Awake stewing at 3am due to disgraceful party etiquette

[Anonymouse2019]

It was recently my daughter's 4th birthday party. She attends a nursery preschool and she is one of the eldest so most of the other children are still 3 years old.

We didn't know who her closest friends were when writing invitations about 6 weeks ago so decided to invite the whole class of 18 kids. 13 RSVP'd, 10 of those could come.

With the invitations addressed to the children, we included a little note for parents/guardians with a bit more info about the venue and a little bit about our child which was relevant to the party. We also stated that a gift for our child wasn't necessary and that their child's company would be the best gift for our little girl (mainly that was us being diplomatic in a COL crisis) BUT we said if their child wanted to give or make a card for our daughter, that would be lovely and that we would keep them in her memory box for when she was a bit older (after she'd opened them, obviously).

Also in this note we said that the entrance fee and lunch for their child was covered but if the invited child wished to bring siblings, the parent/guardian would need to purchase food at the venue for that/those siblings.

I'll get to the point now.

One mum of a boy, F, replied saying he could attend. She did bring her child to the party and she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...). Cousin was 8 years old.

F's older cousin sat down with the invited younger children and was helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents. The adult with them stood there and did nothing but I didn't realise until the meal was nearly over because there was so much going on in the room. Several other kids brought siblings and ALL their parents paid for those siblings' meals except for F's mother.

F was a pushy, grabby bully. He was pushing the other invited children about with no interference from his mum. I was wrapping cupcakes in clean napkins to add to the children's party bags (after they'd already had some birthday cake) and F came over and started grabbing at the cupcakes, running the icing and details on 4 or 5 of them. I very gently said these were to take home, they were not for now but he could have some more birthday cake instead. He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it. No other children did this.

At the end of the day, they were the only guests not to say goodbye, or thank you for inviting them. More importantly they didn't wish my daughter a happy birthday or acknowledge her at all.

We came away with a small stack of cards and a couple of presents which was lovely. My child opened them later at home. None of them were from F.

F had taken home, as had all the other invited guests, a party bag put together by me, which contained some children's colouring stuff, a pot of bubbles, sweets, mini packet of biscuits and a little rubber stamp, plus the cupcake. Of course it was our choice to provide these and we were happy to.

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!), he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away, they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card. They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end. F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.

I woke at 3am thinking about the injustice of this and have been wondering if I should hand his mum a note on the school run, or even invoice her for the cousin's meal and the ruined cupcakes, but for the sake of about £10 it doesn't seem worth the bad feeling and aggro for every school run hereon in, however letting the mother get away with all this scot-free to me is not okay either.

Obviously we know not to invite F to anything again, but should I say something in private away from kids and other parents to his mum or is that a step too far?

What a rude and totally patronising statement to call op privileged because she was able to save up for her daughter‘s birthday party . Have you heard the term sacrifice maybe ? You are totally out of order .

Do not send a note.

Next time, go up to F parent and say "sorry, the meals provided are for the guests, there is a cafe that you can purchase food for the cousin"

If this issue arises again, be firm & stick to your boundaries.

Since when is being privileged enough to save money a negative thing? It's not an insult. I hardly call that a sacrifice though. That's very OTT. The level of drama here is hilarious!

You couldn't be more wrong.

1. We didn't invite siblings. We invited classmates only, but said if those classmates wanted to bring siblings then parents/guardians would need to pay the entry fee for those siblings plus their food and drinks. I don't think that's an unreasonable request.

1. To call a 3 year old a bully is horrible, I agree, but that's exactly what he was because his mother stood there and allowed it without any intervention whatsoever.

1. Yes, I absolutely did welcome the parent, F and his cousin. I chatted for 2-3 minutes with the mum as the children went off to play but left to greet other guests as they came in. The mother didn't wish my child a happy birthday (to me or directly to my daughter).

1. Not wanting gifts was genuine, as I said mainly due to diplomacy I'm understanding that very many people are sadly unable to afford gifts, especially so close to Christmas. We're also in the process of moving house so am grateful we don't have more things to pack! Our daughter also has plenty of new things for her birthday from friends and family as well as us and doesn't 'need' more, some of which she might not play with anyway. I do appreciate the couple of gifts she received but honestly wasn't expecting or hoping for any - my concern was also avoiding bad feeling between other parents if some offered gifts when others might not be able to so actually was hoping for none at all.

