Naive or stupid

[Emily920]

Hi All,

I am a parent to a 5 year old daughter. I separated from her dad about 2 1/2 years ago and I have a new partner who I have been with for almost a year. Things are great with us until the ex situation comes about.

my partner doesn’t have children and wants one, I can also see myself having another which I never thought I would.

he is a great man, the kind of man I’ve always wanted. A real man’s man that looks after me and puts me 1st above everything and he does. He literally lives to make sure me and my daughter are happy and often turns down things with his friends etc just so he can spend time with us as a family which I adore as her dad was the complete opposite and didn’t care at all.

however, he hates the fact I have a child with someone else, he puts up with it and is great with my daughter but the thought of me having to go parents evening with my ex literally makes him feel physically sick or for example, he asked me the other day if I was going to buy my ex a present for Christmas and I said yes but from my daughter. He then over thought that and assumed I was going to go and spend lots of money on him and buy him things I know “He likes” when in reality I’m giving my daughter £10 to go in b&m and buy whatever she wants for him.

he sat me down last night and basically said, he has thought about his future and what he wants from life and whilst he is happy to accept the fact I have an ex in my life, there are certain conditions he won’t budge on. One being the parents evening, he would like me to go to separate meetings or me and him go, and my ex and his new partner go on there own.

whilst part of me thinks that he’s not asking for a lot, I also don’t understand why? He knows full well there is nothing between me and my ex but he just hates the thought of it. He also mentioned about if we finally have a baby then he wouldn’t want me going to my daughter’s school pregnant with my ex and everyone thinking I’m pregnant with his baby which I do understand but at the same time, I think there needs to be some compromise or am I just being totally unreasonable? When I put myself in his shoes, I completely get it. It’s not nice but then when I put myself in my daughter’s shoes, I also feel an extreme amount of guilt.

me and her dad co parent quite nicely, we share 50/50 custody and hardly have to see each other due to school picks ups etc. we only speak if we have to and we are both polite and respectful in front of our daughter. My ex hasn’t caused any problems for us and keeps himself to himself, he even asked me the other day was aftershave my partner likes because he wants to get him a Christmas present to say thank you for sticking around and being a part of our daughters life.

but my partner, is just not playing ball at all. He says he understands that there are going to be times that we are all going to be in the same room and he doesn’t expect me to snub him or be disrespectful but he sees it as me putting my ex first if I choose to go parents evening together because he says it will only effect my exs feelings if I don’t go with him and he wants to know that I don’t care about upsetting me ex if needed. almost like a validation thing to prove to him that I care more about him than I do my ex.

The thing is, me and my ex broke up on good terms. We never really have any trouble and i don’t want to cause unnecessary drama but then my partner sees that as me not putting his feelings first when it’s all i ever do.

how do i handle this situation? I love my partner so much and i am the happiest i have ever been when I'm with him. The thought of losing him literally hurts because he’s perfect in every way but can I live my life on egg shells? Where’s the balance? What can I do to balance it out?

He's agreed to compromise has he?
That's fucking big of him!
I despair.

Blended family's are hard, that's true. But surely it's for the parents to set the rules and the new "step parent" to agree to them or leave!

OP it won't be just parent's evening though. There will be lots of times when you need to parent with your daughter's father. In 18 years of being a stepmum we have had bereavement, job loss, failed exams, mental health issues, school bullies, work problems, difficulty adjusting to university, graduation, personal achievements.

All of which meant my partner worked with and disussed things with his son's mother. Sometimes really hard, emotional things that I could not be as involved in. Parents evening is just the nursery slopes.

Try and care a bit more for your daughter eh? She should be more important than some man.

however, he hates the fact I have a child with someone else, he puts up with it and is great with my daughter

He puts up with it?

Listen to yourself. You've been lovebombed, as everyone has pointed out, but you're not listening.

