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Original poster

Awake stewing at 3am due to disgraceful party etiquette

570 replies

Anonymouse2019 · 27/11/2023 03:50

It was recently my daughter's 4th birthday party. She attends a nursery preschool and she is one of the eldest so most of the other children are still 3 years old.

We didn't know who her closest friends were when writing invitations about 6 weeks ago so decided to invite the whole class of 18 kids. 13 RSVP'd, 10 of those could come.

With the invitations addressed to the children, we included a little note for parents/guardians with a bit more info about the venue and a little bit about our child which was relevant to the party. We also stated that a gift for our child wasn't necessary and that their child's company would be the best gift for our little girl (mainly that was us being diplomatic in a COL crisis) BUT we said if their child wanted to give or make a card for our daughter, that would be lovely and that we would keep them in her memory box for when she was a bit older (after she'd opened them, obviously).

Also in this note we said that the entrance fee and lunch for their child was covered but if the invited child wished to bring siblings, the parent/guardian would need to purchase food at the venue for that/those siblings.

I'll get to the point now.

One mum of a boy, F, replied saying he could attend. She did bring her child to the party and she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...). Cousin was 8 years old.

F's older cousin sat down with the invited younger children and was helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents. The adult with them stood there and did nothing but I didn't realise until the meal was nearly over because there was so much going on in the room. Several other kids brought siblings and ALL their parents paid for those siblings' meals except for F's mother.

F was a pushy, grabby bully. He was pushing the other invited children about with no interference from his mum. I was wrapping cupcakes in clean napkins to add to the children's party bags (after they'd already had some birthday cake) and F came over and started grabbing at the cupcakes, running the icing and details on 4 or 5 of them. I very gently said these were to take home, they were not for now but he could have some more birthday cake instead. He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it. No other children did this.

At the end of the day, they were the only guests not to say goodbye, or thank you for inviting them. More importantly they didn't wish my daughter a happy birthday or acknowledge her at all.

We came away with a small stack of cards and a couple of presents which was lovely. My child opened them later at home. None of them were from F.

F had taken home, as had all the other invited guests, a party bag put together by me, which contained some children's colouring stuff, a pot of bubbles, sweets, mini packet of biscuits and a little rubber stamp, plus the cupcake. Of course it was our choice to provide these and we were happy to.

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!), he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away, they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card. They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end. F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.

I woke at 3am thinking about the injustice of this and have been wondering if I should hand his mum a note on the school run, or even invoice her for the cousin's meal and the ruined cupcakes, but for the sake of about £10 it doesn't seem worth the bad feeling and aggro for every school run hereon in, however letting the mother get away with all this scot-free to me is not okay either.

Obviously we know not to invite F to anything again, but should I say something in private away from kids and other parents to his mum or is that a step too far?

OP posts:
Notimeforidiots69 · 30/11/2023 10:35

My sincerest apologies and thank you. I had actually read that as the 8 year old was the one causing all the havoc! Seems he was just the freeloader! I need to go back to Specsavers!

Thisgroupsucks · 30/11/2023 11:22

You have way too much time on your hands to type all this over something to trivial! I

sunglassesonthetable · 30/11/2023 12:04

Oh stop being so rude. You have no idea about OP's life. @Thisgroupsucks

This is what MN is for and OP is worrying.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Families General relationships
eastegg · 30/11/2023 13:34

flowerchild2000 · 27/11/2023 04:08

So one child out of the many was a little unpleasant. It's not something to ruminate over. Certainly not something to speak out on. It really doesn't sound that bad, but you seem really uptight. Just don't invite them again. Or just relax! Nobody got hurt. You're obviously very privileged so try to enjoy that instead of staying up all night being miserable over a child that ate food and smeared a cupcake.

Not sure where you’re getting ‘obviously very privileged’ from. Do you associate privilege with expecting good manners from others? I think your comment is a slur on those who are not privileged at all but who still like to save up, spend money on a kid’s party and expect decent behaviour from others.

HelenTherese2 · 30/11/2023 13:38

Let it go.

You have no idea what is going on in other people’s lives. The kids won’t remember any of this happening and it’s mainly spoiled the party for you by the sound of it. It’s just not worth getting upset about.

