Awake stewing at 3am due to disgraceful party etiquette

[Anonymouse2019]

It was recently my daughter's 4th birthday party. She attends a nursery preschool and she is one of the eldest so most of the other children are still 3 years old.

We didn't know who her closest friends were when writing invitations about 6 weeks ago so decided to invite the whole class of 18 kids. 13 RSVP'd, 10 of those could come.

With the invitations addressed to the children, we included a little note for parents/guardians with a bit more info about the venue and a little bit about our child which was relevant to the party. We also stated that a gift for our child wasn't necessary and that their child's company would be the best gift for our little girl (mainly that was us being diplomatic in a COL crisis) BUT we said if their child wanted to give or make a card for our daughter, that would be lovely and that we would keep them in her memory box for when she was a bit older (after she'd opened them, obviously).

Also in this note we said that the entrance fee and lunch for their child was covered but if the invited child wished to bring siblings, the parent/guardian would need to purchase food at the venue for that/those siblings.

I'll get to the point now.

One mum of a boy, F, replied saying he could attend. She did bring her child to the party and she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...). Cousin was 8 years old.

F's older cousin sat down with the invited younger children and was helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents. The adult with them stood there and did nothing but I didn't realise until the meal was nearly over because there was so much going on in the room. Several other kids brought siblings and ALL their parents paid for those siblings' meals except for F's mother.

F was a pushy, grabby bully. He was pushing the other invited children about with no interference from his mum. I was wrapping cupcakes in clean napkins to add to the children's party bags (after they'd already had some birthday cake) and F came over and started grabbing at the cupcakes, running the icing and details on 4 or 5 of them. I very gently said these were to take home, they were not for now but he could have some more birthday cake instead. He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it. No other children did this.

At the end of the day, they were the only guests not to say goodbye, or thank you for inviting them. More importantly they didn't wish my daughter a happy birthday or acknowledge her at all.

We came away with a small stack of cards and a couple of presents which was lovely. My child opened them later at home. None of them were from F.

F had taken home, as had all the other invited guests, a party bag put together by me, which contained some children's colouring stuff, a pot of bubbles, sweets, mini packet of biscuits and a little rubber stamp, plus the cupcake. Of course it was our choice to provide these and we were happy to.

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!), he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away, they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card. They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end. F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.

I woke at 3am thinking about the injustice of this and have been wondering if I should hand his mum a note on the school run, or even invoice her for the cousin's meal and the ruined cupcakes, but for the sake of about £10 it doesn't seem worth the bad feeling and aggro for every school run hereon in, however letting the mother get away with all this scot-free to me is not okay either.

Obviously we know not to invite F to anything again, but should I say something in private away from kids and other parents to his mum or is that a step too far?

I think F is 3 and the cousin is 8.

I get it OP - I had similar, albeit to a lesser degree, at DC's party earlier this year. Terrible younger sibling who pushed to the front of the queue for cake and spent 20 minutes shouting PARTY BAG at me while his mum (who I'd quite liked!) smiled indulgently. I ranted to DH but neither DC nor other guests enjoyed the party less because of the little angel, and next year will definitely be a sibling-free affair.

You've lost perspective.
The party wasn't ruined.
No injustices occurred.

You fed an 8 year old you didn't want to and gave a 3 year old an extra cupcake and didn't receive a card/appropriate appreciation for either.

Annoying I agree but not much more than that.
Do yourself a favour, chalk it up to experience and forget all about it.

I think you need to let it go, you are only causing yourself unhappiness here. Judgement and bittterness is not a good look, even when justified.
You had chance to tackle the behaviour as it happened, you didn't, I wouldn't have either, parties are hard enough work without adding in this.
Parties at this age, are when you work out the children and families to avoid over the next few years, but they are also when you meet the families of those children, you child is becoming friends with. Focus on the positive connects your made with those people.

And there it is - bingo!
There’s always someone who has to point out that there are worse things in the world. We’re not allowed to get upset about anything because other people have it worse.

please tell me that you told the child to get to the back of the queue and you told the child to stop shouting at you?

Awake and stewing? I think that’s OTT

F is 3. She has said F's cousin is 8. F is a child in the class who are mostly still 3.

"F was a pushy, grabby bully."

F is 3.

Did your daughter have a good time?

At the end of the day, that’s all that matters.
All she will remember is having lots of fun with her friends and it being all about her on her special day.

I wouldn’t even give this woman my energy.
Unfortunately, some people are just crap parents/people and at least you know not to invite him in future.

