I’ve made the biggest mistake today with School and my DD will pay for it

[Year5For3days]

DD is 9, Year 5.

Going on residential trip for 3 days at the end of November with School.

Had a meeting about it today to discuss some minor adjustments we’re talking small things like sleeping arrangements and giving of medication we’re not talking huge issues or things that can’t be overcome which makes me feel even worse. I’ve had a bad feeling about it since it was announced. I don’t know why; DD goes away with her dad (my ex-husband) and Scouts (Cubs) all the time and I never feel weird or strange about it. Scouts have never had a meeting with me about it I think that was why, but I know they’re different to school.

I told the Deputy Head running the trip how I felt and it descended into an argument between me and her. I didn’t mean for it to happen and I know she feels strongly about it, she’s run the trip every year since she started working at the school in 2013 (which is the year before DD was born ironically) and nothing has ever gone wrong, ever apparently. They’ve had 1 minor injury in all those years - a bumped head on the last day and the child still got on the bus and came back to school with them, and 1 bout of sickness where 2 kids were sent home, otherwise it’s always ran without a hitch.

But I have a really bad feeling about it, and I can’t describe it. It’s not about the money, I’d happily pay for DD to stay at school or keep her home for the 3 days. I couldn’t describe it and that’s why it turned into an argument I think, I’m keeping my stance that DD is not going, and the DHT wants her to go. Things got a bit heated; no-one swore or threw insults around but I did end up crying. And the DHT did say several times “I don’t get what the issue, I can’t see any reason (DDs name) can’t join us” and another teacher heard the discussion and came in to try to mediate unsuccessfully. Meeting ended with no resolution as it was end of the day and I had to join the queue to get DD and DHT had to be with her class.

I’m now worried that DD is going to be seen as strange or odd. DHT is DDs Maths teacher (but not class teacher) so I didn’t want to make things worse.

I don’t think anything can reassure me that it will be ok. I don’t know why I feel like this. DD went away with Cubs in the summer and that was wild camping for a week 3 hours’ drive away, not anything like the school trip which is staying in a hostel less than an hour’s drive from home still within the same county we live in and I had absolutely no qualms sending her with Cubs in fact I cheered after I’d dropped her. She was fine, worst thing that happened was she got stung by a nettle but she coped. And I don’t think that’s what I’m worried about.

How bad are things going to be for DD next week? Or will they be trying to get her to persuade me to send her? As I said I’m not concerned about the money.

No one can foresee the future. Your 'bad feeling' is just your anxiety, not a premonition of disaster. Believe me, school trips are a good deal more organised, with every eventuality carefully considered, than you wouid get with scouts or other outside organisations.

It sounds like the DHT seemed pressurising because they could not understand your reluctance to send her - hence listing the lack of any significant negative events over the years. Also the fact you cried was probably exasperating to them.

I work in a school and deal with parents' complaints, worries etc. In a similar situation, seeing the parent as over-anxious, I would also try to reassure you about the trip. I would also hope you agreed to let your child go, not because I am precious about it but because I believe these trips are great for children and because the only reason you are giving for your dd not going relates to your anxiety. I'd be advocating on behalf of your child.

Of course they won't give your child a hard time in school if she doesn't go! They might be worrying about you as a parent though - probably seeing it as you sadly not putting your child first. Although you havent said whether SHE wants to go?

Your own anxiety is having a detrimental affect on your child's life. You need to see that and sort it. For her sake, if not your own.

No deputy head teacher has time to talk and talk for hours 😕

@AQuantityOfNaughtyCats Think like Inhalers and/or regular doses of pain medication, along those lines. All prescribed by the GP or a consultant.

I suppose they might be annoyed with you because they took the trouble to meet with you but then said you didn't want her going but could give a reason.

I don't think they will treat your daughter any differently than normal. Maybe they will think you a little anxious or, maybe, a little annoying but I'm sure they will have had to deal with plenty of parents who are actually unpleasant or rude before.

Have a think about what you want to happen. If possible I think you should let your daughter go if you can. You really don't want her to pick up your anxiety.

OP with kindness the feeling that ‘she just shouldn’t go’ is just your anxiety. You are not being rational. It’s a school trip, and is an important part of her education.

