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Original poster

I’ve made the biggest mistake today with School and my DD will pay for it

345 replies

Year5For3days · 10/11/2023 22:07

DD is 9, Year 5.

Going on residential trip for 3 days at the end of November with School.

Had a meeting about it today to discuss some minor adjustments we’re talking small things like sleeping arrangements and giving of medication we’re not talking huge issues or things that can’t be overcome which makes me feel even worse. I’ve had a bad feeling about it since it was announced. I don’t know why; DD goes away with her dad (my ex-husband) and Scouts (Cubs) all the time and I never feel weird or strange about it. Scouts have never had a meeting with me about it I think that was why, but I know they’re different to school.

I told the Deputy Head running the trip how I felt and it descended into an argument between me and her. I didn’t mean for it to happen and I know she feels strongly about it, she’s run the trip every year since she started working at the school in 2013 (which is the year before DD was born ironically) and nothing has ever gone wrong, ever apparently. They’ve had 1 minor injury in all those years - a bumped head on the last day and the child still got on the bus and came back to school with them, and 1 bout of sickness where 2 kids were sent home, otherwise it’s always ran without a hitch.

But I have a really bad feeling about it, and I can’t describe it. It’s not about the money, I’d happily pay for DD to stay at school or keep her home for the 3 days. I couldn’t describe it and that’s why it turned into an argument I think, I’m keeping my stance that DD is not going, and the DHT wants her to go. Things got a bit heated; no-one swore or threw insults around but I did end up crying. And the DHT did say several times “I don’t get what the issue, I can’t see any reason (DDs name) can’t join us” and another teacher heard the discussion and came in to try to mediate unsuccessfully. Meeting ended with no resolution as it was end of the day and I had to join the queue to get DD and DHT had to be with her class.

I’m now worried that DD is going to be seen as strange or odd. DHT is DDs Maths teacher (but not class teacher) so I didn’t want to make things worse.

I don’t think anything can reassure me that it will be ok. I don’t know why I feel like this. DD went away with Cubs in the summer and that was wild camping for a week 3 hours’ drive away, not anything like the school trip which is staying in a hostel less than an hour’s drive from home still within the same county we live in and I had absolutely no qualms sending her with Cubs in fact I cheered after I’d dropped her. She was fine, worst thing that happened was she got stung by a nettle but she coped. And I don’t think that’s what I’m worried about.

How bad are things going to be for DD next week? Or will they be trying to get her to persuade me to send her? As I said I’m not concerned about the money.

OP posts:
Choice4567 · 10/11/2023 22:11

I’m slightly confused. You said that the meeting was to discuss sleeping arrangements and medication which indicates it was about DD going on the trip.

then you say it descended into argument because she’s definitely not going?

Did the DHT refuse to make adjustments for your DD? What is it that you’re worried about?

Mushroomwithaview · 10/11/2023 22:11

Can I just check I understand the issue?

You usually don't have a problem with DD attending residential trips. But for some reason you have a really bad feeling about this school trip. And you can't put your finger on why? And you told school she couldn't go, but when you couldn't explain why not, the discussion became heated.

Is that what happened?

Does DD want to go?
I think you need to have a proper reason for withdrawing her from a part of her education.

IHateLegDay · 10/11/2023 22:12

This is totally a you issue and your dd could miss out on a great experience just because you have a 'bad feeling' which could ultimately be nothing.

Yes you could've made things awkward for her in school but you won't know until next week now when she comes home from school and lets you know if anything is wrong.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

9 year olds Families General education Primary education
Original poster
Year5For3days · 10/11/2023 22:12

Choice4567 · 10/11/2023 22:11

I’m slightly confused. You said that the meeting was to discuss sleeping arrangements and medication which indicates it was about DD going on the trip.

then you say it descended into argument because she’s definitely not going?

Did the DHT refuse to make adjustments for your DD? What is it that you’re worried about?

@Choice4567 No I'd said at the parent info evening before Half Term that I was very unsure about DD going and DHT set up a meeting with me to discuss adjustments and I told her I was thinking she shouldn't go and thats when the argument happened because DHT wants DD on the trip.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 10/11/2023 22:12

I think you are massively overthrowing and catastrophising...both about the trip itself and about your meeting with the DHT.

They don't care one way or the other if your child really goes on the trip. However, if she's an anxious child maybe they do think it'd be good for her. But as it stands, no one is going to try to convince your child one way or the other.

If you've made your decision, that's the end of it. No need for any drama. Out of interest, what does your exH think?

TookTheBook · 10/11/2023 22:13

Is this a state or private school? My state primary school would never go against a parents' wishes or try and persuade them to change their mind. The parent doesn't give permission, child doesn't go. No drama.

I've no idea what you mean about how bad will things be for DD next week - surely the school won't actually discuss this issue directly with a 9 year old?!

mamma65432 · 10/11/2023 22:13

sounds like anxiety, has there been anything stressful recently that could mean you have higher levels of anxiety generally?

Original poster
Year5For3days · 10/11/2023 22:13

Mushroomwithaview · 10/11/2023 22:11

Can I just check I understand the issue?

You usually don't have a problem with DD attending residential trips. But for some reason you have a really bad feeling about this school trip. And you can't put your finger on why? And you told school she couldn't go, but when you couldn't explain why not, the discussion became heated.

Is that what happened?

Does DD want to go?
I think you need to have a proper reason for withdrawing her from a part of her education.