I was the parent of a ‘naughty’ child who didn’t get invited to things. Turned out he has ASD but we didn’t find out until years later. He was hard work and I lost the will to live several times.

eastegg · 30/11/2023 13:48

eastegg · 30/11/2023 13:34

Not sure where you’re getting ‘obviously very privileged’ from. Do you associate privilege with expecting good manners from others? I think your comment is a slur on those who are not privileged at all but who still like to save up, spend money on a kid’s party and expect decent behaviour from others.

Show quote history

Looks like I’m a bit late to the party with this comment (pun intended).

I’m still right though 😄

Casperroonie · 30/11/2023 14:41

NoItsStillNighttimeDarling · 27/11/2023 04:09

Gosh stewing at 3am about a 3 year old's behaviour is a very strong reaction. I think raising this with mum or sending a note would be very over the top and open a can of worms. She's a bit of a CF like lots of people (unfortunately). Just don't invite them again!

Not the case at all as per what OP wrote??? 8 year old uninvited?

Casperroonie · 30/11/2023 14:43

Anonymouse2019 · 27/11/2023 03:50

It was recently my daughter's 4th birthday party. She attends a nursery preschool and she is one of the eldest so most of the other children are still 3 years old.

We didn't know who her closest friends were when writing invitations about 6 weeks ago so decided to invite the whole class of 18 kids. 13 RSVP'd, 10 of those could come.

With the invitations addressed to the children, we included a little note for parents/guardians with a bit more info about the venue and a little bit about our child which was relevant to the party. We also stated that a gift for our child wasn't necessary and that their child's company would be the best gift for our little girl (mainly that was us being diplomatic in a COL crisis) BUT we said if their child wanted to give or make a card for our daughter, that would be lovely and that we would keep them in her memory box for when she was a bit older (after she'd opened them, obviously).

Also in this note we said that the entrance fee and lunch for their child was covered but if the invited child wished to bring siblings, the parent/guardian would need to purchase food at the venue for that/those siblings.

I'll get to the point now.

One mum of a boy, F, replied saying he could attend. She did bring her child to the party and she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...). Cousin was 8 years old.

F's older cousin sat down with the invited younger children and was helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents. The adult with them stood there and did nothing but I didn't realise until the meal was nearly over because there was so much going on in the room. Several other kids brought siblings and ALL their parents paid for those siblings' meals except for F's mother.

F was a pushy, grabby bully. He was pushing the other invited children about with no interference from his mum. I was wrapping cupcakes in clean napkins to add to the children's party bags (after they'd already had some birthday cake) and F came over and started grabbing at the cupcakes, running the icing and details on 4 or 5 of them. I very gently said these were to take home, they were not for now but he could have some more birthday cake instead. He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it. No other children did this.

At the end of the day, they were the only guests not to say goodbye, or thank you for inviting them. More importantly they didn't wish my daughter a happy birthday or acknowledge her at all.

We came away with a small stack of cards and a couple of presents which was lovely. My child opened them later at home. None of them were from F.

F had taken home, as had all the other invited guests, a party bag put together by me, which contained some children's colouring stuff, a pot of bubbles, sweets, mini packet of biscuits and a little rubber stamp, plus the cupcake. Of course it was our choice to provide these and we were happy to.

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!), he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away, they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card. They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end. F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.

I woke at 3am thinking about the injustice of this and have been wondering if I should hand his mum a note on the school run, or even invoice her for the cousin's meal and the ruined cupcakes, but for the sake of about £10 it doesn't seem worth the bad feeling and aggro for every school run hereon in, however letting the mother get away with all this scot-free to me is not okay either.

Obviously we know not to invite F to anything again, but should I say something in private away from kids and other parents to his mum or is that a step too far?

Totally get it. Foul behaviour from child and parent. But best to take a very deep breath and let it go. Never ever invite the kid again and leave out the siblings in future.

Muddybooties · 30/11/2023 22:34

Wondering if @Anonymouse2019 has got any sleep yet, or still tossing and turning 🤔

LittleMonks11 · 01/12/2023 08:36

Muddybooties · 30/11/2023 22:34

Wondering if @Anonymouse2019 has got any sleep yet, or still tossing and turning 🤔

Don't be mean

Muddybooties · 01/12/2023 10:14

With respect @LittleMonks11 she is going to have to grow a thicker skin.

