes because he wants to get him a Christmas present to say thank you for sticking around and being a part of our daughters life.

but my partner, is just not playing ball at all. He says he understands that there are going to be times that we are all going to be in the same room and he doesn’t expect me to snub him or be disrespectful but he sees it as me putting my ex first if I choose to go parents evening together because he says it will only effect my exs feelings if I don’t go with him and he wants to know that I don’t care about upsetting me ex if needed. almost like a validation thing to prove to him that I care more about him than I do my ex.

The thing is, me and my ex broke up on good terms. We never really have any trouble and i don’t want to cause unnecessary drama but then my partner sees that as me not putting his feelings first when it’s all i ever do.

how do i handle this situation? I love my partner so much and i am the happiest i have ever been when I'm with him. The thought of losing him literally hurts because he’s perfect in every way but can I live my life on egg shells? Where’s the balance? What can I do to balance it out?

This is a nightmare waiting to happen.

He is showing you that he is jealous, insecure, unresonable, and most of all completely disregards and refuses to accept the cordial co parenting relationship you have with your ex, which is to be applauded. He is putting it at risk, and in turn putting the relationship between your child and her father at risk. He is showing you that he is incapable of compromise, and of putting your feelings before his own for the greater good, and of treating your childs needs as paramount.

To be a decent step dad, he will have to be able to recognise that your child comes first.

A "man's man'? He doesn't want other people thinking you're pregnant with another mans baby? He is a Neanderthal throwback, you will regret it if you pursue this relationship, take off your rose tinted glasses. He will have you barefoot at the kitchen sink at the first opportunity.

He is not perfect. He isn't even an appropriate partner for you right now.

I agree with PPs that his behavior is a very strong red flag. He doesn’t like you to have a child with another man, believe me in no time he will turn his negative feelings towards your child. Your daughter won’t be happy in this set up. Little simple things like both of her parents going to see her at dance or at school will become a huge problem, it won’t be good.

By the way your partner is very cleverly controlling, he prefers to spend time with you instead of his friends - his next step will be expecting you not to spend with yours.
I wonder how well in general do you know him as you are not together for long: what his wider family like, why his previous relationship broke up, has he the same background as you culturally? His views are so strangely extreme.

This is not the right man for you and your child, I'm afraid. Better is out there for your both.

It's a nightmare waiting to happen if you have a baby with this man.

He's controlling.

You need to tread carefully while you end it. This is the sort of man who will make your life hell when you split up.

Indeed, I think he could actually be dangerous.

He sounds immature and controlling.

The fact that he thinks you going to parents evening with your ex is somehow giving come-on signals to him is just batshit.
You and your ex are mature enough to have split up and co-parent amicably which is the best you can do for your daughter. Don’t let this man spoil it.

A real man’s man that looks after me and puts me 1st above everything and he does. He literally lives to make sure me and my daughter are happy and often turns down things with his friends etc just so he can spend time with us as a family

Reading this literally made my skin crawl. I urge you to heed the advice PPs have given you. Leave now, before you and your child's lives become enmeshed with him.

He is grooming you to submit to his control and coercive behaviour. You need to nip this in the bud. Ideally leave him, but realistically you probably won't as you cannot truly see all the red flags just yet.

You'll be back here asking for advice in a year or too when everything will have got much worse. In the meantime, pIease do not have a child with this man. Do not get caught up in some "we are a family" nonsense.

If you can open your eyes and summon the strength, leave him now.

he sat me down last night and basically said, he has thought about his future and what he wants from life and whilst he is happy to accept the fact I have an ex in my life, there are certain conditions he won’t budge on. One being the parents evening, he would like me to go to separate meetings or me and him go, and my ex and his new partner go on there own.

He has said he won’t budge and neither should you. So bye bye boyfriend.

Your post is a classic example of love bombing, manipulative and controlling behaviour.

It will get worse.

He is trying to drive a wedge between you and your ex. He wants him out of your life.

You have a child with this man, you coparent well with this man. Your child with another man will always exist. If you stay in this relationship it will not end well for you or your child.

End it, block him and move on.

Get rid. Now.

An advanced search of your previous posts @Emily920 would suggest that you have more than just the issue of your new partner. Your daughter is clearly not happy with the separation from her father, which has been thrown into relief by your new relationship - even if she does like your new partner.

And it sounds like you've replaced one controlling person - your ex-MIL - with another - your new partner.

To be brutally honest, having read your other threads, it sounds to me like neither of you is ready for a new relationship - even if it were the most perfect in the world (which this one clearly isn't).

You need to work on being able to stand (emotionally) on your own two feet before you move (along with your daughter) into a new relationship.

The thing that stands out to me is that you've been seeing this guy for less than a year and you've allowed him to become fully enmeshed and involved in your dd's life and your parenting decisions. What the actual fuck?? I've been with my partner for 8 years and he has never had anything to do with my parenting decisions and I'd tell him to sod off if he tried to muscle in.