@Mushroomwithaview You've understood why, the trip is technically optional and there are things put on at school if they don't go because one of this years Y5 classes is a composite class with Y6 so they'll still be doing things while Y5 are away (and vice versa later in the year when Y6 go on their residential)

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 10/11/2023 22:13

I can’t understand why she can’t go. Doesn’t she want to? Are there adjustments she needs (disability?) that they won’t do? Or are you just anxious for no real reason?

jesshomeEd · 10/11/2023 22:13

How are things going for you generally at the moment?

Seems like you are catastrophising a bit, both about your DD going on the trip and about things being awful for her at school because you don't want her to go?

Does your DD want to go?

Restinggoddess · 10/11/2023 22:15

The school has done the right thing - made sure they know any information needed and shared with you
The scouts sound too relaxed - if something had gone wrong what would your view be then?
Schools have protocols to follow - that’s why they have meetings and sign everything off - because we live in a world where people want to complain and whinge at every opportunity. It’s a huge commitment by the school and the staff

The school want your DD to go - they know how such residentials help kids blossom
Ultimately they can’t make her go - but to not send her because the school have crossed the T’s and dotted the I’s is odd

Original poster
Year5For3days · 10/11/2023 22:15

Dacadactyl · 10/11/2023 22:12

I think you are massively overthrowing and catastrophising...both about the trip itself and about your meeting with the DHT.

They don't care one way or the other if your child really goes on the trip. However, if she's an anxious child maybe they do think it'd be good for her. But as it stands, no one is going to try to convince your child one way or the other.

If you've made your decision, that's the end of it. No need for any drama. Out of interest, what does your exH think?

@Dacadactyl ExH doesn't care, as long as it doesn't affect his contact - which is Every 2nd Weekend and half the school holidays - and I don't ask him for money (he doesn't pay maintenance, a whole other thread). He doesn't care if she goes or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Year5For3days · 10/11/2023 22:15

TookTheBook · 10/11/2023 22:13

Is this a state or private school? My state primary school would never go against a parents' wishes or try and persuade them to change their mind. The parent doesn't give permission, child doesn't go. No drama.

I've no idea what you mean about how bad will things be for DD next week - surely the school won't actually discuss this issue directly with a 9 year old?!

@TookTheBook State Academy

OP posts:
EversoDisorganised · 10/11/2023 22:15

If she wants to go then I really think you have to let her. Otherwise it's going to be really hard for her staying behind and what happens next time?

Choice4567 · 10/11/2023 22:16

But why don’t you want her to go? What is it that you have a bad feeling about - that she’ll get hurt or won’t enjoy it? Does she want to go?

Without knowing why you don’t want her to go or what you think bad is going to happen it’s hard to know whether you’re over reacting.

Peakypolly · 10/11/2023 22:16

There is a parent like you in most classes but I'm sure the staff will still handle your DC professionally. It's in no way her issues causing problems.

Standingupagainsttheplayers · 10/11/2023 22:17

What the above poster says
I don't get it
So she was going, but then when you had a meeting to discuss meds/sleep arrangements you suddenly had a bad feeling and you decided your DD wasn't going? So teacher was miffed because you wouldn't give any reason why you've suddenly backtracked? And then you argued with the teacher and cried, while still giving no reason why?

Sorry, I'm as miffed as the teacher.

Does your DD know you've decided she's no longer going for no particular reason? What does she think about it?

Octavia64 · 10/11/2023 22:17

Your DD will not be seen as strange or odd. There will be absolutely no repercussions on her.

School trips are really time consuming to organise and it sounds like this one is the DHT's pet.

Most schools will go to a lot of effort to include all children on school trips because the experience of being away with their peers is such a good and enriching one to have.

It does sound like the DHT took it personally about you not letting your DD go which is unfortunate.

It does sound like this is more about your anxiety than any issues with DD.

Original poster
Year5For3days · 10/11/2023 22:17

mamma65432 · 10/11/2023 22:13

sounds like anxiety, has there been anything stressful recently that could mean you have higher levels of anxiety generally?

@mamma65432 I have anxiety anyway, diagnosed. Start of the school year is always stressful; money worries; if i've overspent over summer, can I put the heating on etc. it usually settles around half term but the trip was announced halfway through Year 4 (knew it was coming anyway as current Year 6 went last year) and I've been anxious since it's announcement.

OP posts:
sparklefresh · 10/11/2023 22:19

You need to stop letting your own irrational and unfounded anxiety limit your daughter's life and enjoyment.

Original poster
Year5For3days · 10/11/2023 22:19

Wolfiefan · 10/11/2023 22:13

I can’t understand why she can’t go. Doesn’t she want to? Are there adjustments she needs (disability?) that they won’t do? Or are you just anxious for no real reason?

@Wolfiefan They'll give the medication and make the adjustments to where and how she sleeps (we're talking really minor things like sending her own pillow and her having a weighted blanket and an extra teddy, we're not talking anything that costs money to the school/centre) but I just don't think she should go, I have a bad feeling.

OP posts:
Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 10/11/2023 22:19

They won't see your DD as strange but they might think you are?

I mean by all means, don't send her , she's your child but she will possibly resent you.

Hereforthebunfights · 10/11/2023 22:20

Stop letting your anxiety get in the way of your child's life.

Mum1976Mum · 10/11/2023 22:21

Honestly, I have been away with children as a scout leader and as a teacher. Heath and safety was absolutely strictly adhered to at all times on the school trips. Scouts….not so much! You have no need to worry about the school trip!

hyperboleandahalf · 10/11/2023 22:21

It really is your business as a parent to decide wether your child is going on a school trip or not, they are not compulsory. You do not have have to justify it to the school, you do not have to give explanations to the school and they certainly shouldn't be putting pressure on you.
The only person you need to explain anything to is your child and even then the final decision is yours.
Spend the money doing something you and your child both feel good about.