The account of what happened is positively mild when it comes to birthday parties.

HappydaysArehere · 01/12/2023 11:28

NoItsStillNighttimeDarling · 27/11/2023 04:09

Gosh stewing at 3am about a 3 year old's behaviour is a very strong reaction. I think raising this with mum or sending a note would be very over the top and open a can of worms. She's a bit of a CF like lots of people (unfortunately). Just don't invite them again!

The child who behaved badly was 8 years old. So old enough to know how to behave and physically a lot bigger than the other children. I would have been annoyed as his behaviour wasn’t corrected and yes the mother’s behaviour was awful. Try to forget it and just remember not to invite them again. Certainly don’t invoice the mother.

moomoomoo27 · 01/12/2023 11:29

Geneve82 · 28/11/2023 19:09

ah…. mid 1980s

explains a lot.

These don’t exist anymore

Show quote history

Yes...that's what I said. That it stopped not long before I started primary school. Do try to keep up.

Lotstodotoday · 01/12/2023 11:40

HappydaysArehere · 01/12/2023 11:28

The child who behaved badly was 8 years old. So old enough to know how to behave and physically a lot bigger than the other children. I would have been annoyed as his behaviour wasn’t corrected and yes the mother’s behaviour was awful. Try to forget it and just remember not to invite them again. Certainly don’t invoice the mother.

Show quote history

No, the child, F, who was described as a badly behaved bully was only three.
His cousin (who also attended and ate some party food which his aunt didn't pay for) was the eight year old.

housethatbuiltme · 01/12/2023 15:24

HappydaysArehere · 01/12/2023 11:28

The child who behaved badly was 8 years old. So old enough to know how to behave and physically a lot bigger than the other children. I would have been annoyed as his behaviour wasn’t corrected and yes the mother’s behaviour was awful. Try to forget it and just remember not to invite them again. Certainly don’t invoice the mother.

Show quote history

No I think you need to re-read it, the badly behaved child was 3 year old.

The 8 year old was just there mind his own business but OP is mad he was there despite inviting people to bring their other children along.

OP has confused people by starting off the post with a totally irreverent 8 year old then switching to talking about the invited TODDLER who acted exactly like a toddler at their first party would.

LittleMonks11 · 01/12/2023 16:11

Muddybooties · 01/12/2023 10:14

With respect @LittleMonks11 she is going to have to grow a thicker skin.

The account of what happened is positively mild when it comes to birthday parties.

That may be so, but what was the point of your comment other than to be mean?

Muddybooties · 02/12/2023 00:43

LittleMonks11 · 01/12/2023 16:11

That may be so, but what was the point of your comment other than to be mean?

Show quote history

@LittleMonks11

OP initially posted multiple times between 4-5am. Then nothing for several days.

The conversation has gone on significantly on the thread, lots of input, at times heavy discussion.

I was wondering if, having had time to reflect and taking in everyone’s opinion, she was still feeling as vexed or if she had been able to put the experience into perspective…

I thought I’d be funny to lighten the tone of the thread and maybe help OP see how disproportionate the reaction was…

Wasn’t meant in a mean way.

Chimpandcheese · 02/12/2023 15:23

Life’s too short to stew over something like this. Yes, mum is clearly I’ll mannered or unaware of correct etiquette. Just don’t invite them in future but leave it at that and let it go.

justagirlmum · 02/12/2023 20:49

Am I the only one who feels bad for the kid? Due to his mother apparently not parenting him properly during a party, he is now going to be excluded from all other parties?! How is that fair. Poor kid.
God forbid my three year old acts like a 'bully' or 'brat' at a party and then isn't invited to anything else. That's heartbreaking.
Don't take out your feelings on the poor kid.

Myfabby · 02/12/2023 21:50

justagirlmum · 02/12/2023 20:49

Am I the only one who feels bad for the kid? Due to his mother apparently not parenting him properly during a party, he is now going to be excluded from all other parties?! How is that fair. Poor kid.
God forbid my three year old acts like a 'bully' or 'brat' at a party and then isn't invited to anything else. That's heartbreaking.
Don't take out your feelings on the poor kid.

He's not going to be excluded from all parties.

Most people aren't OTT like OP and besides it's nursery, they'll all soon skip off into the sunset to primary

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