1. With regards to the cards, two things. Firstly, it was my partner who noticed there wasn't a card from F, but also I did when I was sending a message to individual parents after the party, thanking them for bringing their child(ren) and also for their card, but saying I hope their child had a good time etc.

Why I'm explaining myself like I'm in the Dock here I don't know...

And now you know that F isn't a friend, but let it go.

OP you are going to arrange a fair few parties over your child's lifetime. Don't let this one child and this incident spoil the memories of your dd's 4th one.

This happens a fair bit I am afraid to says. Parties highlight the differences in the way we behave and bring up our children. Not everyone raises their children the same, and many will take advantage of this type of situation.

I never think inviting a whole class is a good idea, although I get why you did it.

Just use this as a gauge for when you plan another party.

How did your dd enjoy her day? Was she even aware of what was going on in the background? I'm assuming she had a nice time with all of her friends, and didn't know about one child who didn't pay their way. So, now in hindsight, which part is the most important to you?

Posters here and in real life I've noticed will use the 'you're privileged' in an attempt to shut someone down or make them feel bad, I have no idea why. It's like they think they're being deep and insightful.
Never heard it in relation to a parent saving up for a kids birthday party!

The child is three years old. Three. He isn't a bully, and he isn't a terror: he's a toddler.

Feel free to be annoyed at the mother, who was rude. But to take it out on a toddler, even in your head, is unnecessary. Not the kid's fault...because he is three.

The parties I have had and been to there is a small group of kids they play eat and go home, they may leave presents or not but I don’t keep track, We always take a present and leave it with them it is either opened there or at home, I do not need or a send any communication afterwards as a thank you at the time is enough

Birthday parties do not need to be an epic event and sure rude to brings guests not invited but the higher expectations of a party the more disappointment it does to tick all the boxes you planned – you are not planning a coronation

Pps pretending this wouldn’t piss them off to the absolute max!

OP I would be fuming too. Livid. Absolutely nothing you can do without it being turned round on you. Try and let it go safe in the knowledge you haven’t put a foot wrong and they will always be CFs

How is privilege and being able to provide a party a bad thing? Why would they feel bad for that? Being part of a discussion is the opposite of shutting someone down. Money will always be a privilege, in any situation. Acting like a smeared cupcake is the end of the world is extremely OTT and the OP should probably avoid spending on a party again if one rude child ruins it for them. There's always one kid who's been raised by wolves, so maybe just have a little celebration at home next time if you can't handle it. Staying up all night moaning and creating long numbered lists to make various points is too much. Although entertaining I admit!

Yep this. You'll look back on this and wonder why you were ever that bothered about it.

I’ve never done a whole-class invitation, but there’s always at least one kid at a party who is badly behaved. it’s just par for the course.

My DC is now 12 and there’s still always at least one kid at parties who is bad-mannered or mean to the other kids. You just roll your eyes, sigh and complain to your spouse/partner/friend/sister and move on.

Giving a note to the parent will not achieve anything other than making you look bad. She’s not going to change her parenting or give you an apology, so just try to let it go.

Oh and I know what the poster means by 'privileged' - many children across the world will never see a birthday party or anything like it. It's a 'bigger picture' thing.

The OP is already wound up over something minor...no need for everyone else to join in wringing their hands over the party.

He wasn't invited in the first place. That's kind of the point!

You definitely need to let this go. This sounds like pretty much every children's party I've ever hosted or been to. F is 3, some 3 year olds are very tricky. The cousin and food thing is rude but not the end of the world. Maybe F's mum slipped out without a goodbye because she felt stressed by taking a 3 and 8 year old to a party. You will find so many apparent injustices through your child's school years and beyond and you probably need to desensitise yourself a bit and behave as well as you can and ignore less good behaviours from others.

Honestly, your expectations about birthday parties for 3yo’s are completely off. Honestly, I would have immediately clocked this, tagged you as hard work and politely declined the invite citing a clash. Honestly after attending a gazillion children’s parties you can pick up these red flags when the last of your kids are going through this stage.

