Awake stewing at 3am due to disgraceful party etiquette

[Anonymouse2019]

It was recently my daughter's 4th birthday party. She attends a nursery preschool and she is one of the eldest so most of the other children are still 3 years old.

We didn't know who her closest friends were when writing invitations about 6 weeks ago so decided to invite the whole class of 18 kids. 13 RSVP'd, 10 of those could come.

With the invitations addressed to the children, we included a little note for parents/guardians with a bit more info about the venue and a little bit about our child which was relevant to the party. We also stated that a gift for our child wasn't necessary and that their child's company would be the best gift for our little girl (mainly that was us being diplomatic in a COL crisis) BUT we said if their child wanted to give or make a card for our daughter, that would be lovely and that we would keep them in her memory box for when she was a bit older (after she'd opened them, obviously).

Also in this note we said that the entrance fee and lunch for their child was covered but if the invited child wished to bring siblings, the parent/guardian would need to purchase food at the venue for that/those siblings.

I'll get to the point now.

One mum of a boy, F, replied saying he could attend. She did bring her child to the party and she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...). Cousin was 8 years old.

F's older cousin sat down with the invited younger children and was helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents. The adult with them stood there and did nothing but I didn't realise until the meal was nearly over because there was so much going on in the room. Several other kids brought siblings and ALL their parents paid for those siblings' meals except for F's mother.

F was a pushy, grabby bully. He was pushing the other invited children about with no interference from his mum. I was wrapping cupcakes in clean napkins to add to the children's party bags (after they'd already had some birthday cake) and F came over and started grabbing at the cupcakes, running the icing and details on 4 or 5 of them. I very gently said these were to take home, they were not for now but he could have some more birthday cake instead. He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it. No other children did this.

At the end of the day, they were the only guests not to say goodbye, or thank you for inviting them. More importantly they didn't wish my daughter a happy birthday or acknowledge her at all.

We came away with a small stack of cards and a couple of presents which was lovely. My child opened them later at home. None of them were from F.

F had taken home, as had all the other invited guests, a party bag put together by me, which contained some children's colouring stuff, a pot of bubbles, sweets, mini packet of biscuits and a little rubber stamp, plus the cupcake. Of course it was our choice to provide these and we were happy to.

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!), he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away, they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card. They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end. F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.

I woke at 3am thinking about the injustice of this and have been wondering if I should hand his mum a note on the school run, or even invoice her for the cousin's meal and the ruined cupcakes, but for the sake of about £10 it doesn't seem worth the bad feeling and aggro for every school run hereon in, however letting the mother get away with all this scot-free to me is not okay either.

Obviously we know not to invite F to anything again, but should I say something in private away from kids and other parents to his mum or is that a step too far?

Invoicing - seriously!!??

You have got to let this go. Almost every party I’ve been to has a CF like this. But honestly, your issue is you and the response you have chosen to have to it. You can’t control the other family’s behaviour but you can choose how you deal with it. Being awake at 3am thinking about how you can avenge this huge injustice is probably not the healthiest of coping strategies.

“Injustice” FFS. Get some perspective and maybe some hobbies? I cannot imagine giving anything so much anger.

It isn't the DC's fault and the blame lies firmly with the parents for not correcting the behaviour, but of course a 3yo can be a bully and a terror in the same way they can be kind or helpful (sometimes they can be all four!). They are a reflection of what has been taught to them, either by modelling good behaviours or correcting less desirable ones.
Would you also object to a 3yo being called polite? Because by doing so you are also labelling them, the only difference is attributing a positive quality rather than a negative one. The politeness would also be the 'fault'/result of the parenting received.

What a shame. A small child, just 3 years old, is going to be isolated from future parties because his / her parents haven’t yet taught them good manners. That’s really kind of you!
Regarding the elder cousin, how can you be sure that they ate all the food if you didn’t see them until the end? If you DID see them, or when they arrived, why didn’t you just remind the parent that the party food had only been purchased for the nursery children? It may well have been that this parent couldn’t afford food for the sibling / cousin - these places can be very expensive!
I think your invite was misleading. Next time, make it clear that siblings would not be able to come into the party room due to limited numbers. You kind of left your self wide open.

