Awake stewing at 3am due to disgraceful party etiquette

[Anonymouse2019]

It was recently my daughter's 4th birthday party. She attends a nursery preschool and she is one of the eldest so most of the other children are still 3 years old.

We didn't know who her closest friends were when writing invitations about 6 weeks ago so decided to invite the whole class of 18 kids. 13 RSVP'd, 10 of those could come.

With the invitations addressed to the children, we included a little note for parents/guardians with a bit more info about the venue and a little bit about our child which was relevant to the party. We also stated that a gift for our child wasn't necessary and that their child's company would be the best gift for our little girl (mainly that was us being diplomatic in a COL crisis) BUT we said if their child wanted to give or make a card for our daughter, that would be lovely and that we would keep them in her memory box for when she was a bit older (after she'd opened them, obviously).

Also in this note we said that the entrance fee and lunch for their child was covered but if the invited child wished to bring siblings, the parent/guardian would need to purchase food at the venue for that/those siblings.

I'll get to the point now.

One mum of a boy, F, replied saying he could attend. She did bring her child to the party and she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...). Cousin was 8 years old.

F's older cousin sat down with the invited younger children and was helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents. The adult with them stood there and did nothing but I didn't realise until the meal was nearly over because there was so much going on in the room. Several other kids brought siblings and ALL their parents paid for those siblings' meals except for F's mother.

F was a pushy, grabby bully. He was pushing the other invited children about with no interference from his mum. I was wrapping cupcakes in clean napkins to add to the children's party bags (after they'd already had some birthday cake) and F came over and started grabbing at the cupcakes, running the icing and details on 4 or 5 of them. I very gently said these were to take home, they were not for now but he could have some more birthday cake instead. He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it. No other children did this.

At the end of the day, they were the only guests not to say goodbye, or thank you for inviting them. More importantly they didn't wish my daughter a happy birthday or acknowledge her at all.

We came away with a small stack of cards and a couple of presents which was lovely. My child opened them later at home. None of them were from F.

F had taken home, as had all the other invited guests, a party bag put together by me, which contained some children's colouring stuff, a pot of bubbles, sweets, mini packet of biscuits and a little rubber stamp, plus the cupcake. Of course it was our choice to provide these and we were happy to.

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!), he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away, they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card. They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end. F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.

I woke at 3am thinking about the injustice of this and have been wondering if I should hand his mum a note on the school run, or even invoice her for the cousin's meal and the ruined cupcakes, but for the sake of about £10 it doesn't seem worth the bad feeling and aggro for every school run hereon in, however letting the mother get away with all this scot-free to me is not okay either.

Obviously we know not to invite F to anything again, but should I say something in private away from kids and other parents to his mum or is that a step too far?

Just don't invite them again!! She's absolutely rude af! If you say anything it could cause an issue further down the line.

If the responsible adult didn't step in at the time this was happening, I'm not sure how receptive she would be in receiving that feedback. If me, I'd chalk it up to one of those things but never invite that family again.

I hope your DD didn't notice and had a fab party 🎉

I’d be fuming too, but I think you have to chalk it up to experience. It sounds like you were exceedingly generous and even without the bad behaviour, they took advantage. Don’t ever invite f again, but also don’t go round badmouthing them. It won’t look good. Once you know the other parents better, and in the right conversational setting, it isn’t a story I would avoid telling, but a spontaneous outburst is a bit weird.

If you have a whole class party and say that siblings are invited then you basically open yourself up to this sort of thing. Unless you’re willing to be laid back about behaviour (including from parents) and cater to all and sundry without any thanks then don’t bother with inviting the whole class in the future. Remember parties are for your child. We quickly realised for ours this meant inviting only 3-4 friends, even for a soft play. Nursery should be able to tell you who their friends are.

It wasn't great behaviour from F or their parent but it's over now so I would let it go. Don't invite them again. It's not worth stewing over and you'd be the talk of the playground if you invoiced her for food. F is 3, sometimes 3 year olds get over excited ay parties it he could well be 'naughty' but they are still learning impulse control at that age.

Do a hard swallow and move on. To send the cousin an invoice for the food or to discuss F with other parents is unnecessary.

OMG no don't do or say anything just don't invite him again.

There are some horrible rough-arsed families about. That's it really. Some people just take, be grateful you're not like that.

So one child out of the many was a little unpleasant. It's not something to ruminate over. Certainly not something to speak out on. It really doesn't sound that bad, but you seem really uptight. Just don't invite them again. Or just relax! Nobody got hurt. You're obviously very privileged so try to enjoy that instead of staying up all night being miserable over a child that ate food and smeared a cupcake.

Gosh stewing at 3am about a 3 year old's behaviour is a very strong reaction. I think raising this with mum or sending a note would be very over the top and open a can of worms. She's a bit of a CF like lots of people (unfortunately). Just don't invite them again!