I know anxiety can be crippling and there is no point saying snap out of it, but you have to try and rationalise yourself out of this - do you have a friend you can speak to? It is not fair on your daughter for her to miss out because of your condition.

I also think you need to see your GP as it doesn’t sound like it’s being well managed at the moment, and it has a tendency to escalate rather than get better.

This is not about your daughter being disadvantaged at school by the way (again, that’s anxiety talking) - it’s just about her missing out.

I remember having a similar weird feeling about a trip abroad organised by the school choir. My DD 11 I just didn’t want her to go turned out my feeling was right two years later, the choir master was sacked as a he was as a paedophile
so glad I stood my ground and refused to let her go

I agree.. I don't really understand what the issue is . The school trip is optional, you don't want her to go end of discussion. The dht has over steppepped imo.

Why do some parents agree that she shouldn’t go? Are their children going?

The sense of foreboding is classic anxiety.

It's bad enough letting anxiety control your own life, you really have to fight it hard to make sure it doesn't control your children's lives.

I get really anxious about going away from home. I knew I'd find it hard when DS went on school camp, and I did, but he went and had an amazing time, and teachers dealt with minor health issues, as they do on every school trip.

How about writing an email to clear the air. It might make you feel better. You don't need to apologise unless you want to but you could thank them for their time and, maybe, explain what you were trying to tell them in the meeting.

Like I said it's unlike me.

Cubs and ExH I let her go, she signs up for everything.

She's been on day trips with school before and I've never had issues, I just can't put my finger on this.

Also why do you think your child will pay for it? A teacher isn't going to be unkind to your daughter because she isn't going on a trip. Come on!

Ah. I have this issue. Its hard to argue logically against it because the first time your gut said something it was correct.

It's not bizarre if there's a backstory regarding OP's anxiety restricting her daughter's school experience.

No, you're being daft. I hope you're okay.

Incidentally though, I had the same sort of conversation the day before brownie camp last summer with a parent. Child wanted to go, all signed up, 2 nights away, single sex (properly), been at brownies 1 year knew lots of people etc.

Parent rang the day before to say she wasn't going as she had a bad feeling about it. I said fine, then following many texts about it....there really was no issue at all. Girl in question had a mild medical issue, but we take away children with learning disabilities, diabetes, EDS with no issues.

She eventually turned up 2 hours late and had a lovely time.

Anyway, never let your issues encroach on your children.

Do you have a fear of something specific, OP? Or is it a general something-bad-will-happen feeling?

Why do the other parents agree that your DD shouldn't go, are they actual friends of yours or are they just nodding along with you ??
Are their kids going,

Its a shame your DD has to miss out due to your anxiety.
Have you looked for help with this ?

Why are you making such a fuss? Does your dd want to go? Why are you concerned about her going? It sounds like it's all about you. Do you want your dd to grow up thinking that she should be anxious about perfectly normal trips?

Well, there you are. You admit that you don't want your daughter to go on this trip solely because it will make you feel bad, it has nothing to do with your daughter's welfare. You need to put her first.

Trust yourself @Year5For3days You are the best person to decide.
If the school is worth anything none of it should impact the way they treat your daughter.

You say you can’t out your finger on it but you can - it’s your anxiety.
let your poor daughter go on her school trip

@saraclara it is bizarre, a teacher just wouldn't be getting that bothered about this. A parent doesn't have to justify why a child isn't going on a trip they just have to not sign the permission slip and that is the end of the matter.

go with your gut.hopefully all will have a fabulous trip
but
go wi your gut.the end

That’s unfortunate you had an argument with the Deputy.
I can understand though why you feel how you feel: I have severe anxiety and it’s crippling and debilitating.
No matter how hard it has been to not ever let my children go on trips, I do. Because it’s about them, not me.
Is it far away? Can you take her there for the day- pick her up each day and bring her back the next morning?
I don’t know, something like that.

Perhaps ask for another meeting- ask for the head to be there too and have an honest conversation with them about your worries and concerns and see how things go.
I am sure they’ll be a resolution to this but please do also seek some additional help for your anxiety.

I have it and it’s a bitch. And I know that the last thing you would want to do is pass this on to your child.
Good luck 🩷