It's annoying but standard. If you invite more than 20 people anywhere, there'll be at least one cheeky fucker. But, your dd had a lovely party, most of the guests were lovely - that's a win, take it and don't ruminate over the imperfections.

OP this is annoying but it's one of those things. Don't waste any more headspace on it, all that achieves is to bring your own mood down. It's not something to lie awake stewing and lose sleep over.

We've all come across people like this who take the piss and don't have great manners. It's annoying that this happened but the only mature response is to move on and don't invite them again.

Sorry to hear you're up all night worrying and ranting, OP, but glad it's about something really worthwhile. With everything else going on in the world it's good to hear of someone actually thinking about the real issues facing humanity.

The mother is a CF and doesn’t watch/parent F

F is a product of that environment

it wasn’t really personally directed at you - that’s how F’s family behave. So keep away from them in future and forget this incident.

Whole class parties always bring a few odd bods out of the woodwork. You have to be pretty laid back to host one. I would just invite a few in future. I also think that it is bad party etiquette to have some food available for free and some some paid for. Trying to micro manage with the card making is also a bit much.

You need to chill out.Save your energy for real worries. Your child’s party has not been ‘ruined’. You really risk passing on your drama queen attitude to your child.

This. Plus make it clear ONLY invited children will stay at the party. No others are invited.

@Anonymouse2019 now breathe.

this is only one grabby kid at a party. Pace yourself, there are bigger challenges to come in life for you to lose sleep over a birthday party

I know things seem crazy and enormous at 3am, but they’re not, and sleeping on it is a perfectly good way of finding a resolution

I think she said the child who misbehaved was 8? Or did I misread that?

It happens OP. It was rubbish behaviour but chalk it up to experience and move on. At my DDs last party an uninvited younger sibling came. Ate the food (which we were ok with as there was plenty) but then loitered at the end for a party bag! They were the last to leave the venue and made a big show of packing their stuff together- very clearly anticipating a gift from us- which never came. You just have to grimace a bit at the rudeness and move on with your day whilst making sure that you're never that parent and that you raise your kids better!

i wholeheartedly agree too! The request for hand made cards to put in a memory box also made me chuckle and roll my eyes at the same time.

But most of all the ruminating at 3am and considering writing a note with demand for money to shove into the mother’s hands!

This is bang on 😂

@NoItsStillNighttimeDarling you were right. I did indeed misunderstand the post.

I'm still quite baffled about the reluctance people have - absent parent or guardian stepping in - to remove the badly behaved children from the scene. Either return them physically to the parent, or shout the parent over to come and take control.

And if necessary eject them.

Being annoyed with F’s mum is totally reasonable but this is a parent issue not a child one really.

There's obviously something else going on for a mum not to step in and say something. Rise above it and don't invite again.
And don't invoice her, she won't pay anyway

Agree with hopping. You definitely don’t have the skill set or personality to host for kids / young peoples parties. Seriously hire somewhere with staff to do it and don’t get involved yourself or get your Dh to do it.

The truth is there’s always someone worse off … in that sense we’re ALL privileged. It was a ridiculous comment to make!

There is no shame in it. There are some “mum” jobs I am shit at so Dh does and vice versa.

I agree with all this too.

Some children get a bit wild at parties. It's a bit annoying that a sibling and a cousin got food they hadn't paid for when they weren't the invitees but that's it. A bit annoying, not 3am stewing level of disturbance.

Please don’t invoice the mum or send a note. That would be more out of the normal realm of behaviour that the (clearly somewhat bored) 8 year old.

The amount of P's who assume that F is 3, when the OP has said clearly is 8 is getting annoying now 🤨
OP, completely understand your 'middle of the night fuming'. I would do the same.
They have marked their card now and all you can do is never invite them again.
Anything else just breathes life into it and will get out of your control.