Welcome to the world of parenting. There will always be a huge range of children and F is at one end of that when it comes to parties. He won't learn party manners from his parent and may well go on to be the child nobody invites.

Once your child is at school you will have a better idea of who she is friends with and can focus on parties with them.

Now you just have to let it go. To be honest it sounds like what happens with so many children and isn't unusual. It's just not nice and F is not going to learn very quickly.

Tbh, I'd count a class party with only one feral child to be an absolute win! 😅

Just move on, and don't invite that child again in the future.

I feel sorry for him though - I'm sure other parents will have noticed his behaviour, and will think twice about inviting him. His lack of parenting means that he's probably going to grow into a little shit with a small to non-existent friend pool.

Right?!

I understand the mum was cheeky af for bringing the cousin, not properly supervising her children etc..

But a 3 YO is not a pushy grabby bully. They are a toddler. And honestly the way you speak about a small child makes you sound as bad as the mum you're stewing about to me.

You're hosting a party for toddlers they aren't all going to behave like little angels who say please and thank you and respect your cupcake toppings. Get over it.

At my DCs party there was one little boy who just cried the whole time, sat on his mums knee or on the floor and screamed or cried the whole time. It is what it is. He wasn't a brat or trying to ruin my precious party. He was 3 and having a bad day. The mum felt terrible and it is what it is. I've seen him at other parties and he was completely fine. It's just one of those things hosting toddlers.

You need to get over it for goodness sake.

please tell me that you told the child to get to the back of the queue andyou told the child to stop shouting at you?

I ignored him and served the other - much more polite kids - until I was ready to deal with him. But as a parent I would never allow this, and I was shocked that the mum did.

Oh, and icing on the cake - running into the dad on the school run and having him complain to me that little Bobby was bouncing off the walls at home after the party. Bit rich given that I hadn't bloody invited him.

Yep

Maybe she didn’t realise, you could have mentioned it to them at the time if it had ruled you that much.

you sound ott, tbh all the we will keep your cards in a memory box, don’t buy a present. Parents don’t need a nod from you to say don’t buy a present.

good luck to you when the kids are older and you have to deal with even more misbehaving kids and parents.

Say nothing, do nothing. Dont ever invite them again. Take a deep breath in and see all of your anger exiting your body as you exhale- as a grey smoggy cloud, really visualise it leaving your body. Do this as many times as you need to.

Dont allow this to affect your headspace any more than it needs to x

Haven’t read the other replies, but do not mention anything. Certainly don’t invoice them, good god!
Parties are a minefield. I just need to know where/when, I probably wouldn’t read much more. I had several turn up with siblings, I didn’t mind on the big class parties. I do remember in reception, wondering if I should invite the year (60 kids) think I may have done a thread at the time. Realised I was being insane and stuck to 30. It’s a learning curve. Just consider your child had a lovely time and let the rest go.

Well that thread went south very quickly.
Another fine example of women supporting women on MN 🙄
Such a shame that the op can't just have a quick rant to strangers on a forum for women with an absolute pile on.
A quick round up of what the op has been called / accused of:
Privileged.
Verbose.
Entitled.
Lost perspective.
No skill set to host a party.
Hard work.
Drama queen.
Lack of coping strategies.
Really intense.
Running a scorecard of presents.
Uptight.
Miserable.
I'm with you op, you can have a rant, ignore the ignorant posters.
Hope your dd had a lovely day ❤️

*without an absolute pile on

You are going to have years and years of rude party etiquette. And sometimes you’re going to throw a whole class party and be sure there’s one child you don’t want to invite, but you can’t leave one child out.

it’s one of those things that happens and it’s maddening but it’s part of bringing up kids.

Many many years later, I can tell you there is always one most years at a kids party. To be honest it was far more common in boys parties than girls. I’m afraid it goes with the territory and has nothing to do with money, class or anything else. You arranged an amazing party and your child loved it. Job done.
They won’t remember his behaviour. (You will)🤣💕

Don't invite them again but for this to be keeping you awake is ridiculous

Forget it and move on.

The term bully implies an element of intention to victimise which in turn requires an understanding of the effect of your actions on your victims. No 3 year old, however bad their behaviour, is thinking about how their behaviour affects others, they are naturally self centred and the feelings they are thinking about are their own.

This may already have been said but I think the 5 who didn't RSVP are also rude. Maybe not in the same category of rudeness as F and family, but rude nevertheless.

What is it with this not RSVP-ing? It seems common now, even for weddings. No manners at all, some people.