When he's got you where he wants you, this "perfect man" pretence (which he's not even doing well) will drop like the mask it is. How long before he's calling you a whore for having ever been with another man? How long - especially if you have a child with him - before he's physically abusing your daughter under the claim of her needing discipline?

BTW what on earth do you mean by "a real man's man"? That term always suggests a man who doesn't like women and sees us as property. It certainly fits how you've described him.

Hating the fact that you have had a child with someone else, regardless of the fact that he is great with her, is a red flat in itself. It is so childish to be jealous of the past and unfair to you and your daughter.

Please get rid. You can do far better.

I agree you were love bombed. I think also he doesn't really care about the ex, he just latched on to a "flaw" you have to be be able to lord it over you and control you.

Run for the fucking hills!!!

thanks for your advice, not that I have taken any notice of it because it’s absolutely crazy

No, it's not, @Emily920, and I'm sorry to say you are deluded if you think that. What you have written has triggered warning bells and red flags galore to those of us who have been in similar situations but you will ignore it.

Many years ago, nearly a decade ago, when I was pregnant with my first DC I posted about their dad (under a different username) - I didn't think what I'd posted was "bad". I wasn't expecting so many responses telling me how awful he was, that he wouldn't get better, that he was controlling. One wisely told me not to put him on DC birth certificate. I was quite shocked because I knew all this already, deep down, but didn't want to admit it or deal with it - or be a single mum.

I ignored it at the time.

Turns out they were all right.

He was awful. He did get worse after the baby was born and what followed was 3 years of unhappiness where he almost destroyed me, I found the courage to leave and he almost destroyed me again in the year following the split: harrassment, malicious reports to SS, Court papers served for custody of children, refusing to sell the jointly owned house: you name it, he did it.

I'm not bitter. It made me stronger and I'm now happily married but I, like many posters, am trying to help you not make a huge mistake. Really, many of us have been where you are.

Just to add, my ex was not a "man's man" or outwardly "jealous" as you describe, but he did set out conditions. 🔔 🔔 I didn't have DC when we met so the conditions were about my family.

So your man sounds chillingly worse than my ex and I suffered so much (not much physical abuse but what I later learnt from professionals was "severe emotional and financial abuse").

FWIW, he is now married to someone else and from what my DC tell me when they get back from his, he is succeeding in driving a wedge between his older stepchildren and their mum. And... the cycle repeats itself... these men don't change.

As soon as you get pregnant with this man his 'boundaries' will become stifling and your dd is going to suffer.

At least read up on emotional abuse. Read about Womans aid the dominator. They wait till they have got you pregnant and stuck before they change very often. Just in case you are wrong and all these women on the internet are right. If you won't even do that just to reconfirm to yourself your partner is nothing like this then you shouldn't be a mother to be blunt.

thanks for your advice, not that I have taken any notice of it because it’s absolutely crazy

It's not crazy if everyone is telling you the same thing. None of us know you so have no axe to grind.

thanks for your advice, not that I have taken any notice of it because it’s absolutely crazyIt's not crazy if everyone is telling you the same thing. None of us know you so have no axe to grind.

He is being incredibly manipulative by demanding a ridiculous request and now he has backed down and "compromised" he is getting brownie points

You should never compromise for your children.

He entered into a relationship with a woman with a child, yet puts up with the fact that you have a child with another man. There is a special place in hell reserved for men who do this.

He puts up with it for now, until you're in a position of vulnerabiity, ie pregnant with his child and that's when the gloves will come off. Then, you will realise that the uneasy feeling you have now, was there for a reason. Get ready for things to slide quickly.

You asked if you were naive or stupid, and then pronounced ten pages of replies as crazy nonsense, so I'd say you're both. I wish you luck and I hope with kindness that you open the kitchen cupboard tonight and a Christmas pudding falls off the top shelf and knocks some sense into you (leaving no damage but a new perspective.)

The answer to your question is “both”. 🚩 🚩 🚩