Awake stewing at 3am due to disgraceful party etiquette

[Anonymouse2019]

It was recently my daughter's 4th birthday party. She attends a nursery preschool and she is one of the eldest so most of the other children are still 3 years old.

We didn't know who her closest friends were when writing invitations about 6 weeks ago so decided to invite the whole class of 18 kids. 13 RSVP'd, 10 of those could come.

With the invitations addressed to the children, we included a little note for parents/guardians with a bit more info about the venue and a little bit about our child which was relevant to the party. We also stated that a gift for our child wasn't necessary and that their child's company would be the best gift for our little girl (mainly that was us being diplomatic in a COL crisis) BUT we said if their child wanted to give or make a card for our daughter, that would be lovely and that we would keep them in her memory box for when she was a bit older (after she'd opened them, obviously).

Also in this note we said that the entrance fee and lunch for their child was covered but if the invited child wished to bring siblings, the parent/guardian would need to purchase food at the venue for that/those siblings.

I'll get to the point now.

One mum of a boy, F, replied saying he could attend. She did bring her child to the party and she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...). Cousin was 8 years old.

F's older cousin sat down with the invited younger children and was helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents. The adult with them stood there and did nothing but I didn't realise until the meal was nearly over because there was so much going on in the room. Several other kids brought siblings and ALL their parents paid for those siblings' meals except for F's mother.

F was a pushy, grabby bully. He was pushing the other invited children about with no interference from his mum. I was wrapping cupcakes in clean napkins to add to the children's party bags (after they'd already had some birthday cake) and F came over and started grabbing at the cupcakes, running the icing and details on 4 or 5 of them. I very gently said these were to take home, they were not for now but he could have some more birthday cake instead. He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it. No other children did this.

At the end of the day, they were the only guests not to say goodbye, or thank you for inviting them. More importantly they didn't wish my daughter a happy birthday or acknowledge her at all.

We came away with a small stack of cards and a couple of presents which was lovely. My child opened them later at home. None of them were from F.

F had taken home, as had all the other invited guests, a party bag put together by me, which contained some children's colouring stuff, a pot of bubbles, sweets, mini packet of biscuits and a little rubber stamp, plus the cupcake. Of course it was our choice to provide these and we were happy to.

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!), he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away, they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card. They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end. F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.

I woke at 3am thinking about the injustice of this and have been wondering if I should hand his mum a note on the school run, or even invoice her for the cousin's meal and the ruined cupcakes, but for the sake of about £10 it doesn't seem worth the bad feeling and aggro for every school run hereon in, however letting the mother get away with all this scot-free to me is not okay either.

Obviously we know not to invite F to anything again, but should I say something in private away from kids and other parents to his mum or is that a step too far?

He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it.

This is quite weird, OP. I think most people would see the cake, see you, and assume (correctly) that the child was throwing a tantrum. It is very strange that you would worry that they would think you were hurting him.

It's not a whole school party with 18?

It's not even a whole class. Once your child is in reception there will be 28-32 kids.

I've had a couple of whole class parties. Next year this kid may be at a different primary.

One part of me says don't bother, stupid selfish people don't seem to be self aware. But actually maybe you should say something, they probably need to be told and it might actually take some effect if they got pulled up on their terrible behaviour for once

It’s really muddled. Later in the post she says it was the cousin, not F, who ruined the cupcakes. Ridiculously verbose post and it doesn’t even give a clear account of what actually happened.

Tf is an 8 year old doing at a 4 year old birthday party

I would hate to see how you react to real problems.

I say this gently - the fact you have been up all night feeling angry about this is a bit of an over reaction. It's just a party. Kids parties are notoriously chaotic and there is often something that goes wrong or someone who behaves badly. You can't control that. All you can do is roll with the punches and use it as an opportunity to model well-balanced behaviour for your DD.

Honestly, try and let it go. You are in for another decade of this! It sounds a lovely party and I bet your DD had a brilliant time regardless.

Without wanting to sound like a Buddhist monk this is one of those situations where you have to recognise what you can control and let go of what you can’t.

You can’t go back in time and uninvite F. You can choose to focus on the positives of the party (your daughter had fun, some people were generous enough to bring gifts even though you said it wasn’t necessary, the vast majority of the three-year-olds were well-behaved and polite, etc etc). You should choose not to fixate on this one issue.

Your posts remind me of a family member. She is an incredibly negative person who has to find a flaw or fault in absolutely everything and cannot enjoy the merits of anything. She is exhausting, enervating company and people actively avoid her. You do not want this for your daughter or yourself.

F was a pushy, grabby bully.

Hmmmm F is 3 years old. and his cousin got some free food. Big deal.

I once had a party for my 5 year old in the garden (in summer) and one of the neighbour's children (who wasn't even invited to the party) came into our kitchen and was basically minesweeping party food 😂 I guess she was around 8 as well. I found it pretty funny to be fair - the sheer audacity and 'practicality' of it. And completely unbothered when discovered.

She's now a delightful older teenager. And no, I didn't tell her off. I think I offered her a plate.

It's totally understandable you're upset about what happened at your daughter's party. Dealing with F and his mum was a bit of a headache for sure .... But, it's worth thinking about how this might play out if you decide to have a word with her.