Thanks everyone. I won't do/say anything but I am still livid. The thought of invoicing wasn't due to F's lack of impulse control but more her LACK of control over her child and the blatant freeloading that was going on (like his cousin helping himself to food paid for by us but provided by the venue for the invited children only). This was made perfectly clear when the invitations were given out.

School did provide us with a class list of the children's first names and put a star next to the names of children our daughter seemed to get on best with. The kids are only 3 or 4 and I didn't want any of the nursery class to feel left out but I thought by inviting everyone, it could help the children form more of a bond with our daughter and vice versa and encourage friendships etc.

I've never done this whole school party thing before so went into it a bit blind. I was, however, prepared to pay for all 18 kids in the (unlikely) event they were all able to come and actually did turn up!

Doesn't stop me being angry at disgusting behaviour though and I don't like the idea of F's mum literally getting away with it all. That said, I will NOT badmouth her to any of the other parents either.

CF! I'm not "very privileged" or "uptight" at all! I've worked hard and saved for this party for months, plus all the planning and extra little details done with care but of my own choosing. This kid wasn't "a little unpleasant", he was a total brat and a bully and ruined my daughter's birthday party, they didn't acknowledge my daughter or the fact that it was her birthday and just trashed stuff whilst take, take, taking. You are clearly like F's mum in thinking this is any way acceptable! And it's not about "smearing a cupcake" which is not what I actually said.

Just don't invite them again. F is a bully and is not a friend anyway, I shouldn't think.

I'm afraid I would also have taken the cheeky fucker sibling who was not entitled to the party food straight back to their parents and reiterated to them that they had to pay separately for this child because they were not included in the party.

As I said, he wasn't a sibling but a cousin, and I didn't notice him eating the younger, invited children's meal until they'd nearly finished because my attention was rightfully on my daughter as well as everything else going on in the room (other kids, parents and venue staff coming in and out to ask me questions like when I wanted them to bring out the cake and which music I'd like to be played etc).

Some people are just horribly grabby and have grabby children and grabby cousins...AVOID, and never invite them again.

Let it go. It’s rude behaviour but you never know what is going on behind the scenes. It doesn’t sound like your daughter was very negatively affected by the cupcakes being smeared or the lack of card/goodbye — and her enjoyment is what matters most.

I did a joint whole class party once where several siblings came along without asking me or the other mum if it was ok.

But the worst thing was we had to stop adults (some seemed to bring the entire family, not just older siblings) who stayed from ploughing into the food that was being put on the long table the kids were eating at.

While I'd always overcater and there would definitely be plenty after the kids had eaten, and it's fine for the adults to have a sausage roll or two later on, it's not on to try to get first pick of the food.

I chalked it down to experience, had a big glass of wine or two later and breathed a sigh of relief that I'd never have to do that again.

Also I was already a party veteran, but had never had anything like this at DD1's parties.

When you can't see that being able to save money to begin with is a privilege, that really says a lot. Literally no one said it was acceptable. It's just not worth getting so wound up about. Be happy you were able to provide a nice party and get some sleep.

OK, cousin then. No, of course you can't be everywhere, and if you didn't see it you couldn't do anything about it. I hadn't understood that you hadn't seen it as your post was very long.

Chalk it up to experience. It isn't really worth stewing over and losing sleep. These people will not be getting any further invitations from you. The end.

I grew up below the breadline and I'm still poor now, OP doesn't sound "privileged" for having to save for months for their child's birthday party.

For what it's worth OP, I think this comment sounds ridiculous and condescending.

Rise above it. They’re obviously a family with issues, ill-educated, who haven’t been shown how to behave by their parents. There may be financial pressures or a lack of food at home. It’s a shame for the kids, who will end up being left out. Thinking about these sorts of things may help dissolve your anger.

Let it go. You will be meeting plenty over the years, in playgrounds and at other parties.
just be glad that you are not like that. And remember your own manners, even when they clearly don’t. Sounds like it went great!!

All the best.

Thank you everyone. @Shalopea you've put it into perspective really, but lack of food at home, if that is an issue for the family, shouldn't stop them just saying happy birthday to the 'party child' which would have cost them nothing.

I stand by the fact that they are just freeloaders, and they won't every be invited again.

Thanks also @purpleberries1 - I didn't think working your ass off to save just a few pounds a week/month (literally a few, not a few hundred) was "privileged" either, but my financial status is completely irrelevant to this thread anyway. Your comments are appreciated!

The 8 year old eating - thats bad (no idea why you invited siblings- much easier not to invite any)
the rest of it- seems normal - to call a three year old a bully is horrible -there are always some brattish children (and generally some annoying parents) but you get over it, Did you welcome the parents? thats normally when they say happy birthday (i don't really remember speaking to the child themselves...)
For someone who didn't want presents you seem to have kept a close eye on what was bought and to be running a scorecard

Only people with extra money can save it. Not sure how that's condescending, it's the opposite. I've never been able to afford a birthday party, but if I did I wouldn't stay up all night writing paragraphs about a child who smeared a cupcake. I'd be thankful for the fucking cupcake.