Naive or stupid

[Emily920]

Hi All,

I am a parent to a 5 year old daughter. I separated from her dad about 2 1/2 years ago and I have a new partner who I have been with for almost a year. Things are great with us until the ex situation comes about.

my partner doesn’t have children and wants one, I can also see myself having another which I never thought I would.

he is a great man, the kind of man I’ve always wanted. A real man’s man that looks after me and puts me 1st above everything and he does. He literally lives to make sure me and my daughter are happy and often turns down things with his friends etc just so he can spend time with us as a family which I adore as her dad was the complete opposite and didn’t care at all.

however, he hates the fact I have a child with someone else, he puts up with it and is great with my daughter but the thought of me having to go parents evening with my ex literally makes him feel physically sick or for example, he asked me the other day if I was going to buy my ex a present for Christmas and I said yes but from my daughter. He then over thought that and assumed I was going to go and spend lots of money on him and buy him things I know “He likes” when in reality I’m giving my daughter £10 to go in b&m and buy whatever she wants for him.

he sat me down last night and basically said, he has thought about his future and what he wants from life and whilst he is happy to accept the fact I have an ex in my life, there are certain conditions he won’t budge on. One being the parents evening, he would like me to go to separate meetings or me and him go, and my ex and his new partner go on there own.

whilst part of me thinks that he’s not asking for a lot, I also don’t understand why? He knows full well there is nothing between me and my ex but he just hates the thought of it. He also mentioned about if we finally have a baby then he wouldn’t want me going to my daughter’s school pregnant with my ex and everyone thinking I’m pregnant with his baby which I do understand but at the same time, I think there needs to be some compromise or am I just being totally unreasonable? When I put myself in his shoes, I completely get it. It’s not nice but then when I put myself in my daughter’s shoes, I also feel an extreme amount of guilt.

me and her dad co parent quite nicely, we share 50/50 custody and hardly have to see each other due to school picks ups etc. we only speak if we have to and we are both polite and respectful in front of our daughter. My ex hasn’t caused any problems for us and keeps himself to himself, he even asked me the other day was aftershave my partner likes because he wants to get him a Christmas present to say thank you for sticking around and being a part of our daughters life.

but my partner, is just not playing ball at all. He says he understands that there are going to be times that we are all going to be in the same room and he doesn’t expect me to snub him or be disrespectful but he sees it as me putting my ex first if I choose to go parents evening together because he says it will only effect my exs feelings if I don’t go with him and he wants to know that I don’t care about upsetting me ex if needed. almost like a validation thing to prove to him that I care more about him than I do my ex.

The thing is, me and my ex broke up on good terms. We never really have any trouble and i don’t want to cause unnecessary drama but then my partner sees that as me not putting his feelings first when it’s all i ever do.

how do i handle this situation? I love my partner so much and i am the happiest i have ever been when I'm with him. The thought of losing him literally hurts because he’s perfect in every way but can I live my life on egg shells? Where’s the balance? What can I do to balance it out?

ok so you think no one understands how much you adore each other & how wonderful he is.

I've been there, done that. As I'd hazard many of the other posters have

it feels amazing to be so adored/looked after/prioritised & special. However you want to word it.

im not sure any of us are going to be able to be break through your bubble.

but I'll join the gang trying to.

You have a good co parenting relationship with her Dad. For her sake and yours you'd be mad to fuck that up.

You're not even pregnant yet (thankfully) & he's dictating where you can't go with DD.

As an adult some things are hard but you have to pull up your Big Boy Underpants & deal with it.

of all the things he could be upset about he's chosen 'Parents Evenings'. FFS

BUT I'm telling you now, this is just the start.

you (sensibly) don't agree with a few things.

YOU are her parent, not him.

take your loved up blinkers off & see him for what he is, massively insecure & yes, controlling. You need to decide whether you, & your ex's co parenting is the priority or Mr Wonderfuls ego??

Nothing about him gives me red flags at all and I don’t get why you have all just jumped on that

Well , you crack on then .

All this 'man's man' wanting 'his woman to be his woman' makes me worry that your view of romance is culled from pre 1980's Mills and Boon books. That is honestly not how modern relationships go. The phrase 'man's man' just makes me think of steroid-enhanced gym bunnies who want appearance over substance every time, and would ideally like an enhanced, spray-tanned girlie on his arm to show off to his friends.

I hope he's not like this, but I have to admit that nothing you've said has made him sound like good relationship material for a previously married mother of one.

