Naive or stupid

[Emily920]

Hi All,

I am a parent to a 5 year old daughter. I separated from her dad about 2 1/2 years ago and I have a new partner who I have been with for almost a year. Things are great with us until the ex situation comes about.

my partner doesn’t have children and wants one, I can also see myself having another which I never thought I would.

he is a great man, the kind of man I’ve always wanted. A real man’s man that looks after me and puts me 1st above everything and he does. He literally lives to make sure me and my daughter are happy and often turns down things with his friends etc just so he can spend time with us as a family which I adore as her dad was the complete opposite and didn’t care at all.

however, he hates the fact I have a child with someone else, he puts up with it and is great with my daughter but the thought of me having to go parents evening with my ex literally makes him feel physically sick or for example, he asked me the other day if I was going to buy my ex a present for Christmas and I said yes but from my daughter. He then over thought that and assumed I was going to go and spend lots of money on him and buy him things I know “He likes” when in reality I’m giving my daughter £10 to go in b&m and buy whatever she wants for him.

he sat me down last night and basically said, he has thought about his future and what he wants from life and whilst he is happy to accept the fact I have an ex in my life, there are certain conditions he won’t budge on. One being the parents evening, he would like me to go to separate meetings or me and him go, and my ex and his new partner go on there own.

whilst part of me thinks that he’s not asking for a lot, I also don’t understand why? He knows full well there is nothing between me and my ex but he just hates the thought of it. He also mentioned about if we finally have a baby then he wouldn’t want me going to my daughter’s school pregnant with my ex and everyone thinking I’m pregnant with his baby which I do understand but at the same time, I think there needs to be some compromise or am I just being totally unreasonable? When I put myself in his shoes, I completely get it. It’s not nice but then when I put myself in my daughter’s shoes, I also feel an extreme amount of guilt.

me and her dad co parent quite nicely, we share 50/50 custody and hardly have to see each other due to school picks ups etc. we only speak if we have to and we are both polite and respectful in front of our daughter. My ex hasn’t caused any problems for us and keeps himself to himself, he even asked me the other day was aftershave my partner likes because he wants to get him a Christmas present to say thank you for sticking around and being a part of our daughters life.

but my partner, is just not playing ball at all. He says he understands that there are going to be times that we are all going to be in the same room and he doesn’t expect me to snub him or be disrespectful but he sees it as me putting my ex first if I choose to go parents evening together because he says it will only effect my exs feelings if I don’t go with him and he wants to know that I don’t care about upsetting me ex if needed. almost like a validation thing to prove to him that I care more about him than I do my ex.

The thing is, me and my ex broke up on good terms. We never really have any trouble and i don’t want to cause unnecessary drama but then my partner sees that as me not putting his feelings first when it’s all i ever do.

how do i handle this situation? I love my partner so much and i am the happiest i have ever been when I'm with him. The thought of losing him literally hurts because he’s perfect in every way but can I live my life on egg shells? Where’s the balance? What can I do to balance it out?

I’m a teacher, we see so many situations like this, it’s so sad for the child.

He's not the kind of man I dream of. He's an overbearing wanker. I would never be 'his' woman. I don't need to be taken care of, I'm not a dependent.

A saying (from where I don't know)...

"Love is not looking inwards at one another but outwards together in the same direction."

If this dick would make a serious attempt to call the shots on MY daughter's parents evening and whether or not her FATHER should attend, he'd be looking outwards alone on the other side of my front door.

But you moon over him. It's your life.

Every single poster has told you the same thing. Every single one. That rarely happens on Mumsnet. Many are advising you from experience. His mask has slipped and he's given you a glimpse of the nightmare ahead. Good luck if you choose to bury your head in the sand, because you're going to need it.

So the teachers have to do 2 meetings? Why should they?

Dd parents evening is none of his business.

He is your bf not her step father.

If dd had no father or an unwilling one, fine…..but her father is interested in going to parents evening so why should you go separately?

A real man’s man

🚩

“My partner is what every women dreams of”

WOW you have got to be joking! You are seriously deluded. He sounds awful.

Why are you ignoring what everyone is saying. This man is controlling and jealous. You would be making a huge mistake to stay in this relationship.

Prioritise your own child not him!!

Exactly, what does that even mean

Why did you even post this if you are just going to ignore and argue with EVERY SINGLE COMMENT that is telling you that this man is bad news and things will only get worse. Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not have a baby with this man.