Apart from that, you do realise that he's going to turn into a controlling toxic arsehole to you and your dd as soon as your pregnant?

And you handle the situation by telling him to keep his beak out of how you co-parent with your ex. I think he's really done a number on you tbh, your poor dd.

OP you are not naive or stupid, or were you referring to your partner in the title?

I feel really bad for you OP reading the negative responses here but i'm afraid I have to agree 100% with them. Reading your post the first thing that sprung to mind is the controlling jealous type, the 'are you looking at him?' type insecurities. How is he about your work colleagues, male friends or Dads from your daughters school? Although you have chosen him he is obsessing over a past relationship, this is incredibly odd. Can you imagine if you had a child then broke up with him, what do you think his behaviour would be like? He is telling you how to parent a child that isn't his, he does not get to dictate this. What did he expect when he knew you were a single mother?

It cannot work unless you can occasionally all be in the same room together, it doesn't mean you need to be friends. If you have another child with him you will have family occasions where everyone needs to be there for the sake of the child. Say your DDs birthday party or whatever, you would be forced to exclude DDs father, or your partner, therefore affecting the younger child too.

Whilst I appreciate all of your comments I can’t help but feel like you don’t know the full story.

My partner is what every women dreams of. He adores me and he adores my daughter. I Don’t think he is controlling at all, he is a man that wants his women to be his women and no one else’s and in most relationships that’s pretty standard but when a child is involved and an ex, I can understand why he might feel threatened.

he chose to be with me knowing I had a
child but I don’t think he thought ahead as much as he probably needed to and now that he is fully devoted to me, he is trying to set boundaries so that he can have his desired future with me and be happy. I appreciate the fact that he has accepted my daughter and wants to be a part of her life but I don’t think he fully understands the meaning of coparenting and thinks that we raise her in our house and my ex raises her in his and that’s about as simple as it gets for him whereas I see things differently, I think it’s important to always be on the same page and not make things awkward between me and her dad so that I can protect her childhood at all costs. When I say this to him, he replies with “don’t you think I want the same, anything I ask of you will never hurt DD , it will only ever be better for our dynamic moving forward” which I agree to some extent because I don’t think him asking me to go to separate parents evenings will actually have an impact on my daughter but I do believe that the more of a wedge put me and her dad will inevitably end up meaning my daughter will feel like she has to choose and I don’t want that for her.

the weird thing is, I hardly speak to her dad and it works. We communicate if we have to regarding picks up and drop offs or events that he needs to know about and that’s literally it. He is not a part of our lives at all.

It’s hard because like I said, if we take my ex out the situation, everything else is literally perfect. He really is my best friend and i can go to him about anything and he will support me whole heartedly and just be there.

i almost feel like he thinks I belong somewhere else because I have a child and he doesn’t or can’t believe that I love him and don’t love or have feelings for my ex.

Don't have a baby with him, for goodness sake. He cannot accept that your ex must be in your life for the sake of your little girl. He will also resent your daughter and would treat her very differently if he had a child of his own. Let him go.

Kindly, you're fucking deluded.

He's needs to grow up, he's not as great as you think.

Dump him and for gods sake don't have a baby with him.

You co parent well with your DDs dad that is more important than this jealous man child.

Ahhh OP. I think what you are seeing:hearing is just the tip of the iceberg.

His projecting his jealousy issues onto DD will get worse as her dad will always be a presence in your lives.

I can see years down the line if you do have a child together there could be issues of "fair treatment ".

If he doesn't accept DD and the joint parenting that brings 100% you need to urgently re-examine this relationship.

He also needs to grow the fuck up

Actually, yes. Almost like surveillance

Any man that is threatened by your child is not a man at all.

Some of the ways you describe him remind me of a book called The Gift of Fear. It's worth a read

So sorry but you’ve really drunk the Koolaid. Nothing you say about this creature makes him sound like someone I’d want anywhere near my life.

You are not “his” women.

You are free human beings.

often turns down things with his friends etc just so he can spend time with us as a family

I think he turns down things with his friends so he can keep an eye on you. If he's out with them he won't know what you are up to. Very controlling behaviour OP. I think you need to get rid of the lovebombing, future faking control freak.

You say he’s the man every woman dreams of. Not me. He’s possessive and my idea of a nightmare.

Yikes, I'd be running fast from this one. His woman? Can you not see what's wrong with this, you're not a possession FFS

Not one single person here thinks he is being romantic. He is controlling and jealous. It will only get worse.

You say he wants 'his woman' to be only his woman.

He's got that.

He does not get to set out the boundaries for your parenting. Or destabilise your daughter's upbringing by wrecking the relationship between her parents.

He isn't the guy, OP. Sorry but he isn't. A good man wouldn't ask this of you.