Awake stewing at 3am due to disgraceful party etiquette

[Anonymouse2019]

It was recently my daughter's 4th birthday party. She attends a nursery preschool and she is one of the eldest so most of the other children are still 3 years old.

We didn't know who her closest friends were when writing invitations about 6 weeks ago so decided to invite the whole class of 18 kids. 13 RSVP'd, 10 of those could come.

With the invitations addressed to the children, we included a little note for parents/guardians with a bit more info about the venue and a little bit about our child which was relevant to the party. We also stated that a gift for our child wasn't necessary and that their child's company would be the best gift for our little girl (mainly that was us being diplomatic in a COL crisis) BUT we said if their child wanted to give or make a card for our daughter, that would be lovely and that we would keep them in her memory box for when she was a bit older (after she'd opened them, obviously).

Also in this note we said that the entrance fee and lunch for their child was covered but if the invited child wished to bring siblings, the parent/guardian would need to purchase food at the venue for that/those siblings.

I'll get to the point now.

One mum of a boy, F, replied saying he could attend. She did bring her child to the party and she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...). Cousin was 8 years old.

F's older cousin sat down with the invited younger children and was helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents. The adult with them stood there and did nothing but I didn't realise until the meal was nearly over because there was so much going on in the room. Several other kids brought siblings and ALL their parents paid for those siblings' meals except for F's mother.

F was a pushy, grabby bully. He was pushing the other invited children about with no interference from his mum. I was wrapping cupcakes in clean napkins to add to the children's party bags (after they'd already had some birthday cake) and F came over and started grabbing at the cupcakes, running the icing and details on 4 or 5 of them. I very gently said these were to take home, they were not for now but he could have some more birthday cake instead. He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it. No other children did this.

At the end of the day, they were the only guests not to say goodbye, or thank you for inviting them. More importantly they didn't wish my daughter a happy birthday or acknowledge her at all.

We came away with a small stack of cards and a couple of presents which was lovely. My child opened them later at home. None of them were from F.

F had taken home, as had all the other invited guests, a party bag put together by me, which contained some children's colouring stuff, a pot of bubbles, sweets, mini packet of biscuits and a little rubber stamp, plus the cupcake. Of course it was our choice to provide these and we were happy to.

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!), he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away, they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card. They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end. F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.

I woke at 3am thinking about the injustice of this and have been wondering if I should hand his mum a note on the school run, or even invoice her for the cousin's meal and the ruined cupcakes, but for the sake of about £10 it doesn't seem worth the bad feeling and aggro for every school run hereon in, however letting the mother get away with all this scot-free to me is not okay either.

Obviously we know not to invite F to anything again, but should I say something in private away from kids and other parents to his mum or is that a step too far?

OP, you sound really intense. You need to find ways to lighten up before your child starts to mimic your neuroses. It’s not that deep.

So don't ever have a moan about anything ever because 'people across the world don't have x'?

@BeadedBubbles The one she called a "pushy, grabby bully" who was overexcited about the cupcakes was, in fact, three.

Sadly this type of experience with unpleasant families with no manners and children with a shit upbringing will be repeated throughout your time as a parent. Take it in your stride and focus on raising your own children to be polite and respectful and to try not to get upset when others behave badly. There's nothing you can do about this situation now.

There is having a moan and there having a sleepless night and turning into an epic bigger then Megxit saga

You do need to monitor your child, though. The parent should've done that. The 8-year old cousin helping himself ... I'd let that go. It's bad manners on that invited child's mum and not the 8 year old cousin.

@Nancydrawn @fitforflight

Ah I see. I thought it was the 8 year old causing all the problems.

You’re doing something worthwhile by organising a party and inviting other dc - it’s a lovely experience and every opportunity to socialise is probably extra important for a child like F.

There were some holy terrors in my dc’s classes in the early years. But which ones were lovely at 12 wasn’t predictable at 3. It’s fascinating actually thinking back.

Parties are overwhelming, and well done for surviving your first. Sitting up ruminating is the equivalent of a hangover - it’s just part of the process. If you didn’t have this to focus on, you might be overthinking who said what, or fretting about the contents of the party bags or something. I’m sitting here thinking you’re kinda privileged not to have a migraine like I usually did!

Definitely don’t say anything or write a note. I guarantee that if you do, your dd and F will probably end up sitting together at some time and become instant and inseparable best friends and you’ll have this awful awkwardness to deal with forever. Play the long game!

Sounds like you did a lovely party, hopefully your child enjoyed despite the issues that came up.

Bear in mind once started at school you sometimes get one or 2 who do similar, smaller parties can be better to avoid that!