Not one person who has replied has said that anything about his behaviour is okay. Does that not tell you anything? 🤦🏻‍♀️

As your daughter grows she will need you both to be at parents evening amongst other things - it is about her & if your partner cannot accept that then you need to put her first.
Your partner is jealous & definitely trying to control you & the comments about possibly being pregnant in the playground are utterly ridiculous.
People are telling you that this is not okay behaviour & even though you have asked you don't seem to be prepared to listen

Doing the best by your child means effectively coparenting with her father who has every right to attend events for his child.

If that means you're not "his woman" that is the price you pay for being your own woman as you should be.

I think some people regard stifling, irrational jealousy as a turn on. Good luck with that trait long term OP.

My partner is what every women dreams of

He sounds like a nightmare to me.

its not his call.

My partner is what every women dreams of. He adores me and he adores my daughter. I Don’t think he is controlling at all, he is a man that wants his women to be his women

Yeah, I can practically hear him grunting it. You can safely exclude this woman from that 🙄This sounds like the start of a Take a Break story. A really bad one, and not just the writing style.

He sounds incredibly insecure and as a result he's controlling. What he's asking isn't a big thing, but he's presented this as a done deal. No compromise. Which would make me think that you've only seen this side of him, because you've never had a situation that you have differing opinions on.

My concern would be, what he'd be like if you had different parenting styles with a shared dc. Would it be his way, or the high way.

I'd also be concerned he'd start to resent your dd who isn't his.

There are too many red flags just peaking out, I think once he's got you married with a child his insecurities and controlling behaviour would become more apparent

There's a whole heap of red flags here. I'd dump him and work on your own self esteem because you should be able to see this situation is less than ideal. If you go on to have a child with him his behaviour will likely deteriorate towards your dd. Can you really be so desperate to be loved that you would allow your dd's life and interactions with her own dad be controlled? For her sake you need to be able to communicate effectively with her dad whether it is by text or email rather than over the phone.

You are likely going to do what you want and ignore any sound advice because you are blinkered. It's a shame because it is your dd that will suffer long term.

he is a great man, the kind of man I’ve always wanted. A real man’s man that looks after me and puts me 1st above everything and he does.

When I read those words I was waiting for the “but.”

Cynical old gimmer me was waiting for 'treats me like a princess.'

He's jealous and controlling -- your daughter will benefit massively from your positive co-parenting relationship and he's trying to fuck that up for the sake of his own ego.

Ugh yuck. He is controlling and doesn’t trust you. He’s jeopardising your successful coparenting arrangement. School will not want to have separate meetings with you - how ridiculous to expect a teacher to do this when there’s no dv just a twat of a new partner. Set your boundaries and stop accepting this and thinking it’s normal because he’d love bombing you. Put dd first.

This.
Raise your bloody standards.

I personally think you’re all being quite harsh on him. Surely no one actually likes the idea of an ex being involved? No one goes into a relationship with someone that has a child and is over the moon about the ex being involved so the fact that you are all jumping at the “controlling” comment is disturbing.

are there any step parents in this thread that is speaking from experience or are you all just assuming you know what you would do in this situation because believe me, you wouldn’t.

there isn't a single step parent that I know that hasn’t had issues navigating through the function of a “blended” family and that’s simply all this is. We are trying to work out the best way to ensure my DD has the best of both worlds and my partner is also happy but you’ve all gone mad about him being controlling and abusive because he has asked for me to go to separate parents evenings.

yes I don’t like the fact that he has asked but not for one second have I thought it’s controlling, I just think he is trying to be open about what will make him feel comfortable moving forward. I’m simply asking for advice on how to make sure that i prioritise both my daughter and his feelings as that’s what you do when you’re in a loving relationship. Balance both and consider everyone’s feelings.

whereas you are all telling me to not consider his feelings at all and to get rid. Would you be like that with your partner? Or would you try and understand and compromise so that you can have a healthy future together? Giving up at the 1st sign of a problem is not the answer, certainly not in this situation because as I have said a million times, beyond the ex situation he is not controlling, possessive or any of the above, we have a lot of fun together and he’s a supportive partner. Nothing about him gives me red flags at all and I don’t get why you have all just jumped on that?

Oh dear. He is horribly insecure, what a turn off. He sounds too immature to have a family. This attitude would put me right off and to be honest I’d scrap this relationship. It’s still early days, you haven’t invested enough time in this to want to fight to continue with someone who has these issues.

I’m simply asking for advice on how to make sure that i prioritise both my daughter and his feelings

Okay.

Your job is only to prioritise your daughter's feelings. Just that.

The end.