First off, you're going to bump into F's mum quite a bit since your daughter and F are at the same nursery. Bringing this up could make things a bit awkward every time you see each other. Also, think about how any tension between you two might affect your daughter and her time at nursery.

You've got to ask yourself, what's the end goal here? If having a chat with F's mum isn't going to change what happened or make things better in the future, it might not be worth stirring the pot.

If you do decide to talk to her, maybe keep it light. Mention that there were a few hiccups at the party and suggest ways to avoid them next time. This way, you're not pointing fingers but still getting your point across.

For the next party, you could be a bit more specific about invites and what's expected from parents. This could save you from a similar situation down the line.

Try to focus on the good bits of the party and the fun your daughter and her mates had. It's easy to get hung up on the bad stuff, but it shouldn't take away from the fact that the party was a hit for most.

Think of this as a bit of a learning curve. It's these kinds of experiences that help you plan better for future dos.

All in all, while you have every right to be miffed, sometimes the best thing to do is to let it slide and chalk it up to experience. Keeping things friendly with the other nursery parents is usually the best way to go, although I know it bloody annoying.

You need to let this go. Your child will spend a lot of time in school don't cause problems where there aren't any. Yes the mother was rude, yes she should have properly supervised her child. But it's done, don't invite them next time.

They were rude yes. But your reaction is incredibly over the top. It's a 4 year olds party, it was always going to be chaos. The mum should have stepped in but some people are just like this, trust me you will see a lot of CF behaviour at kids parties over the next few years.

You need to let this go. Stewing over some cupcakes and a naughty 3 year old at 3am is a huge overreaction and you're in for a miserable time at primary school if you see everything as an 'injustice' to your dc.

4 years time you will have a lot more 8 year olds to contend with, this is your first lesson op

He will likely grow into a dreadful gate crasher at teen parties who causes mayhem and abuses the host parents. Brace yourself for the future! You do need a thick skin when hosting parties for any age sadly.
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No I wouldn't say anything. Yes I would put this down to one of the many shitty situations you'll come across in the coming years when it comes to kids parties and, mainly, other parents. Let it go.

The mother was a rude CF and it's hardly surprising that F and F's cousin behave that way when the adult who is supposed to be supervising doesn't bother.

It won't be too long before other children and parents start deciding they don't want to be friends with F. It might sound harsh but children generally don't want to be friends with other children who aren't nice to them.

Stewing about it in the early hours is an overreaction though and you're going to have much bigger issues as DC grows up.

OP, they sound rude but that's just the way some people are. It's totally unnecessary to lose sleep over this kind of thing... just let it go. You have many years of parenting ahead of you and there will be lots of frustrations like this. Don't sweat the small stuff!!!

Yeah I agree with this. The memory box made me chuckle too😂

It was a kids party. Most adults find them a complete chore and my heart used to sink when the DC were very young and received invites. They are totally inconsequential events consisting of over excited kids playing, nibbling bits of finger food, overly sugary cakes and party bags that will have been pulled apart and forgotten about within minutes. And yet OP is awake 3am ruminating over an 8 year old eating some of the party food and a 3 year old displaying challenging behaviour (completely normal at that age).

You're not being unreasonable but unfortunately kids parties are stressful and there's always one. Just be glad it's over for another year 😄 it sounds like you put in a lot of effort for your daughter but you need to remember that even though it's her birthday all the other mum's still have their own shit going on- this mum was probably lumbered with her nephew and glad of somewhere to take him so he could let off steam. I'm curious, what was the info you wrote about your daughter that was related to the party?

Firstly, you never know what's going on in people's lives. Some people are always rude, some people are having a bad time.

Secondly, you're allowing the view of the party to be skewed by the behaviour of one family. There must have been some nice things that happened that you could think about instead.

Try to let it go. You'll embarrass yourself if you start bad mouthing parents, two wrongs don't make a right and all that.

Really and truly, did this "ruin my daughter's birthday party," for your daughter? It was clearly very stressful for you, but I doubt this would ruin a party for a three year old, unless your own reaction was very apparent to her.

You sound like a perfectionist op.

The party sounds like a great success to me and it sounds like your daughter's lucky to have classmates with very thoughtful parents - it's rare to get any RSVPs but you got loads. Everyone except one person followed your instructions in terms of gifts/cards and meals for siblings.

There is now way on earth a party for 3 and 4 year olds would have been perfect. Something was always going to go slightly awry because you can't control everything.

Let it go. One inconsiderate person out of a class of 18 is a win.

This. OP, the kid was being a little shit that day but it is what it is ❤️

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!),
You didn’t realise because there was so much going on in the room, well you could have spoken with his aunt as soon as you did realise.

he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away,
You gave him the cupcake, you could have easily not put another one in his party bag. And everyone got a cake.

they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card.
You went down the your presence is more important than presents route, are you seriously worried about a card that will in reality hold no memory for your child when they go through the memory box. There were lots of children there can you be sure that they didn’t speak to your daughter the whole time?

They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end.
Were the party bags just there for taking, usually the child gives them to each guest. If their behaviour was as bad as you say, be glad they left.

F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.
Er, you invited F.

Did your daughter enjoy her party? That’s what really matters. Chalk it up to experience and move on.