I do agree regards not inviting, but it's a shame isn't it. Essentially the behaviour is from the parenting (which you saw, not giving boundaries and allowing poor behaviour) and the child will end up excluded due to not having that parenting!

Hopefully once at school this child will get some behaviour modelling there as it is a shame for them really!

Did your daughter notice any of this? It doesn't sound like the kind of thing a four year old would be aware of, especially at her party with a lot of excitement going on.

I promise your DD didn't notice that one boy didn't wish her happy birthday.

If it makes you feel better, it sounds like your DD had a great time.

Three year olds get excited at parties. Don't take it as a personal affront.

The mother was rude, but equally you could have reigned it in by directing the cousin back to the mother, and by taking the three year old by the hand back to his mother when he kicked off about cupcakes. Why would you think you'd be accused of hurting him? Three year olds throw tantrums over things like cupcakes, I don't think anyone's mind would have gone to you hurting him.

Did your daughter enjoy her party?

That is all that matters.

were they all 3 of them rude?
was the mother's attention on her own child and ignoring the cousin?

i should imagine the cousin was showing off?

i think it would have been better to say something at the time but not now

Yes, you have to let it go now OP. Don’t fret any more over it.
I agree though, it’s disappointing that some parents appear ignorant over good manners. Or don’t take time and care to read the invitations properly.
Maybe these parties are two a penny to F’s mum so she just doesn’t care as long as the children are occupied and fed. It’s free food and entertainment to her. Who knows what’s going on in her life.
Chalk it up to experience.

Some 3yo can have awful behaviour. However in a whole class there is a good chance he may have only just turned three in August and be barely out of being a toddler. Nearly a whole year younger than yours. Most children start changing again at 3.5yr and become more socially aware.

I agree with @HoppingPavlova 's post and all those who are saying take the long view, the children are 3 and aren't all going to behave that well, even the 8 year old is young. Effectively your issue is that the mum was rude. Yes she was. But it does happen and shouldn't make you this upset.

(another point of view - when you have care of lots of primary age sibs and cousins you can easily be at 3 parties every weekend for a lot of the term. Yours is one of a long list of parties in a busy life. She may not even have read all the info, and just thought "Right, soft play at 11am, other kids can come, no presents. I'll take Mad 8 Year Old Cousin to give his mum a break then afterwards we can go buy them the school shoes we need to /pick up Other Cousins from their trampoline party")

Why I'm explaining myself like I'm in the Dock here I don't know...

Because you're quite defensive about the whole thing and finding it hard to get that shift of perspective. I don't think all of us pointing it out will help, as it's hard to get, but I hope it happens.

You're going to come across a lot of families like this. You'll also come across many wonderful families as well.

The result for us is the lovely families have been appreciative, return invites and encourage friendships with our DC (11 & 7) and treat us with respect. The very few poorly behaved ones don't get invited anywhere as other parents have seen the behaviour.

So let it go & natural consequences will take care of it.

not a CHANCE i would have allowed this situation evolve. not a chance

Once he sat down, i would have been over there like a whippet to ask him to get up because this was for the little ones invited.

Once i saw he was pushing etc, i would have been straight over to the guardian to say he needs to be separated from then

and on and on for every attempted infringement of my child’s party

and my god - i would have asked for the entrance cost (but no need for lunch because he wouldn’t have had any)

You're going to come across a lot of families like this.

14 years of parenting
multiple parties held and attended
i haven’t encountered a single family like this not even close, let alone “a lot”

The family sound awful and rude. That said, I am assuming it was one thing in an otherwise very nice party, and I think that deciding to believe that it "ruined" the party does make it sound like you are allowing this to "get to you" way too much.

Do a smaller party next year and avoid this family from now on. Don't start sending invoices for meals or cupcakes or you will come across as being petty.

Don’t invite them again. There are often shockers at kids birthday parties. Usually you have to bite your tongue and ride it out til the party is over…… or if it’s really terrible eg hurting someone / breaking something etc you have to deal with it promptly and confidently.

Don't sweat the small stuff - and this really IS the small stuff. Certainly not worth losing a night's sleep over!

Did your child have a nice time? That's the important thing. Really don't get worked up about it, there are always rude people in the world and the parent is at fault here not any of the children. Just leave them off the list next time and let the anger go now op. None of your efforts were wasted and your perceived injustice was worth it if your dc enjoyed the party.

So basically, you had 9 beautifully behaved 3yos at the party? And most of the uninvited siblings politely stayed to one side out of the way? That sounds like a massive win to me!

Screaming and grabbing cake are annoying, but you never know what's going on with someone else's kid. Maybe he didn't sleep well, maybe he still needs a nap after lunch etc etc. It's quite off to describe him as a brat and a bully based on a 2 hr snapshot - it makes you sound a bit bratty yourself tbh.