The most info an invite would need to have re a venue would be ‘must bring socks’ if soft play, trampolining etc and these are the venue rules. Apart from that people can find a venue on Google maps/car GPS. I can’t imagine what info an invite would have needed about your child? Surely ‘invite to Charlotte’s 4th birthday’ is all that is required? No other parent wants to have to wade through any more than this on an invite.

No presents is fair enough, and a good approach to take at times like these. Although your internal stress over whether some may bring something and some may not is odd. No one cares. Seriously.

The card thing is odd though. I’d be super pissed if the expectation was to get my 3yo to make a card. What a faff. On that basis alone I’d probably not bother with the whole thing. The bit about keeping the cards in a special memory box though is gold. For when? 6yo when at school and not with any of the people the cards came from, she wouldn’t even remember them. Or at her 21st to look back on a bunch of random 3yo’s she has no idea about. I really would have had a good chuckle over that one. I’m thinking you don’t have experience of kids in this regard?

Sure, F’s mum seems rude and F a ‘challenging child’, but you are going to get these over the years. This may be the first you encountered but will not be the last so stewing all weekend, considering a 3yo’s party ruined and a note as a ‘consequence’. Batshit. Absolutely batshit. You are in for one long haul lady. Giving a screeching kid a cake so other parents would not think you are hurting them? What? Maybe brush up on your kid wrangling abilities. I also wouldn’t expect all 3yo’s to politely thank you for the party and wish their peer happy birthday. This is not within all 3yo’s abilities. I have some that could have, and others not, yet as adults their 3yo birthday etiquette abilities have had no bearing on adult social functioning😁.

In every classroom, playground, rainbows/beavers, soft play center and of course birthday party there will most probably be a quiet shy kid, one or a few little horrors, the child that is glued to adults and acts like one themselves, the child that is fascinated with scratching their own backside while picking their nose with the other hand then eating the sandwiches, one who cries if a pin is dropped

Large groups of kids are the same, it happens

Whole class parties are the Bain of today’s existence and yet I always think of the few children who would never have gotten to a party otherwise so am torn. We’ve had one per child and they have never worked (and have made me be in awe of teachers!!) I’m another who says just chalk it to experience. At worst they weren’t great at best she was made bring the cousin and got out of there quickly because she was under pressure with both. Hope your child had a lovely day!

The child isn't 3. He's 8.

This mum and her child weren't great OP, but sadly you'll find that there are children who aren't very nice, and their parents will often not intervene.
I think that sadly you'll realise that this is the tip of the iceberg.
I've been more than shocked at other people's children, and their behaviour over the years, but you do learn to just mentally tick them off of any lists for future and avoid any interaction between your children outside of school and give the mothers a swerve at the playground.

Some people are just rude! I once had a parent say they need to bring their 3 year old to a 7 year olds party as they were a single parent and had no childcare, I said that was fine and they dropped the 3 year old off and disappeared without telling me so they could have 2 hours to themselves!

The more you hold parties, the better you’ll get at spotting potential problems.

You said you told the parents information about your child, out of curiosity, what was it?
I know you were only being nice but I wouldn’t have said don’t bring a present, make a card etc because as a guest I’d still bring you a present anyway but would be unsure if I was offending you!
I’d also watch as people come in and say immediately in a polite way, you need to pay x in or just a reminder you need to pay x for food. As food arrives, firmly say to the child ‘ask your grown up for food’ don’t give them the opportunity to join in.
Finally, keep cupcakes etc out of reach so they can’t be destroyed like that again.

As harsh as OP is going to think your post is, I agree with every single word of this.

OP, you are entirely justified in your irritation but you have got to find a way to let this go. Maybe there are serious and awful things happening in F’s extended family which necessitated bringing the cousin, maybe they are cheeky freeloaders with no manners. Perhaps it’s some combination of the two. Your child and the rest of your guests had a lovely time. You have written it all down in great detail and now you need to find catharsis and move on. Do you have a tendency to overthink or dwell on things? What usually helps?

No, he's 3. His cousin is 8. The OP is complaining about both the 3 year old, who she calls a bully, and his cousin who got a free meal.