My children have half siblings. When they were kids I couldn’t care less that their dad was going to parent evenings and concerts and rugby matches with his ex for their kids. That is the normal response.

Ok, good luck with it all 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mn is full of step parents, and people who either chose not to date people with children, or to end relationships involving the other person children, because they knew it wasn’t something they wanted/ it wasn’t working for them.

Everyone is telling you the same thing.

Think about that.

Anyone old enough to remember Captain Caveman?

And to answer your question about has anyone else been in this situation, yes I have , he 'adored ' me but same as your partner, he was jealous and tried to tell me what I could and couldn't do.
Shame I didn't keep the photos of my black eyes.

HIS feelings are all to the detriment of your daughter (and of you though you don’t agree).

Should they be weighed in the balance? Or have you ended up in a situation which you will later realise made your daughter’s life worse? If he can’t prioritise your daughter, he doesn’t care about her as much as you think he does (or you, though you don’t agree).

OP, like you say, having an ex in the picture can often cause upset, I've been there. What your partner is asking for though is unreasonable. If he wants to be more involved could you all go to the parents' evening together?

ok so you think no one understands how much you adore each other & how wonderful he is.

It's like an Ernie Wise play. 'No-one has ever had a love like what we have got.'

That he has these feelings he likely can’t help.

How he chooses to handle those feelings is his choice.

He can:
not date a woman with a child from a previous relationship
or
acknowledge his feelings are irrational and HIS problem to fix, seek counselling for retroactive jealousy etc.

As for whose feelings to prioritise… it’s your daughter’s. Every time. What’s best for her. The end.

Wow this is a huge red flag!

He sounds controlling and this will not get any better.

Most partners would be over the moon if their partners had a good co-parenting relationship.

This is really concerning OP.
I would not want this man to have any involvement with my child.

If you genuinely like this man you need to put your foot down and tell him you will not compromise on this.
If he doesn’t like it then he can leave.

Unfortunately, I can see you having a child with this man and starting a thread about how controlling he is and how you wished you’d listened.

I've just seen a post on Reddit about a couple where she had children, he didn't, everything was great and they had a child together and now he's being awful to her children, prioritising their child in a nasty way and trying to destroy the relationship between the mother and her children and this isn't a one off. I see posts like that time and time again. Posters here can see it because they've either experienced it as the mother or one of the 'original' children or within their social circle or they've read about it all over social media. You think people are being harsh to him but they're just trying to get through to you what you are sentencing your daughter to and what you will be doing to your relationship with her by staying with this man and having a child. But if you don't believe any of us and you're determined to have a baby with him then I really hope that in 5 years time you're in a position to be able to come back here and tell us we were all wrong. For your daughter's sake.

I am a step parent and I have been for 15 years. I also have children with my DH. I am also a step child myself. So I know about blended families.

This isn't going to end well and your daughter could pay the price.

Remember OP, this is a man who has no connection to your daughter and who has only been in her life 5 minutes trying to sabotage the relationship between father and daughter by upsetting the balance between her parents. Are you really going to let that happen?

He has no parenting experience, he has no understanding of the situation. All he is thinking about is how it is impacting him.

Having a baby with him is to hand over control to him. You do realise that don't you? Once you're pregnant and tied to him he will call the shots.

The 'man's man' comment makes me think you need to do the Freedom programme to recognise toxic behaviours. This isn't the sign of a man's man, its the beginning of a controlling relationship and its important you recognise that.

I initially felt for you until i read your responses! Yes you're being stupid. He is blatantly controlling and i guarantee as soon as you have a baby with him he will treat your daughter as disposable! You are completely fooling yourself!

He’s an Idiot.
Surely what’s best for your child comes before his ego?

Hahahha just read your updates. Is your partner in the room with us?! 😂

How do you see it working out when he has a problem with you parenting your child with her father?

Not really putting you first is he? He needs to grow up and realise it is not all about him. 🙄

He's " a real man's man" is he? (In your OP). Nope. He's a cock and now he's sitting over your shoulder telling you what to write.

I never really understand why people post about something, then defend the thing they are asking about, when posters agree that is an issue. So yes op, you are being both n naive and stupid.

What does a Man's man mean?

A controlling cunt.

A good man would be happy you have an answer going relationship with your ex, that your d d will have strength from two loving men in her life, that in you he's found someone mature enough to navigate constructively the difficulties of 21st century family life. A good man would not seek to control l and dominate proceedings like this.

You're going to end up hurt OP.